Desperate

A few years ago, just the thought of a movie featuring a scene with Tera Patrick and Shy Love teaming up to take on some guy in hardcore action would have been enough to send any Tera fan into fits of pure ecstasy. But, that was a few years ago. Tera has since decided to augment her once naturally fantastic 36D breasts, and the end result is less than stellar. In every film since then, she's also decided to cake on far too much bad makeup, completely masking the natural beauty that was one of the main catalysts in her ascent to stardom. It's not nearly as bad in this movie as most her recent ones, but it's still too much.

Tera has also decided that the only man she'll perform with is her husband, Biohazard bassist/Oz actor Evan Seinfeld, better known in the porn world by the moniker "Spider Jonez". It would be one thing if Mr. Jonez was a stud of Erik Everhard caliber, but, sadly, he's fat and bald, with disgusting tattoos plastered on most parts of his body. Compared to most guys in the industry, he's also lacking in other areas.

While there's obviously other scenes in this movie, they're all your standard fare; none are really worth talking about. The aforementioned scene with semi-new star Shy Love is the real draw here. Even with two of my favorites teaming up, it's an overall disappointment. The main reason being Spider Jonez himself, the others being wretched dialog and bad direction. I know, I know, "Who cares about dialog in pornography." But with horrible fake "sounds" and hilarious dirty talk, it's really distracting. I don't want my porn to make me laugh. Unlike in the beginning of her career, Tera sounds amazingly forced and clichéd, which is odd, because you'd think she wouldn't have to fake it for the person she married. Spider actually manages to produce an impressive "finale." However, thanks to poor direction/editing, we only get to marvel at his handiwork very briefly before the scene fades out, sadly before the two ladies can even share their new gift with each other. A completely wasted opportunity for a potentially classic Tera scene.

I keep watching these new Tera movies, hoping to see something resembling the performer she once was. Sadly, I've yet to see it. I'm about to give up on her all together. I'd tell any fellow Tera fan to leave this garbage on the shelf and find some classic Ms. Patrick to enjoy.