Reviews
The Dragon Gate (1994)
Is this for real?
I admit, I didn't actually watch the whole movie (I fast-forwarded through a lot of it, it seemed so terrible), so I've refrained from actually giving it a rating. The whole time, I was trying to figure out if this movie was for real. I logged onto this site to make sure that I didn't dream the whole thing up. The movie is that odd. A low budget martial arts action movie that wants to show the viewer the path to enlightenment. What makes it so surreal is that, unlike most low-budget action movies, it skips the gratuitous nudity and actually seems to take itself seriously. At first I thought it was tongue in cheek, but after listening to the eastern mysticism voice-over at the end, I'm not so sure. What makes this terrible movie even sadder is the fact that it seems to be dedicated, with complete gravity and earnestness, to the dead wife of the star/writer. The creepiest part is, I found this movie lying around in my apartment, and I haven't a clue as to where it came from.
Vampires (1998)
A so-so vampire flick
I liked Vampires, but that's because I'm comparing it to all the other vampire movies I've seen, most of which were truly abysmal. Vampires had a claustrophopic plot, it was overly gory, it had a Baldwin brother(I have to pause here to say that I really like Stephen Baldwin), and it wasn't particularly suspenseful or scary. Still, since I can count the number of truly good vampire movies on one hand, I realize that beggars can't be choosers. In its defense, Vampires was a very interesting, and (I think) original take on the genre. Still it remains in that strange limbo in between the vampire movies I could watch over and over (Bram Stoker's Dracula, The Lost Boys, Vampire Hunter D, From Dusk Til Dawn, Interview with the Vampire) and the movies I could barely watch all the way through the first time (Vampirella, Dracula 1972 A.D., Innocent Blood, Embrace of the Vampire, etc.).
Pleasantville (1998)
almost too pleasant
This movie had wonderful visuals, a good storyline, and a likable cast. There were, however, a few things that kept me from putting the movie on my all-time favorites list. First, there seems to be a simplistic one-to-one correlation made between sex and enlightenment, and though there are events later on in the movie which suggest that this isn't quite the case, sex and (secondarily) art seem to be the only really powerful "coloring" influences. Second, though I realize that Pleasantville is essentially a fable about censorship and the silliness of trying to separate life into "acceptable" and "unacceptable" categories, there are some cloying inconsistencies: For instance, the "black and whites" harass the "coloreds" in a violent manner, and they don't suddenly turn colored (though the mayor's transformation suggests that they should have). Notably, the only people who act unpleasant in Pleasantville are the black and whites. Those who become "colored" are not really transformed into "real" people(as the film would seem to suggest) with flaws, they are transformed into a sort of idealized enlightened society. Like the 50s sitcoms they lampoon, the film-makers have chosen to ignore those things which might possibly be unpleasant. The characters bring art, beauty, and enlightenment to Pleasantville, and suddenly everything seems hunky-dory. The End. Roll Credits. I guess I'm cynical, but in my imagination, after the end of the film, the inhabitants of Pleasantville start having to deal with teen pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, spouse abuse, alcoholism, and pollution; then the good citizens of Pleasantville start thinking, "It's nice that we can read, and go to the bathroom, and have sex, and see pretty colors, but was it really worth it?"
Embrace of the Vampire (1995)
Well, at least I got to see Alyssa Milano naked
The movie gets points (only a few) because it actually portrayed the Catholic virgin (Milano) as a real person, and not a prudish object of ridicule. However, the scene with the female photographer was right out of a porn movie, except that Milano's character chickens out; in fact from, then on, Embrace is just that, a porn movie edited down to an R rating. By the way, it also featured possibly the lamest vampire in all cinema history. Don't get me wrong, I was happy to get the chance to see Alyssa naked, but at the same time, it was kind of depressing. I certainly didn't respect her in the morning. Poison Ivy 2 (which she also stars in, but which I refuse to waste $1.50 on) is likely the same soft-porn schlock. Already, Milano is probably looking back at that period in her life and cursing herself.