- [Koothrappali and Wolowitz have been using a video camera to spy on Leonard's date with Penny]
- Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon! How could you just sit there and let them spy on me?
- Sheldon Cooper: They were clever, Leonard: they exploited my complete lack of interest in what you were doing.
- Sheldon Cooper: Hey, there he is! There my old buddy bud-bud!
- Leonard Hofstadter: What's with him?
- Howard Wolowitz: Koothrapali dumped him on me and he couldn't get to sleep so I gave him a glass of warm milk with a handful of my mom's Valium in it but he still wouldn't shut up so tag you're it!
- [Wolowitz drops Sheldon's bag and leaves]
- Sheldon Cooper: I'm baaack!
- Leonard Hofstadter: I still don't know why you left.
- Sheldon Cooper: I can't tell you.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Why not?
- Sheldon Cooper: I promised Penny.
- Leonard Hofstadter: You promised Penny what?
- Sheldon Cooper: That I wouldn't tell you the secret. Ssh!
- Leonard Hofstadter: What secret? Tell me the secret.
- Sheldon Cooper: Mom smokes in the car. Jesus is okay with it but we can't tell dad!
- Leonard Hofstadter: Not *that* secret! The other secret!
- Sheldon Cooper: I'm Batman! Ssh!
- Leonard Hofstadter: Damn it! Sheldon, you said Penny told you a secret. What was the secret?
- Sheldon Cooper: Okay, I'll tell you. But you can't tell Leonard.
- Leonard Hofstadter: I promise.
- Sheldon Cooper: Penny lied about graduating from community college because she's afraid she's not smart enough for Leonard.
- Leonard Hofstadter: So it's nothing I did? It's her problem?
- Sheldon Cooper: I drank milk that tasted funny.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Penny thinks I'm too smart for her. That's ridiculous!
- Sheldon Cooper: I know. Most of your work is extremely derivative. Don't worry that's not a secret. Everybody knows!
- Sheldon Cooper: [Ex nihilo] Leonard, I'm moving out.
- Leonard Hofstadter: What do you mean, you're moving out? Why?
- Sheldon Cooper: There doesn't have to be a reason.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, there kinda does.
- Sheldon Cooper: Not necessarily. This is a classic example of Münchhausen's Trilemma: either the reason is predicated on a series of sub-reasons, leading to an infinite regression; or it tracks back to arbitrary axiomatic statements; or it's ultimately circular: i.e., I'm moving out because I'm moving out.
- Leonard Hofstadter: I'm still confused.
- Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, I don't see how I could have made it any simpler.
- Penny: This is between you and me. You can't tell Leonard any of this.
- Sheldon Cooper: You're asking me to keep a secret?
- Penny: Yeah.
- Sheldon Cooper: Well, I'm sorry, but you would have had to express that desire before revealing the secret, so that I could choose whether or not I wanted to accept the covenant of secret-keeping. You can't impose a secret on an ex-post-facto basis.
- Penny: What?
- Sheldon Cooper: Secret-keeping is a complicated endeavor. One has to be concerned not only about what one says, but about facial expressions, autonomic reflexes. When I try to deceive, I myself have more nervous tics than a Lyme disease research facility.
- [pause]
- Sheldon Cooper: It's a joke. It relies on the homonymic relationship between "tick", the blood-sucking arachnid, and "tic", the involuntary muscular contraction. I made it up myself.
- [Sheldon and Rajesh are watching television. Alka Yagnik's voice can be heard singing]
- Sheldon Cooper: Is that woman Aishwarya Rai?
- Rajesh Koothrapali: Yes, isn't she an amazing actress?
- Sheldon Cooper: Actually, I'd say she's a poor man's Madhuri Dixit.
- Rajesh Koothrapali: [angered, Rajesh turns his head toward Sheldon] How *dare* you! Aishwarya Rai is a goddess! By comparison, Madhuri Dixit is a l-leperous prostitute!
- Sheldon Cooper: [shocked] Sorry, I didn't mean to offend you. Obviously, you're not that familiar with Indian cinema.
- Rajesh Koothrapali: [angrily turns his head toward Sheldon a second time]
- Sheldon Cooper: You must release me from my oath. I can't keep your secret, Penny. I'm going to fold like an energy-based de novo protein in conformational space... like a Renaissance triptych... like a cheap suit.
- Penny: Why is it so hard for you to keep one little secret?
- Sheldon Cooper: I'm constitutionally incapable. That's why I was refused clearance for a very prestigious government research fellowship at a secret military supercollider located beneath a fake agricultural station 12.5 miles southeast of Traverse City, Michigan.
- [pause]
- Sheldon Cooper: Which you did not hear about from me.
- Sheldon Cooper: [looking at tape of Penny kissing Leonard] Jaw clenched, no tongue access. Clearly a bad sign in human mating.
- Leonard Hofstadter: It is not a bad sign!
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh, please. You might as well be two iguanas with no dewlap enlargement.
- Penny: Has Leonard ever dated any regular women?
- Sheldon Cooper: I assume you are not refering to digestive regularity. It has been my experience that asking that is highly inappropriate.
- Penny: I get it! Leonard has no business being involved with a waitress-slash-actress who felt so insecure that she lied to him about finishing community college.
- Sheldon Cooper: Why would you lie about that?
- Penny: Well, he was going on and on about this college and that grad school - and I didn't want him to think I was some kind of stupid loser.
- Sheldon Cooper: You thought the opposite of stupid loser was community-college graduate?
- Penny: You know, there are a lot of successful people who graduated from community college.
- Sheldon Cooper: Yet you are neither.
- Leonard Hofstadter: [about his date with Penny] Where could I have possibly gone wrong?
- Howard Wolowitz: The littlest things can set women off - like, "Hey, the waitress is hot! I bet we could get her to come home with us." Or, "How much does your mom weigh? I want to know what I'm getting into."
- Penny: Has Leonard ever been involved with someone who wasn't a braniac?
- Sheldon Cooper: Well, a few years ago, he did go out with a woman who had a Ph. D. in French literature.
- Penny: How is that not a braniac?
- Sheldon Cooper: Well, for one thing, she was French. For another, it was literature.
- [Sheldon moves in with Koothrapali]
- Sheldon Cooper: This is a very old building.
- Rajesh Koothrapali: Sixty years. Used to be a watch factory.
- Sheldon Cooper: Don't you worry about the residual radium from the luminous dials?
- Rajesh Koothrapali: Not until now!
- Sheldon Cooper: I can't believe I didn't bring my Geiger counter. I had it on my bed, and I didn't pack it.
- Rajesh Koothrapali: Well, if you're not comfortable staying here, Sheldon...
- Sheldon Cooper: I'm kidding! I packed it.
- Howard Wolowitz: [Hears a knock on his door] Who is it?
- Rajesh Koothrapali: [High-pitched voice] Strippergram!
- [Howard opens door; it's actually Rajesh with Sheldon]
- Rajesh Koothrapali: Tag, you're it.
- [Runs off]
- Howard Wolowitz: Couldn't you've just wrapped him up in a paper bag and set fire to him?
- [Sheldon is looking for a place to stay]
- Rajesh Koothrapali: You can't stay with me - I have a teeny, tiny apartment.
- Sheldon Cooper: Excuse me, but isn't hosting guests an aspect of Manushya-Yajna, one of the five central religious duties or sacrifices of the Hindu house-holder?
- Rajesh Koothrapali: I hate trains!
- Sheldon Cooper: Don't be silly - you love trains.
- Howard Wolowitz: Are you having a second date?
- Leonard Hofstadter: No. She said we would just wing it.
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh, please. Even I know that's lame.
- Rajesh Koothrapali: We just came from the exhibit of preserved cadavers.
- Howard Wolowitz: And some of those skinless women were hot!
- Sheldon Cooper: If you'll excuse me, I have to pack.
- Howard Wolowitz: That's a bit of an overreaction to a little harmless necrophilia.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Well, good night.
- Penny: What are you doing?
- Leonard Hofstadter: There was a draft.
- Penny: I didn't feel a draft.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Why don't we just go into your...
- Penny: Oh, yeah, you know what, maybe we should just slow things down a little.
- Leonard Hofstadter: No, no, I didn't mean to go into your apartment to... go fast.
- Penny: No, I know, I... I know what you meant, it's just... it's only our first date.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, okay, sure, no problem, why don't we just figure out where we're going, and when we want to get there, and then rate of speed equals distance over time. Solve for R.
- Penny: Or we could just wing it.
- Leonard Hofstadter: That might work too.
- Penny: Goodnight, Leonard.
- Penny: Hi.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, hi, listen, I know what's been bothering you about us, and I have the answer.
- Penny: What are you talking about?
- Leonard Hofstadter: First I want to say that it's not Sheldon's fault, he tried very hard to keep your secret, if Howard hadn't drugged him he would have taken it to his grave.
- Penny: He told you?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Yes, but it's okay. Now that we know what the problem is, there's a simple solution.
- Penny: Pasadena city college?
- Leonard Hofstadter: A place for fun, a place for knowledge. See, this man here's playing hacky sack, and this girl's going to be a paralegal.
- Penny: Wow, I get it, because Dr Leonard Hofstadter can't date a girl without a fancy college degree.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Well, it's really not that fancy, it's just a city college.
- Penny: Right, but I have to have some sort of degree to date you?
- Leonard Hofstadter: That doesn't matter to me at all.
- Penny: So, it's fine with you if I'm not smart.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Absolutely.
- [She slams the door in his face]
- Leonard Hofstadter: Okay, this time I know where I went wrong.
- Leonard Hofstadter: We went to dinner, we talked, we laughed, we kissed... Where could I have possibly gone wrong?
- Howard Wolowitz: Think back, Leonard. The littlest things can set women off. Like "Hey, the waitress is hot, I bet we could get her to come home with us." Or "How much does your mom weigh? I want to know what I'm getting into."
- Leonard Hofstadter: I didn't say anything like that.
- Howard Wolowitz: Good, 'cause they don't work.
- Rajesh Koothrapali: They also don't care for it if you stare at them and hyperventilate. Sadly, that's my home run swing.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Look, everything went fine.
- [unhides mini sheets]
- Leonard Hofstadter: I didn't even have to refer to my impromptu conversation starters. That woman across the hall is into me.
- Howard Wolowitz: Let's go to the tape.
- [shows the hidden camera record]
- Howard Wolowitz: Look at her reaction to the good night kiss. No change in respiration, pupils un-dilated, no flushing of the chest.
- Rajesh Koothrapali: Nice close-up, by the way.
- Sheldon Cooper: Interesting. Her jaws are clenched: no tongue access. Clearly a bad sign amongst mating humans.
- Leonard Hofstadter: That's not a bad sign.
- Sheldon Cooper: Please... You might as well have been two iguana with no dewlap enlargement.
- Rajesh Koothrapali: And the worst sign of all is you're here and not there.
- Leonard Hofstadter: I'm not there because I'm taking things slow; by the way, compared to you guys, approaches warp speed.
- [Leaving the room]
- Leonard Hofstadter: And take down that camera!
- Rajesh Koothrapali: He was a lot more fun when he had no hope.
- Howard Wolowitz: Give him time.
- Howard Wolowitz: Please, I'm begging you, go to sleep.
- Sheldon Cooper: I'm trying. I'm counting Catwomen.
- Howard Wolowitz: [Wolowitz and Koothrapali have been watching Leonard and Penny on a video camera] You should thank us. When future generations try to determine why your date with Penny crashed and burned, this right here is the black box.
- Leonard Hofstadter: What are you talking about? The date went fine!
- Rajesh Koothrapali: Dude, she said she wants to slow things down.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Okay, so she said she wants to slow things down. It's like saying, "I'm really enjoying this meal! I'm going to slow down and savor it."
- Howard Wolowitz: No - it's like: "This fish tastes bad, so I'm gonna slow down and spit it out."
- Rajesh Koothrapali: You being the fish.
- Leonard Hofstadter: I'm not the fish!
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