Jordan Gelber credited as playing...
Abe
- Abe: We're all horrible people. Humanity's a fucking cesspool. People look in the mirror every fucking day and lie to themselves, saying they're good or caring or loving, but deep down - not so deep down - they only care about themselves. People... People treat you like shit, every fucking day, and then they act like other people are shit... so they get a pet that's all cute and cuddly, but even an animal knows the hard, primal truth: It is all about what you want; and, if there's any kindness or generosity, it only comes after being well-fed, or having good sex, or knowing that you weren't wiped out like all the other suckers on Wall Street.
- Abe: [showing Miranda his room, which is full of action figures, toys and posters of Doctor Who, Lord of the Rings and Thundercats] Don't worry, I am not a Trekkie or anything super-nerdy like that.
- Abe: I'm not a kid.
- Marie: I know. Next thing you know, you'll be fifty and your life will be over, and you'll still be living at home.
- Abe: You know, it costs a lot of money to move out. I'm not rich!
- Marie: You're a cheapskate and a freeloader. Face it.
- Abe: There're my parents! They need me!
- Marie: No. Grow up. No one needs you.
- Phyllis: Maybe you should go back into therapy.
- Abe: Psychiatrists are idiots! The whole profession is a joke! I know my problems better than anyone and there's no solution.
- Phyllis: Dr. Sonnenschein...
- Abe: Dr. Sonnenschein's the biggest fucking idiot of them all!
- Phyllis: He helped your father and me. He helped us with our marriage. Remember, we almost got a divorce.
- Abe: You should have gotten divorced.
- Abe: I'm moving out.
- Phyllis: Where are you gonna go?
- Abe: Away. As far away as possible.
- Phyllis: Do you need any money?
- Abe: I have savings, I don't need anyone's help. I mean, like, mom, I'm...
- Phyllis: Remember, I'm always here for you.
- [she kisses him and starts to leave the room]
- Abe: Mom?
- Phyllis: Yes, honey?
- Abe: Actually, you know, you never did pay up for my Backgammon winnings.
- Phyllis: Oh. Well, I'll write you a check in the morning.
- Abe: $845 as of October 4th.
- Phyllis: You're always so good with dates and numbers. Hey, you wanna play a quick round, just for fun?
- Abe: First, the check.
- Phyllis: Can I pay you in installments?
- Abe: Miranda, I know this might take you by surprise, I mean, like, totally wild and crazy, I know. I'm just a dark horse at heart, but I always just tell myself "Abe, go for it!"
- Miranda: Uh-huh.
- Abe: Miranda, I wanna marry you. Will you accept? Don't say anything. Just think about it. I know. It's totally crazy. I know. I just wanted to put it out there, let you know how I feel, but let's just push that aside for now. You wanna go to the movies, do to the mall or somethin', pick up some tacos?
- Abe: [at the toy store customer service counter] I'm looking for my financeé.
- Jiminy: I'm sorry. We don't carry any fianceés here.
- Abe: But I know she's here.
- Jiminy: Maybe you'd like to try one of our other outlets?
- Abe: Look, I just told you she's here! Do I have to talk to the store manager?
- Jiminy: Sorry. He's out for lunch, but he'll be back in a few minutes, if you'd like to wait.
- Abe: No, I would not like to wait. I paid for a financeé and I want her now!
- Jiminy: Maybe you'd like to flip through our catalogue. We could special order for you, if you'd like, but I'm afraid, once a purchase has been opened, it can't be returned - store policy.
- Abe: But I have a receipt.