Best Week Ever with Paul F. Tompkins (2004– )

Doug Benson: Self

Quotes 

• [talking about Hermione Granger] 

  Doug Benson : She puts the "bra" in abracadabra.

• Doug Benson : Einstein used science to get laid. That guy is a genius. I've been using money.

• Doug Benson : Daniel Craig is having the best week ever and I don't even know who the fuck he is.

• Doug Benson : [on the celebrity rescue effort in New Orleans]  Oprah didn't just bring herself, she brought her celebrity friends, because when Oprah says, "Jump," they say, "Which couch?"

• Doug Benson : The musical number for Crash was one of the most depressing things I've ever seen. And not because it was about racism, but because it was horrible... and about racism.

• Doug Benson : I was hoping Star Jones and Rosie O'Donnell sat next to each other on the View. Cause then maybe they'd get into a fight... to the death... or worse.

• [on Wilmer Valderrama] 

  Doug Benson : The thing is girls will always say you're lying when you say you had sex with them when you're lying about having sex with them.

• Doug Benson : Of course the OC stands for: only Caucasian.

• Doug Benson : [J-Lo]  finally married into her own music genre. Crappy music

• Doug Benson : P. Diddy's gonna be exhausted, you know, running with the Olympic torch in one hand and the torch he'll always carry for J-Lo in the other.

• Doug Benson : [over Green Day's 9 minute operetta on latest CD American Idiot]  I used to make love to Green Day's music. But 9 minutes? I'm not Superman.

• Doug Benson : All marionettes are trying to say with this movie, is that if you don't see it, the sock puppets have won.

• Doug Benson : [the Pop Culture Bachelor]  I did not give a rose to the Growing Pains Reunion movie because let's face it no Growing Pains movie is complete without Boner.

• Doug Benson : [on the UPN reality show "Britney and Kevin Chaotic"]  I do not want to see someone else's home movies and I'm a narcissist who loves to look at himself naked in the mirror.

• Doug Benson : Why would any woman agree to be on a show called Bridezillas? It's not like men would agree to be on Douchegroom.

• Doug Benson : The genius' behind the new Rocky movie decided to call it Rocky Balboa so that we'll probably forget that it's number six. Or Rocky Balboa can't count past five.

• Doug Benson : Cat owners are so excited to demonstrate how they taught their cats to poop in the toilet, that they are making videos to share that gift with the world. Now we know what happens when people get tired of making home porn.