- Paul Spooner: Dear Miss Kampenfelt, since you expressed a desire today to learn more about adult life, here are ten bitter truths for your reading pleasure. Number one, complete honesty is a complete lie. Two, marriage is sacred only to those who have never been married. Three, money is more integral to happiness than romantic love.
- Katie Kampenfelt: Four, every human being is a contradiction. Some hide it better than others. Five, never underestimate the tendency of human beings to act contrary to their own best interests. Six, were it not for the fear of getting caught, most of us would behave like savages. Seven, all sex has consequences, most of them dire.
- Joel Seidler: [reading the last three bitter truths] The older you get, the faster time flies until months pass like days. There's no such thing as living happily ever after. Everything gets worse.
- Glenn Warburg: I can't imagine life without great books. It's as close to the angels as I get.
- Katie Kampenfelt: What do you mean?
- Glenn Warburg: Well, for me, reading is a transcendent experience.
- Katie Kampenfelt: [smiles] Hm.
- Katie Kampenfelt: [In reaction to her mother's practical response after telling her she got a new job] Whhyyyy are you so fucking negative?
- [first title card]
- Title Card: Some guys practically grab you by the hair and push your onto their dicks. My turn! Or else if they're the sensitive type, they tell you how sex will bring you so much closer and they start to whine and shit. Yuck! Mr. Big never makes me do anything The only way I even know that I've been blueballing him is that one time at the door he said 'I'm going to blow a load before you get to the corner.'
- Katie Kampenfelt: Do human beings ever dream a whole new life and make it come true or do they always go back to the way they were? I guess there's only one way to find out.
- Doug Kampenfelt: Sanctimonious cunt. If she had her way, we'd all be drinkin' holy water.
- Katie Kampenfelt: Out of the Pope's jockstrap.
- Doug Kampenfelt: [receiving his Christmas present from his daughter] What did I do to deserve this?
- Katie Kampenfelt: You knocked up Mom.
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