The quote in the review's subject is the actual tagline for this 2010 straight-to-video horror quickie poetically entitled
"Butchered". Hmm, I guess someone confused classic horror with amateur nonsense. Yes I'm looking at you Mr. and Mrs. Writers/Co-directors! But then again, you honestly can't be too harsh in your criticism because basically they only had the modest ambition to make a very straightforward and rudimentary slasher picture to bring homage to all the trash released during the glorious 1980's. "Butchered" is a (barely) 70 minutes long series of ancient clichés, usual stereotypes and a whole lot of predictable situations. Somewhere in a quiet harbor town in North Carolina – of all places - there's a deranged axe-wielding serial killer on the lam. His name is Terence Skinner and he used to work in the butcher shop of his parents, but then went bonkers after his return from the Gulf war and massacred more than 40 people. Or at least that's what the journalist explains during the opening credits, which have some pretty cool musical guidance as well. In the nearby town, a handful of teenagers decide to spend one last weekend partying together before they head off for college. They go to a little island to camp and have random sex, but guess who they bump into there! All the potboiler elements that you except to see are well-presented: campfire stories, mobile phones without a signal, people stupidly splitting up to search missing friends and agonizing dialogs like "Oh my God, we're so going to die!!". "No, shut up, we're not going to die!". In good old 80's tradition, you can also immediately predict the order in which the teenagers are going to knocked off. Starting with the cute looking but redundant random girls, onwards to the sex-obsessed dumb friend and then quickly towards the loyal black guy and his girlfriend. The gore and the killings are disappointingly lame and monotonous. We're talking mainly about swinging and flying axes, but we aren't seeing the actual impact. Terence Skinner is a boring and unimaginative killer without any sort of charisma or "specialty". There's one sequence in which his silhouette stands motionless amidst the trees and covered in fog. I rather liked that sight because it promptly reminded me of "Madman" and that's a personal favorite (better call it "guilty pleasure") of mine. "Butchered" is available on a cheap disc together with three other masterpieces of amateur horror, so if you pick up a DVD like that at Walmart, you pretty much know what to expect.
