The Hollywood Squares (Syndication) (1971–1981)

Peter Marshall: Self - Host

Quotes 

• Self - Host : When is a woman most beautiful?

  Self - Panelist : Just before the bar closes.

• Self - Host : According to the guide "First Aid for the Family", if someone swallows an unknown poison, either give them water or what?

  Self - Panelist : Leave the room.

• Self - Host : True or false, a male gorilla only manages to get romantically excited about once a year.

  Self - Panelist : [sighs]  Then it's "Adults Only Day" at the zoo.

• Self - Host : Is it true Zsa Zsa Gabor is a deputy sheriff in Chicago?

  Self - Panelist : Too bad she couldn't make it in show business.

• Self - Host : Zsa Zsa Gabor is quoted as saying "Nothing makes you lonelier or unhappier than a bad..."

  Self - Panelist : Sister.

• Self - Host : What would you do with gray poupon?

  Self - Panelist : I'd rub my parrot's nose in it.

  [Loud laughter from Phyllis Diller] 

• Self - Host : According to studies at the San Francisco Examinier, if your wife is having an affair, are you likely to find out?

  Self - Panelist : I found about Alice. I was in a hotel once and I found out they had named a room service sandwich after her.

  Self - Host : A room service sandwich, what was it called?

  Self - Panelist : I don't know. I think it was Breast of Turkey

  [Loud laughter from Phyllis Diller] 

  Self - Panelist : ... served on two huge buns.

  [More laughter] 

• Self - Host : True or false, a topless dancer in San Franciso has had her bust insured for a million dollars.

  Self - Panelist : Oh, and for the first time, the Good Hands People...

  [loud laughter] 

  Self - Panelist : have a "Piece of the Rock".

• Self - Host : Who is smarter, your dog, your cat, or your pig?

  Self - Panelist : Well, I don't have a *pig*, unless I count *his mother*.

  [laughter] 

  Self - Panelist : . She has a lazy susan that is deisel powered. Boy, when that thing spins, it blows my wig off.

• Self - Host : True of false. According to Dr. Joyce Brothers, people who own dogs often get satisfaction when their dogs do things that they would actually like to do.

  [laughter] 

  Self - Panelist : I went with a girl once who was a real *dog*. We used to go for rides in the car, stick her head out the window,

  [laughter] 

  Self - Panelist : fetch, and all kinds of things like that. She died when she was twenty.

  Self - Host : Oh, she was so young.

  Self - Panelist : Not in *dog* years!

  [loud laughter from Phyllis Diller] 

• Self - Host : True or false, a male gorilla only manages to get romantically excited about once a year.

  Self - Panelist : [sighs]  Then it's "Adults Only Day" at the zoo.

• Self - Host : Is it true Zsa Zsa Gabor is a deputy sheriff in Chicago?

  Self - Panelist : Too bad she couldn't make it in show business.

• Self - Host : Zsa Zsa Gabor is quoted as saying "Nothing makes you lonelier or unhappier than a bad..."

  Self - Panelist : Sister.

• Self - Host : According to the guide "First Aid for the Family", if someone swallows an unknown poison, either give them water or what?

  Self - Panelist : Leave the room.