The Boss (2016)

Melissa McCarthy: Michelle Darnell

Photos 

Quotes 

• Michelle Darnell : I tried a Dorito for the first time last night. It wasn't cheese. It was... cheese adjacent, but not cheese. It was really good!

• Michelle Darnell : Let's watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre!

• Michelle Darnell : Pity's all you've got. Pity's your best friend.

• Claire : Michelle, if you can't give me a raise, I can't continue to work here.

  Michelle Darnell : Well, look who finally showed up to my seminar. About time, Claire, I love it. I didn't know you were listening all these years. What am I always saying?

  Tito : Don't go in that room!

  Michelle Darnell : True. I do say that, but I also say, you want something, you gotta take it. Claire, you just took it and you grew a pair in the process.

  Claire : I'm holding your earrings?

  Michelle Darnell : You're holding a pair of earrings, as in 2001 I paid $ 62,000 for it, and that's your raise now, it's a good raise and you earned it.

  Claire : Thank you.

  Tito : Congratulations on your balls, Claire!

• Michelle Darnell : It's hilarious. It's like that classic comedy gag, 'Who's on my baseball?'.

  Tito : Who's on my baseball?

  Michelle Darnell : Who's on my baseball?

  Tito : Uh, who's on my baseball?

  Michelle Darnell : Who's on my baseball?

  Claire : I think it's uh, 'Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third'. Right?

  Michelle Darnell : I don't think that's...

  Tito : Uh... no?

  Michelle Darnell : Uh, I think you're on my baseball.

  Tito : Who's on my baseball!

  Michelle Darnell : First base!

  Tito : [singing]  What's on my baseball!

• Michelle Darnell : [from trailer]  My name is Michelle Darnell, and I am the wealthiest woman in America. How wealthy am I? I wanted to come down on a golden phoenix and I sure as shit did it!

• Michelle Darnell : [from trailer]  Whoo! That batch is *burnt*!

• Michelle Darnell : I am amazed that the United Center is even still standing because I crushed it tonight!

  Tito : You crushed it like velvet!

• Claire : [Knocking on the bathroom door, while Michelle is in the bathroom]  Michelle, you gotta get out of the bathroom. I'm already late for work and Rachel's gonna be late for school.

  Michelle Darnell : [From inside the bathroom]  Well, I'm going as fast as I can. You're welcome to come in.

  Claire : [Opening the door to find Michelle applying self-tanning spray]  Fine, but we gotta get on the schedule if you're gonna be here. Oh, my God! Close your robe!

  Michelle Darnell : No, absolutely not! I'm self-tanning and my legs are still wet.

  Claire : I can see your vagina.

  Michelle Darnell : Well, congratulations and you're welcome. You know, I had it rejuvenated in 2010. They called it a vaguvenation. You know, it's like a soft silk coin purse.

  [Whispered] 

  Michelle Darnell : I can barely urinate.

  Claire : [Still in shock]  Oh, my God.

  Michelle Darnell : Now, do me a favor and tell me if I have any streaks on my hamstrings.

  [Turns around, bends over and lifts up her robe as Rachel comes into the bathroom] 

  Claire : Oh, my God! Put it away!

  Michelle Darnell : Huh!

  Claire : Put it away!

  Rachel : Whoa!

  Michelle Darnell : [Turns around]  Hi, Racquel.

  Rachel : It's Rachel!

  Claire : Go grab your backpack, honey. We don't need to brush our teeth today. Our teeth are fine.

  [Rachel leaves the room, as Michelle goes back to spraying her leg with self-tanning spray] 

  Claire : . You need to wipe some of that off your face. You know, it dries darker.

  Michelle Darnell : No. Does it?

  [Grabs the bottle] 

  Claire : Yes.

  Michelle Darnell : That's not what the bottle says.

  [She wipes her face with a bath towel] 

  Michelle Darnell : Oh. Oh, it's okay. It's coming off like a dream on your towel.

  Claire : You need to clean up the bathroom and... consider staying away from self-tanner altogether. Your... pelvic region is the color of curry.

  Michelle Darnell : Namaste, Claire. Thank you.

  Claire : That's not a compliment.

• Michelle Darnell : Thank you. Great encounter. It's always, uh, fun, and uh, I think I'm done with you.

• Helen : [during street fight and Helen stops a Dandelion girl from running]  Oh, no, you don't! You're not going anywhere. Do you understand me? Dandelions never leave a street fight.

  Scout Leader Sandy : [tired of Helen's shit]  Goddamn it, Helen!

  Helen : We're gonna wipe the floor!

  [Sandy and Jan push Helen down] 

  Helen : Sandy, why?

  [Sandy and Jan hold Helen down] 

  Scout Leader Sandy : 'Cause I'm the leader, dang it!

  Helen : You're a traitor!

  Scout Leader Sandy : No!

  Michelle Darnell : Move! That bitch is mine.

  Helen : Wait, no!

  Michelle Darnell : Okay, time to put the cookies back in the cookie jar! Helen I warned you, Helen! I warned you!

  [Michelle stuffs Helen's pants with cookies] 

  Helen : Those clusters are scratching me!

  Michelle Darnell : Good!

  Michelle Darnell : Darlings! Let's go!

  Michelle Darnell : [to Helen]  Stay down!

• Michelle Darnell : [to the Darnell's Darlings girls]  Now, what are we doing?

  Darnell's Darlings : Selling brownies!

  Michelle Darnell : Okay, what do we say if somebody doesn't want to buy?

  Chrystal : Buy my brownies or I'll kill you.

  Claire : Don't say that, Chrystal.

  Michelle Darnell : Say that. That's perfect.

  [Chrystal nods in agreement]