- Saul: Let's roll, man! I'm done with the woods! Let's go! C'mon, man, let's get the fuck outta here!
- Dale Denton: [sarcastically] Okay... Uhh let's go... No... It's not working... the battery's dead.
- Saul: Wait...! What do you mean, it's dead?
- Dale Denton: [laughing] What do I mean? I mean the battery's dead. The battery's dead!
- Saul: No, no! What do you mean, the battery's dead?
- Dale Denton: How can I explain this to you differently? The battery is dead. It ceased to live. It's deceased now. The car needs a battery to start, Saul.
- Saul: [frustrated sigh] How did this happen?
- Dale Denton: Well we clearly fell asleep with the battery on and-...
- Saul: Aw, man... Talk radio?
- Dale Denton: Yes, talk radio.
- Saul: So boring, man! The car just committed suicide.
- Saul: I wish I had a job like that. Where I could just sit around and smoke weed all day
- Dale Denton: Hey you do have that job. You do sit around and smoke weed all day.
- Saul: Hey you're right. Hey thanks man.
- Red: Why don't you follow his lead and just chill out, man?
- Dale Denton: I'm chill. I'm chill as a cucumber, man.
- Red: You don't seem chill.
- Dale Denton: I'm more chill than you.
- Red: You're more chill than me?
- Dale Denton: Yeah.
- Red: Look what I'm wearing. Kimono, dog. What're you wearing?
- Dale Denton: A suit.
- Red: Yeah, exactly. I don't know what's up with you, but I don't know if I like you.
- Dale Denton: Well, I don't know if I like you either, man.
- Red: Well, that's your loss 'cause I'm a great friend.
- Scientist: Private Miller, you've been smoking item nine for seven minutes and thirteen seconds. We're going to ask you several questions. How do you feel?
- Private Miller: Ah, well, sir, I feel like a, like a slice of butter... melting on top of a big-ol' pile of flapjacks... yeah.
- Saul: [talking about Pineapple Express] It's almost a shame to smoke it. It's like killing a unicorn... with, like, a bomb.
- Saul: [re potency of Pineapple Express] This is like if that Blue Oyster shit met that Afghan Kush I had - and they had a baby. And then, meanwhile, that crazy Northern Light stuff I had and the Super Red Espresso Snowflake met and had a baby. And by some miracle, those two babies met and fucked - this would the shit that they birthed.
- Dale Denton: [smells the marijuana] Wow. This is the product of baby fucking.
- Saul: How about in the park, when I said you were my friend... you didn't say anything back.
- Dale Denton: Well, that's easy. It's because we're not friends. You are my drug dealer. The only reason I know you is because I like the drugs you sell. If you didn't sell drugs, I would have no idea who you are, and I wouldn't be here right now. I would be fantastic!
- Saul: Oh.
- Dale Denton: I'm sorry, that sounded really mean... just to hear that, that sounded really mean.
- Saul: No, I see. The monkey's out of the bottle now!
- Dale Denton: What? That's not even... a figure of speech.
- Saul: Pandora can't go back into the box - he only comes out.
- Red: I'm trying to decide how stoned I am and just how on the verge of death am I right now. Like, am I seeing shit because I'm stone or because I have no blood left in my body.
- Dale Denton: Well, you've been shot like seven times.
- Red: Man, I'm just into Buddhism, and I'm at peace with the fact that me, as this person, probably gonna not be around. Think about a hermit crab, okay? And it's a shell. It's like, they go from one shell to the next. And that's what I am. I'm just a hermit crab changin' shells.
- Dale Denton: Except if you're a dick your whole life, your next shell will be made of shit, okay? If you're an asshole, you're gonna come back as a cockroach or a worm or a fuckin' anal bead, okay? If you're a man and you act heroic, you'll come back as an eagle. You'll come back as a dragon. You'll come back as Jude Law, okay? Which would you rather be?
- Red: Maybe the anal bead, depending on who it belongs to.
- Dale Denton: Belongs to me.
- Red: Then the dragon.
- Dale Denton: [talking about his girlfriend] I go visit her in high school and all the guys she goes to school with are, like, strong and handsome and really, like, funny and do good impressions of Jeff Goldblum and shit like that. And, like, I just feel like a fat, dumb fuckin' stinky-ass turd when I'm there.
- Saul: What?
- Dale Denton: It sucks for my ego.
- Saul: Fuck Jeff Goldblum, man!
- Dale Denton: [while hiding in the woods, on the run from Ted's henchmen] Even if he found that roach, how could he find us?
- Saul: Um... heat-seeking missiles... bloodhounds... and foxes... barracudas...
- Dale Denton: I'm just - I'm kind of flabbergasted when you say things like that. It's weird.
- Saul: Thank you.
- Dale Denton: Not a compliment.
- Dale Denton: In case you haven't noticed - which you haven't, 'cause from what I can tell, you don't notice anything ever - we are not very functional when we're high.
- Saul: Well, I don't know, man. I think I'm functioning right now. I was, like, stoned when I saved you with those slushies. What do you gotta say to that?
- Dale Denton: Well, that would be true if you had saved me. But you didn't save me. She was gonna help us, but you made things worse. Now we're wanted for all sorts of crazy shit!
- Saul: Don't fucking get on my case, all right? Look, only reason I started selling pot is so I could put my bubbeh in a nice retirement home.
- Dale Denton: [sarcastically] Oh, yeah, she must be proud of you for that.
- Saul: She is really proud of me, and I'm gonna become something, man! As soon as she dies, I'm gonna become a civil engineer. I'm gonna design septic tanks for playgrounds. Little kids can take shits! You idiot, what the hell do you do?
- Angie Anderson: Fuck you, Dale. I lost my virginity when I was fourteen, okay? How many women have you even slept with?
- Dale Denton: Like two and a half.
- Angie Anderson: Two and a half? What is a half, your hand? That doesn't count!
- Saul: [Saul talking to Red on the phone] Well be careful, man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
- Dale Denton: What the fuck is this thing?
- Saul: Ah. Cross joint.
- Dale Denton: Yeah.
- Saul: You ever smoke one of those?
- Dale Denton: You can SMOKE this?
- Saul: Hell yeah, man!
- Dale Denton: No.
- Saul: This. Is. The future, this is like the apex of the vortex of joint engineering. It's rumored that M. M. O'Shaughnessy designed the first one - the guy who, uh, designed the Golden Gate Bridge. My second favorite civil engineer behind Hannskarl Bandel: Madison Square Garden... What you do is you light all three ends at the same time...
- Dale Denton: Really?
- Saul: - and then the smoke converges, creating a TRIFECTA of joint-smoking power. This is it, man. This is what your grandchildren are gonna be smoking. Future. That - future...
- Saul: [has unusual way of hitching a ride - some would say obscene] Hey, look: it's like my thumb is my cock.
- Dale Denton: That's not gonna get us a ride, man.
- Saul: What's up with the suit?
- Dale Denton: Oh, I'm a process server, so I have to wear a suit.
- Saul: Wow, you're a servant? Like a butler? A chauffeur?
- Dale Denton: No, no. What? No, I'm not like-...
- Saul: Shine shoes?
- Dale Denton: I'm a *process server*!
- Red: Do you know what today is?
- Saul: Tuesday.
- Red: This is my cat's birthday today.
- Dale Denton: I don't see a cat in here. I'm sorry. Did you let it out by accident?
- Red: No, because he died three months ago, okay? So now who's the funny guy?
- Dale Denton: I'm sorry?
- Red: Today is his birthday and it is a tradition that on his birthday I get up extra early and make him his favorite kind of dessert.
- Saul: Don't worry, bro. Your cat's going to heaven.
- Red: Yeah, maybe. Maybe he went to heaven. He was a little fucker. He could've gone to hell.
- Red: You don't think I can handle danger?
- Dale Denton: What are you talking about?
- Saul: You can.
- Red: I totally can. And for you to come into my house and not tell secrets because you think you're saving me, well, in reality it just makes you look like a dumbass, cause look at this.
- [He shows them his shaved armpits]
- Red: You see this? You see that? There's no hair under here, bro.
- Dale Denton: What's the significance of that?
- Red: It makes me aerodynamic when I fight. I can take danger.
- Matheson: Red, this is your last chance. You gonna give us something we can use?
- Red: Matheson, you gotta be kidding me, man. What more do you want? I told you the guy's name was Dale Denton. He's obviously working with Saul. They came in here, they busted my house to shit, they kicked the hell out of me, and then duct-taped me to my grandfather's wheelchair. What more do you want me to tell you? Want me to read your horoscope?
- Matheson: You hear that, Ted?
- Ted Jones: [on the phone] Okay, ask if either of them were Asian.
- Matheson: What skin color were they?
- Red: They were white people. Denton might've been a Jew. I don't know. I don't judge people based on things like that. Obviously, we're friends.
- Matheson: Ted, you hear him?
- Ted Jones: Dale Denton. Not Asian. All right, kill Red.
- Red: Man, listen, I would just appreciate it if both of y'all would take your shoes off. This is brand-new carpet. You're tracking mud in here. Matheson, you got British Knights on. I ain't seen anybody wear them since 1987-...
- [Matheson shoots Red]
- Robert: You assholes do exactly as I say, or I will take you outside and fuck you in the street!
- Dale Denton: No! Don't fuck us anywhere!
- Saul: Just sit back and get ready to enjoy some of the rarest weed known to mankind.
- [he lights a joint and inhales]
- Dale Denton: It's really that rare?
- Saul: [exhales] It's, like, the rarest.
- [he examines the joint]
- Saul: It's almost a shame to smoke it. It's like killing a unicorn... with, like, a bomb.
- Saul: You lied to me.
- Red: I did. I lied big time to you.
- Saul: Dale said that that you didn't even have herpes, and I said that you did.
- Red: Honestly, like, from now on, just, like, from everything that we've gone through, from, like, seeing this fuckin' asshole's nuts smashed with my Daewoo, I want to be a better friend to you. I really do.
- Saul: I fuckin' love you, dog. I fuckin' love you.
- Red: I wanna be inside you, homes.
- Saul: No more lies, Red.
- Red: This is my moment.
- Saul: This is your moment.
- [Carol shoots Red]
- Clark: Dude, I wanted to tell you. You were hilarious today in Drama Class.
- Angie Anderson: Seriously, your Jeff Goldblum impression made me piss my pants.
- Clark: Oh, I wish.
- Saul: Man, why'd we have to go to the woods?
- Dale Denton: Well you didn't come up with any ideas!
- Saul: Yeah, I came up with two! Nowhere and Quizno's.
- Dale Denton: Hey, man, what happened to your lip?
- Saul: Yeah... it looks like you've been crying or something...
- Red: Um, actually, my lip, that's a cold sore. And I've never had a cold sore before, so I cried.
- Saul: Dude, a cold sore? Does that mean like... herpes?
- Red: Yes, that's what it means. I have herpes.
- Saul: Herpes... Whoa, do you know how many, like, joints we've shared?
- Red: Yes, I know, I'm a disgusting person.
- Mr. Edwards: Clark's a great guy, man. He's totally gonna take care of Angie, man. He's great; he's a wonderful lab partner, so... It's gonna be cool, he'll keep one eye on her.
- Dale Denton: Why don't you go fuck yourself, you weird little prick?
- Mr. Edwards: I'm a teacher, okay? You can't talk to me like that, guy.
- Dale Denton: I'm not a student, so I can say whatever the fuck I want, you chimp-fucking little bastard.
- Red: [Red regains consciousness after shortly passing out from his wounds] I'm like the nerd at the sleepover who fell asleep at nine.
- Dale Denton: It's okay. We won't put our dicks in your mouth.
- Dale Denton: You killed my ear!
- Matheson: You shot me!
- Dale Denton: I didn't do that!
- Matheson: HE shot me!
- Dale Denton: You shot him?
- Saul: nods his head
- Matheson: Get your hands off me!
- Saul: Shut up! we've had enough of you!
- Matheson: I'm not your friend!
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