- Announcer: It's easy to quit smoking with the Antagonizer Lighter. It lights once every five hundred times.
- Len Cella: The good news is that the common fart is the answer to the energy shortage. The energy from one rhinoceros fart can heat your home for the winter. Eighty frog farts can propel a canoe sixteen feet. A million worm farts can blow out a forest fire. The bad news is that one Russian beer fart can knock down ten Americans.
- Airline Pilot: We're cruisin' at six hundred miles an hour... at... an allytude of three inches. In case you're interested I was last in my class at fight school. Hahaha!
- Len Cella: Fig is a funny word. Newton's a funny word. But when you offer someone a fig newton...how come nobody laughs?
- Mister Doom: I predict an epidemic of decapitations caused by ceiling fans flying loose. Anyone who can relax with propellers over his head deserves to be decapitated.
- Doug the Dog: How come no one complains about horse shit? Don't you know the dumplings from a single horse are equal to eighteen Great Danes or fifty six Chihuahuas!
- Len Cella: If a bug crawls on your salami, don't throw it away. Shuffle it so you can't tell which slice had the bug on it.