- Deputy Travis Junior: Reno is a lot like Mayberry on the TV except that everyone's on crystal meth and prostitution's legal.
- Lieutenant Jim Dangle: This is the stupidest group of people I've ever worked with who are not legally retarded.
- Deputy Trudy Wiegel: I became a police officer because my doctor told me I needed to get out of the house more.
- Rick Smith, S.W.A.T.: Let me ask you a question, people, What is the difference between bravery and courage?
- Deputy Trudy Wiegel: Oh I know. Bravery is something that you do... Sorry.
- Rick Smith, S.W.A.T.: Bravery is when you do something dangerous and you're not even scared. Courage is when you are smart enough to know that you should be scared, but you do it anyways.
- Deputy Cherisha Kimball: Oh.
- [laughs]
- Deputy Travis Junior: I just had the weirdest dream.
- Lieutenant Jim Dangle: You know you're driving, right?
- [hits a porto-potty]
- Lieutenant Jim Dangle: [cheerfully] Nobody in it!
- Drug Lord's First Hostage: [after being tortured by weed whacker] Who brings a weed wacker on a boat?
- Deputy Trudy Wiegel: This hotel reminds me of a place you'd want to go to get a good ol' fashioned raping or a down-home murder!
- Deputy Clementine Johnson: Let me in, I don't have a key to this door.
- Lieutenant Jim Dangle: It's open. You ok?
- Deputy Clementine Johnson: Oh, I'm in love.
- Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Hey, you've got a bandage on your teat.
- Deputy Clementine Johnson: A love bandage.
- Lieutenant Jim Dangle: No, I mean an ace bandage.
- Deputy Clementine Johnson: Oh my God, if I've been stabbed, I'm gonna be so pissed!
- Jeff Spoder: [to Ethan] I've understood, like, every third word you've said to me the entire time I've known you.
- Terry: I just flew in. I'm recording an album. It's called Terrys' South Bitch Live: Fuck You Dad, and it drops in 2009.
- Captain Rogers, DHS: You fuck with me one more time... I'm gonna fill up a tube sock with oranges and I'm gonna beat you till I juice it, then I'ma drink that juice in front of you and you'll beg to me 'why why why' but I won't answer that question because you'll know its so you'll get your heads out of your asses
- Rick Smith, S.W.A.T.: [Introducing himself to the Reno Police Department] Rick Smith, S.W.A.T. They call me, "The Condor." Sorry I'm late to the B-B-Q, I was on a mission when I got the call.
- Kevlar Guy: [Officer Weigel takes her turn shooting at guy in Kevlar vest & accidently shoots him in the arm] What the fuck?
- Glen the Desk Clerk: Hello, welcome to the International Inn. How many?
- Lieutenant Jim Dangle: There's 8 of us...
- Glen the Desk Clerk: 8, 8 people for a suckfest.
- Lieutenant Jim Dangle: No, no suckfest. We're here for a convention.
- Glen the Desk Clerk: I like convention too. I'm in a convention. A suckfest convention.
- Deputy Trudy Wiegel: Terry, we're in no mood for your hijinx. Are you getting on the bus or not?
- Terry: I'm not getting on that bus. A: it smells like farts. B: I've got my own jet that I got for Flagday to take me back home. So you wanna ride in the fart-mobile or do you wanna ride with me?
- Deputy Clementine Johnson: You need to go to the store and get me some cranberry juice cuz it's gonna be one of those days!
- Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Uh oh, yeast infection time!
- Deaf Tattoo Artist: [pointing to Clementine's crotch] You got anything down there?
- Deputy Clementine Johnson: Actually, I have nothing down there. Just like a Barbie.
- Deputy Raineesha Williams: Thats not the only thing you're on. What else are you on, Terry?
- Terry: I'm on fucking crack, yo!
- Deputy Travis Junior: [one of the topless ladies on the beach is holding a pistol] Who gave topless a gun?
- Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Why was your hand on my dick?
- Deputy Trudy Wiegel: I dreamt that I was driving in the Indie500!
- Deputy Trudy Wiegel: Terry, when you're here, you're an ambassador for Reno.
- Terry: Heavy on the assador!
- Lieutenant Jim Dangle: Does anybody have any ideas?
- Deputy Trudy Wiegel: What about... a phone... you can smell through...
- Deputy Raineesha Williams: We got a call about lewd behavior on the boardwalk and you the only thing I see around here that could qualify as lewd.
- Terry: How is this... I'm not lewd at all... I don't even know what... lube or lewd?
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