blurnieghey

The first movie of this series annoyed me, as do all movies of this nature. I grew up during the golden age of slasher flicks and my cinematic diet for most of my life has been mostly low-grade stupid trash, but this sort of movie does nothing for me. It's like a couple of junior high school kids stayed up late on a Friday night and wrote a premise for what they thought would be cool, gross horror movie and some adult found it in the trash and decided to flesh it out into a screenplay. No suspense, no fun, and defying even the most tolerant suspense of disbelief, this thing plods on until it's grisly conclusion and who cares? And they made another one of these things? It took me this long to bother with the second one, so let's see if I make it to part three. I'll give it some credit for upping the ante on shock value a little bit, but it was probably surpassed long before I bothered to watch this thing. Just more unimaginative, pointless trash in an age of pointless trash. Grownups will hate it and nitwits will love it.

If for some reason the very title "Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies" doesn't clue you in that you are about to watch a movie that sucks on an exceptional level, then simply look a little closer and notice that this movie was put out by The Asylum and, thus, dash whatever misguided optimism you may have harbored to pieces. Anyways, I'll get straight to the point: this movie sucks. It isn't so bad it's funny or, despite the ridiculous premise, posses anything unique to make it stand out from a thousand other cheap, generic zombie flicks. The acting is terrible, special effects are a joke, and I've seen better-looking fake beards and mustaches at Dollar Tree around Halloween time. While I want to believe that concepts like this get cooked up while to writer is stoned off his ass or messing with some sort of mind-altering substances, my only suggestion to these guys is to up the dose, because this thing was boring as hell and just about unwatchable. This movie is only to be watched if you are desperate for self-abuse or ran out of sleeping pills--it's a righteous stinker in every possible way and should be avoided like a zombie bite.

So, I took the bait and watched this flick and, in all fairness, while this movie more or less sucks, it is the sort of movie that probably would have entertained the hell out of me when I was like 14 or 15 years old or so, probably because it plays out like it was written by a 15-year-old. Come to think of it, Rutger Hauer was probably my favorite actor when I was that age, as well, so go figure. Basically, this is over-the-top violence for the sake of over-the-top violence, and it gets boring fast. I chucked a couple of times, but my big complaint about movies like this is that, while it is willfully stupid and doesn't take itself seriously, it is simultaneously conscious about being stupid and not serious, basically screaming, "Lookie! Lookie! See what a big, silly jerk of a movie I am!" at the audience for the entire duration. Yawn. I've seen movies even less imaginative than this that didn't annoy me half as much because they just set the schlock in front of you and assumed you had enough brains to do with it as you saw fit. It's a decent timewaster that I watched in the hopes it would put me to sleep, but it was retarded enough to hold my interest to the end, so I guess that's a plus, right? Like I said, kids would like this thing.