Reviews
The Irishman (2019)
Stupid. But watchable.
It's watchable. Just a little stupid. Mafia never happens. Not in New York. Not in Italy. Not in Sicily. Restaurants at top spots get hit systematically. Because everyone can see the bosses walk out with the green paper stacks all the time. Those restaurants - everywhere - get robbed all the time. It's systematic. That doesn't mean the crime is organised. Restaurant owners are systematically stupid. That's why they didn't get a normal job to begin with. I sat through the three hours runtime. What I take away is that Robert DeNiro and the side cast lie without hesitation while their acting skills don't give it away that it's all made up. Thanks.
Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (1991)
Fittingly dark
Oh God, the 90s. I was in Germany. East Germany fell and the military forced conscription got East Germans into Bavarian barracks in West Germany, from now on. Germany - was - creeping - dark. You could watch people's eyes turn dark. I was 11 years old in '91. I hate Kevin Costner who plays Robin Hood here. I hate Brian Adams who sings the main tune to this song. Along with two other singers I never cared for. And why would an American even get invested in Europe's Robin Hood ? Africans tell me they love Robin Hood and British forest tales. But those Africans have unusual relationships with their own families, too. Think Lion King. Americans didn't strike me as those kinds of weirdos. Until this movie rolled along. Kevin Costner and all the cast in this movie might be exceptions. Weirdos. Avoid. Honestly, I associate the world's entire possible darkness with this movie. This movie single handedly nailed what a butthole is. Someone should have told Kevin that he is supposed to play the good guy here. Robin Hood is supposed to be the good guy. Try a sympathetic smile ? At someone who is not your mother ? Mary is supposed to be your love interest ? Sympathetic smile please ? A whatever. Kevin funded that movie. He can look as awful as he wants to. Lion King is a Mofo movie. But Kevin's Robin Hood is sooo much darker even.
Star Trek: Voyager: Equinox (1999)
God I love this
I love this two parter so much. I could write the first one thousand words only about my love for the Title Equinox. But I'll skip that in case you haven't watched it. For a starter, the TV show Voyager captured that feeling of being in completely unexplored space even more so than the original Star Trek show did. It really is the furthest corner of the galaxy. And this is where our band of distinctly real people bump into another - Federation - ship called Equinox. And those guys feel real, too. And normally, personally, I don't even like people. But when it comes to those two crews, I wouldn't even know which crew to join. You see, that other crew of scoundrels kill aliens that pop out of thin air, so they can harvest their energy. The scoundrels need that energy to get back home. Those aliens are humanoid, not just cows, so it's definitely wrong. -ish! Because it's exactly what most people would do without second thoughts. The plot is so great. And it's not even a time travel or parallel universe episode. It's just our crew bumping into another crew that you genuinely recognize from our world and that you can sympathise with. It's incredibly cool when the baddies' captain uses his VR glasses to meet his wife on a simulated beach. It's all that matters to him, and he drags you into his way of seeing things. If you haven't seen enough eye popping decisions by our crew's Captain Janeway in previous episodes, then wait for her new torture chamber in this two parter. Normally, I'm very much into Star Trek episodes with far our plots like parallel universes. But everything about this thriller two parter is so clever, real, atmospheric, unexpected, and gut punching, that this two parter has to be - my favourite episode of any Star Trek show - ever. Even better than 'Year of Hell.'
Married with Children (1987)
Peg was -hot-
Born 1980. German. By the early 90s, this funny show made it onto German TV. This was before The Simpsons. I don't know about the US. But there was nothing else on German telly that was funny. Yup. So I loved this. It feels a bit old now, but it didn't fade out in my memory. Fond memories. I absolutely never understood why Christina Applegate was meant to be the hottie in the show. Peg was always a lot hotter. And so evidently hotter. While husband Al kept picking on her. The show implied she was average looking, or something. None of that made any sense to me. Peg's open attitude, the sexy black leggings, the hight. Did someone write the scripts for the ten seasons upfront and they originally were going to hire Rosy MacD for the show ? And then kept those scripts written for a different actor ? Or is there something Americans know that I don't know ? Because I swear I would try to find out. Peg looked hot to me.
Iron Sky (2012)
Nazis
I feel sorry for all the actors. Wouldn't you want that movie erased from your CV ? Pretend that never happened ? There is that one inner voice among several that keeps telling you just to give in as a German and be that German then. I think that kind of despair must have driven the movie's premise. Plot: A bunch of Nazis built a base on the moon in secrecy long ago. And now they are in space being Nazis. I can promise everyone involved this movie is not going to age. There is nothing funny about Nazis. Brits once spoofed Nazis with a pilot episode of a TV show called 'Honey I'm home.' I'm not British. No idea if that other show could have worked as a comedy show. But there is something inherently deprived about Nazis. Surprise. And I believe Iron Sky missed to spot that deprivation. All of the cast are scum. And it's on tape now. I feel sorry because that move was so unnecessary. Just be unemployed for a few years instead and do nothing. The cast are actual Nazis. And it's on tape now.
Outnumbered (2007)
Repulsive
It's awful. No need to watch this. A family. With kids. You know 'family' ? That institution where you can beat kids in the evening and they HAVE to return to your home for lunch the next day. You don't even have to beat them, because they can forsee that situation and simply fall in place. That's what 'family' is. And that's what that show encourages. It encourages people who are not qualified to be parents to be parents. If you produce this kind of show you need to call out what the problem with 'family' is. You can't just ignore all issues. Parents usually don't save enough money before they raise kids, so they send them to school at 6am. You need to call out the systematic problem with 'families.' They are not working. This show posits the opposite and another family adopts kids for pets. It's repulsive.
RTL Samstag Nacht (1993)
Oh well
Was alright in the 90s. A bit like the Simpsons rationale. It's a new concept and there hadn't been any funny stuff before. Germany in the 90s was school that started at 7:40am, when you turned 18 you got a letter from the German military that they were going to conscript you, and the med authorities touched your testicles without asking. It's a matter of taste, whether a TV channel should allow comedy shows in that system. Don't go through all the other German 90s comedy shows, I'll sum them up and rate them here: Samstag Nacht: 3/10. Repetitive. Switch: 5/10. Imaginative but offensive at times. 'Ladykracher' was in the 00s, a hit and miss, and the hits were funny, 8/10. There have been dozens of comparable comedy shows that flooded Germany only in the 90s, but absolutely rank below 3 stars. Returning to the more important issue: should an oppressive system like Germany where people habitually cross boundaries broadcast any comedy shows ? Shouldn't the young people get the message by NOT showing any comedy shows ? It depends if there is YouTube, I would say. There was no YouTube in 90s ... I still can't give it a 'yes.' I hope Germany falls into foreign proprietorship, and we'll never have to discuss this impossible question ever again.
Parks and Recreation (2009)
Funny show & steal that money now
Very funny show. Especially Nick Offerman is funny. If you work in public services, then now is the time to run off with their money. Parks and Recreation is very much about how Public Services are - mis-organised. They hire people who should be "disinterested" and Boy are they "disinterested!" They want nothing to do with their tax payers. Normally, every public payment would only be authorized by two signatures. But guess what: One signature is sufficient! That signature of the treasurer! How incredibly stupid is that system!? If you think closer, you'll see public service idiots (like in this funny show) can't be organized any better. Say, you require two signatures for every payment. They'll secretly marry each other! And homo genders won't give it away that they are plotting! As a result, public money can be robbed so easily. Well. It's Christmas. Child lovers are distracted that time of the year -> if you are a treasurer then steal that money now. Look at public schools. You're doing them a favour, in the long run.
Andromeda: A Rose in the Ashes (2000)
Insane Opener
Easy ten stars just because of the opener. I really thought I had seen all jokes. The opener is SO funny. I'm not gonna spoil it. But it's SO clever, SO anti-commonealth, and SO well acted. Not one muscle moves in Dylan's face. The rest of the episode is very cool, set on an alien prison, from which Dylan runs. The show is going to shine with stellar guest cast in later episodes throughout the five seasons. And I loved all the quirky side characters and aliens in those episodes. But none of the them come even close to the humour of the opener of this episide. And 20 years ago when the show premiered the joke escaped my mind. But then again, in my twenties I didn't even notice that the movie Starship Troopers was meant to be ironic. Anyway, brace for the best opener of any TV show ever.
Alien (1979)
Strong message that's not for anyone
Massive fan of the recent instalment 'Prometheus.' I can't watch the old Alien trilogy for political reasons. Let's cut to the chase: The 'Alien' franchise is about pregnancy. Because people who want to get pregnant should see how dark life giving is. If you're not meant to give life, it's more like death, really. The woman dies. The man dies over negligence. The baby grows up an orphan with two zombie parents. That's the reality. 'Alien' however isn't about zombies. It's about a crew on a space ship - that WANTS to die. It's actually even better in delivering the message. The crew sets out to explore an alien species that hedges eggs, drops acid that destroys walls and floors, and looks more animal than humanoid. The crew get infected and die. And that's the outcome of a pregnancy. Don't get pregnant. Easy. If you're considering getting pregnant, watch the Alien trilogy first. It's made for you, you idiot.
Star Trek: Deep Space Nine: The Sword of Kahless (1995)
We need better scripts
"The Sword of Kahless." Deep Space Nine always had this thing to instinctively pick boring plots, but not boring enough to quit watching the show. Always scratching the floor when it comes to excitement. DS9's crew has a Klingon on board now, so now girlfriend Jazdia has to join Worf on a quest for an ancient Klingon sword. We need to start talking inspiration for good scripts, now. See, it's God's Dad who inspires scripts. Not actually God himself. God's Dad calls himself "God," too. As long as there is no actual God, just yet. God's Dad inspired both Bibles, as an example. God's Dad is tiny. Those tiny electrons that circle around protons ? That's God's Dad. And those atoms as a whole hit a writer's heart, and inspire his brain to write it up. Hence God's Dad is also called "The Word." And that's what's evidently missing throughout the DS9 TV show. Inspiration through words. From the get-go. Even DS9's setting on a boring space station is uninspired. My advice is to find writers whose hearts function normally. Because guess what: Sooner or later there might be the real deal, the real God, that God not just hits but smashes your heart, and boring plots will then stick out as hate.
The Matrix Revolutions (2003)
Super, but the franchise has peaked at part 1
What kind of Sequel do you add to a franchise where the first movie ends on the note that everything is fiction ? Nothing is real ? Not possible, actually. And let's be honest, the first movie established that the real world in Matrix 1 in the (cool!) space ship didn't matter, either. At all. But that's where the Matrix sequels went. We have to explore the real world in the continued Matrix franchise now. And oohhh there is a threat, too. And oohhh Neo can bend reality of the real reality, too. That sounds more stupid than I found it when I watched this sequel. The robots with the soldiers inside look extremely cool (three stars just for those guys), the uns in general look very cool, the sequels didn't lose the it's-not-real spirit of part 1, and things feel genuinely at stake. I enjoyed it. (Both sequels.) However, to put this instalment on the same quality shelf as part 1, it would have had to add something that I didn't expect. Because part 1 in '99 really hit me hard, and by complete surprise, excitement, and fulfilment. Ancient Phoenicians had that kind of mindset, too, by the way. And it just so happens that I have, and am going to write more books about them. Their mindset. Maybe, my ideas can add to the fantastic franchise while retaining the spirit - too. Very watchable.
Pokémon: Detective Pikachu (2019)
Brain dead
When I left the cinema, I only remember someone had been trying surgery on my brain. Nothing else. Then some memories came back. An abysmal main actor who can only have been dead inside. A disgusting yellow pet. Oh, and the trailers, where people allegedly complained about Pikachu's eyes. Too small, or too big or something. I'm trying to imagine what goes on inside people who want to be part of this mess of a movie. And if you fell for this project, wouldn't you try to get a little bit more involved on set ? It's horrendous source material. Maybe shoot a few scenes that are a bit ironic ? Millennials ? Understand 'ironic' ? A Pikachu high on drugs. Like the music band 'Blood Hound Gang' did one music video. Just anything that says 'not dead.' This is the most 1) unimaginative, 2) ill-assembled and 3) boringly acted movie I ever watched (must have watched).
Split (2016)
Jaw drop
I've lived in Britain for eight years. The artistic talent of Brits, including small Brits ("children") is unbelievable, really. Speaking of which, if you'd like to see a young James McAvoy, then watch the UK version of TV show "Shameless" (not to be confused with the later US version). In this movie, McAvoy plays a mentally ill person who has a dozen different personalities. Spoiler, because it's so funny: He also has that one personality where he acts like a middle-aged, distanced lady. But I need to add one thing here because it's the root of all confusion in real life. It's the root of all psychopath behaviour. The root of all malintent against other fellow beings: too much money. Brits are loaded. They can't let go of that money and turn mad. I've seen all that. Not in Britain itself, but I've seen those mad Brits abroad. It's their money that turns Brits abroad insane. Insanely good movie, by the way.
The Man Who Killed Don Quixote (2018)
I like the idea a lot
I like the idea. I'm glad there are still production staff who appreciate a good source material. Long before I did! Read the plot of Don Quixote on Wikipedia! It's hilarious. And every 20 years, someone tries to get that plot on widescreen. Like I said, I would consider myself someone of the more recent fans, only a few weeks ago. I don't even understand why the plot is so funny: A bored wanna-be Chevalier declares the local lady in the butcher shop his royal maittresse, hires a numb guy as his valued servant, and demands that the restaurant owner declares the deliberately dilusional traveller a knight. Don Quixote creates an artificial environment around himself. And the idea is so unique. I've watched all Star Trek shows. No one ever tried that plot. I also watched that movie a few years ago when it came out, and it just wasn't memorable. I think we need to wait until that special person is born into that role that has been written hundreds of years ago. Maybe, the actors don't exist, yet. I believe I know most comedy actors on this planet. I can't imagine a single one of them playing that role. I can't even tell what those comedians would be lacking. Sarcasm ? Irony ? Humility ? Is there a Spanish thing I don't get ? I feel I do understand what the source material is trying to achieve. I don't remember that vibe from watching the movie. Good to see good taste, though.
Arrival (2016)
Who funded that movie ?
This movie has got to bottom my list of SciFi movies. Synopsis: At the centre of the movie is the first contact with an alien race, same as in 80s' Spielberg's 'Encounter of the Third Kind' (just as bad), and more recent 'First Contact' (with the same actress). How did that script touch any single movie studio to spend just one dollar ? Half of the movie revolves around the alien's ink letters in their language. They write on a window. The same spirit as in deciphering Egyptian hieroglyphs. Except Egyptologist GET paid to do that. As a viewer, I have to PAY to look at this boring event. I'm serious about this point. There are half a dozen Star Trek TV shows, one show being 60 years old. The uninspired plot of 'Arrival' wouldn't even have qualified for an afternoon TV show in the 1960s. The Star Trek makers never showed a just one episode among thousands of episodes that was this boring. And this is a widescreen flick. The actors look serious about this. If those same actors weren't equally boring in other movies, I would ask myself now what I'm missing here. But I'm not.
GoldenEye (1995)
Why ?
I like Secret Agent movies. I wish James Bond movies weren't so stupid. I swear I would remember every single one of them. They are shot for the wide screen and people are foreseeably paying fortunes to see them. And yet, the whole franchise is just stupid. Mission Impossible conversely is great. Not just the movies starring Tom Cruise. Mission Impossible was invented in the 1960s by the same guys who invented Star Trek. Those movies have clever plots, the script writers make an effort to flesh out credible secret service agents, and the aim becomes to NOT stick out. James Bond needs to stick out in every movie. Are the hot ladies systematically influential in getting foreign governments down ? James Bond acts like it. The Queen's prostitute. The ladies in this movie are very hot, admittedly. I recall their beauty - 30 - years on. Along with a lot of confusion. Why ?
The Spy Who Loved Me (1977)
Parallel World
Picture a world where Egypt is Hollywood. All modern movies are shot in Egypt, for hundreds of millions of Riads (is it ?). That's where our world was headed. In 19 hundred and 20! One hundred years ago! All the movie footage shot in 1920s (!) Egypt is on YouTube, and called 'Beirut.' They were trying to replicate Middle East's city Beirut in Egypt, and even sell it as Beirut! By the 1970s, the invaluable film sets in Egypt had been fifty years old, already. And how smooth they go into that James Bond movie: You'll cheaply jump between three continents, from Egypt: Africa, Asia (ME), and Europe. All the road signs are European. It's seamless. Indiana Jones movies pale before the range. The modern world could be revolving around Egypt. Imagine that. I'm as astonished as that heart warming toddler at the beach who spots James Bond's car emerging from the ocean.
Star Trek: The Next Generation: The Battle (1987)
TNG's Roads not Taken
The new Star Trek show - The Next Generation - could have explored Parallel Universes and different Times by now, like Rick and Morty and Doctor Who. It's not for the lack of scripts. This plot here e.g. Is great: The fierce Ferengi deliver Picard the U. S. S. Stargazer, an old ship he used to command. But generally speaking, the plots in season 1 & 2 weren't as good as they could have been. Compare TNG with Star Trek: Voyager a decade later. Voyager never slumped for entire seasons, with respect to excitement. I blame TNG's pilot episode "Encounter at Farpoint." The crew meet God ("Q") and continue to act like nothing happened. When Q introduces TNG to the robotic Borg hive a season later, the same crew act like it doesn't matter. There is something dark about TNG's crew that is sooo dark that it doesn't even surface. That ominous thing is simply missing. Picard's men are not real. That flagship crew is defined by "not caring." Things never matter. I believe the producers had a different show in mind at the start, but needed to adjust the script to the crew. The crew are stupid. They are only allowed simple-minded adventures following their ignorance. At least until season 4 when the Borg thin the Federation out by a few tens of thousands of lives.
Star Trek: The Next Generation: Redemption (1991)
Must watch (to feel right)
The Federation gets dragged into a civil war. Through the Captain of its flagship Enterprise. The captain who appointed a Klingons security officer of that flagship three seasons earlier. The first part of a double episode featuring a Klingon civil war. It's not a great double episode. The Borg in the cliffhanger a season earlier were an enemy more 'captivating.' So why the Klingons now ? Isn't that a step backwards ? Tension-wise ? Intellectually ? I reckon you would feel something is missing if the Federation didn't get dragged into Klingon politics. It's 'The Picard.' The captain of Starfleet's flagship. He HAS to carry that crew into one or another war against their will. The crew don't oppose him enough. The Picard means Death. He ignores God ("Q") in the very first episode, causes tens of thousands of staff to die during last year's Borg invasion, and appoints a Klingon the head of security. In the final episode, The Picard is going to turn mad. At some point along the way, the crew needs to be warned - along with tens of thousands staff in Starfleet - that Captain Ahab means Death. If you left out this kind of warning, the character Picard in all future episodes of this outstanding TV show would start to feel two-faced.
Man to Man with Dean Learner (2006)
Unwritten law ?
Nine stars because it's just a little less funny than the predecessor Garth Marenghi's Dark place. There is this episode about the social outcast 'Randolph Caer' that our makers put at the end of this sequel to Garth Marenghi. Throughout the show, weird guests, all played by that same Matt Holness get interviewed and patronised by Dean Lerner. The very final episode about the most extreme - and deceased - Randolph Caer was extremely funny already 20 years ago, but already gut wrenching then. And now post-covid I wonder: Do most people naturally assume that social outcasts must naturally take the COVID vaccine ? Is there an unwritten law that everyone takes for granted ? Ugly = you must inject meds into your healthy body ? Maybe that's why this final episode of this funny show felt sick to the stomach (albeit hilarious) already a good decade ahead of COVID. I'm absolutely wondering whether that unspellt law might drive people's unfair decisions, subconsciously.
Star Trek: The Next Generation: The Defector (1990)
Not good enough
Can you improve on the Romulans as a race ? I think you can. And I think you have to. See, I grew up with this instalment of Star Trek, The Next Generation in the 1980s. If you don't know the background of Star Trek, this idea of a plot sounds smart: A Romulan who defected from his trillion-strong empire. And the plot choice perfectly captures the nature of the Romulan race: Treason, politics and secrecy. Now, let's consider Star Trek's background to understand why I can only rate this episode a seven. The Romulans on television are already 25 years old. The episode isn't memorable. Because the central idea here isn't good enough: a defection. Recall the classic Star Trek episode where the Enterprise under Captain Kirk bumps into a cloaked Romulan vessel, for the first time ever. There is a very cool atmosphere of secrecy, tactics, politics, and 'let's not do any silly moves.' That episode is so memorable, and I didn't even live in the 1960s. TNG has to either really step up from here, or ignore that cool race. What I would have expected is e.g. Romulan spies among the Federation who quietly plan their exit ahead of the Borg invasion in season 3. Or a group of Romulans and Ferengi (they should mix like coffee and milk) doing dodgy business on Ferenginar. Or Romulan physicians who experiment on Borg drones, and deny eveything. There should be one well-paid Star Trek person somewhere on a Californian beach who does nothing but develop the Romulan IP, all his life. And every now and then, that fascination for the Romulan race turns into an episode. (Obviously, I would sacrifice myself for that role. If I have to.)
28 Days Later (2002)
Real
My favourite zombie rolling picture ever. And I'm not even a zombie fan. It feels very real. The acting. The scenery, the motorways of Manchester. The plot in which the military takes over. They could have included the police force, by the way. In the event of a zombie apocalypse, the police are very well organized, as well. Don't underestimate police for their stupidity and poor education. At the top of that organisation - in Manchester! - they are well organized. They would survive a zombie apocalypse and continue to harass zombies on the motorways. "Zombie-Sir, can you open that car boot for me ?" They'll go on with that attitude forever. Granted, police are not even watchable in a zombie apocalypse. Police are too horror for any movie. Anyway, that's what's not in the movie, for good measure. Police. In the movie, it's a small band of UK soldiers that made it. Eccleston plays a great baddie, here. And the great horror-tension tune in the background! I even downloaded that tune on i-tunes. Sometimes, in real life, people delve in good old memories when they reminisce about good old political systems, good old fast food restaurants, and good old holidays. However, if people start remembering meaningless or even bad occurrences as noteworthy, then their brains are rotting away. Prepare to let go of people who think pointless (or bad) memories were good. They'll cease to exist in front of your eyes, soon. Zombie 101.
Titanic (1943)
Origin of the movie's premise
During WW2, Germans spotted Brits and Irishmen departing from Amsterdam (Holland) into the new world, the US of A. It irritated those Germans, that the migrant ship left without safety vests, or any safety equipment, at all. The barge of the dead. They clearly set off to get themselves lost and die. In the movie, this irritation and interpretation translates into 1) a voyage along the North Pole, when the migrants could have taken the warm route South, 2) a collision with an iceberg in the middle of the ocean, and 3) passengers who prefer stock market gambling over safety. In fact, they seem to gamble away their lives. WW2 Germans would have naturally connected those dots. Brits are organizing their mass suicide, now. The Barge-of-the-Dead storyline mattered so much to Germans, because in 1940s, Germans and Brits were still best buddies. Where were the Brits leading them ? Into their death ?
Star Wars Resistance (2018)
Space Battles. Please
I like the show's concept of short episodes. What I would REALLY want: A cut of all the Star Wars space battles. As its own Star Wars show called 'space battles.' Star Wars CGI is great. I don't need those well paid actors. Unless the Jude Laws and Ewan McGregors pay that out of their own pockets. Which I don't know. My point is: I want CGI space battles. The Star Wars franchise is too stupid to show me anything else that I would appreciate. I don't even appreciate the dinosaur-like gigantic mammals. And I love dinosaurs. There is really no way Star Wars will ever please me except with CGI space battles. Go on, Disney. Provide me a supercut of all the space battles in all the 23 shows. And don't forget to include plenty of space battles in future shows. If Ewan McGregors and Jude Laws insist on dumping their private money in Star Wars, then make them sign a mandatory inclusion of space battles. Thanks.