Destroy All Humans! 2 (2006 Video Game)
Richard Steven Horvitz: Orthopox, The Freak
Quotes
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Crypto : What do we know about the Blisk, aside from they're ugly as sin?
Orthopox-13 : They are indeed a most repulsive race, and incredibly vicious. Further, they treat their workers very badly and have offensively short tempers.
Crypto : Any resemblance to present company is completely coincidental.
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Orthopox-13 : Crypto, what if it's true? What if you are... The One?
Crypto : Well, I did take a red pill this morning.
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Pox : I shall continue my repairs on the saucer and then I shall... I don't know, order a virtual pizza or something. Brains, I hate this.
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Space Traffic Control : I'm sorry, sir, but I've never heard of you.
Pox : Never heard of... I'm Orthopox-13 man! The Orthopox-13! The conqueror of Zargon 5? The Hero of the battle of Tharsis Mons? The winner of the Xanthrax-47 cruelty award six years running? I'm the second most senior fleet commander in the entire Furon Navy! I was enslaving hyper-dimensional insectoids on the dunghills of Beedleblat while you were still in short pants! And you've never heard of me?
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Orthopox-13 : Here we are, scene 1. I looked pretty good that day.
Crypto : You're a
[bleep]
Crypto : hologram, you look like crap.
Orthopox-13 : Crypto, watch your language you
[bleep]
Orthopox-13 : [bleep] !
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Crypto : Hey, Pox, you know, I've been thinking and, well, I bet that all of this really cuts back on all of your practical jokes, don't it?
Orthopox-13 : Oh, sure, point out that I'm dead again! It just gets funnier every 50th time you do it, doesn't it?
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Orthopox-13 : Ah, Albion, where the city never sleeps and the locals never floss...
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Orthopox-13 : Crypto, If you can here me, meet me in the park. That humans tampering seems to have damaged some of your equipment. No, I'm not talking about your new package!
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Reginald Ponsonby-Smythe : You honestly think you're the only... the only...
Crypto : The only what?
Orthopox-13 : Leave it, Crypto. The man was in the throes of a violent demise and obviously in no state to talk. You've had your fun, now let's get out of here quick!
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Orthopox-13 : The White ninjas have pieces of our precious mothership and their planning to blow them up!
Crypto : Ninjas again? What are ninjas doing in 1969?
Orthopox-13 : Just go with it. Who doesn't love ninjas?
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Orthopox-13 : I'm picking up a signal in the ocean to the south.
Crypto : Yeah? What kind of signal?
Orthopox-13 : A radiation signature, emanating in gamma waves from the creature's tortured brain.
Crypto : Tortured?
Orthopox-13 : Yes. It's as if the monster is crying out, "Kill me! Kill me!"
Crypto : That's gotta be the most pathetic thing I ever heard. So, you want me to hunt down this monstrosity and put it out of its misery?
Orthopox-13 : Actually, I want you to read its mind and intuit the source of its cognitive distress, so we can get it some help and over time teach it confidence and self-esteem.
Crypto : You've GOTTA be kidding me.
Orthopox-13 : OF COURSE I AM, YOU MUTATION! NOW GO KILL THAT THING!
Crypto : Okay, okay, but how do I find it?
Orthopox-13 : Do I have to... You get in your saucer and fly to the spot marked on your radar. Look for bubbles on the water. That's a pretty good sign there's a MONSTER!
Crypto : So, then, what? I just drop some fat boys into the water and blow it up?
Orthopox-13 : Unfortunately, no. Your saucer's weapons are ineffective underwater. You'll have to figure out some way to get the beast to surface first.
Crypto : And then I play a little whack-a-lizard. Got it.
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Orthopox-13 : The saucer's sensor is picking up significant radiation levels all around you Crypto. Either Gastro's gout is acting up or there must be some fuel rods nearby.
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Crypto : Hey Pox, I had something I wanted to ask you but I guess it's kinda 'immaterial' now.
Orthopox-13 : Oh, yes have your fun. But my time and my new clone body will come.
Crypto : Listen, I hate the KGB as much as the next guy but don't we have any other enemies.
Orthopox-13 : Not on Earth. Besides, they've been roughing up some of my Yakuza poker buddies. I want you to find all the KGB agents in the Yakuza headquarters and destroy all of them. Are you in?
Crypto : Poker reference, nice. You're quite a card.
Orthopox-13 : Let's just stop right there.
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Orthopox-13 : Excelent Crypto! You've collected all the Nexus crystals. And I owe Gastro a fiver.
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Orthopox-13 : That cinches it Crypto! You destroyed the Blisk Base. I''ve half a mind to put you up for a medal. But only half.
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Crypto : Have you seen the blonde babushka? She was supposed to meet me here.
Orthopox-13 : No, I haven't. As a matter of fact, you haven't even properly introduced us.
Crypto : Yeah, well, I'm trying to impress her.
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Orthopox-13 : And why don't you... torture some hippies?
Crypto : For information?
Orthopox-13 : No, for prosperity. Of course for information you dolt! Now get out there and cause some trouble!
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Crypto : Hey Pox, you got a cushy job here, I do all the work and you sit around eating bon-bons.
Orthopox-13 : In case you hadn't noticed Cryptosporidium... I have no body!
Crypto : And nobody cares about you... heheh, get it Poxy?
Orthopox-13 : I loath you.
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Orthopox-13 : Oh, we're doomed! We'll never get that pure DNA back to the home world now! Our race will clone itself right into the genetic trash bin of history! Oh, tragedy!... Unless...
Crypto : Unless...?
Orthopox-13 : If we overload the laser guidance system, the weapon might veer off target!
Crypto : Laser guidance system? What laser guidance system?
Orthopox-13 : The dishes, Crypto. Overload the dishes!
Crypto : Do the dishes, protect the Earth, save the Furon DNA, got it. Man, whatever happened to destroying all humans?
Orthopox-13 : Let this be a lesson to you, Crypto: the best laid plans can be derailed by an unexpected case of the crabs! Now, go!
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Orthopox-13 : Crypto! You need to increase the intensity of those radar emissions! Perhaps if you cross the beams... Oh, no, wait, that would be bad.
Crypto : I'm a little fuzzy on the whole good/bad thing.
Orthopox-13 : Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously, every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light. Total protonic reversal.
Crypto : Right, that's bad, got it.
Orthopox-13 : No, no, there's no use for it. We're just going to have to take the risk. Do it, Crypto! Cross the beams! Cross them for all your worth!
Crypto : You asked for it!
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Crypto : Hey, Poxy, what's it like being one of the floating dead?
Orthopox-13 : It's quite peaceful actually. No distractions, certainly no violence or destruction. Frankly it's boring the phlegm off me. Aaaah! I want a new clone body!
Crypto : I almost feel sorry for the poor guy. Almost.
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Orthopox-13 : Using Poxlab, I've created a new virus that will infect and kill the Blisk.
Crypto : Catchy.
Orthopox-13 : Let's hope so. I've arranged for it to be delivered to the moon by a courier company... Oh, what's the name? The North American Shipping Association. Anyway, everyone else calls them NASA. You wouldn't believe the cost of shipping to developing galaxies. I should mention, though, there have been some, er, complications.
Crypto : Okay, I'll bite, what kinda complications?
Orthopox-13 : The delivery men are refusing to land without clearance from their master, a fellow called "Houston". They're just hovering there, waiting for orders.
Crypto : And lemme guess: we're gonna give them those orders, right?
Orthopox-13 : Exactly.
Crypto : Yeah, I'm a regular Rich Little. Okay, let's get contagious.
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The Freak : I am a leaf on the wind, watch me soar.
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Admiral Cyclosporasis : I could just dispatch another fleet commander who can get the DNA without having his mothership blown to qwarks!
Orthopox-13 : Another com... but Admiral... this whole mission was my idea! I selected the target planet... I drew up the briefing manuals... I defended the plan in front of the entire war council! You can't take this detail away from me!
Admiral Cyclosporasis : Don't tell me what I can and can't do Commander. Hold tight, and I'll send someone to pick you up... as soon as I can spare the rescue pod.
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Ivan Oranchov : Savages. Degenerates. There's only one way to deal with such people.
Orthopox-13 : What in the...
[the mothership blows up]
Ivan Oranchov : Revolution.
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Orthopox-13 : You'd better destroy those blimps quickly Crypto, or our Bay City brain farm will turn into a den of unmotivated degenerates sitting in front of their 'TV' screens, twiddling their thumbs... Ahem!
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Crypto : Pox we got a problem. Bongwater must be drinking his own revelade because the Freak says he's planning to fumigate Bay City with giant blimps.
Orthopox-13 : Great galaxies! That's so moronic it might just actually work.
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[during the Kojira Kaiju battle]
Orthopox-13 : Crypto, let that creature have it with everything you got!
Crypto : Arkvoodle-dammit! What's the deal here Pox? The more stuff that thing knocks down, the more it regenerates!
Orthopox-13 : Well, it HAS to have a weak spot somewhere! Find it and hit it hard! You don't want to lose the big one in front of your little ninja groupies, do you?
Crypto : I don't give a damn about my little ninja groupies! I'm worried about getting my ass stomped!
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Crypto : Hey, Pox, it just occurred to me. Who's running the country while I've been away? Hasn't anyone noticed the President missing?
Pox : Well, you never did spend much time at the oval office anyway, so I installed a limited mechanism to keep the humans alive while you were away.
Crypto : What kind of mechanism?
Pox : Oh, just a limited functional machine. It smiles, waves, occasionally spouts inspiring patriotic speeches about world peace and other such nonsense.
Crypto : Heh, guess the monkeys wouldn't know the difference.
Pox : Actually, your Approval Rating has tripled since I made the switch.
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Crypto : Alright, hit me again with the part about Bongwater's blimps.
The Freak : What?
Crypto : Bongwater! He has blimps full of Revelade.
The Freak : He does? Far out!
Crypto : No, you're the one who said so! You just said he's gonna cover Bay City in Revelade gas!
The Freak : Oh. Really? I said that?
Crypto : Focus, Freak! Does he or doesn't he?
The Freak : Does who what?
Crypto : Does Bongwater have Revelade blimps preparing to attack Bay City?
The Freak : [alarmed] Bongwater has Revelade blimps preparing to attack Bay City?
Crypto : See, kids? This is why you shouldn't do drugs.
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Crypto : Hey, Pox, do you ever notice? There seems to be a lot of crates lying around. Just random crates. I mean, what could they all be for? You can't tell me anybody needs this many crates just lying around. I guess if they were being used for something, then... then I could understand. So many crates...
Pox : I think they got the hint, Crypto.
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The Freak : I wonder if there really is life on other planets. I wonder if aliens really do walk among us. I wonder if an alien is reading my mind RIGHT NOW!
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Orthopox-13 : Holy hookers of Arkvoodle!
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Orthopox-13 : Albion is full of tunnels, pipes, and excavations galore. It's like a moldy sponge, built atop noxious Swiss cheese.
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Crypto : [about Kojira] Look, Pox, explain this monster to me. The Ivans can't even make a decent wristwatch. How the hell did they come up with the technology to turn a summer intern into that?
Orthopox-13 : I've been trying to figure that one out myself, and I keep coming to the same conclusion. They did it.
Crypto : What are you suggesting?
Orthopox-13 : I'm not sure, but there's more than good, old-fashioned, Russian can-do spirit working.
Crypto : You're telling me. Those people have all the initiative of a normal convention.
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Orthopox-13 : Don't do anything rash.
Crypto : Rash? Me? Nah, I got a cream for that; cleared it right up!
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Crypto : [encountering the Blisk for the first time] Hold the phone, what do these freaks want?
Orthopox-13 : Wait a minute... Now that I think of it, that machinery looks suspiciously familiar... Oh my... HOLY HOOKERS OF ARKVOODLE! Crypto! Do you know who these "freaks" are?
Crypto : They're not Commie cabbage-heads?
Orthopox-13 : Great galaxies, no! They're not even human! They're the enemy - OUR enemy! The enemy we Furons defeated in the Martian War! Crypto... THEY'RE BLISK!
Crypto : Blisk? Wait a minute, I thought we wiped the Blisk out!
Orthopox-13 : I have no explanation! I can barely believe my sensors! But a few of them must have somehow survived!
Crypto : Not for long. Attention, Blisk: I am Cryptosporidium of the planet Furon! This planet is now a territory of the Furon Empire! And your asses belong to ME!
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Crypto : Okay, what about the cosmonauts?
Pox : Well, they're just humans, of course, albeit the cream of Soviet citizenry. They think their leaders here represent some sort of shadowy Kremlin cabal. Of course, the Blisk have been playing them like puppets - not that they realize it. They're so proud! If they knew how the Blisk were using them, they'd be furious!
Crypto : Sounds to me like we need to send the cosmonauts a little wake-up call.
Pox : Hmm. Not a bad idea. A crowd seems to be assembling in the cosmonaut base. Why don't you check it out? I think it's time the puppets met their masters, hmm?
Crypto : Okay, I got it: turn the cosmonauts against the Blisk! This is gonna be fun!
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Crypto : Hey, HoloPoxy, long time no see! Where ya been? Oh, that's right.
Pox : Listen, Crypto, I haven't time for your jive talkin'. We've business to tend to!
Crypto : Bark all you want, Poxy, you don't have a mothership. Hell, you don't even have a hand to slap me with.
Pox : Don't cross me, Crypto! I'm still your superior officer. And, I have friends in high places.
Crypto : If you have so many friends in high places, how come they ain't sent us another mothership yet?
Pox : That ship we'll be here very soon! And I can't talk bunk!
Crypto : Ha! If I don't make you another clone body, you're not getting *any* bunk, so there!
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Crypto : [Crypto meets Pox after escaping from Ponsonby's custody] Pox, man, I have never been so glad to see you! Actually, I've never been glad to see you, but I am now.
Pox : Serves you right for trusting a human. What in the musky name of Arkvoodle happened down there?
Crypto : Well, I, uh, I ran into a little static with Ponsonby. Nothing major, a little wham, bam, thank you ma'am, and he was history and I was outta there.
Pox : Is that so? Then why didn't I hear you shooting back at him?
Crypto : Moronic monkeys, probably took the rifle apart to wipe their monkey butts with.
Pox : Or study it. Looks like they tried cracking it open with brute force, and succeeded only in breaking it. Well, have no fear; this, I can fix.