Sam Lerner: Chowder

Monster House

Chowder

Chowder: My dad is at the pharmacy and my mom is at the movies with her personal trainer.

Chowder: I paid 28 dollars for that ball! I raked ten yards and ask my mom for a dollar 26 times!

Chowder: What? I thought if I shot the heart, that...
Jenny: That's not the heart.
Chowder: Then what *is* it?
Jenny: Well, if those are the teeth and that's the tongue, then that must be the uvula.
Chowder: Oh. So it's a *girl* house.
Jenny: [looks at him] *What*? No! It stimulates the gag reflex. *Everyone* has a uvula.
Chowder: Not *me*.

Chowder: My cousin's a cop in Milwaukee. I mean, he's kind of a cop... he's got a gun.

DJ: Questions?
Chowder: Yes, umm, are you nuts? I don't wanna steal drugs from my Father, I don't wanna go inside a monster, and I don't wanna die!
Jenny: I say its worth a shot.
Chowder: Yes I agree. Let's do it.

Chowder: [pretending to talk to his father] Well, Dad, why don't you kiss my hairy butt?
[turns around]
Chowder: Hey, DJ, you got any beer?
[noticing Jenny]
Chowder: Well, hello there...
DJ: [to Jenny] This is... Chowder...
Chowder: Charles, to the ladies...
Jenny: [interrupting] Um, Jenny Bennett. Two-term class president at Westbrook Prep.
DJ: That's a tough school to get into.
Chowder: Yeah, I got in but decided not to go.
Jenny: It's a girl's school.
Chowder: [nervous pause] ... Which is why I didn't...
[another nervous pause]
Chowder: ... You know there's a... there's a great taco stand near there...

[Jenny emerges from the closet after calling her mother on the phone]
Jenny: [rolls her eyes] She didn't believe me.
Chowder: [sighs] Authority can be so...
[makes armpit noises]
Jenny: Okay, normally I don't spend time with guys like you, but a house just tried to eat me, so... you've got one hour.

Chowder: All right, vacuum cleaner dummy, I'm setting you down on the lawn. Don't be scared, that's not how you were trained.
[slight pause]
Chowder: I love you, vacuum cleaner dummy.

Chowder: [after they escape the Monster House by getting upchucked] That's it. Another great idea, DJ! Brilliant!
DJ: What do you want from me, Chowder? I don't see you coming up with any big ideas.
Chowder: Oh yeah, yeah. Do you wanna hear my big idea? I'm going home to make A PRETZEL SANDWICH! See ya!
[starts walking away until DJ pulls him back]
DJ: Chowder! The house is still alive and you're gonna wuss out?
Chowder: I risked my life for you: I stoled drugs for you and *I could've died in there!*
DJ: Yeah. Me too!
Chowder: Yeah, but you're the one that killed Nebbercracker in the first place!
DJ: Getting your stupid ball back...!
Jenny: [Jenny pulls them apart] You guys, stop fighting. You're acting like babies.
DJ: We ARE babies! What were we thinking? We tried to put a house to sleep with cold medicine. How lame could you get?
[DJ begins walking toward his house]
Chowder: Where are you going?
DJ: I'm going home. I suck.

Chowder: You're really crazy right now, you notice that? I think you're just freakin' out because you killed a guy today.

[after watching the house eat the two cops]
Chowder: Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, I think I'm having a stroke!