Mike Horner credited as playing...
Mr. Sperm
- Dr. Sperm: The men from the planet Horny must have their prostate examined monthly due to the long periods of time in which we must go between sexual gratifications.
- Nurse Chapstick: I think it's romantic that the men from Horny save themselves for the right woman.
- [sigh]
- Dr. Sperm: It takes a great deal of discipline, Nurse. You see there's a tendency for our sperm to... back up. So every month I must go to Dr. McJoy and have him massage and excrete excess sperm from my glands...
- Bones McJoy: Sperm, you pointed-earred green sperm freak! We're eight minutes into this video and we don't even have a sex scene yet. I've got a naked babe on my table with her feet in the stirrups, and you're talking about me massaging your prostate gland. You know, you're killing me!
- Capt. James T. Quirk: Mr. Sperm, Mayor Headcheese said something about *evil* being among us, could it be that John T. Bone is directing this episode?
- Dr. Sperm: No, Captain, but my long distance, deep space sensors do indicate that Deep Space Station 69 has been exploded into a ball of fire, rather like my anus was that time you treated me to Mexican food.
- Capt. James T. Quirk: How, Sperm, how? How could it have happened?
- Dr. Sperm: I think that spicy Latino food does not agree with my half-Horny system.
- Capt. James T. Quirk: No, Sperm, I'm talking about the space station.
- Charly: It wasn't built very well. Just like your ship, cheap paint, thin plywood, used nails. You guys don't get much of a budget for these things, do you?
- Capt. James T. Quirk: Mr. Sperm, she knows something we don't know.
- Dr. Sperm: Perhaps she's read ahead in the script, Captain.
- Crewman Bubbles: Alright, it's true. I had sex in the transporter, but how did you know?
- Dr. Sperm: The transporter beam was set on both long-range as well as short-range, which means that you and the captain managed to materialize on the bridge as well as every room on this ship.
- Bones McJoy: As well as every dirty movie channel available on satellite TV. We all witnessed your carnal act, Crewman.
- Crewman Bubbles: Oh. Well how was it?
- Bones McJoy: I'm a doctor, dammit, not a porn critic.
- Dr. Sperm: [examining Quirk in sickbay] It appears that the entity has left his body, Doctor. Fascinating. He no longer has breasts and... and his penis appears to be returning.
- Bones McJoy: And making as much forward progress as a commuter on the 101 freeway during rush hour. I need a stimulant. Nurse, get me those blue pills that I've been keeping for emergencies.
- Dr. Sperm: Blue pills, Doctor? Emergencies?
- Bones McJoy: Spermy, we've been doing these Sex Trek parodies for the last fifteen years. Considering the average age of every male cast member, I'd say this is an emergency.
- [last lines]
- Bones McJoy: But Jim, how did you know the entity would flee the computers by trying to solve the equation of Pi?
- Capt. James T. Quirk: Because the entity was a woman, Boner.
- Dr. Sperm: Yes, Captain, and as a woman she knew how to bake a pie, but not how to solve it.
- [everybody laughs]