Reviews
Prey (2022)
Inspired to write a review - in the worst possible way
The positive reviews for this film are either paid shills, or written by people who have just come out a coma, and are just happy to see moving pictures again.
Its terrible, I thought they couldn't ruin this franchise even more than they already have, but each film sinks lower that the last one. This one has sunk close to the Earth core.
Awful acting; the Comanche tribesmen seemed to think they were acting in a high school drama, though with the plot resembling one I shouldn't be surprised. Not a single character stood out in any way, they were all one dimensional cardboard cut outs.
Terrible score - the music from the original made the action scenes, in this travesty it underlined their ridiculousness.
Too many plot holes to go into, you got the glaringly obvious tiny girl taking out a 7 foot monster that can kill a bear, to the asinine way she uses the Predators helmet to kill it, as if its technology is really that dumb. I could go on for hours.
Awful cgi, which in unforgivable in this day and age, it looks worse than films 20 years ago. The creature design was sub par as well, how they managed to make the predator look so un-scary is almost impressive.
Finally we have the godawful ending, where she (already forgotten the name) throws the predator head into the village to show how great she is, and instead of them tribe going wtf is that?! They just start yelling and congratulating her, and then the shot of her dog, to show its ok, and everyone's happy. Yay! Like a frikkin cartoon ending.
Utterly, and totally pathetic filmmaking. The makers of this travesty should all be ashamed of this.
How It Ends (2018)
Absolute tosh
Incredibly amateur drivel that's half filmed in almost total darkness. Some decent actors are wasted by writers who've clearly wrote the characters in 10 minutes flat for a paycheck.
Tough ex-marine father in law? (Who is really a big softie of course) Check.
Devoted husband type? Check.
Helpless wife? Check.
Everyone else a lunatic nutjob? Check.
Seriously, within 2 days of the "event", 90% of the US population descend into mad max territory and start killing everyone else for no particular reason. Give the Americans some credit, that would take 2 weeks at least.
And then the abrupt non ending; its not clever, it's not mysterious, it's just plain lazy and immensely annoying. You can just see the crew going, "sod it lets go to the pub" and downing tools. Total insult of a film.
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008)
The most insulting film since Phantom Menace
I almost walked out of the cinema half way through this, I only stayed because I was hoping against hope that it might get slightly better. It actually got worse.
This is about a blatant a money grabbing exercise as you can get, it feels like no effort at all was put into the script, the farcical plot ripped off from Von Danikens stupid books, the lifeless characters....anything. Like the new and equally appalling Star Wars films, they seemed to have aimed this at kids who aren't old enough to recognize crap films when they see them. Again the over use of dodgy CGI ruins portions of the film, when will Lucas et al realize that CGI looks awful, and insults the audience when its not needed? Im not going to go into the many, many, things that are wrong with this film, I think the actual Crystal' skull sums it up perfectly. It looks like cheap plastic stuffed with clingfilm, a cheap copy churned out because the makers couldn't be bothered to do a better job. Just awful.
The Rock (1996)
Worst action film I've ever seen
Not idea why so many people seem to like this crap, its sucks on so many levels I want to punch the screen whenever I accidentally see a bit of it on TV.
Nick Cage - annoying whiny voice, totally unlikeable character and spews ridiculous one liners left right and centre.
Every character is a monumentally one dimensional stereotype, from the 'honourable' general and his loyal adjutant or whatever he is, the evil mercenaries, the oh so brave marines who try to storm Alcatraz, Connery's cynical yet good at heart SAS man, the list goes on. Its jingoistic bullshit in the extreme, and the lines they come out are cringe worthy.
The actual plot is so stupid I'd need about 50 pages to go into it properly; why the hell would Ed Harris go to all the trouble of stealing VX gas when a few normal bombs planted around the city would have the same effect(for blackmail anyway)? Why the hell would they set up on a ISLAND, letting everyone know where they are, so escape would be nigh on impossible? Its SO dumb, that it makes the film unwatchable. I could go on but wont.
The only redeeming factor in the whole thing is seeing Cage stab himself in the heart, if only the film ended there. Utter, utter sh*te.
Rome (2005)
Utter, utter 'cack'
This is total drivel from beginning to end, cringeworthy tripe thats you people should be ashamed of liking. The acting is atrocious bar one or two performances, the two leads in particular are about as convincing as Stallone would be if he tried Shakespeare.
Did anyone actually listen to the dialogue or were you all looking at the fancy costumes? It was like watching Eastenders in fancy dress!Forget the dodgy accents, you can put up with that if the script is good, but is was awful stilted unispired rubbish. With ridiculous colloquialisms thrown in, like "cack"! The two main characters couldn't act to save their lives, it was painful to watch them attempt to inject emotion into their performances, it was so bad I laughed out loud many a time.
Total crap.
Shang Hai tan: Shi san tai bao (1984)
No plot, rubbish sets, all in all not bad!
I have this on DVD from China, no dubbing, just the most hilarious subtitles I've seen, which bear no relevance to what the actors are saying whatsoever. I'm sure the person who wrote them did it on purpose, for their own amusement.
Anyway, the film itself: paper thin plot about some bad guys trying to kill someone and some good guys trying to stop them. Thats it. Cue the most over the top but entertaining fight scenes, extremely dodgy acting and sets made out of papier mache. This film actually had me in tears, laughing, some of it is so bad. However, the fight scenes are great and since this is what 90% of this film consists of, its worth watching. Especially as you have some famous actors like Ti Lung in it. One of those films you'll feel stupid for enjoying.
Starsky & Hutch (2004)
Great Film!
This film is a brilliant comedy, despite what some people say because they can't understand parody or subtlety. Other than some very funny scenes like the disco showdown, the Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson do the rest of the comedy with just facial expressions or the odd line which is a nice change from the usual in your face Hollywood comedies which treat you like an idiot. The costumes are hilariously over the top, and the car is just too good!
The story line is a little weak, but this is not your standard action film, it is more of a homage to the original series and the 70's in general and as such it does very well. Other plus points are the great soundtrack and those cheerleaders...
The Toxic Avenger (1984)
Bloody Great
This is a fantastic film, a perfect antidote to the usual pretentious sh**e America reels off. Although most Troma films are usually just crap, this is actually funny throughout; well I think so anyway.
I mean, how can you fail to laugh at the fight in the alleyway with the transvestite gangster and his buddies? And the restaurant scene? With the ridiculous Kung Fu moves? And the running over the kid scene? Note: this scene and others are cut from the normal UK version, get hold of the uncut version you can, it's a lot better.
A classic Troma, but give the sequels a wide berth.
Wu Lang ba gua gun (1984)
Martial Arts fans will want to marry this.
There is a god. His name is Gordon Liu. And his sisters 8th and 9th Yang are pretty foxy. This is a classic betrayed family eventually gets revenge story, and has some of the best pole fighting scenes I've ever seen.
The fight with the abbott when Gordon goes to save his sister has got to be up there with the best of them. True the acting is over the top, and the dubbing is rubbish, but this is what we expect from good martial arts films. It all adds to the experience. The end fight is mental, with Gordon taking on half the Mongol army before his monk buddies turn up with wooden wolves(?) to save the day. The last strike when Gordon whacks the bad guy head first into a coffin gives me a rush no matter how many times I see it. Awesome.
Only one thing confuses me - when he kills off the last Mongol, he walks off saying he `has no home now' leaving his sister standing there a bit bemused. Like me. Why the hell hasn't he got a home now? His family are waiting for him.