The Dirt (2019)

Nikki Sixx : How many chicks have you fucked so far?

Nikki Sixx : No, not today. On the tour.

Vince Neil : Oh, man. I lost count after that gang bang in Salt Lake City.

[laughs]

Nikki Sixx : That was fun.

Vince Neil : What about you, old man?

Mick Mars : Did you ever stop to think that the slobs who fuck you guys probably fuck every other band who comes through town?

[pause, then Nikki, Tommy, and Vince laugh hysterically]

Vince Neil : Yeah. Yes, they do.

Tommy Lee : Dude, we're like pussy brothers with the whole scene.

[continued laughing]

Mick Mars : I happen to have respect for myself and the females of our species, unlike you animals.

Vince Neil : When Tommy sits behind his drums, Nikki picks up his bass, and Mars plugs in his guitar, something happens, man.

Nikki Sixx : It's like a weird kind of electrical humidity. You don't just hear it, you feel it.

Tommy Lee : All I can say is we fucking made it, dude.

Mick Mars : I don't know how we're not dead or in jail. We shit on a lot of people and did things that we regret every day. But somehow, we're still here, in it together.

Tommy Lee : That's fate.

Vince Neil : That's family.

Nikki Sixx : And that's Mötley Fuckin' Crüe.

Mick Mars : Yeah, you're goddamn right I'm old. Old enough to know better... than to waste my time fucking around with a bunch of rug-monkeys. I'm paying child support and sleeping on park benches, so I need to know you're not pulling dick here, 'cause I'm looking to go the distance. And if that's not you guys, let's not waste the fucking time.

Nikki Sixx : I fucking love this weird little guy.

Tommy Lee : He's real, dude.

[Nikki and Tommy high-five each other. Tommy offers a high-five to Mick, but Mick stares at him, and he puts his hand down]

Tommy Lee : Sorry.

Nikki Sixx : So here's my theory, okay? If we want to knock people on their asses, then we've gotta give them a show. The punks, they're doing the minimalist thing, so let's take it in the exact opposite direction. I'm talking, I'm talking a stadium show in the clubs, man. Like, costumes and lights and...

Tommy Lee : Pyro. Flames and shit!

[Tommy sprays a lighter]

Nikki Sixx : Exactly.

Tommy Lee : Explosions.

Nikki Sixx : Exactly! Look, it's a fucking war out there, and the only way we win is by showing these kids something they've never seen before.

Vince Neil : So what do we call this thing?

Nikki Sixx : Where is it? Here.

[Nikki pulls out his notebook with lyrics and Satanic drawings]

Nikki Sixx : You know, it's all about being, like, fucking larger than life.

[Nikki shows them a sheet of paper with a pentagram and the word "XMASS"]

Vince Neil : XMASS?

Nikki Sixx : Yeah.

Mick Mars : On a scale of one to ten, that gets a 1.9.

[Tommy chuckles]

Nikki Sixx : It's a play on Christmas, you know. You can use all the Christ imagery and shit. It'll piss people off and make people think, you know. It... It's got shock value.

Mick Mars : Yeah. I'm shocked by how much it blows.

[Tommy and Vince laugh]

Nikki Sixx : All right then, assholes. You give it a shot, but fucking make it big!

[Tommy gets an idea]

Nikki Sixx : Here. Use my pen, Tommy.

[Tommy starts scribbling on the notebook while chuckling]

Nikki Sixx : What have you got, Tommy?

[Tommy shows a drawing of a penis and the words "The Fourskins". Vince and Nikki laugh]

Nikki Sixx : The Fourskins? Really, Tommy?

Tommy Lee : Yeah. 'Cause we're gonna fuck the audience in the face every night, dude.

Nikki Sixx : Yeah, but can you see that shit on the marquee above the Forum?

Tommy Lee : Okay, you're right. I'm out.

Nikki Sixx : Come on, Mick. You've gotta do better than that.

[Mick shows them the words "Motley Crew"]

Mick Mars : I've been waiting a long time for this day.

Nikki Sixx : All right.

[Nikki grabs the notebook and does some scribbling on Mick's suggestion. He then shows his version of the name to the band]

Tommy Lee : [laughing] That's sick, dude!

Nikki Sixx : Right?

Vince Neil : Yeah.

[Tommy throws up from stagefright]

Mick Mars : Seriously, we're gonna die.

Tommy Lee : I'm okay.

Nikki Sixx : Right, listen up. Come on. Gather round, guys.

[the band gets together]

Nikki Sixx : Look where we are. We've got an old man, a kid drummer, a cover band singer, and a fucking runaway. No one would have thought we'd make it here, so fuck them. Win it all, lose it all, We're Mötley Fuckin' Crüe!

[Tommy howls]

Nikki Sixx : So let's destroy these motherfuckers!

Tommy Lee : Yeah!

Nikki Sixx : Come on!

[at Vince's party, Nikki snorts some cocaine when he notices Vince talking to a female guest]

Nikki Sixx : Mick.

[points at the conversation]

Nikki Sixx : [mimicking a female voice] Hey, are you in the band?

Mick Mars : [imitating Vince] What do you fucking think?

[they both laugh]

Mick Mars : [a pregnant Sharise arrives in the conversation between Vince and the female guest]

Vince Neil : Hey, babe, this is Grace.

Tom Zutaut : [imitating Vince] Have you met my wife Sharise? Do you wanna have a threesome?

[Nikki stares at Zutaut]

Nikki Sixx : Tom, what the fuck is wrong with you, man? She's fucking pregnant, man. That's fucked up.

[guilty look on Zutaut's face before Nikki slaps his shoulder]

Nikki Sixx : Nah, I'm just fucking with you. I'm just fucking with you, man. But don't be a fucking dick, okay? Look at her, she's fucking pregnant.

Mick Mars : [lies down] Don't be a fucking dick, Zutaut.

Tom Zutaut : All right, I'm sorry.

[Mick arrives at Nikki's apartment. Tommy helps him unload his amplifier from his car]

Tommy Lee : Whoa, dude. You got it? Here for the audition?

Mick Mars : Yep.

Tommy Lee : Well, I'm Tommy.

Mick Mars : Mick Mars.

Tommy Lee : I'm the drummer.

Mick Mars : Scrawny for a drummer.

Tommy Lee : I used to be in Suite 19, so...

Mick Mars : Shitty band.

Tommy Lee : Hey, man. Did you ever even see us play?

Mick Mars : Suite 19?

Tommy Lee : Yeah.

Mick Mars : Don't need to. Band with a shitty name, ten times out of ten, shitty band.

[looks at Nikki]

Mick Mars : Hey.

Nikki Sixx : Hey, man.

Tommy Lee : What the fuck do you know?

Mick Mars : Been in a lot of bands with shitty names.

Nikki Sixx : So you think you got it?

Mick Mars : Let's just fucking play it.

[the band plays "Live Wire". In the middle of the song, Mick bursts into a loud solo, which puts Rick off guard]

Rick : Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Hold up!

[the band stops playing]

Rick : Hey, you mind turning it down a little bit, old timer? I can't hear myself. Jesus.

Mick Mars : [turning to Nikki] Fucking hippie ain't gonna make it.

Nikki Sixx : So tell him.

[Mick approaches Rick]

Mick Mars : Listen to me. There's only room for one guitar player in this band, and that's me. So why don't you, uh, pack up your toys and go home?

[confused look on Rick's face]

Rick : Okay, I was here first, all right? Tommy, tell him.

[Tommy drops his drum stick]

Rick : Nikki? Come on.

[Nikki shrugs]

Rick : Really? You're gonna listen to this old dude over me? Then fuck you guys, man!

[Rick unplugs his guitar]

Rick : And your shitty fucking band.

[Rick leaves the apartment in tears]

Tommy Lee : So how old are you, Mick?

Mick Mars : Fuck you, you fucking teenager.

[as Vince prepares for his audition, Nikki hands him a sheet of lyrics]

Nikki Sixx : And we got you some lyrics. This is, uh, "Live Wire".

Vince Neil : Yeah, I like this one.

[Vince notices the concerned look on Lovey's face]

Vince Neil : What's up, babe?

Lovey : I'm just trying to make sure these guys are good enough to play with you.

[the band starts practicing "Live Wire" with Vince when Lovey suddenly gets up and interrupts them]

Lovey : This isn't right! This isn't right! This isn't right!

Nikki Sixx : All right. Stop.

[the band stops playing]

Nikki Sixx : Sorry, what?

Lovey : This music's way too heavy, baby.

Nikki Sixx : Thank you.

Mick Mars : Why don't we just, uh, tune it all down a whole step so that he can...

Tommy Lee : Let's play it faster too.

Nikki Sixx : If you, uh, really stretch out the chorus...

Vince Neil : Uh-huh.

Nikki Sixx : ...and punch the top, man.

Vince Neil : Okay.

Nikki Sixx : Hit this note, right here.

[Nikki points at Lovey]

Nikki Sixx : And muzzle that.

Lovey : [gets up] Hey, fuck you, asshole! He doesn't tell me what to do, so go fuck yourself, motherfucker!

[Mick interrupts Lovey by playing the song, followed by the rest of the band. Vince's vocals get the whole band in sync, impressing Lovey all of a sudden]

Lovey : Holy shit.

Nikki Sixx : [narration] Elektra Records signed us to a five-album deal.

[Nikki passes a cymbal full of cocaine]

Nikki Sixx : Tommy, vacuum this mess up.

Tommy Lee : Yes, sir.

Nikki Sixx : [narration] We got a fat cash advance, which meant better drugs and bigger parties.

Tommy Lee : [narration] We were the kings. I mean, look at this place! Everybody wanted to party with us.

Party Goer : Can I get a fucking line, man?

[Mick shoves the party goer away]

Mick Mars : Yeah, right, man. Get the fuck out of here.

Tommy Lee : [narration] I mean, Diamond Dave from Van Halen, right there on our fucking couch!

[party goer approaches David Lee Roth, who is snorting his own cocaine]

Party Goer : Hey, can I get a line of that?

[party goer stumbles and hits the wall, causing a mirror to crash on Roth]

Nikki Sixx : Whoa! What the fuck, dude?

Party Goer : Chill out, asshole. It's cool.

Nikki Sixx : Cool? That is David Lee Roth. How about you show a little respect or get the fuck out?

Party Goer : Make me, motherfucker.

[party goer shoves Nikki, only to get punched by Doc McGhee, who puts him in an arm lock]

Doc McGhee : You fellas are gonna need a manager.

[Doc looks at Roth]

Doc McGhee : Hey Dave.

David Lee Roth : What's everybody looking at?

Mick Mars : [looking at audience] This didn't actually happen. Doc never came to this filthy shithole. We met him at the Santa Monica Civic Center after a show. He also brought his partner, Doug Thaler. Doug's a good guy, and it's kinda shitty he got cut from this movie, but I think this is as good a version as any. So... on with the goddamn show.

Tom Zutaut : Oh, good. You met Doc. He works with James Brown, KISS, you name it.

Mick Mars : Fucking hate KISS.

Doc McGhee : Well, I make them a shitload of money, and I take care of everything they need, which is what I'm gonna do for you.

Nikki Sixx : Oh yeah? And how are you gonna do that?

Doc McGhee : Look, I know what I see up there. Anyone can start a band and crap out a song or two, but not many have the vision to go the distance. And you guys need someone to guide you through the fucking wilderness.

Nikki Sixx : And you're gonna be that someone?

Doc McGhee : You're goddamn right I am.

[pause]

Nikki Sixx : All right.

Nikki Sixx : [narration] This was our fucking moment.

[Nikki and Tommy meet Mick outside a hospital after Mick's hip replacement surgery]

Mick Mars : Filthy bastards.

Tommy Lee : How's that new hip, dude? Feel like the Terminator now or some shit?

Mick Mars : Touch the chair and I'll terminate you, drummer.

Nikki Sixx : Ready for this, Mick?

Mick Mars : [to his nurse] Thank you.

[Mick gets up from his wheelchair]

Mick Mars : Stop looking at me like that. Let's go get our fucking singer back already.

Tommy Lee : Aye-aye, captain.

Mick Mars : Goddammit.

[Vince is drinking at a bar after losing Skylar]

Bartender : Hey, Vince.

[Vince turns around and sees Nikki, Tommy, and Mick]

Tommy Lee : Hey, man.

Nikki Sixx : Just wanna talk, Vinnie. That's it.

[pause]

Nikki Sixx : Come on, Vinnie.

Mick Mars : Let's talk.

[they move to a table]

Nikki Sixx : I was scared. After what happened with Razzle, I was scared that I was losing the only thing that ever mattered to me.

Vince Neil : Yeah, your band.

Nikki Sixx : No. No. This.

[points around everyone]

Nikki Sixx : This. Look, we went to war together. Shit changes, people change, but I don't fucking care if Mötley Crüe never plays another note. All I want is my fucking brother back. Because this is the only family that I've ever known.

[pause]

Nikki Sixx : Fuck.

Tommy Lee : We love you, Vin. Okay, fuck, I love you.

Nikki Sixx : And I am sorry about Skylar, man.

[Vince breaks down in tears]

Nikki Sixx : Fuck.

Vince Neil : It's against the laws, man. It's against the fucking rules of the universe.

[Mick tries to comfort Vince]

Mick Mars : Hey.

Nikki Sixx : Hey. We got you, brother. We got you, brother. We got you.

[Tommy plays part of 'Home Sweet Home' on piano when Vince arrives at the studio]

Vince Neil : Yo.

Tommy Lee : What's up, dude?

Vince Neil : Hey, man.

[Tommy jumps on the couch while Vince approaches the band]

Nikki Sixx : I got, um, the lyrics. I made a couple of adjustments, but...

[Nikki hands Vince the lyric sheet]

Nikki Sixx : I think you may like 'em.

Vince Neil : 'Home Sweet Home'?

Nikki Sixx : It's been too long, buddy. Here.

[Nikki offers a dish]

Nikki Sixx : Have a bump with me.

Vince Neil : I just got out of fucking jail.

[long pause while Nikki plays his bass, then Vince decides to take the dish]

Vince Neil : You're an asshole. Wanna show me the melody?

[Vince snorts a line and suddenly feels uncomfortable. He runs and throws up on a waste basket]

Vince Neil : What the fuck was that?

Nikki Sixx : That was smack.

Vince Neil : You guys slip me smack, and I'm the fucking problem?

[Vince kicks the table]

Vince Neil : Yeah, I know what you're thinking. I'm a monster. I killed Razzle, yeah. Could have happened to any one of you!

Mick Mars : [puts on sunglasses] Nice job, Nikki.

[Vince walks out]

Nikki Sixx : [narration] The craziest thing about all this... is that I thought it was Vince who was fucking up the band.

Nikki Sixx : Is this bring your fucking girlfriend to work day?

Mick Mars : Wish I had a girlfriend.

Nikki Sixx : I know, Mick. I know.

[before Tommy and Heather's wedding]

Tommy Lee : She's really gonna marry me, huh? This isn't some kind of a sick joke, is it?

Mick Mars : Life's a sick joke.

Tommy Lee : [fixing his bowtie] Hey, what time is it? I think we should get out there. Hey, Nikki, let's hit it. You guys ready?

[Nikki is sleeping on the couch]

Tommy Lee : Yo, best man! Let's go! I got a wife waiting. Come on.

[Nikki is out cold]

Tommy Lee : You fucking kidding me?

[Tommy approaches Nikki]

Tommy Lee : Hey, Nikki. Wake up, asshole.

Nikki Sixx : What the fuck, dude?

Tommy Lee : Jesus!

Nikki Sixx : I'm good. It's all good.

Tommy Lee : You're most definitely not all good, man. But, whatever, just clean up...

[Nikki gets up and stumbles on the coffee table]

Tommy Lee : Hey! Hey, get your shit together! I don't want Heather to be embarrassed, okay?

Nikki Sixx : I'm embarrassing? Cool.

[Nikki drinks a beer]

Nikki Sixx : Let's go marry your fancy ass TV chick in this fancy ass hotel.

Tommy Lee : Hey, are you gonna do this on the happiest day of my life, asshole?

Nikki Sixx : The happiest day of your life? Nah, the happiest day of your life was when I let you join my band.

[Tommy takes off his bowtie and walks away from Nikki]

Tommy Lee : Shall I get someone else to stand up there with me or what?

Vince Neil : Don't look at me, man.

Mick Mars : I'll do it, drummer.

[Mick gets up]

Nikki Sixx : I-I-I've already got the fucking rings. Let's just go.

[Tommy walks out of the living room while Nikki struggles to put on his jacket and falls on the coffee table again]

Nikki Sixx : Shit!

[Vince storms into the studio]

Mick Mars : Maybe if we save that fill until the second chorus when we come in with the...

[Vince barges in]

Vince Neil : Someone wanna tell me what the fuck's going on here?

Nikki Sixx : Let's save us all some time, especially yours, Vince, as it's clearly more fucking valuable than ours!

Vince Neil : You'd better tell me what the fuck's going on.

Nikki Sixx : What's going on is that we're down here, and we're working, and we wanna be here, but we are tired of forcing you to be here with us.

Vince Neil : Maybe I'd come in more if I liked the material.

Tommy Lee : [gets up] Maybe you'd like the material if you were in the studio making it with us instead of staring at your fucking watch!

Vince Neil : Yeah, I'm staring at my watch because this album is fucking stupid!

[pause]

Vince Neil : You know what, fuck all y'all. You know, I am done. Fuck this. I quit.

Nikki Sixx : Good, 'cause you're fucking fired!

Vince Neil : I quit already, dick!

Iwan Rheon: Mick Mars

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