- Host: Did you write this symphony in the shed?
- Arthur "Two Sheds" Jackson: No!
- Host: Have you written any of your recent works in this shed of yours?
- Arthur "Two Sheds" Jackson: No, no, not at all. It's just an ordinary garden shed.
- Host: I see, I see. And you're thinking of buying this second shed to write in!
- Arthur "Two Sheds" Jackson: No, no. Look. This shed business... it doesn't really matter. The sheds aren't important. A few friends call me "Two Sheds" and that's all there is to it. I wish you'd ask me about the music. Everybody talks about the sheds. They've got it out of proportion... I'm a composer. I'm going to get rid of the shed. I'm fed up with it!
- Host: Then you'll be Arthur "No Sheds" Jackson, eh?
- Announcer: Yes, mothers, new improved Whizzo Butter, containing 10% more less, is absolutely indistinguishable from a dead crab!
- The Colonel: All through the winter of '43, we had translators working in joke-proof conditions to try and produce a German version of the joke. They worked on one word each for greater safety. One of them saw two words of the joke and spent several weeks in hospital. But apart from that, things went pretty quickly, and we soon had the joke by January in a form which our troops couldn't understand, but which the Germans could.
- Nazi: Vot is the big joke?
- Interrogated Officer: I can only give you name, rank, and why did the chicken cross the road?
- German Radio Voice: [English translation of the fatal joke] There were zwei peanuts walking down the strasse, und one was assaulted - peanut.
- Nazi: I want to know the joke.
- Interrogated Officer: All right. How do you make a Nazi cross?
- Nazi: [thinking] I don't know. How do you make a Nazi cross?
- Interrogated Officer: Tread on his corns.
- Nazi: [getting his toes stomped on, he jumps around, shouting in anger] That's not funny!
- [he pretends to backhand the officer, with a Gestapo agent clapping to simulate the strikes]
- Nazi: Now, if you don't tell me the joke, I shall hit you properly.
- Interrogated Officer: I can stand physical pain, you know.
- Nazi: Ah, you're no fun.
- Narrator: The joke was a fantastic success. Over 60,000 times as powerful as Britain's great pre-war joke...
- [shows footage of Neville Chamberlain with the Munich Accord]
- Narrator: ... and one which Hitler just couldn't match.
- Adolf Hitler: My dog's got no nose!
- Artur Axmann: How does he smell?
- Adolf Hitler: Awful!