Bikini Party Massacre

Don't let the name "Bikini Party Massacre" fool you into believing this is a Bikini party movie with a horror edge. This movie has nothing to do with bikinis! This has been released as simply "Massacre" on DVD. The funny thing is that the DVD has several extras including a featurette and commentary...wow, anyone who'd waste their time going through all of that garbage must be nuts.

From the look of the box i thought it might be good for a low-budget horror flick. How very, very wrong i was. Now, i like the "so bad they're good" movies (especially horror) but this film is just terrible. I would be surprised if this movie even had a real production budget. I wouldn't even consider this as a "B" movie, more like a "Y" movie.

The film barely clocks in at over an hour and it could have been made in much less than 20 minutes as a short film and been mildly entertaining. The sound recording and mix is really pitiful, you can barely understand the dialogue throughout most of it. The picture is decent, but the lighting and camera angles are usually way off. It appears to be shot on digital video...seems like most of the really lame movies these days are no-budget and shot on the cheap format.

Very slow and boring, i nearly fell asleep. The first 20 minutes are incredibly slow-paced, so much that you may wish to fast-forward ahead. The plot simply goes nowhere and is quite moronic to begin with. We have one woman who was molested by her father and now sees his ghost, so she has sex with almost any man she sees just to make her father's ghost angry? It is incredibly easy to see what's going to happen next. There are no scares or frights to be found.

The gore? I don't know if the director was trying to be funny or what...but the blood in this movie looks like a child was spraying it through a hose onto the victims. Especially the "chainsaw sequence" which seems like pure comedy.

Nudity? There is some (both male and female), the few women in the movie aren't all that great looking. So, if you're looking for a "late-night flick" look elsewhere.

As for the "Sixth Sense-style" ending (which you have to wait over an hour for the movie to make any true sense of), completely stupid and unbelievable.

Avoid this cinematic atrocity by any means necessary!

What did I just watch? This film is definately low budget. However there are some impressive dream sequences and traditional slasher gore scenes. The one liners are hilarious. I walked around campus all weekend using some of the lines to get laughs. This is not an intelligent film. The photography is brutal, but it is more like a movie than the Blair Witch Project. The girls are not that good looking but there are some nudes scenes and the one liners are great. Dont rent this if your looking to be moved. But if you want to get something that is a riot for a bunch of buds, this is great! The chainsaw murder is great. They must of used several hundred gallions of fake blood. And the guys actually get laid for a change. My God! Imagine that! RENT IT! But dont BUY IT!

This film is a terrible rip off of every single horror film that ever failed in the first place. God-Awful! A waste of time. An insult to primitive man! The editor must be fresh out of grade school film camp. The effects are so pathetic I honestly thought the video store was playing a joke on me. The make-up looks like ketchup, and the below standard CGI imitation digital graphics could have been done using Microsoft paint. The film is cut worse than my face after shaving with a dull blade. Other than this it is worth renting. Im a bigger loser today because I rented this garbage. If I had stayed home and watched the toilet flush I would be smarter than watching this film. What an insult!

As all horror fans should, I make it a point to see the good with the bad. This makes me appreciate the good so much more. Besides, sometimes bad is good. Take the hilarious Troma camp "Redneck Zombies". A shining example of how bad can be good. Thoroughly entertaining. But this film, retitled 'Massacre' for its DVD release, is just bad.

We start our story with six twenty-somethings on a road trip. As the trip gets longer the passengers inside the travelling mini-van get sleepy. It's no wonder they're tired, this is the most painfully drawn out sequence in film history. As a matter of fact, I think they threw in the same shot two or three times, to drag it out even more. This isn't suspense people, it's crap. Any first year film student would know better.

After about 15 minutes of this, something happens (finally). A couple of interesting dream sequences with some pretty cool imagery. I thought, 'this film shows promise!' and decide to watch a little longer. I shouldn't have.

When the campers reach their destination one of the dream sequences bleeds over into the storyline a little more, and you think you know where the film is going. Sequences of the cast romping, sunbathing, and teasing go on far too long and lend nothing to the story. We even get a little girl on girl on guy tent shaking. At least the filmakers are staying true to the genre sexually! Oh yeah, and people start to die.

First of all, the packaging material on the DVD promises a gore fest with the 'goriest of all chainsaw sequences in recent history'. Honestly, I should've had a V8. Really. A Bloody Mary the morning after a long night of drinking is gorier. The packaging also compares this movie to 'The Evil Dead', I suppose because this film is also set in the woods and because we see the same shot of a pitchfork travelling at high speed through the woods over and over and over. I mean it, it's the same shot, over and over and over.

Note to director: Storyboards are good. Very good. Have a shot list, use it. Using same shots over and over to fill time? Bad, very bad.

When we finally reach the climax of this horrible little time waster, there's a twist ending that's just not to be believed. Honestly. This ending is so unsupported by the rest of the film that you will literally wince. Did the movie run overbudget? Was there a cast strike? These are the only explanations I can come up with for the insanity of this suicidal ending.

We're led to believe this is a psychologicial thriller of the mind like 'American Psycho', but the director and distributors must have been out of theirs.

Another movie from the Tomb of Terrors set that I picked at random to watch/review. I'd actually seen this one years ago and while watching it doesn't seem familiar at all. It's a pretty bland slasher with a supernatural slant added to it to make things confusing in addition to cheap and boring. The 73 minute runtime is about right for something like this. The music is poor and often overbearing including an attempt at adding a music video partway into the movie. The kills aren't half bad including a woman hanging from a tree with all 4 limbs being cut off the aftermath looking incredibly fake. Another person is slaughtered with a chainsaw with blood spraying everywhere.

Bikini Party Massacre (the credits bill it as Joseph Clark's Massacre) has ample scenes of people taking a leak in the woods though that one chick could have been dumping. Initially this scares off the guy she's interested but he quickly changes his mind and they hump against a tree. I hope she wiped first. For some reason the two pale chicks don't show their boobs when they are skinny-dipping but have no problem when they are duking it up in a tent. One of the guys interrupts them about to bash them thinking someone is getting killed and they of course invite him to join. Remember guys to always interrupt lesbians during sex as most of them are just secretly craving for a schlong to share. A confusing, cheap kids in the wood slasher that would have been better if it had just played it straight and focused on the gore and boobs.