Jim Parsons: Sheldon Cooper

The White Asparagus Triangulation

Sheldon Cooper

Sheldon: [Knock, knock, knock] Penny.
[Knock, knock, knock]
Sheldon: Penny...
Penny: What?
Sheldon: [Knock, knock, knock] Penny. Zucchini bread.
Penny: Ooh. Thank you!
Sheldon: May I come in?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Y - I see. Apparently, my earlier inquiry regarding you and Leonard crossed some sort of line. I apologize.
Penny: Aw, thank you.
Sheldon: So have you and I returned to a social equilibrium?
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon: Great. New Topic. Where are you in your menstrual cycle?
Penny: What?
Sheldon: I've been doing some research online and apparently, female primates - you know, apes, chimpanzees, YOU - they find their mate more desirable when he's being courted by another female. Now, this effect is intensified when the rival female, is secreting the pheromones associated with ovulation. Which brings me back to my question; where are you...
Sheldon: [Penny slams door on his face] Clearly I'm 14 days too early.

Penny: OK, all right, you know what... I'll tell you what happened.
[sighs heavily]
Penny: We were young; we were very much in love. but we could only communicate through a time-traveling mailbox at my lake house.
Sheldon Cooper: It's not enough that you made me watch that movie, but now you mock me with it?

Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, Leonard, Leonard
[whilst knocking]
Leonard Hofstadter: What, Sheldon? What, Sheldon? What, Sheldon?
Sheldon Cooper: Tell me what you see here?
[showing Leonard the laptop]
Leonard Hofstadter: The blunt instrument that will be the focus of my murder trial?

Sheldon: I'm sorry I'm late, but your companion left the most indecipherable invitation.
Leonard: What invitation?
Sheldon: [reads note] "We're going to the movies." What movie? What theater? What time? If you were trying to make it impossible to locate you, you couldn't have done a better job.
Leonard: Oh clearly, I could have.

Sheldon Cooper: [after informing Stephanie he had successfully made his own CAT scanner at the age of 12] In fact I was briefly able to see the inside of my sister's guinea pig, Snowball, before he caught fire. It led to an interesting expression in our house: "Not a Snowball's chance in a CAT scanner!"

[first lines]
Sheldon Cooper: Penny! Hello.
Penny: Hey, Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: What is shaking?
Penny: [pause] I'm sorry?
Sheldon Cooper: It's colloquial, a conversation opener. So, do you find the weather satisfying? Are you currently sharing the triumph of some local sports team?
Penny: Whats wrong with you? You're freaking me out.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm striking up a casual conversation with you. Saa-uup?
Penny: Please don't do that.
Sheldon Cooper: All right, but I'm given to understand that when you have something *awkward* to discuss to someone it's more palatable to preface it with banal chit-chat.
Penny: So this *wasn't* the awkward part?

Leonard Hofstadter: Okay, I'm going to make this very simple for you. *You* are not in this relationship. *I* am. Ergo, you have *noooo* say in anything that happens between me and Stephanie!
Sheldon Cooper: I'm afraid I can't allow that. Pursuant to Starfleet General Order 104, Section A, you are deemed unfit, and I hereby relieve you of your command.
Leonard Hofstadter: Starfleet General Order 104, Section A does not apply in this situation.
Sheldon Cooper: Give me one good reason why not.
Leonard Hofstadter: Because this is not Star Trek!

Sheldon Cooper: Gentlemen, I have a question about dating and relationships.
Rajesh Koothrappali: [to Howard] You told me you were going to have the talk with him.
Howard Wolowitz: I've been waiting for someone to have the talk with me.

Sheldon Cooper: I spent so much of my childhood at that hospital. When I was 12, I got to ride there in a helicopter.
Stephanie: Why, w-w-what happened?
Sheldon Cooper: Radiation burns. A little mishap while I was building my own cat scanner.
Stephanie: I'm sorry, you tried to build your own cat scanner?
Sheldon Cooper: No, I didn't try, I succeeded. In fact, I was briefly able to see the inside of my sister's guinea pig, Snowball, before he caught fire. It led to an interesting expression in our house: "Not a snowball's chance in a cat scanner."

Sheldon Cooper: Of the handful of women Leonard's been involved with, she's the only one I have ever found tolerable.
Penny: Well, what about me?
Sheldon Cooper: The statement stands for itself.

Sheldon Cooper: Well, Stephanie, since Leonard seems to be dropping the conversational ball, I guess I'll just have to pick it up.
[long pause]
Sheldon Cooper: Have you ever witnessed a violent crime?
Stephanie: No.
Sheldon Cooper: Good. What's your favorite fruit?
Stephanie: Eh, uh... Strawberries.
Sheldon Cooper: Technically not a fruit, but all right.

Sheldon: If you fail at this relationship, and history suggests you will, then we risk losing the medical officer that our landing party has always needed!
Leonard: What landing party?
Sheldon: You're Kirk, I'm Spock, Wolowitz is Scotty, Koothrappali is the guy who always gets killed... and now we've got McCoy!

Leonard Hofstadter: [yelling] Are you insane! Now she's going to think I'm desperate. You've destroyed this relationship, and, you want to know the worst part is, you don't even understand what you did wrong because you can't conceive of something that you are not an expert in.
Sheldon Cooper: In which I am not...
Leonard Hofstadter: Don't even!

[last lines]
Sheldon Cooper: If I am permitted to speak again, Doctor Sheldon Cooper for the win.

Penny: Leonard, congratulations.
Leonard Hofstadter: What for?
Penny: Your Facebook status update. Leonard Hofstadter is in a relationship.
Leonard Hofstadter: What? No... No, that's not right.
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, man, did you switch your status before she did? Speaking as an expert: way to look needy.
Penny: Seriously? You went first, after only two weeks? That's bold.
Leonard Hofstadter: It's not bold, it's a mistake. I didn't change my status.
Penny: Well, then who did?
[Everybody looks at Sheldon]
Sheldon Cooper: I had no choice; he cried in front of her.
Leonard Hofstadter: You hacked my Facebook account?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, it's hardly hacking when you use the same password for everything, "Kal-El".

Sheldon Cooper: How do we circumvent his inevitable rejection?
Rajesh Koothrappali: Well, if you want to guarantee his appeal to Stephanie, your best bet would be to kill all the other men on the planet.
Howard Wolowitz: I'll tell you what you shouldn't do. Don't spritz him with that body spray from the commercial where the women undress when they smell it. That doesn't work at all. No matter how much you put on.