Just as I had thought that the "reality TV" market had already snatched up all the people with mental illnesses and all those cheap/unknown dime-a-dozen unemployed actors-for-hire, Paris Hilton's new MTV program proves that there is a seemingly inexhaustible supply of those two grade-Z media viruses.
To dismiss all the candidates as insane would be gullible. To label all of them as paid actors would be to underestimate the size of the pool of lunatics and morons that inhabit this sad little planet.
I believe that the assignments/tests should have been much better. A few suggestions:
1) The contestants get to shoot a porn film. Paris looks at the footage, and picks the girl with the smallest breast and the most idiotic grin.
2) The contestants are placed into large handbags, and pretend to be Paris's pet for 24 hours. The winner is expected to s*** 2-3 times, lick Hilton's derrière at least 5 times, and let Paris shove dog-food down their throat without complaining.
3) Each contestant is given exact replicas of Paris's 23 engagement rings. They then have to name as many of her 23 ex-fiancés as they can remember, and then write an essay on why they think Paris has to fake being "wife material" to the naïve public by being in a permanent state of "engagement".
4) A Paris Hilton Look-alike Competition. Each contestant gets a horror-movie make-up kit, and has to try to duplicate Paris's lazy eye and moronic grin to the best of their abilities.
5) The I.Q. test. All contestants with a score higher than 55 are automatically sent home. This would be the "April Fool's Day" assignment because none of the contestants would be eliminated after this round.
6) The South Park episode featuring Paris Hilton in the starring role is played in its entirety. The contestants would then have to explain whether what they just saw was an animated satire or a costume drama.
7) The contestants have to successfully complete an entire month's worth of impersonating any one of PH's three former best friends: Lindsey Lohan impersonators will be forced to have sex with an ugly female DJ, Britney Spears imitators will have to dance with a snake while lip-lynching out-of-synch in a phony dumb-U.S.-girlie "baby-voice", and Nicole Ritchie impersonators are expected to get themselves impregnated by a fat tattooed pop/baby-punk singer. (The fetuses will be later aborted in a "Paris Hilton MTV Abortion Special" and donated to PETA to feed the dolphins with.)
8) The VD assignment. "Collect as many venereal diseases in a 90-minute period as you can." The winner will be absolved from assignment 1.
