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Reviews
Don't Watch! (2024)
Much ado about nothing
Killer Influence is a new slasher horror film that does not commit to it's own conceit. It's a 81 minute movie, including credits, that has no kills or suspense until the last 15 minutes. Seriously, it's a movie about a group of friends talking and then someone tries to kill them at the end. The ONLY thing saving this film from absolute awfulness is it's editing. I'm not kidding. The editing is expert level in it's style and framing of boring scenes between friends talking. It's the only thing that kept me from checking out early. The acting is decent enough, but nothing happens that elicits more from them than the obvious cliches they play. It's a stale examination of the toxic relationships within friend groups. It never works on that level and again, the only thing that save this from a 2/10 was the editing.
Punch (2023)
A good looking but ultimately terrible slasher
I love the horror genre and have a passion for slasher films. It's my favorite genre of film and, as such, I try and watch every slasher that comes out, good or bad. Since I watch so many, there is usually a pretty good chance that what I am watching is terrible. The thing is though, I like bad horror films, especially slashers because they almost always have something to latch onto. Something like, "that moment was good" or "it looked competent" are common things I have to say about bad horror films. Unfortunately for Punch, only one of those fits.
The movie LOOKS great with airiel drone shots, some visual panache with its cinematography and kinetic camera movements that gives it a great production quality. Usually with bad movies, the camera seems to be stagnant with bad blocking and what-not, but aside from one bad looking shot, Punch is visually interesting.
That's the only good thing I can say about it though. The script is absolutely atrocious with a killer who quips countless corny lines in an otherwise serious film. Every single time we see them, they say some ridiculous pun or line while they are killing the victim. That wouldn't be a problem if the rest of the film were not played 100% straight.
The kills are almost universally lame with only a single decent one in the entire affair. Also, characters never react to someone being killed. There are several moments where two people are being attacked. One gets killed while the other just watches this happen and doesn't run away until the killer is finished with the first victim. This happens in various degrees no less than THREE times in the movie leaving me with the notion that no one actually wanted to live.
Without going into spoilers, the ending puts a cherry on top of the turd pie that was Punch. It makes absolutely zero sense. There is a point about 30 minutes from the end where something happens to a thrown away character. The problem is that there is another throwaway character we don't know in the background not reacting at all to the other ones death when they should be. This leads to a weird edit that was clearly done in the editing bay to atone for the clear blooper when making the movie. There is no other explanation for what happened. It would be like if you stole candy from a convenience store and the store owner sat still while you did so. Then as you are leaving the camera cuts to a close up of the owner nodding his head and giving a thumbs up. Seriously. That is exactly what happens in this movie but in a different situation.
It's one of those rare horror films whose single redeeming quality is the way it looks. 9/10 times a bad horror movies also looks bad. So I guess if you like crisp and clean visuals give it a shot but otherwise stay far away.
Guess Who (2024)
An Incoherent Mess
I just finished watching this on Tubi. It's about a man coming back home to visit his family, along with his wealthy fiancee. His family is super weird and his hometown takes part in a yearly ritual night of pranking. As bodies begin to appear, suspicions arise and secrets are laid bare.
Though unoriginal, it would have been okay as long as the film was made competently. Poorly made with below average acting, non existent cinematography, a lousy script and almost nothing of value beyond 2 decent kills.
It just makes zero sense and just continues to spiral out of control, completely blowing apart in the last act. None of the plot twists make even a little bit of sense. It's almost as if if the first half and last half were two different movies. The first half being a slasher and the 2nd being weird familial drama.
It was a major waste of time and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone.
It's a Wonderful Knife (2023)
How do you screw up the most basic of messages?
Did the filmmakers not understand the most basic construct of the "Scrooge Christmas" formula? A BAD person should learn their life isn't so bad. That's not this case with this movie. The protagonist literally killed a mass killer and is treated badly by everyone, including her parents. She gets a tracksuit while her brother gets a F250 truck and the movie wants you to think she is the bad one for pointing out the inequality in gifts. Her parents do not care that her best friend was killed or that she is the hero, they only want to forget everything. She is a victim, not a villain. Why does she need to learn a lesson? That single thing ruined the entire movie for me. She is literally the only normal acting person, yet we as an audience, are expected to view her as a pest in need of intervention. It's as bad as it sounds with the protagonist being happy her boyfriend hooked up with one of her friends because "you are perfect together". Seriously? This ahole cheated on you for a year but you are willing to rollover on it because your 24-hour experience made you seem selfish? This is a bad movie with even worse messages. Do not waste your time.
The point of the story should be a negative person being changed by kindness but that is not the case here. It's a story of a pushover being told being a pushover is good.
Night of the Hunted (2023)
A nihilistic and predictable thriller
I am a big fan isolation horror and really enjoy movies that take place in a single location. That is if the writing is good and the payoff is worth it. That was not the case with Night of the Hunted. A nihilistic, predictable and ultimately bland thriller set inside a gas station.
Without going into too much detail, the plot revolves around Alice, a selfish but resourceful pharma executive who gets attacked by a sniper while getting gas in the middle of the night.
What follows is a run of the mill cat and mouse thriller without any real original ideas. Alice is unlikable at best, though she does use some very clever ways of avoiding the shooter.
When you have an isolation horror movie like this, the script has to be really good and that is just not the case here. The movie never decides on what it wants to say. It's filled with philosophic monologues about trauma, personal loss, conspiracies and it just goes on and on and on. It's as if the writers couldn't decide which social issue they wanted to tackle, so they just tried to tackle all of them with vague conversations that go nowhere.
It's competently shot though generally uninteresting in it's cinematography. The acting is okay, with Camille Rowe giving a passable performance. The shooter was pretty bad all around with a monotone voice throughout that wears thin pretty quickly. It's not Keifer Sutherland, thats for sure.
One thing I did like about this movie was the practical effects. There didn't seem to be much CGI blood or gore, which is rare these days.
Quasi (2023)
It's Broken Lizard, whad'ya want.
I've always been a pretty big fan of Broken Lizard, going all the way back to Super Troopers, and since then have seen all of their films. My personal favorite is Club Dread, but I find them all to be fun, care-free movies. Quasi is no different. It's fun and care-free. There are a few really good gags and ad-libbed lines, with the expected great chemistry of its core group, each of whom take on multiple roles. Steve Lemme steals this one as the titular Quasimodo as well as the small role of a terrible jester who keeps getting punished in ridiculous ways. It's not a masterpiece, nor is it even a top 3-4 of BL, it's just nice to have fun with a movie that, at no point, takes itself seriously. I would put this one in line with Slammin Salmon in terms of actual laugh out loud moments, but there are so many small moments that, while not making me laugh, brought a smile to my face. If you like Broken Lizards previous films, you'll probably like this too, but if you didn't, you'll, honestly, hate it.
Scare Package II: Rad Chad's Revenge (2022)
A truly painful watching experience...
As someone who very much enjoyed Scare Package and thought it was a fun slice of irreverent horror parody with sparks of genius and truly funny gags, this is painful. I was incredibly excited today to see this drop on Shuder and had no idea it was even coming. I started it up and was almost immediately hit in the face with humor as subtle as a hammer. The setup for the first vignette is great, but then quickly devolves into super meta takedown on final girl tropes. This is done in the most hamfisted way possible with it ending in a literal lecture. The subject has been broached by several great films, but this one just falls so flat. The rest of this wretched sequel is just one scene after another of basement quality parody and terrible humor that constantly fails to deliver even a small smile. The jokes here are as witty as the ones in terrible parodies like Meet the Spartans, Disaster Movie and all that other similar trash. This is honestly the worst horror sequel since Feast 3 and is so bad, it even makes me question my take on the first film. I suggest staying far away from this one.
Christmas Bloody Christmas (2022)
Terrifier meets Silent Night but without the charm of either
Just finished watching this on Shudder. I have been starved for some new Christmas horror movies and was excited to see Christmas Bloody Christmas. It was disappointing to say the least. There is no plot or character development, the dialogue is random banter between friends and there have to be 2 f words every single sentence. This is most likely a sign that the script was adlib heavy and the actors used the cursing as a crutch for actual witty dialogue. The movie looks great, but large swathes of neon only go so far and by the end, the visual panache had worn thin. The gore is good when it occurs, which isn't as frequent as one would think a killer robot santa movie would have. Also, the entire movie is done self-serious and without any humor which makes the plot, or lack thereof, even more ridiculous. How do you have a serious killer robot santa?
There is zero character progression at all as the entire last half of the movie is yelling and cursing, whipping from one location to the next without rhyme or reason. I wouldn't recommend this one.
Terrifier 2 (2022)
Improves upon its predecessor in every way possible...except run time.
The entire film drips with style and tone in line the original Halloween, albeit much more depraved and violent. The music, cinematography, story and tone seemed to be heavily influenced and I kept seeing things that reminded me of the first time I saw that the original Halloween and when the mid credits scene hit, I knew I was on the right track as it's a quick and clear homage to Halloween 2. It is honesty quite impressive how closely they were able to resemble those 2 without feeling like derivative clones and although it was about 20 minutes too long, it improved upon its predecessor in practically every way possible.
Death Valley (2021)
What hath hell wrought? This dog fart of a movie.
Wow. I just finished watching this on Shudder and oh my word, was it bad. I honestly have not seen such a terrible movie in quite some time and I am usually quite generous with my ratings....but this POS, God. The only redeemable thing in the whole affair is the makeup effects of the monster. This is the only thing I can say that is positive.
Even if you are like me and can stomach a bad movie for killer effects and gore, this has none of that. Only a few people die very lame deaths.
Right after it started I couldn't believe how badly editied, written and acted what I was watching was that I started this list of things I found dumb. Halfway through I stopped because I had filled any entire page in word. Here are the highlights in the dialogue catagory:
"My only good quality is that I am good in bed!"
"You can be mad at me when we get home!"-"That's if we get home."
"Let's hope I know how to read a map."-said by a career special forces guy.
"She broke up with me because I am too good at sex"
"Sometimes to beat the monster, you have to become the monster"
Again, these are just a few of the pearls in this heap.
Within 30 seconds of starting the mission, the good guys run into a random dude with a metal detector literally instantly blowing their cover. We are introduced to the location via flyover, shown the two guys and after trading a single line of dialogue, run into the guy. Oh and then they tie him up and leave, and a minute later there is a shot of the metal detector guys cuffs on the ground meaning he got free and then the two good guys, now 6 guys for some reason, start getting shelled. They arrive, get spotted and then are attacked in about two minutes....until they kill the one metal detector guy and magically all the fighting stops. Even though they were being shelled and shot at by multiple attackers.
There was a, what I guess was supposed to be cool, slow-mo shot of the main character having a mortar go off a foot in front of his face and it just hurts his ears a little. You know, like real life.
After the fight, one of the soldiers immediately recommends leaving a wounded guy behind and while they don't, they completely forget to properly check another wounded guy who is left behind and killed.
What a turd.
Slumber Party Massacre (2021)
A fun gender-bender that, for the most part, works.
This remake has got some great gore/makeup effects and plenty of references to the original and while it does sometimes cross the line from self-aware to straight parody, it does enough to be successful. The story is pretty solid and the acting/writing is what you'd expect from a modern remake of an exploitation movie. Overall much better than I thought it would be. You should avoid it if you are sensitive flake who can't handle jokes about masculinity.
Metal Shop Masters (2021)
You like Forged in Fire but wish the judges were a-holes for no reason?
My wife and I love these kind of crafting shows. We watch and love everything from Forged in Fire to Great Pottery Challenge to Blown Away and Face Off.
The skill level and actual building on display are all great, but it's impossible to get past the two judges are are honestly the meanest and most disparaging people imaginable. Having those two people ruins literally everything else.
Superhost (2021)
Whad'ya mean protect yourself? I'll just die.
Superhost has a great set up and really nails the concept until the final 30 minutes when it becomes clear the 2 protagonists are LITERALLY incapable of defending themselves against a single 5'2 woman, who of which only has a knife. It's not like she has a gun. She has a knife. The only conclusion I came to was that they wanted to die. Thats the only way 2 young able-bodied people would just let themselves she killed.
Dark Ride (2006)
Incredibly stupid, poorly written, badly acted yet some fun
Yes. This is a poorly made movie with bad acting, characters, dialogue and the most mundane directing imaginable, but.... It's one of those that's good in a bad way. It's definitely a good one to watch while drunk or high with friends. There is some really good practical gore effects and plenty of 80's slasher camp clichés.
4/10 because no matter how good a bad movie is, it's still bad and should be scored as such. If this weren't fun in any way, it would easily be a 2.
The Night Sitter (2018)
A beautifully shot and sophisticated supernatural slow-burn
This is the first time I've felt the need to write an actual review. The user reviews, right now at 4.9, blow my mind.
If you are reading this, you probably have already read the description of this movie and that's all you need to know going in. This is a slow-burn through and through and if you go into with this in mind, I believe you will thoroughly enjoy it.
The film is stunningly shot, with beautiful Christmas reds and greens as well as blues permeating seemingly every frame. The score is very reminiscent of 80's thrillers and was easy to get into, especially in and around the climax of the film.
If you like Christmas horror, witches, spells and have patience, then you will get something out of this movie.