James Franco credited as playing...
Saul Silver
- Saul: Let's roll, man! I'm done with the woods! Let's go! C'mon, man, let's get the fuck outta here!
- Dale Denton: [sarcastically] Okay... Uhh let's go... No... It's not working... the battery's dead.
- Saul: Wait...! What do you mean, it's dead?
- Dale Denton: [laughing] What do I mean? I mean the battery's dead. The battery's dead!
- Saul: No, no! What do you mean, the battery's dead?
- Dale Denton: How can I explain this to you differently? The battery is dead. It ceased to live. It's deceased now. The car needs a battery to start, Saul.
- Saul: [frustrated sigh] How did this happen?
- Dale Denton: Well we clearly fell asleep with the battery on and-...
- Saul: Aw, man... Talk radio?
- Dale Denton: Yes, talk radio.
- Saul: So boring, man! The car just committed suicide.
- Saul: I wish I had a job like that. Where I could just sit around and smoke weed all day
- Dale Denton: Hey you do have that job. You do sit around and smoke weed all day.
- Saul: Hey you're right. Hey thanks man.
- Saul: [talking about Pineapple Express] It's almost a shame to smoke it. It's like killing a unicorn... with, like, a bomb.
- Saul: [re potency of Pineapple Express] This is like if that Blue Oyster shit met that Afghan Kush I had - and they had a baby. And then, meanwhile, that crazy Northern Light stuff I had and the Super Red Espresso Snowflake met and had a baby. And by some miracle, those two babies met and fucked - this would the shit that they birthed.
- Dale Denton: [smells the marijuana] Wow. This is the product of baby fucking.
- Saul: How about in the park, when I said you were my friend... you didn't say anything back.
- Dale Denton: Well, that's easy. It's because we're not friends. You are my drug dealer. The only reason I know you is because I like the drugs you sell. If you didn't sell drugs, I would have no idea who you are, and I wouldn't be here right now. I would be fantastic!
- Saul: Oh.
- Dale Denton: I'm sorry, that sounded really mean... just to hear that, that sounded really mean.
- Saul: No, I see. The monkey's out of the bottle now!
- Dale Denton: What? That's not even... a figure of speech.
- Saul: Pandora can't go back into the box - he only comes out.
- Dale Denton: [talking about his girlfriend] I go visit her in high school and all the guys she goes to school with are, like, strong and handsome and really, like, funny and do good impressions of Jeff Goldblum and shit like that. And, like, I just feel like a fat, dumb fuckin' stinky-ass turd when I'm there.
- Saul: What?
- Dale Denton: It sucks for my ego.
- Saul: Fuck Jeff Goldblum, man!
- Dale Denton: [while hiding in the woods, on the run from Ted's henchmen] Even if he found that roach, how could he find us?
- Saul: Um... heat-seeking missiles... bloodhounds... and foxes... barracudas...
- Dale Denton: I'm just - I'm kind of flabbergasted when you say things like that. It's weird.
- Saul: Thank you.
- Dale Denton: Not a compliment.
- Dale Denton: In case you haven't noticed - which you haven't, 'cause from what I can tell, you don't notice anything ever - we are not very functional when we're high.
- Saul: Well, I don't know, man. I think I'm functioning right now. I was, like, stoned when I saved you with those slushies. What do you gotta say to that?
- Dale Denton: Well, that would be true if you had saved me. But you didn't save me. She was gonna help us, but you made things worse. Now we're wanted for all sorts of crazy shit!
- Saul: Don't fucking get on my case, all right? Look, only reason I started selling pot is so I could put my bubbeh in a nice retirement home.
- Dale Denton: [sarcastically] Oh, yeah, she must be proud of you for that.
- Saul: She is really proud of me, and I'm gonna become something, man! As soon as she dies, I'm gonna become a civil engineer. I'm gonna design septic tanks for playgrounds. Little kids can take shits! You idiot, what the hell do you do?
- Saul: [Saul talking to Red on the phone] Well be careful, man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
- Dale Denton: What the fuck is this thing?
- Saul: Ah. Cross joint.
- Dale Denton: Yeah.
- Saul: You ever smoke one of those?
- Dale Denton: You can SMOKE this?
- Saul: Hell yeah, man!
- Dale Denton: No.
- Saul: This. Is. The future, this is like the apex of the vortex of joint engineering. It's rumored that M. M. O'Shaughnessy designed the first one - the guy who, uh, designed the Golden Gate Bridge. My second favorite civil engineer behind Hannskarl Bandel: Madison Square Garden... What you do is you light all three ends at the same time...
- Dale Denton: Really?
- Saul: - and then the smoke converges, creating a TRIFECTA of joint-smoking power. This is it, man. This is what your grandchildren are gonna be smoking. Future. That - future...
- Saul: [has unusual way of hitching a ride - some would say obscene] Hey, look: it's like my thumb is my cock.
- Dale Denton: That's not gonna get us a ride, man.
- Saul: What's up with the suit?
- Dale Denton: Oh, I'm a process server, so I have to wear a suit.
- Saul: Wow, you're a servant? Like a butler? A chauffeur?
- Dale Denton: No, no. What? No, I'm not like-...
- Saul: Shine shoes?
- Dale Denton: I'm a *process server*!
- Red: Do you know what today is?
- Saul: Tuesday.
- Red: This is my cat's birthday today.
- Dale Denton: I don't see a cat in here. I'm sorry. Did you let it out by accident?
- Red: No, because he died three months ago, okay? So now who's the funny guy?
- Dale Denton: I'm sorry?
- Red: Today is his birthday and it is a tradition that on his birthday I get up extra early and make him his favorite kind of dessert.
- Saul: Don't worry, bro. Your cat's going to heaven.
- Red: Yeah, maybe. Maybe he went to heaven. He was a little fucker. He could've gone to hell.