Nicholas D'Agosto: Shawn Colfax

Fired Up!

Shawn Colfax

Jennifer: Hey, Nick!
Nick Brady: [aside to Shawn] Name, name, I need a name.
Shawn Colfax: Jennifer.
Nick Brady: Jennifer! Hi, how are ya?
Jennifer: I'm great, really great. Are you going to the bonfire tonight?
Nick Brady: You know it! I was just saying to my boy Shawn here, I can not wait to go to the bonfire tonight so I can hang out with...
Shawn Colfax: [whispers] Jennifer.
Nick Brady: [sings] Jennifer.
Jennifer: I'll see you tonight.
[leaves]
Nick Brady: Okay, Jennifer.
Shawn Colfax: It's not that hard a name to remember.
Nick Brady: C'mon, I went out with her last semester. After thirty days the name gets erased from my brain to make room for new ones. There's like three thousand kids at this school!
Shawn Colfax: So why can't you just remember more names?
Nick Brady: I don't know how it works, bro, talk to tech-support.

Dr. Rick: You're dumping me for him?
Carly: No, I'm dumping you, period. And then I'm gonna be with him. Period. If... that's okay with him, question mark.
Shawn Colfax: Totally. Exclamation point.
Dr. Rick: Oh puke. Parenthesis, bold, underline.
[pleadingly]
Dr. Rick: Carly Horse. Carly Junior's, baby. Larry, Mo, and Carly. Carly and the Chocolate Factor, sugar. Carlsbad, Carlyfornia.

Poppy: Tell ya what. I'll teach you some basic cheerleader moves. Hi v's. Low v's. Touchdown. Baskets.
Nick Brady: Whoa whoa whoa. Don't the guys just throw the girls up and catch 'em?
Poppy: Pretty much, eh. But I'll let you practice on me and tell you what they're called. In exchange... I get Shawn's room.
Shawn Colfax: [simultaneously] No.
Nick Brady: Done!
Poppy: Those are my terms. Take them or get out.
Shawn Colfax: [simultaneously] We'll get out!
Nick Brady: We'll take 'em!
Shawn Colfax: Dude! I've got my own bathroom.
Nick Brady: Dude, after cheer camp you won't even need your own bathroom.
Shawn Colfax: What? What does that even mean?

Nick Brady: What makes this girl so great, bro?
Shawn Colfax: I don't know, there's just something about her. You know, when she bumped into me on the bus. Or, uh, when I saw her reading that book. She orders pudding for dessert.
Nick Brady: OK, now you're just listing things that people do.
Shawn Colfax: No I'm not!... Sometimes she writes with a pencil.

Nick Brady: [Nick and Shawn are cooking and watching TV in the kitchen] Oh, look at that hottie, I wonder what she wants to do with her life?
Shawn Colfax: What?
Nick Brady: You know how Bianca wants to go to cooking school and Silvi wants to be a pilot... and... Oh, my God, I actually know these girls, as like friends, and I care? I'm becoming a fully formed person with like sensitivity and empathy!
[laughs]
Nick Brady: Alright, I'm a person!
[looks at the woman in a bathing suit on TV]
Nick Brady: Oww, look at the pooper on that one! I could rest my beer on that shit.
Shawn Colfax: And you're back. What kind of dressing goes on Greek salad?
Nick Brady: Olive oil, top shelf.

Ms. Klingerhoff: Don't judge a book by its cover, Carly. You never really know what a book is about 'til you get to... page 50!
Nick Brady: 50? I wouldn't have guessed a page over 40.
Shawn Colfax: More like 35.

Brewster: I'm Brewster.
[whispers]
Brewster: Not my real name. My parents named me Jack. "Jack" - so strong, so masculine. We get it! You wanted a boy!
[throws up fists]
Brewster: Ma name's Jack! I punch bad guys and I kiss girls.
[reverts back to normal tone]
Brewster: Save it.
Shawn Colfax: OK.

Carly: I know at the beginning I might've been a little against you two joining the squad.
Shawn Colfax: I believe you called us 'godless douche-monsters.'
Carly: Actually, it was 'soulless beav-wranglers.'

Nick Brady: How'd you two crazy kids meet, Rick?
Dr. Rick: It's a funny story actually. Our parents knew each other from way back... and they introduced us.
Shawn Colfax: Whoo. Not that funny a story. Not even a story really, just like a fact.

Nick Brady: Mopey, I'm talking to you. You've been sitting out here staring into space for like two hours.
Shawn Colfax: [checks watch] It's been five minutes.
Nick Brady: Really? That was five minutes? Wow, I guess I really do suck in bed.

Nick Brady: [about cheer camp] Tell you what, man, that'd be the place to be.
Shawn Colfax: Instead of sweating our balls off in the desert with Coach Shit-Shit.
Nick Brady: ... So let's go?
Shawn Colfax: What?
Nick Brady: Let's go to cheer camp, lets be cheerleaders!
Shawn Colfax: Cheerleaders? Oh, my God, are you coming out to me? I am so proud of you, man! And you know what, on some level I kinda always knew.
Nick Brady: Would you shut up? I'm too straight to be gay. I could suck knob and still be straight. I could have one in my mouth and two in each hand and still win a straight award.
Shawn Colfax: [grossed out] Alright...

Nick Brady: Let's bet how many times he says 'shit.' I say seven.
Shawn Colfax: No way. Ten.
Nick Brady, Shawn Colfax: Hey coach!
Coach Byrnes: You shitheads think you're the shit? That you don't need to pay attention out there? I'll kick the shit outta ya! You pumped for football camp?
Shawn Colfax: Eh, I guess so.
Nick Brady: Yeah, two weeks without girls. Who wouldn't be pumped?
Coach Byrnes: Don't mess with me shitdick! I'm gonna push ya like you've never been pushed before. Your muscles will ache, your head will throb. You're gonna shit blood out of holes you never knew you had.
Nick Brady: Well at least we're gonna be in Daytona Beach.
Coach Byrnes: No no. They changed it up this year. Camp's gonna be in El Paso, Texas. Hotter than your shithole. We're gonna get you shits conditioned! Bus leaves Monday at o' shithundred hours.
Nick Brady: Which is...?
Coach Byrnes: 4:45 am.
Nick Brady: Of course.
Shawn Colfax: Unusual.
Nick Brady: Mmhm.
Coach Byrnes: Skip your morning shit and get down there.
Nick Brady: Ten 'shits'. You win. How do you always KNOW?
Shawn Colfax: It's a gift. I'm not proud of it.

Shawn Colfax: Hiya sis!
Poppy: Why am I looking at you? Speak!
Nick Brady: [patronizing] Poppy, you're getting so big now! How old are you?
Poppy: I'm 60. Can we get past the small talk? The only time you and my brother come to see me is when you need something. What? Tug mags? Mike's Hard Lemonade?
[looking at Nick]
Poppy: Another ride to the clinic?
Nick Brady: [appalled whisper] Poppy!

Dr. Rick: I'll be watching you.
Shawn Colfax: Yeah. That's exactly what an audience member does at a performance-based event.
Carly: [to Rick] Just go sit down.
Dr. Rick: [makes 'my eyes are on you' gesture] Robert DeNiro, Meet the Parents reference. LOVE IT.
Nick Brady: [as Rick walks away] God he seems great.
Shawn Colfax: Really nice!
Nick Brady: Mm, I like him.

Nick Brady: Remember when I pretended to be really into Nickelback for that senior chick?
Shawn Colfax: God they suck.
Nick Brady: So did she.
[holds up hand for high five]
Nick Brady: Up top!
Shawn Colfax: Dude. I am not gonna high five you for a BJer you got a year ago.
Nick Brady: [high fives self]
Shawn Colfax: Doesn't count.
Nick Brady: [grabs Shawn's hand and high fives his own hand]
Shawn Colfax: NO!