Julian Barratt credited as playing...
Howard Moon • Dennis • Brian Ferry • Crack Fox • Jurgen Haabemaaster • Lucien • Milky Joe • Mr. Susan • New Zoo-Keeper • Rudy • Rudy Van Disarzio • Sandstorm • The New Moon
- Vince Noir: Howard... Howard... Howard... Howard... Howard... Howard... Howard... Howard... Howard... Howard... Howard... Howard?
- Howard Moon: This better be good.
- Vince Noir: You know the black bits in bananas, are they tarantulas' eggs?
- Howard Moon: Please don't speak to me ever again in your life.
- Old Gregg: What do you think of me?
- Howard Moon: I don't rightly know, Sir.
- Old Gregg: Make an assessment.
- [Vince and Howard have been buried up to their necks and left for dead in the desert]
- Vince Noir: Howard? You think it's going to be alright?
- Howard Moon: No. We're gonna die in the most horrific way known to man.
- [sighs in resignation]
- Vince Noir: [smiling] Had some good times, though, didn't we?
- Howard Moon: Yeah...
- Vince Noir: Huh... yeah...
- Howard Moon: [wistfully] Remember the time we had that soup?
- Vince Noir: That was brilliant.
- [they start singing]
- Howard Moon, Vince Noir: Soup! Soup! A tasty... Soup! Soup! A spicy, carrot and coriander...
- Vince Noir: ...chili chowder!
- Howard Moon, Vince Noir: Crouton! Crouton! Crunchy friends in a liquid broth.
- Howard Moon, Vince Noir: I am gazpachio... OH! I am a summer soup... Mm!
- Howard Moon, Vince Noir: Miso! Miso! Fighting in the dojo. Miso! Miso! Oriental prince in the land of soup!
- [they stop singing]
- Vince Noir: Classic times.
- Howard Moon: [shaking his head] Crazy days...
- The Spirit of Jazz: Ow! My hat's on fire! What's wrong with you? You blind? Why didn't ya tell me?
- Howard Moon: Sorry, I thought that was your look
- Howard Moon: I want to be the greatest Jazz player in Yorkshire.
- The Spirit of Jazz: Yorkshire? What is Yorkshire?
- Howard Moon: Yorkshire is a place. Yorkshire is a state of mind.
- Lucien: You should never go out on Black Lake when the moon be full.
- Vince Noir: Why?
- Lucien: Because there's somethin' out there... somethin' evil... somethin' that goes by the name of Old Gregg...
- [creepy music]
- Vince Noir: ...who?
- Lucien: Ol' Gregg. Legendary fish. Some say he's half man, half fish. Others say it's more of a seventy-thirty split. Whatever the percentage, he's one fishy bastard.
- Colin: Some say he's a ghost. Can't catch what don't exists. Hook goes right through 'im.
- Lucien: Some say he's acquired the taste of human meat, won't respond to conventional bait. Only way to hook him is to use a child's toe.
- The Moon: And some say, Old Gregg is like a, a big fish finger, but big! Like um, like a garage. As big as a garage. Imagine that fish finger, when you can see it is as big as a garage, oh! It isn't small, it's the big one! Like that.
- [smiles]
- Howard Moon: Vince, you've gone wrong.
- Vince Noir: I am the Chosen One. I have the amulet.
- Howard Moon: Yeah, well maybe it's time I had the amulet for a bit.
- Vince Noir: You don't accessorise. There's a simple truth to you.
- Howard Moon: Give me the amulet, you bitch!
- Howard Moon: Just imagine the headlines 'Howard Moon, Colon, Explorer'. Got a ring to that don't it?
- Vince Noir: Colon Explorer?
- Howard Moon: You know what I saying.
- Vince Noir: I think that's got the wrong ring to it.
- Vince Noir: I hate jazz!
- Howard Moon: You hate jazz? You fear jazz! You fear the lack of rules. Skiddly biddly dee wop ba-wow...
- Vince Noir: Stop it.
- Howard Moon: Bop. Dah wop, skiddly doo wah...
- Vince Noir: STOP THE EVIL!
- Howard Moon: I'm an explorer.
- Vince Noir: I thought you were a writer?
- Howard Moon: I do many things. I span the genres - they call me the genre spanner.
- Vince Noir: Yeah, they call you the spanner...
- Howard Moon: Kodiak! It's me, Howard Moon, we spoke on the phone this morning.
- Kodiak Jack: The what?
- Howard Moon: The telephone...
- Kodiak Jack: Ohh, the talky stick! Your voice was trapped in there this morning.
- Vince Noir: Calm a llama down.
- Howard Moon: Calm a llama down.
- Vince Noir, Howard Moon: Deep down in the ocean blue like a barnacle/ Sitting in a tight place/ Laughing like a monkey arm/ Pulling like a China boy/ Carraway carraway carraway noise/ Boing, chika masala/ Boing, chika masala/ oh tooth tooth/
- [suck in air]
- Vince Noir, Howard Moon: !
- Tommy Nooka: [singing] Cheese is a kind of meat/ A tasty yellow beef./ I milk it from my teat./ But I try to be discrete./ Oh cheese!/ O cheese!
- Vince Noir: [Tommy repeats song] Is that your hero?
- Howard Moon: Yeah, he's gone a bit wrong.
- Vince Noir: I'm going to stick with Jagger.
- [Tommy begins beatboxing]
- Howard Moon: You used to be a zookeeper, this is where your heart was. What about the zoo?
- Vince Noir: [bleeped] F*** the zoo
- Howard Moon: [shocked] What did you say?
- Vince Noir: [bleeped] I said, f*** the zoo
- Howard Moon: I can't believe you're saying that. What about the animals?
- Vince Noir: [bleeped] F*** the animals! They're all a bunch of w******!
- Vince Noir: Lady Fame is always banging on my door!
- Howard Moon: That's not Lady Fame, though, is it? That's Ms Pelham, she talks to mushrooms.