- Switowski: He broke-ded my nose
- Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Let me try to fix that.
- [Crewe fixes his nose]
- Switowski: How do I look?
- Caretaker: Much better, like a young Michael Jackson.
- Switowski: I love little Michael.
- Cheeseburger Eddy: I knew you couldn't resist my shit! I got the shakes that'll make you quake. I got the fries that'll cross your eyes. I got that burgers that'll... I just got burgers.
- Switowski: Will you teach me to football?
- Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Sure, I'll teach you to football.
- Caretaker: I'll teach you anything. Just don't eat me.
- Brucie: How come I cant be kicker? I was all state!
- Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: All right let's see what you got.
- Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: [kicks ball along the ground] ... that's why you dumbass.
- Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Huddle up! Look, I'm sure you already know this, but I've never said it out loud. I *did* throw that game. I did it. I was in a bad way with some worse people. After I did it, I felt so shitty, I wish I would have just let them kill me instead. Now the warden wants to pin Caretaker's murder on me if I don't throw *this* game. So it looks like I'm going to get to know you guys a lot better because I aint doing that twice in a lifetime. We got a little time left. We can still do this. I'm begging you. Put your hands in here. Ok, thank you. Who are we?
- [Team shouts, "Mean Machine!", and takes the field]
- Turley: I'm glad you're back. Now I don't have to stab you.
- [last lines]
- Deacon Moss: [Deacon and Battle pour Gatorade on Warden Hazen] Good game, sir!
- Warden Hazen: That's a week in the hotbox!
- Joey Battle: Who gives a shit!
- Joey Battle: Wow no bullshit! Real football, against the guards?
- Coach Nate Scarborough: Full contact.
- Joey Battle: Captain Knauer is the quarterback?
- Caretaker: Yep.
- Joey Battle: So I get to tackle him?
- Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Yeah, you can either tackle him or you can hit him over the head with that *hammer*.
- Joey Battle: [looks down at his crotch] I wanna hurt him, not kill him.
- Caretaker: Lets get outta here before that thing bites someone!
- Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Alright we'll see you and your pet iguana at practice.
- Guard Dunham: [after breaking off a long run, storms up to Megget] That's how a white man runs the football!
- Earl Megget: Man, you lucky I ain't on defense. I'd crack you in that egg-ass head of yours!
- Guard Dunham: Yeah, but you ain't on defense. Are ya, bitch?
- Earl Megget: Switowski! Come here!
- [he comes running over]
- Earl Megget: You know what he said in the library?
- [whispers to Switowski about Dunham calling Malcolm X then "N word", as Switowski's eyes about pop out of his head]
- Earl Megget: Yes. Him. Out!
- Switowski: [Destroys Dunham with a huge hit on the next play. Everyone gathers around to look at Dunham and sniffs] I think I made-ed him shit himself.
- Coach Nate Scarborough: I think he just shit himself.
- All Sportswriters: I think he just shit himself.
- Stretcher Guy: Good lord, this guy shit himself big time!
- Switowski: [jumps up and down celebrating] See! I told you i made-ed him shit himself!
- Earl Megget: [as Dunmham is being carted off the field on a stretcher] I'll be sure to send them books to the hospital, pimp!
- Deacon Moss: And some diapers!
- Caretaker: [introducing himself to Crewe] Whatever your pleasure, I can facilitate. You need weed, you need meth- hey, you need Prozac, I'm your man. I know how you white boys always deal with that depression. I mean me personally, I don't understand what you white boys are all depressed about. Hey, you're white! Smile!
- Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: [on TV after he crashes his girlfriend's car] Hey, Lena, I think we should start seeing other people!
- Walt: [watching on TV with Lena] I think I'm in love.
- Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: You play football?
- Caretaker: Me? No. I sucked so bad, they used to pick *after* the white kids. Used to be mad to be like, "Man, I can't believe I picked a nigga that can't play!"
- [after inmates score touchdown on trick play]
- Guard Lambert: Is that legal?
- Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Yes, it is.
- Guard Lambert: Is that a touchdown?
- Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Yes, it is.
- Guard Lambert: Oh, goddamn it!
- Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: [drinking a toast with Caretaker] Here's to the first friend I've had in I-don't-know-how-long
- Switowski: I thought I was your friend, Paul.
- Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: You are my friend, Switowski. Just finish your coloring book and go to sleep.
- Switowski: OK.
- Punky: [after the convicts won the game] We win! Group hug in the shower tonight!... or not. Or not.
- Captain Knauer: [after Crewe starts fight in lunch room] Stand up Crewe! You think you can do anything don't you... well you're no different than any other piece of shit that calls this place home...
- Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Really they all think you're a dumb redneck too?
- Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: [Knauer takes a swing at Crewe with his night-stick amd Crewe catches it] You should really start cutting that shit out it's gettin old...
- Captain Knauer: That's gonna cost ya...
- Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Looking forward to it...
- Joey Battle: Wow, no bullshit! Football, against the guards?
- Coach Nate Scarborough: Yep, full contact.
- Joey Battle: Captain Knauer is the quarterback?
- Caretaker: Yep.
- Joey Battle: So I get to tackle him?
- Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Yeah, either that you can hit him over the head with that hammer.
- Joey Battle: I wanna hurt him, not kill him.
- Caretaker: Lets get outta here before that thing bites someone!
- Caretaker: Look in your toilet, I left you a surprise.
- Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: You took a shit in my toilet?
- Caretaker: No, that's what I left in Brucey's toilet.
- Brucie: [Brucie is about to kick off] Jesus Christ my saviour,if you help me out with this one I promise to stop cheating on my wife with black guys, Amen.
- Ms. Tucker: [to Brucie] You wish I'd kiss you 'cos your breath smells like eight cans of shark shit.
- Guard Engleheart: Stop booing, people. Both teams are trying very hard.
- Guard Dunham: What the hell's wrong with you? Stop acting like a damn cheerleader.
- Guard Engleheart: Sportsmanship. Try it.
- Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: [On the last play of the first half] Do you assholes remember that play we practiced in the mud?
- Deacon Moss: What are you talking about? That was some schoolyard bullshit!
- Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Yeah, let's try some schoolyard bullshit!
- Switowski: [after Turley breaks his nose] I think he did it on purpose!
- Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: No, he didn't do it on puropse...
- [glances over at Turley]
- Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Okay maybe he did.
- Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: [after being pulled over by cops] Hey, you can finish that one... I've got five more. Take care guys.
- Big Ears Cop: ...shit happens.
- Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Shit does happen. I mean, look what happened to your ears.
- Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: [to Caretaker] Hey, let's have a maniacal pillow fight tonight! That should boost your rating!
- Skitchy Rivers: Yeah, and we can sell it to Pay-Per-View - Superstar vs. Half-a-Star.
- Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: [as he's calling a play] Battle, you're a psycho! Tony, you're a fat shit! Hut!
- Deacon Moss: The only game I'll play with you... is slap the point shaving white boy, til he cries like a baby back bitch.
- Cheeseburger Eddy: baby back bitch, baby back bitch, baby back bitch, baby back bitch.
- Caretaker: That's a big ass robot
- Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: [Crewe is being pulled over by the cops] Oh, man, here come the party poopers...
- Guard Lambert: Crewe! I'll see you on the field.
- [bangs his head on a locker]
- Coach Nate Scarborough: [to Crewe] I think he's in love with you.
- Captain Knauer: Do you have any idea who's beating you out there? This was supposed to be a blow out and they're showing you up in front of the whole nation. The whole nation!
- Guard Engleheart: I like it when he's angry.
- Ms. Tucker: Paul... Paul I wanted to let you know that I am your biggest fan and that I'll will be cheering my jailhouse boobies off for you on gameday!
- Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Ok I appreciate that.
- Ms. Tucker: Paul I appreciate you.
- Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Ok.
- Brucie: All right are you done now?
- Ms. Tucker: What are you just jealous because I don't cheer for you anymore?
- Brucie: Yea I don't know what you're talking about.
- Ms. Tucker: Whatever back freckle!
- Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: I will be your coach, your captain, your quarterback...
- Brucie: You haven't played in years! Why can't I be quarterback?
- Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: You're right; let's see what you got.
- [throws ball to Brucie]
- Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Hit me; I'm open!
- Brucie: [throws wild pass]
- Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: That's why, now sit down and shut up.
- [after Crewe decides to come back to the game]
- Turley: I'm glad you're back, now I don't have to stab you.
- Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: [to Turley] People have said that we look alike, so I just wanted to see for myself.
- [Turley roars very loudly]
- Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: I'm gonna go take a piss.
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