- Heat Vision: My friend Jack says the universe is infinite. He says you can travel forever and never reach the edge. I say the edge is where you find it.
- Jack Austin: They have a man tracking me down. A very dangerous man. His name is Ron Silver. Like me, a former astronaut, but also a gifted actor.
- The Doctor: Can I trouble you for an autograph?
- Ron Silver: Yeah, if you have a pen.
- The Doctor: I don't have a pen.
- Ron Silver: Well get a pen, and I'll give you an autograph.
- Heat Vision: He pushed me over.
- The Sheriff: He got away?
- Heat Vision: Listen, lady, he pushed me over.
- Jack Austin: Hip to their jive, I called my roommate Doug, and asked him to come pick me up. If I had known then what I know now... I would have called a cab.
- Jack Austin: You learn to accept things when you're on the run... if fate makes you a motorcycle, you become a motorcycle.
- Ron Silver: If I feel so much as one bullet hit me, I'll come over there and pull your lungs through your nostrils.
- Jack Austin: I'm not a criminal.
- The Sheriff: Tell me your name.
- Jack Austin: I can't do that.
- The Sheriff: Spoken like a criminal.
- The Sheriff: Jack, if you stay here, I can take care of you.
- Jack Austin: In the past, I've try to tell my story to journalists. Make friends. Open up to women. They're all dead. I've burnt out my daylight. Time for my to ride.
- Ben Stiller: [looking angrily at a picture of George Lucas] Hey, Mr. Beard. How many Emmies do you have?
- Jack Austin: You shouldn't point those things at people; they're dangerous.
- The Sheriff: Only if I pull the trigger.
- Jack Austin: I wasn't talking about the gun.
- The Sheriff: Neither was I.
- The Sheriff: ...And I'll come back for you right?
- Jack Austin: [spoken in a mocking tone] Oh, I won't be here. Come sunrise I'll be so intelligent no cell will be able to hold me.