Barry Humphries credited as playing...
John Monk
- Kel Knight: So John, why are you selling the franchise?
- John Monk: It's hair dressers orders, really. I'm not really an albino.
- Kel Knight, Kath Day Knight: Oh.
- John Monk: [chuckles] No, this is peroxide.
- Kel Knight, Kath Day Knight: Oh.
- John Monk: Amazing, isn't it? Vidal says that if I'm not careful, this, this could turn into one great big dried-up frizzy old perm.
- Kath Day Knight: Oh, that'd be awful wouldn't it? You wouldn't want one of those. Anyway, John, would you like to stay for tea?
- John Monk: Well, what is it?
- Kath Day Knight: Yeah? Oh, we're just going to have some seafood, some left over seafood.
- John Monk: Australian seafood. Very nice.
- Kath Day Knight: Yeah, I've got a nice piece of extender there, haven't I? And we've got the Chicken Tonight, that we didn't have today, that we can have tonight.
- Kel Knight: So, John, what do you think of Australia?
- Kath Day Knight: Oh, yes! Tell us. Be honest, be honest.
- Kim Day Craig: It's the best place in the world, isn't it?
- John Monk: Well to be perfectly frank with you, I was a little disappointed in Edithvale, and Aspendale and, to some extent, Mordialloc. But once I got past Parkdale and into the Golden Mile, oh, I was blown away.
- Kim Day Craig: Oh, yeah.
- John Monk: I mean, with IKEA on one side, and Ray's Tent City ad Barbecues Galore on the other, it doesn't get much better than that.
- Kim Day Craig: No, it's fantastic.
- Kath Day Knight: It doesn't, indeed.
- Kath Day Knight: Can you hear someone outside, Kel?
- [dramatic choral music plays]
- Kath Day Knight: It's the albino, Kel! It's John Monk! What's he doing here? He's coming inside!
- Kel Knight: Oh, Jesus, Mary and Joseph.
- Kath Day Knight: What?
- Kel Knight: The code, Kath. I've just realised. All the signs were there. I've cracked it, Kath!
- Kath Day Knight: Yeah, I think I have to, Kel!
- Kel Knight: No, I've cracked the code. The Da Vinci Code. Listen, it's like a puzzle. First, there was the car that nearly ran over me. Then there was the slashed painting.
- Kath Day Knight: And our names, Kel. I've always thought. Kel Knight, Knight's Templar. And Kath Day - Opus Dei.
- Kel Knight: And now John Monk has come here to kill us, just like in the end of "The Da Vinci Code".
- Kath Day Knight: Is that what happened in the end? Because I didn't finish it! I lost interest! Oh, no!
- [screams]
- John Monk: Have you cracked the code yet?
- Kel Knight: Yes. And you're going to kill us!
- John Monk: No, no. I'm not. You haven't read the clues properly. You haven't worked it out, have ya? Where is that painting?
- Kath Day Knight: The painting? It's there.
- Kel Knight: So each number corresponds to a letter of the alphabet?
- Kath Day Knight: And it spells out the magic word: "Franchisee"? Well, what does that mean?
- John Monk: It means that I want to offer you and Kel the Da Vinci Code Tour franchise.
- John Monk: Oh, this chicken is rubbery.
- Kath Day Knight: [In mock Japanese accent] Thank you, John-san. Thank you vely mush.
- John Monk: No, I mean it. It really is rubbery!
- Kath Day Knight: Oh no! They're not chicken breasts. They're mine! They're my chicken fillet falsies!