This Is the End (2013)

Jay Baruchel: Jay Baruchel

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Quotes 

• James Franco : Your mama's pussy was the canvas. Your dad's dick was the paintbrush. Boom. You're the art.

  Jay Baruchel : Thanks, James Franco.

• Jay Baruchel : I say unto the... the power of Christ compels you!

  Possessed Jonah Hill : Oh, does it? Does it compel me?

  Jay Baruchel : The power of Christ compels you!

  Possessed Jonah Hill : Does it, Jay?

  Jay Baruchel : The power of Christ compels you!

  Possessed Jonah Hill : Is the power of Christ compelling me? Is that what's happening?

  Jay Baruchel : The power of Christ compels you!

  Possessed Jonah Hill : Guess what? It's not that compelling.

• Jay Baruchel : Guys, listen listen. I think we need to address the elephant in the room

  Seth Rogen : Whoa, Jay, don't talk about Craig like that.

  Craig Robinson : That's fucked up. I'm right here man.

  Jay Baruchel : I'm not calling Craig an elephant.

  James Franco : That's racist.

• James Franco : We're actors! We bring joy to people's lives!

  Jay Baruchel : Yeah but we don't do it for free. We get paid handsomely much higher than the average professional.

• Jay Baruchel : I don't wanna die at James Franco's house.

• Jay Baruchel : Can we please go to fucking Carl's Jr.?

  Seth Rogen : Uh, I would love to, but I'm on a... I can't really eat that stuff right now. I'm on a... I'm on this cleanse.

  Jay Baruchel : You're on a what?

  Seth Rogen : I'm on a cleanse.

  Jay Baruchel : [laughs]  What?

  Seth Rogen : It's good for you. You're supposed to take six shits a day.

  Jay Baruchel : That's not true, you're supposed to shit twice a day.

  Seth Rogen : No. That's not true. That's what they used to think, now they know you're supposed to shit six times a day.

  Jay Baruchel : So you're not drinking, you're not smoking weed?

  Seth Rogen : Oh, no. I'm drinking, I'm smoking weed. I'm on a cleanse, I'm not psychotic.

• Jonah Hill : So what have you guys been doing?

  Seth Rogen : Oh we just hung out all day.

  Jay Baruchel : Ate a bunch of dirty burgers, smoked about a fucking pound of weed, and played a bunch of video games.

  Jonah Hill : Weed is tight, weed is tight. That's awesome.

  Jay Baruchel : It's like the golfing sequence in Navy Seals.

  Jonah Hill : Sick reference though bro.

  Jay Baruchel : Oh thanks bud.

  Jonah Hill : Dude, your references are out of control, everyone knows that.

• Jonah Hill : Um, can I have that Milky Way?

  James Franco : No, you can't have the Milky Way. That's my Milky Way. I went out this morning and specifically bought this Milky Way to eat after my party.

  Jay Baruchel : That's weird.

  James Franco : It's not weird, it's my special food, I like it. Back me up on that, Seth.

  Seth Rogen : I don't think you should get the whole Milky Way. I want some of the Milky Way.

  Craig Robinson : I'd be pretty bummed if I don't at least get a bite of the Milky Way.

  James Franco : Oh, now Craig wants a bite of the Milky Way.

  Craig Robinson : Yeah, I want a bite of the Milky Way! It's a fucking Milky Way.

  Jay Baruchel : A fifth of everything is what's fair and reasonable.

  Seth Rogen : Everyone gets a fifth of everything.

  James Franco : [to Craig]  I want one fifth of your t-shirt!

• Jay Baruchel : We could build a life here together, Craig. I'd be really good to you.

• Seth Rogen : Just answer me one question: Is Michael Cera's butthole as adorable as I pictured?

  Jay Baruchel : Oh for fucks sake...

  Seth Rogen : I picture it looking like a little donut. A little pink sprinkled donut.

• Seth Rogen : Let's do all the drugs!

  Jay Baruchel : I don't really want to.

  [starts to drink water] 

  Seth Rogen : You should of thought of that before you drank a can full of Ecstasy.

  Jay Baruchel : [spits water out]  What?

• [an armored RV crashes into James Franco's Toyota Prius, slightly injuring Franco, Seth Rogen, and Jay Baruchel. A bunch of cannibals from the RV pulls all three of them out from the totaled car and starts to attack them] 

  Santa Cannibal : [yells]  Yo, cut his fuckin' head off!

  [chainsaw revs up; James, Seth, and Jay screams] 

  Danny McBride : [on loudspeaker]  STOP!

  [Danny McBride, leader of the cannibals, steps out of his RV with a marijuana joint in one hand and a dog's leash in the other] 

  Jay Baruchel : Danny?

  Danny McBride : [shocked]  What the fuck? You guys are still alive?

  Seth Rogen : Yeah!

  Danny McBride : Holy shit, I didn't expect that.

  [tugging on the leash, a gimp, who reveals to be Channing Tatum, jumps out from the RV] 

  Danny McBride : Get...

  [Danny pulls Channing over to him] 

  Jay Baruchel : Oh, Jesus.

  Danny McBride : Shit, I can't believe you guys are here. That's fucking crazy, and your timing couldn't be more perfect. It's been a long time since any of us have eaten, and you three gentlemen look delicious.

  Jay Baruchel : [confused]  What does that have to do with us?

  James Franco : What the fuck are you talking about?

  Danny McBride : [chuckles]  I'm a cannibal, hombre. We're gonna fuckin' eat your ass.

  Seth Rogen : Fuck you, you can't eat us. Fuck that, man!

  Danny McBride : I do whatever the fuck I want, whenever I want. I butt-fucked this dude.

  [Channing drops down doggy-style] 

  Danny McBride : See that? I fuckin' slide right in that shit. I do whatever I want. This is my gimp. Channing, introduce yourself.

  Channing Tatum : [takes his mask off]  Hey, what's up, guys? Y'all cool?

  James Franco : That's Channing Tatum.

  Seth Rogen : That's Channing Tatum, dude. What the fuck?

  Danny McBride : Channing fucking Tatum. I found him wandering on the freeway. I collected him, made him my bitch

  [Channing rubs Danny's crotch, but Danny shoves his hand away] 

  Danny McBride : Get off my dick. I call him Channing "Tate-yum".

  James Franco : Hardcore, man.

• David Krumholtz : Jay! I can't hold on much longer. You have to reach out and grab me, you hear?

  Jay Baruchel : Okay, uh, you take my hand and I'll swing you up!

  David Krumholtz : You sure? I'm going to give you my whole weight.

  Jay Baruchel : I'm gonna reach for you alright?

  David Krumholtz : Are you sure you can do it?

  Jay Baruchel : I can grab you. On three. One, two, three!

  [They grab hands] 

  David Krumholtz : I'm gonna swing across!

  Jay Baruchel : I got you buddy.

  David Krumholtz : You're going to hold my weight, all of it.

  Jay Baruchel : Okay! Come on!

  David Krumholtz : You can hold on to my full weight?

  Jay Baruchel : I can do it!

  David Krumholtz : I don't want to die.

  Jay Baruchel : One, two, three!

  [Jay lets go and David falls to his death] 

• Seth Rogen : Jesus fucking Christ.

  Craig Robinson : You might wanna stay away from saying that.

  Seth Rogen : Jesus fucking Christ? Why? Why can't I say that?

  Craig Robinson : One of the ten commandments. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain.

  Seth Rogen : Jesus isn't the name of the Lord. God is the name of the Lord.

  Craig Robinson : Jesus and God is all the same.

  Jay Baruchel : It's a trinity.

  Craig Robinson : The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost.

  James Franco : It's like Neapolitan ice cream.

• [after James taunts Danny, the rapture beams disappears; James falls back down on the ground to the evil amazement of the cannibals and the disappointment of Seth and Jay] 

  Seth Rogen : Oh, shit.

  Jay Baruchel : Shit!

  James Franco : [horrified]  What happened? What did I do? Take me back! What did I DO?

  Danny McBride : I'll tell you what happened, Franco. You don't get to get sucked up into Heaven 'cause you were being petty. Tom Petty.

  [the cannibals gang up on the now-doomed James] 

  Danny McBride : You may not have invited me to your party, but you're the guest of honor at mine.

  James Franco : [last word]  What?

  [Danny takes a huge bite into James' nose, with Channing joining in; James screams in horrible pain as Seth and Jay can do nothing but watch in sheer horror and disgust] 

  Danny McBride : [screaming; a crazed Danny holds up James' ripped-off nose]  HOW FUCKING CRAZY IS THIS?

  [Danny shrieks as the cannibals gang up and fatally eat James up to his death] 

  Danny McBride : Seth! JAY!

  [Three cannibals give chase to Set and Jay, presumably to finish the job and keep them completely fed] 

  Jay Baruchel : Oh, shit, they're running after us!

  Seth Rogen : Oh, shit. Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Run!

  Danny McBride : BRING THEM TO ME!

• Danny McBride : Franco, you're just a pretentious fucking nerd.

  James Franco : Fuck you!

  Danny McBride : And Jonah... you fucking cunt. Craig... you didn't have my back back there. You fucking disappoint me.

  Craig Robinson : Bro...

  Danny McBride : And Seth... you duplicitous taint.

  Seth Rogen : What?

  Danny McBride : And of course there's Jay... the self-righteous, cocksucking, two-faced backstabber.

  Jay Baruchel : What the fuck are you talking about?

• [the guys are debating whether or not to let a stranger into the house] 

  James Franco : [whispering]  I know it sounds really weird, but... I don't think we should let him in.

  Jay Baruchel : Why not?

  Headless Man : Yeah, why not? I can hear you, by the way.

  James Franco : I'm sorry, we just don't know you, man. You could be, like, a looter or a, a rapist or a tittyfucker, like...

  [Seth grabs his chest protectively] 

  James Franco : ... I'm sorry. Look, guys, we just boarded up this whole house to keep everyone out, and the first guy who comes to the door, we're gonna let him in? I mean, how do we know we can trust this guy?

  Headless Man : I want to live! Things have gone crazy out here!

  Danny McBride : "Agagaga-fuckin'-crazy-out-here!" This guy fuckin' sucks.

  James Franco : What if he's the rapist?

  Jonah Hill : Man, even if he is a rapist, he can't rape all of us.

  Headless Man : [panicking]  Yeah, no, I'm not a rapist!

  Seth Rogen : You gonna tittyfuck us?

  Headless Man : [almost in tears]  If you want me to tittyfuck you, I will, so good, oh, you'll love it!

  Jay Baruchel : Seth, back me up, please, we can't just leave him out there to die, are you crazy?

  James Franco : [to Seth]  What do you wanna do? I'll do whatever you wanna do.

  Seth Rogen : Uh, let's vote on it!

  Headless Man : Yeah, I fuckin' vote you let me in!

  Danny McBride : Here's my vote: fuck all of you, I'm letting him in. This is boring.

  [the guys all shout and rush to stop him; something growls outside] 

  Headless Man : There's something out here!

  [the thing outside suddenly chops the man's head off, and the severed head bounces into the room, coming to a stop at Danny's feet] 

  Danny McBride : [in shock]  This is real! This is fucking real!

  [he kicks the head at James, who kicks it away from him immediately. The guys all start screaming and kicking the head around the room to get away from it] 

  Jonah Hill : You guys! This man was alive a few seconds ago, we can't play soccer with his head!

  James Franco : Pick it up, Jonah.

  [Jonah picks up the head and immediately drops it again as blood gushes out of it] 

  Danny McBride : What the fuck is going on?

  Jonah Hill : He blinked at me! He blinked at me!

  James Franco : Put it over there!

  [quivering in fear, Craig throws a blanket over the head] 

• Seth Rogen : Jay, are you serious right now? That's your fucking plan? You're gonna repeat lines from the exorcist?

  Jay Baruchel : I would assume they did their fucking research.

  Seth Rogen : It's a movie!

  Jay Baruchel : It's a manual. It's a fucking training manual.

• Jay Baruchel : [about to exorcise Jonah Hill]  Jonah Hill.

  Possessed Jonah Hill : Jonah Hill is no more.

  Jay Baruchel : Demon!

  Possessed Jonah Hill : Yes!

  Seth Rogen : Fuck. That's not good.

• Emma Watson : Look at him, he's like a hipster. Right?

  Jay Baruchel : No. No, I'm not a hipster. At all.

  Craig Robinson : Yeah, you do seem to hate a lot of things and the bottom of your pants are awful tight.

  Jay Baruchel : No, I just... I don't like Los Angeles. That's it. It doesn't make me a hipster.

  Craig Robinson : I bet you hate movies that are universally loved.

  Jay Baruchel : I don't even...

  Craig Robinson : You like Forrest Gump?

  Jay Baruchel : No, no, it's a horrendous piece of shit...

  Emma Watson : Life is like a box of chocolates? No?

  Jay Baruchel : No, I'm familiar with it.

  Craig Robinson : You never know what you're gonna get.

• Jay Baruchel : There were people and they were there and they got... sucked up into the sky.

  James Franco : Sucked up into the sky. Nobody got sucked up in here.

  Michael Cera : I got sucked off here.

• Jay Baruchel : [after encountering Satan]  Oh, you've got to be fucking SHITTING me!

• Danny McBride : And then there's Jay: the self-righteous, cock-sucking, two-faced backstabber...

  Jay Baruchel : [flabbergasted]  What the fuck are you talking about?

  Danny McBride : I overheard your little conversation with Craig, alright? The only reason why you "care" about any of us is because you think that's what God wants you to do. You don't give a shit about us.

  Jay Baruchel : No, no, no, no, that's fucking twisting that shit around. You're fucking lying!

  Danny McBride : Am I twisting *this*?

  [pause] 

  Danny McBride : I believe you were in Los Angeles... TWO MONTHS AGO at the Four Seasons. I saw you there and you specifically asked me... NOT to tell Seth so that you could maintain the illusion that you *always* stay with Seth when you're in Los Angeles!

  Craig Robinson : Oooooooooooooooooooh Jay...

  Seth Rogen : What the fuck, man...

  Danny McBride : Textbook twattage.