- Paul Hodges: [screaming random movie lines to get a suspect to talk] Yippie-ki-yay, motherfucker!
- Jimmy Monroe: I've never seen that movie before.
- Dave: Knock Knock.
- Paul Hodges: Don't do it Jim.
- Dave: Do it.
- Paul Hodges: If you respect our partnership Jim don't do it.
- Dave: Do it.
- Jimmy Monroe: Who's there?
- Dave: Orange.
- Paul Hodges: No. No. Huh Huh. No. No! No! No! Hell No! NO! NO! I refuse to... No! No! Alright Orange who damn it?
- Dave: Orange you pissed that your wife is taking it in the ass from another guy right now?
- Jimmy Monroe: This guy's the biggest car thief in Brooklyn, let's be careful
- Tommy: [Rolls down the car window, looks up at Paul and Jimmy] You just scratched my ride.
- Paul Hodges: What the hell are you doin', Tommy?
- Tommy: I'm drivin', bitch.
- Paul Hodges: Get out o' the car!
- Tommy: Is it I'm black?
- Paul Hodges: No! Cause you're TEN!
- Tommy: Eleven!
- Paul Hodges: Get out o' the car!
- Tommy: I was wearin' my seatbelt!
- Paul Hodges: Get out o' the car, you little re-peat offender!
- Tommy: Fuck!
- Tommy: What?
- Paul Hodges: You know, I'm gonna smack the black off you!
- Tommy: You can't do anything to me
- Paul Hodges: Talk! About the stolen Mercedes-Benz!
- Tommy: I'm not tellin' you nothin'
- Paul Hodges: No, you gonna tell me somethin' or I'm gonna...
- [Tommy kicks Paul in the balls]
- Jimmy Monroe: I told ya be careful!
- [Paul punches Tommy]
- Jimmy Monroe: Paul, did you just punch a little child?
- Paul Hodges: There's things you don't know about me, Jim, I'll fuck a little kid up if he kicked me in the dick!
- Paul Hodges: This is the stuff that my mom would tell friends about me, 'My son is genius, my son is a genius'.
- Paul Hodges: Now we need to know about the Mercedez
- [Jimmy looks on with a grin]
- Paul Hodges: that was stolen a couple o' nights ago, in the back of a Mini-Mart, in Bay Ridge!
- Tommy: I ain't tellin' you shit! You can't DO shit, cause I'm a miiiinor
- Jimmy Monroe: Heh heh heh heh
- Tommy: Fuck you too, Professor-X-looking Mother Fucker!
- Jimmy Monroe: You are an angry young man.
- Tommy: Yo, you're messin' with my business, bitch.
- Paul Hodges: Whose car is this?
- Tommy: Yo Momma's!
- Jimmy Monroe: You ready?
- Paul Hodges: I'm ready.
- [pauses]
- Paul Hodges: Let's go be great!
- Jimmy Monroe: Do you ever listen to yourself sometimes?
- Paul Hodges: You know, the bonobo chimpanzee is the only non-human primate that has oral sex?
- Jimmy Monroe: Where do you find the time to watch "Animal Planet"? I'm with you 25 hours a day!
- Paul Hodges: [Pointing to head] I have to feed this. I have to feed this.
- Jimmy Monroe: Well, you're a compendium of fucking useless information.
- Paul Hodges: Well, I don't wanna look at reality TV, cause that's the bowels of Hollywood.
- Jimmy Monroe: [mumbled] fuckin' Reality TV, fuckin' blows
- Paul Hodges: And I like to see chimpanzees gettin' head.
- Jimmy Monroe: You got a point.
- Paul Hodges: I know what "pellegro" means.
- Jimmy Monroe: What's it mean?
- Paul Hodges: It's Puerto-Rican for "penguin"
- Barry Mangold: [teasing Monroe after he's been robbed] Mr. Monroe, we are the police. We're here to help. You've been a victim of a crime, do you understand?
- Jimmy Monroe: I ain't got no time for this shit.
- Barry Mangold: Wow! Oh God!
- Hunsaker: You know, based on the uh the emotional state how we should proceed? What do you think? We could get him a psycho avaluation?
- Barry Mangold: So we're gonna take you to Bellevue just to make sure you're okay uh huh?
- Hunsaker: Now for the record, how long actually have you been a...
- [Barry shows a comic book]
- Hunsaker: hobbyist?
- Barry Mangold: Now, was there any identifying marks on the suspects?
- Jimmy Monroe: [remembers of Dave's tattoo] No!
- Jimmy Monroe: Ma'am, ma'am.
- Laura: Whats going on?
- Paul Hodges: Somebody just broke into your house.
- Laura: [while pulling out gun] I'm gonna go take care of the son of a... B, myself.
- Jimmy Monroe: Whoa, whoa, ma'am.
- Kevin: You gonna smoke somebody?
- Paul Hodges: Put the gun down.
- Laura: I know my rights!
- Jimmy Monroe: [while trying not to swear in front of young boy] Lady, put the f-in' gun, down on the ground right now, take your son across the f-in' street, AND STAY THERE TILL WE COME AND GET YOU! Jesus... C.
- Paul Hodges: OK, how are we going work this?
- Jimmy Monroe: Same way we always do. I interrogate him, you write it down.
- Paul Hodges: Oh so you're making decisions now? I hope the whole 6-9 know that you're making decisions. I'm going to play the bad guy on this one.
- Jimmy Monroe: Doubtful.
- Paul Hodges: Un-doubtful.
- Jimmy Monroe: Highly doubtful and you know why because you don't play the bad guy. You just steal all the bullshit lines you hear on TV and the movies that you like.
- [first lines]
- Paul Hodges: You know what today represents? Nine Jim. Nine years me and you been together. *Nine* we been main shit stains. I know some dogs that don't even live to be nine. You're lucky if you get seven years out of a Great Dane. But me and you been puttin' it together for nine...
- [whips out a card]
- Paul Hodges: Happy anniversary Jim.
- Jimmy Monroe: I don't celebrate anniversaries.
- Paul Hodges: Jim, open it up. I wanna see the expression on your face.
- Jimmy Monroe: You wanna see the expression on my face? The expression you're gonna see on my face is "fuck you".
- Paul Hodges: That's called parkour. It's a French martial art to get you around and over stuff.
- Jimmy Monroe: What are you?
- Paul Hodges: I just wanna get you pregnant, you know? My daughter gonna come out like 11 pounds , twenty ounces, runnin, around the house with the doo doo pampers on!
- Paul Hodges: What's with the box?
- Jimmy Monroe: I gotta sell the Pavco.
- Paul Hodges: I heard that. I know that's right... I'm lying. What's a Pavco?
- Jimmy Monroe: It's a baseball card.
- Paul Hodges: Jimmy, if you need twenty bucks...
- Jimmy Monroe: Asshole, I don't need twenty bucks.
- Paul Hodges: Oh, shit. He's taking a shit in the house.
- Jimmy Monroe: What kind of guy takes a shit in the same house that he's robbing?
- Paul Hodges: I don't know. What kind of guy takes a shit in a high-pressure situation like this? I'm not shitting no where except for my house. I will pitch it in my house for hours before I let it go. But when I let it, here, it goes. Here, she blows. The big brown shark is gonna to come. I set records for my shit turds. I move my bowels all over my toilet. All over my bathroom, I'm moving bowels. I shit so hard sometimes, people next door will be like, "Warriors, come out and play."
- Paul Hodges: Did you know they were gonna make a movie about these two starring Kevin Costner and Robert DeNiro? Yeah, it was called 'The Unfuckables'.
- Barry Mangold: I'm not gonna lie to you, I like the idea of Kevin Costner and Robert DeNiro playing us.
- Hunsaker: [Imitating DeNiro] Yeah, lil bit.
- Jimmy Monroe: I been where you are.
- Paul Hodges: Roy?
- [Jimmy nods]
- Paul Hodges: C'mere, man
- [Paul spreads his arms wide]
- Paul Hodges: You look like you need a hug.
- Jimmy Monroe: [Steps back] Whoa. You really read that one wrong.
- Paul Hodges: It's just that I'm vulnerable, man.
- Jimmy Monroe: How long she been in there?
- Paul Hodges: I don't know, does this mean that we're not broken up any more?
- Jimmy Monroe: What are you, in the fifth grade?
- Jimmy Monroe: What do you do?
- Hourly Housekeeper: Housekeeping.
- Eddie: She's an hourly housekeeper. Hou... Hourly rate. Housekeeper.
- Jimmy Monroe: You beat up a kid?
- Paul Hodges: I needed the bike.
- Captain Romans: You can see it on youtube if you want.
- Paul Hodges: Really? What, *the* youtube?
- Captain Romans: Good job.
- Paul Hodges: Captain, how many hits I get?
- Captain Romans: There's at least two, the Chief of Police and the Deputy Chief.
- Jimmy Monroe: [nonchalantly in Mexican standoff] You know how tired we are from killing all your friends?
- Captain Romans: You know, there's a right way of doing police work. There's a wrong way of doing it. Then there's a way that you two idiots do it.
- [the Mortuary Attendant answers the phone]
- Mortuary Attendant: Hello?
- Mortuary Attendant: Hey, sweetie!
- Dave: Hi, sweetie!
- [the Mortuary Attendant looks around confused]
- Mortuary Attendant: So, um I was thinking we could go out to dinner tonight.
- Dave: Oh, dinner. Where are we going?
- [the Mortuary Attendant looks around confused again]
- Mortuary Attendant: Could you hand on for a sec, hon? Thanks.
- Mortuary Attendant: Hello?
- Dave: Hello.
- Mortuary Attendant: Is this some kind of joke?
- Dave: Why? Do you like jokes?
- Dave: Knock, Knock.
- Mortuary Attendant: Who's there?
- Dave: Open.
- Mortuary Attendant: Open who?
- Dave: Open the fucking bag, bitch!
- [the Mortuary Attendant opens the body bag and Dave is lying down in the bag pretending to be dead]
- Dave: Hi.
- [the Mortuary Attendant screams and runs away]
- Dave: Yes!
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