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SpecialAgentMaxwell
Reviews
The Champagne Gang (2006)
Champagne Gang was incredible!
Wow! I haven't seen a movie this good since Caligula! The lead actress (Lacey Toups for those not in the know) is a cut above the rest. It was very cool to see Forest Whitaker do something small and indie like this for a change. As for the story, if I didn't know any better, I would have thought Michael Mann had something to do with the script. Every single detail of the Gang's criminal enterprise is scrutinized under an incredibly watchful eye. It makes sense though. The Champagne Gang is based on a true story and it shows. The sense of reality is a prevailing feeling throughout the movie. This is a must-see and most definitely a must-own. Awesome!!!
Jack (1996)
Jack was Whack!
I've seen worse movies. Of course, they were black screens dubbed in languages I couldn't understand, broadcast on the concrete walls on my prison cell...and reversed. Jack was the kind of movie that makes you contemplate suicide. While it would be a permanent solution to a temporary problem, at least you would have died knowing you'd done something with your life...like avoiding this movie. My favorite part? When Robin Williams, in his star turn as the title character "Jack," purchases pornography, alcohol and tobacco for his ten-year-old comrades. I laughed myself silly thinking about Jack Palance doing one-armed push-ups at the Academy Awards(TM); at least that Jack didn't make me want to put a cigarette out on my eyeball. I would rather be a republican at a Barbara Streisand concert than ever see this movie again. I think, as Americans, we should urge our president to use this film at Gitmo, defending freedom and fightin' terra'. Don't mess with Texas!
Whacked! (2002)
Spra-Goo!
Whacked? is one of those movies that had the possibility to be the next Anaconda in terms of quality but simply came up short. The problems with the movie can not be readily explained but I have a sneaking sensation it might have something with most people's inability to look at the lantern jawed leads face for any extended period of time without wanting to immediately regurgitate the last seven days worth of stomach contents. On a brighter note, I talked with one of the crew members that worked on this Oscar-snubbed movie and they said that star Patrick Muldoon would constantly refer to Sprague St. in Spokane as Spra-Goo. I guess we know who failed English at Bayside High. Too busy stealing Kelly from Zach, right? Jerk!
Hulk (2003)
Uuummm...Not much to say, but here goes...
Well, a movie about repressed memories? I wish I could turn this movie into a repressed memory. Never have I seen one of my most revered comic properties bastardized into this crap. What the hell was up with the tree scene? Was this The Hulk or Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hulk? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! I almost hulked out and trashed the f#ck!ng theater that charged me .25 hours worth of work for this drivel. That's all I have to say about this. Now I have to call my therapist. Please don't make a Hulk 2. You don't know what you're doing. Don't do this. Bill Bixby rules!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Matrix Reloaded (2003)
Totally... Neo... Dude!
I thought this was a giant hog beast! Not a disgusting pig monster, your honor forgive me for my mistake. This movie totally hanged 10 on that gnarly curl, and it totally did not thrash the Galleria like Gehngis Khan. Oh well, the Duke of Ted would love this movie cause it's most excellent! I could touch it and taste it even though that totally lame devil dude said I couldn't. I sentence this movie to box office history, cause I'M A LAWYER AND THAT'S WHAT I DO!!!!!
K. R.
PS Most righteous!
American Psycho II: All American Girl (2002)
Why?
I know this comment area is for people that have seen the movie and I have not, but please let me say this. I will never see this movie because of two simple reasons. One, the first one was brilliant and I am pretty positive no one could ever match it's genius, and two, if anyone paid attention to the first movie (POSSIBLE SPOILERS) you would realize that every disgusting thing that Patrick Bateman did was ALL IN HIS HEAD. He didn't kill anyone so this girl can't be a victim! So therefore, American Psycho 2 is null and void. It's a cop out and a really pathetic attempt to (Cha-ching!) cash in on the old ones underground popularity. Don't watch it. Don't support it. The Hollywood hype machine must be stopped. The line must be drawn here! This far, no further!! Thanks.
Spider-Man (2002)
Better Than Darkman
Upon hearing that Sam "Xena" Raimi was directing the big screen treatment of Spider Hyphen Man, I was shocked. Of course I loved the Evil Dead series, but everything he's done since then has bit the big one. However I really did enjoy Spider Hyphen Man. It had some amazing action sequences and an okay plot which is all you can really ask for in a big summer movie. As for Mary Jane though, I just don't get why people think you have to be a damn supermodel to be in a movie like this. She was fine. Before I go I do have to vent two gripes...One, the CG used in certain scenes (i.e. when Peter goes after the robber) was a little too XBOX for me. And two, Mary Jane is a tramp! I lost count of how many boyfriens she mowed through. Overall though, very fun.
Highlander II: The Quickening (1991)
The best ever!
Close your eyes. Think. Think very hard. Let yourself slip into a deep trance. A deep, somber, almost hypnotic trance. Think of films that you have seen. Ask yourself, "What's the best film ever?" What's the answer? There can be only one.
Star Trek: The Next Generation (1987)
Amazing!
With the exception of the 60's series, Star Trek the Next Generation is the only other series worth watching. I'm going to keep my review short and just say that I'd rather watch even one of the worst episodes of TNG over any of the crap Rick Berman spewed onto my TV with Star Trek: Voyager or the visual depressant that was Sleep Space Nine. TNG rocks, the cast rocks (maybe not Wesely...fine.), and the storylines rock. Thanks for your time.
Rambo: First Blood Part II (1985)
RADICAL!!!
This is by far the greatest action movie that came out the week of May 25, 1985. I was literally blown away at Stallone's impressive performance as the stoic Rambo. In my mind, he is definitely NOT expendable. I also enjoyed the beautiful and talented Julia Nickson Soul as the never believable Vietnamese ally to Rambo. Her forced broken english was a film highlight. SPOILER ALERT! When her character dies in the movie, it is one of the most tragic death scenes in Hollywood history. Her death is such a blow to the movie audience because the filmmakers made a point to have us care so much about her character. As for Rambo, his constant internalized struggle is betrayed by Stallones beautifully subtexted performance. Never before has an actor delved so deep within a character and gave the audience such duality in a role. Or maybe...this just sucked.
The Mummy Returns (2001)
What?
Pretty fun movie...but as for the Scorpion King at the end, if you can't do a realistic computer effect yet-don't bother. It just leaves a bad taste in your mouth. And the kid.....the kid....uh, well, on second thought, maybe this wasn't that much fun.
Mission: Impossible II (2000)
Ugh.
What the hell? What happened in the car chase? Can you even call it a car chase? That entire scene was the basis for me wishing I had spent my $7.50 on something more entertaining...like a pair of wool socks. Cars don't do that! And when people are about to careen off a cliff they don't stare at each other in slow motion! AAAAAHHH!!!!! I want my money back! That reminds me, I rented Face/Off too. John Woo owes me $10.50. Plus tax.
Heat (1995)
Best Movie Ever! Way Better than Shoot to Kill Or Any Indiana Jones Movie
The most gripping action/drama ever conceived. The direction is flawless and the story is better than anything that has out of Hollywood in 25 years. A highly original movie that will keep you glued to the screen. Recommended to everyone...except Ethan. (He'll get that. He actually liked "Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace)