Dulé Hill: Burton Guster • Miles Velour • Self

Psych

Burton Guster • Miles Velour • Self

Karen Vick: It goes without saying, Mr. Spencer, that your father is in no way to participate in this investigation. He's no longer on the force, and his meddling could compromise the case in court. Do I make myself clear?
Shawn Spencer: Yes, you do, Chief. What isn't clear is why people always say "goes without saying," yet still feel compelled to say the thing that was supposed to go without saying. Doesn't that bother you?
Karen Vick: No, and frankly, I could care less.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Now, that's the one that bothers me. Why do people say, 'I could care less' when they really mean, 'I couldn't care less?'
Karen Vick: Well, why don't you tell me how to properly say this? If you share any official information about this case with your father, or let him anywhere near any new evidence, then the two of you will have to find another police department to work for, and I will personally see to it that each of you is charged with obstruction of justice.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: You split an infinitive.
Shawn Spencer: Good catch, Gus!
Karen Vick: You two realize I carry a gun, right?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: That was perfectly elocuted.

Henry Spencer: I don't even know how that ridiculous urban legend got started.
Shawn Spencer, Burton 'Gus' Guster: [stare at each other]
Shawn Spencer: [whispering] It was your big-ass mouth!
Burton 'Gus' Guster: I wanted to keep it a secret! You were the one who was broadcasting it at the lunch table!
Shawn Spencer: I can't believe this...
Burton 'Gus' Guster: We actually started an urban legend.
Shawn Spencer: That's dope.

Receptionist: There is a Lt. Crunch here to see you.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Crunch?
Shawn Spencer: [enters, dressed in a Civil War uniform] Actually, I've been promoted. It's Captain Crunch.

Shawn Spencer: I can't believe this. You lifted your look right off this mannequin!
Burton 'Gus' Guster: On the contrary, Shawn. Clearly, someone is stealing my look.
Shawn Spencer: Right... I did see Tommy Hilfiger creeping from bush to bush sketching you.

Burton 'Gus' Guster: I'm a man of untold mystery. that's why my friends call me G.
Shawn Spencer: Ha. That's funny. I thought they called you Big-Head Burton.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Don't ever say that name, Shawn. Besides, I know it was you who started that.
Shawn Spencer: I'm sorry, Gus, I have a knack for alliteration. I'm a slave to it. Besides, how many words start with a B?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: About a thousand! You could have used bold, black, beautiful...
Shawn Spencer: Dude, who would have called you Black Burton?

Burton 'Gus' Guster: Great. Now you've gotten me kicked out of a funeral. Just add it to the list. Kicked out of Petsmart, kicked out of Santa's Village, kicked out of the Salvation Army...
Shawn Spencer: Dishonorably discharged!

Burton 'Gus' Guster: Now everybody on my mom's side of the family thinks that I'm a psychic detective, and they think you're...
Shawn Spencer: Gay?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: No.
Shawn Spencer: German?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: No.
Shawn Spencer: Invisible?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: My assistant.
Shawn Spencer: Wow.

Shawn Spencer: Life insurance policy?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: It doesn't make any sense.
Shawn Spencer: Tell me about it... Dude, seriously, tell me about it. I have no idea what this means.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: You never could understand legalese.
Shawn Spencer: Oh, really? Remind me who it was who set up our Psych 401ks?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Oh, you mean our 601ks? Because India doesn't have 401ks.
Shawn Spencer: It's a growth economy, Gus. We've already made like, 500 rupee.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: That's thirteen dollars.

Burton 'Gus' Guster: Are you crazy?
Shawn Spencer: I wouldn't say crazy. Maybe an eccentric who looks good in jeans.

Burton 'Gus' Guster: So now I have a cat?
Shawn Spencer: An orange tabby. Last Christmas you made her a tiny Santa hat and she adores it.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Fantastic. I can't even have a make-believe boy cat.
Shawn Spencer: Gus, a boy cat would never serve my purposes nearly as well. Next time I need you, Pickles is having kittens.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Pickles?
Shawn Spencer: Mrs. Pickles is her full name. Although, I'm not actually sure cats can marry outside of Boston.

Burton 'Gus' Guster: Don't you watch the news?
Shawn Spencer: I can't watch Channel 8 anymore. Lloyd Lansing wears a toupee. It's like every newscast begins with a lie.

Burton 'Gus' Guster: What part of "stay put" is confusing to you?
Shawn Spencer: The "put" part. I wasn't "put" in the first place, Gus. The whole expression is a complete disaster.

Burton 'Gus' Guster: Wasn't Howie the victim at one point?
Shawn Spencer: Gus, that is so forty minutes ago. I bet you're still telling your friends to chillax.

Burton 'Gus' Guster: To be honest, I'm burnt. I just wanna take a nap.
Shawn Spencer: Couldn't agree with you more, buddy. I think we should lay low for a bit. No more cases.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Oh, I'm so glad to hear you say that. I was kind of worried about telling you.
Shawn Spencer: Don't be a silly goose. Now, we've had a good talk, I think we both felt it, and look at this. Here we are.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: What is this, Shawn?
Shawn Spencer: Okay, here's the thing. The police may have found a body... which I may have picked up on my police scanner which... I may have brought with me.