Michael Cera credited as playing...
Scott Pilgrim
- Scott Pilgrim: When I'm around you, I kind of feel like I'm on drugs. Not that I do drugs. Unless you do drugs, in which case I do them all the time. All of them.
- Scott Pilgrim: We are Sex Bob-Omb and we are here to make you think about death and get sad and stuff.
- Ramona V. Flowers: This is good garlic bread.
- Scott Pilgrim: Yeah, I think garlic bread would have to be my favourite all-time food. I could eat it for every meal. Or just constantly, without stopping.
- Ramona V. Flowers: Then you'd get fat.
- Scott Pilgrim: No, why would I get fat?
- Ramona V. Flowers: Because bread makes you fat.
- Scott Pilgrim: Bread makes you fat?
- Ramona V. Flowers: What kind of tea do you want?
- Scott Pilgrim: There's more than one kind?
- Ramona V. Flowers: We have blueberry, raspberry, ginseng, sleepy time, green tea, green tea with lemon, green tea with lemon and honey, liver disaster, ginger with honey, ginger without honey, vanilla almond, white truffel, blueberry chamomile, vanilla walnut, constant comment and... earl grey.
- Scott Pilgrim: Did you make some of those up?
- Scott Pilgrim: I know you play mysterious and aloof just to avoid getting hurt. And I know you have reasons for not wanting talk about your past. I want you to know that I don't care about any of that stuff. Because I'm in lesbians with you.
- Todd Ingram: We have an unfinished business. I and he.
- Scott Pilgrim: He and me.
- Todd Ingram: Don't you talk to me about grammar!
- Wallace Wells: If you want something bad, you have to fight for it. Step up your game, Scott. Break out the L-word.
- Scott Pilgrim: Lesbian?
- Wallace Wells: The other L-word.
- Scott Pilgrim: ...Lesbians?
- Scott Pilgrim: Wait! We're fighting over Ramona?
- Matthew Patel: Didn't you get my email explaining the situation?
- Scott Pilgrim: I skimmed it.
- Wallace Wells: [shaking head] Mm-mm.
- Matthew Patel: You will pay for your insolence!
- Stacey Pilgrim: [Scott has just broken up with Ramona] Did you really see a future with this girl?
- Scott Pilgrim: Like... with jet-packs?
- Scott Pilgrim: Hey so, can this not be a one-night stand? For one thing I didn't even get any. That was a joke.
- Ramona V. Flowers: What did you have in mind?
- Scott Pilgrim: Oh, come to this first round of this battle of the bands thing.
- Ramona V. Flowers: You have a band?
- Scott Pilgrim: Yeah, we're terrible. Please come.
- Ramona V. Flowers: [sighs] Sure.
- [leaves]
- Scott Pilgrim: Oh wait, can I get your number?
- Ramona V. Flowers: Here.
- Scott Pilgrim: Wow... girl number...
- Ramona V. Flowers: See you at the show Scott Pilgrim.
- Scott Pilgrim: Oh hey it's tonight! At the...
- Julie Powers: So, what can I *censored* get you?
- Scott Pilgrim: Is there anywhere you don't work?
- Julie Powers: They're called jobs, something a *censored* ball like you wouldn't know anything about. And by the way, I can't *censored* believe you asked Ramona out after I specifically told you not to *censored* do that!
- Scott Pilgrim: How are you doing that with your mouth?
- Julie Powers: Never *censored* mind how I'm doing it!
- Computer: You've got mail.
- Scott Pilgrim: [Turns To Wallace] Dude, this thing claims I have mail.
- Wallace Wells: [groggily] It's amazing what we can do with computers these days.
- Scott Pilgrim: [Turns back] Dude, now I'm totally reading it.
- Wallace Wells: [sarcastic] I'm so happy for you.
- Todd Ingram: Tell it to the cleaning lady on Monday.
- Scott Pilgrim: What?
- Todd Ingram: Because you'll be dust by Monday... because you'll be pulverized in two seconds. The cleaning lady? She cleans up... dust. She dusts.
- Scott Pilgrim: So, what's on Monday?
- Todd Ingram: 'Cause... it's Friday now, she's the weekends off, so... Monday, right?"
- Envy Adams: Basically, you can't win this fight, so you better give up on this girl, 'cause Todd's gonna kill you.
- Scott Pilgrim: You used to be so nice!
- [Runs towards Todd Ingram, who holds his hand up and lifts him a foot into the air with his mind powers, then hurls him through a brick wall]
- Stephen Stills: Um, Scott, we're gonna go to Pizza-pizza for a slice, call us when you're done...
- [He and Kim walk off]
- Envy Adams: Oh, he'll be done, real soon...
- Todd Ingram: [a long bass note is played from the hole] Sounds like someone wants to get... funky.
- Stacey Pilgrim: Next time, we don't date the girl with eleven evil ex-boyfriends.
- Scott Pilgrim: It's seven.
- Stacey Pilgrim: Oh, well, that's not that bad.