Paul Williams: The Penguin • Oswald Cobblepot

Almost Got 'im

The Penguin • Oswald Cobblepot

Two-Face: Poison Ivy.
Poison Ivy: It's been a long time, Harvey. You're still looking around halfway decent.
Two-Face: Half of me wants to strangle ya.
Poison Ivy: And what does the other half want?
Two-Face: To hit ya with a truck.
Poison Ivy: We used to date.
The Joker, The Penguin, Killer Croc: Ah.

The Penguin: So, I hear You-Know-Who nailed The Mad Hatter last week...
The Joker: No kidding! He sure gets around for one guy.
Two-Face: Yeah, well, that's where you're wrong. I don't think it is one guy.
Killer Croc: Huh?
Two-Face: The way I figure it, Gordon's got a bunch of them stashed someplace, like a S.W.A.T. team. He wants you to think it's one guy, but...
The Joker: Ah, you're always seeing double.
The Penguin: It's obvious our caped friend suffered some crime-related trauma when he was younger. Perhaps an over-anxious mugger blew off a piece of his face.
The Joker: Sure, he could be all gross and disgusting under that mask!
[Dent, who was adding cream to his coffee, crushes the carton]
The Joker: Uh, no offense, Harv.
Two-Face: Just deal...
Killer Croc: Well, you know what I think?
The Joker: Not the robot theory again...
Killer Croc: Well, he could be.

Killer Croc: You'd think one of us would've got 'im by now...
The Penguin: I've come the closest.
Poison Ivy: Are you kidding? I was the one who nearly...
Two-Face: [pounds the table] Nobody's come closer to stopping the Batman than ME!
[a squabble breaks out, which the Joker ends with a whistle]
The Joker: The fact is each of us has their own "almost got 'im" story to tell...

The Penguin: [all the villains have weapons trained on Killer Croc, who is really Batman in disguise] Well, well, an impostor in our midst!
Poison Ivy: Risking everything for your kitty, Batman?
Two-Face: You're not getting outta this one!
Batman: Maybe
[snaps his fingers. Everyone in the bar turns around and trains guns on the villains]
Batman: but I'm not bad with traps, myself.

[the Penguin lures and traps Batman in a bird conservatory]
The Penguin: Greetings, Batman! You have taken the bait, as I knew you would. Now, prepare to meet your end, within my Aviary of Doom!
Poison Ivy: [interrupting] Aviary of WHAT?
The Joker: Yeesh, Pengers! How corny can you get?
The Penguin: Fah! Just because you mundane miscreants have no drama in your souls! Anyway, there he was in my av... uh, big birdhouse...

The Penguin: [unleashing a batch of birds on Batman] Beautiful, aren't they? Like glittering fragments of the rainbow. By the way, that mist I sprayed on you is derived from the nectar these birds drink. It's quite harmless. Their poison-tipped beaks, however, are not.
[he tries to fight them off]
The Penguin: A scratch or two will merely slow you down. Three or four, and you'll start to get drowsy. And after that, well... I wish I could say it's been nice knowing you.

Two-Face: Whose deal is it?
The Penguin: Mine. I find your middling machinations mildly diverting. But, for sheer criminal genius, none surpasses my most recent ornithologically-inspired entoilment.
The Joker: Smaller words, please. You're losing Croc.
Killer Croc: [Confused] Uhhh...

The Penguin: Naturally, I had flown the coop by the time he escaped. Still, I almost got 'im.
The Joker: Not even close! You see, the thing you're forgetting is that there are all sorts of ways to "get" someone. Take my latest run-in with Batsy. It was just last night, as the entire country was tuning in to its favorite talk show.