Steve Carell credited as playing...
Andy
- Mooj: Hey Andy, don't let him bother you. It's okay not to have sex. Not eveybody's a pussy magnet. You, uh, what are you, 25?
- Andy Stitzer: I'm 40.
- Mooj: Holy shit, man, you got to get on that!
- Beth: [Andy is following Cal's advice to only ask questions when talking to a woman] Can I help you?
- Andy Stitzer: I don't know. Can you?
- Beth: Are you looking for something?
- Andy Stitzer: Is there something I should be looking for?
- Beth: We have a lot of books, so maybe it depends on what you like.
- Andy Stitzer: What, um, what do you like?
- Beth: We have a great section of do-it-yourself.
- Andy Stitzer: Do you like to do it yourself?
- Beth: [giggles] Sometimes... if, um, the mood strikes!
- Andy Stitzer: How is the mood striking you now?
- Beth: [they both laugh] What's your name?
- Andy Stitzer: What's your name?
- Beth: I'm Beth.
- Andy Stitzer: Andy.
- Beth: Andy... Don't tell on me, okay Andy?
- Andy Stitzer: I won't... unless you want to be told on, Beth.
- [walks away]
- Jill: Are you Andy?
- Andy Stitzer: Uh... yeah.
- Jill: [holds up Jay's card] Is this yours? Did you write this stuff?
- Jay: My girlfriend Jill found *your* speed dating card.
- [raises his eyebrows]
- Andy Stitzer: [Covering] Oh! Yeah... right. God, I've been looking for that speed dating card. Thank you so much for bringing it to me.
- Jill: So you actually wrote that one girl looked like she was "hurtin' for a squirtin'"?
- Andy Stitzer: [Stunned] Mmm-hmm... yeah, "hurtin' for a squirtin'". Yeah, I wrote that.
- Jill: Oh, so you wrote, "ho fo' sho'".
- Andy Stitzer: [Embarrassed] Yeah, I remember that girl. She was a ho... for sho'.
- Jill: You are never going to meet anyone with that kind of mentality about women, you sick son of a bitch!
- Andy Stitzer: Who the... Who the fuck are you to put me on trial? I've never even met you. So why don't you back the shit off, all right? And stop with the inquisition.
- Jill: That's how you talk?
- Andy Stitzer: You know what? I don't have to answer to you, you ain't my bitch! Know what I sayin'? So, shit, man... fuck it!
- Jill: [to Jay] You shouldn't even be hanging out with this pervert.
- Jay: I don't hang out with him! I work with him and that's it! I tried to introduce him to a few nice people, he made a fool of himself. I don't mess with him, baby. That's not me.
- Andy Stitzer: You should keep your ho on a leash.
- Jay: Oh, bro, I can't let you talk...
- Andy Stitzer: Hey!
- Jay: I can't let you be talking to my woman that way, dawg.
- Andy Stitzer: Hey, hey! Bitch's running wild, man.
- Andy Stitzer: You know how when you grab a woman's breast... it feels like... a bag of sand.
- David: What?
- Mooj: Life is about people. It's about connections.
- Andy Stitzer: It's all about connections.
- Mooj: It's not about cocks, and ass, and tits.
- Andy Stitzer: Yeah.
- Mooj: And butthole pleasures.
- Andy Stitzer: It's not about butthole pleasures at all.
- Mooj: It's not about these rusty trombones, and these dirty sanchez.
- Andy Stitzer: Please stop.
- Mooj: And these cincinatti bowties, and these pussy juice cocktail, and these shit stained balls.
- Andy Stitzer: Mooj, just please stop.
- Andy Stitzer: You know what? I respect women! I love women! I respect them so much that I completely stay away from them!
- Smart Tech Customer: This shit just got real!
- Jay: What are you gonna do, bitch?
- Smart Tech Customer: I'll tell you what. You know Luca Perry from 20th and 25th?
- Jay: You ever heard of rolling twenties, nigga? Since I was sixteen, nigga, I'm saying "frosty." You know what I'm saying? "Spoon", nigga. We fucked dwarves in the ass!
- Smart Tech Customer: Nigga, this dwarf here don't got to be tall to pull a trigger off in somebody face!
- Andy Stitzer: [walks up quickly] Good afternoon! Good afternoon! Welcome to Smart Tech. What can I help you with?
- Smart Tech Customer: [points at Jay] Is this your boy?
- Jay: Yeah, nigga, we will both mash you! What? What? Where you at?
- Andy Stitzer: Hey, how can we help you, sir?
- Jay: No, no, he don't need no help! He's already been served. I served him. He's taken care of. He's a little slow, but he got it. See, what he thought was he can come up here and make the rules. But now, he see that Jay make the rules at Smart Tech, that I run this bitch, and now he 'bout to bounce!
- Smart Tech Customer: This your boy?
- Jay: Yeah, nigga, that's my boy. We rep the same Smart Tech.
- Smart Tech Customer: [points at Andy] You just got fucked up with him. Both ya'll niggas gonna get clapped up when I get back.
- [pretends to shoot two guns at them]
- Smart Tech Customer: Both ya'll niggas!
- Andy Stitzer: What? What did I do?
- Smart Tech Customer: It don't fucking matter!
- Jay: Yeah, well, aim high, Willis. Aim high!
- Health Clinic Counselor: Now, there are ways of having sex without intercourse. Let's see, there are things like body rubbing or dry humping.
- Andy Stitzer: You could dry hump.
- Health Clinic Counselor: There's masturbation.
- Andy Stitzer: Masturbation. Play with yourself.
- Health Clinic Counselor: Mutual masturbation.
- Andy Stitzer: Play with a friend.
- Cal: Oh, man, I had a weekend.
- Andy Stitzer: Yeah?
- Cal: We went to Tijuana, Mexico, you know? And we thought it would be fun, you know, to go to a show. Everybody says you gotta check out one of these shows. And... it's a woman fuckin' a horse. We get there and we think it's gonna be awesome and... it is not as cool as it sounds like it's gonna be. It's kinda gross.
- Andy Stitzer: Yeah.
- Cal: You think "A woman fuckin' a horse" and you get there and... it's a woman fucking a horse.
- Andy Stitzer: Yeah.
- Cal: It was really giving it to her. And you know what? To be honest I just felt bad for her, we all just felt bad for her.
- Andy Stitzer: Yeah.
- Cal: I kinda felt bad for the horse!
- Andy Stitzer: Wow, that's something.
- Cal: So what about you? What did you get up to?
- Andy Stitzer: You know, I just kinda hung out. I was...
- [pause]
- Andy Stitzer: Oh man, Friday, I really wanted an egg salad sandwich and I was just obsessing about it and I was like, 'Man, I'm gonna make one of those.' So Saturday, I went out and got, like, a dozen eggs and then I boiled them all and I just, I spent, I dunno, probably three hours, like three and a half hours making, you know, the mayonnaise, and the onions and paprika and, you know, the necessary accoutrement. And then, by the time I was done, I didn't really feel like like eating it.
- Cal: I can imagine.
- Andy Stitzer: And I didn't have any bread.
- [pause]
- Andy Stitzer: So you know, it was pretty good. It was a good weekend.
- Cal: Sounds pretty awesome.
- Andy Stitzer: Yeah, it was fine.
- Cal: Sounds really fun.
- [pause]
- Cal: Cool... Cool cool.
- Cal: [Andy turns away and Cal mimics blowing his own brains out with a finger pistol]
- [about how he knew the prostitute was really a transvestite]
- Andy Stitzer: She had hands as big as Andre the Giant's, and she had an Adam's apple as big as her balls.
- Andy Stitzer: [defending himself from Trish's comments on him riding a bicycle] Einstein rode a bike!
- Trish: He had a wife, who he fucked, by the way!
- Andy Stitzer: Is it true that if you don't *use* it, you *lose* it?
- Health Clinic Counselor: Is that a serious question?
- Andy Stitzer: No, it wasn't.
- Andy Stitzer: Take your porn with you.
- David: I'm not taking it.
- Andy Stitzer: [following David to the front door] Take your box o' porn!
- David: It's my gift to you.
- Andy Stitzer: No, I don't want it. David it's not... just... just...
- David: [shouting] Andy for the last time, I don't want your giant box of pornography!
- Andy Stitzer: No no no, just- Come on man! So uncool!
- David: No...
- [continues shouting]
- David: Uncool? Uncool is trying to give an honest man a big box of porn, Andy!
- Paula: Andy. Have you ever heard of the term... 'Fuck Buddy?'
- Andy Stitzer: No... What's that?
- Paula: Well, it's a special... friend... who you fuck.
- Cal: [of his first thoughts on Andy] I kinda thought you were a serial killer.
- Andy Stitzer: Oh.
- [chuckles]
- Cal: No, I'm serious.
- [about Andy telling Trish he's a virgin]
- Andy Stitzer: What if she laughs at me?
- Cal: Then you punch her in the fucking head.