Reviews

Clearly everyone involved is yet to find their calling, as it's definitely not in filmmaking. There's no shame in going back to college to learn a trade, work in a coffee shop, or telesales. Be a criminal for all I care, just stay away from movies.

It's on right now, I'm so bored and underwhelmed I am typing whilst the awful script, story no one cares about, and cheap looking cgi chug on in the background. They just didn't even try to make it entertaining.

Annoyingly far fetched non-enjoyable violence against women nonsense. It has more plot holes than Russell Crowe's had hot dinners & boasts one of the worst one-liners ever seen in cinema. I did kinda stop watching half way as it was getting embarrassing.

Boring & annoying in equal measure, even the desaturated colour annoys me. James Wan shouldn't be allowed to direct traffic let alone Lin Shaye. I'm guessing at one point Wan saw the stage production of The Woman in Black, because he stole its best bits....

Nice jungle monster flick that finally explains those alien abductions. Generous of the film makers to include Lawrence Fishburnes character, providing a welcome break from the entertainment so you can go to the toilet, get a drink or discuss what happened to Topher Grace!!

An OK watch despite being confused, disappointing & no fun. It's a vehicle for comedy with no laughs & a horror about horror but with no horror. If Cabin in the woods was too challenging, this could be the film you've been looking for!

They Didn't look far before making this homage to zombie cinema, they're not ashamed though, a cartoon Simon Pegg's in the credits so they knew what they were doing. I'm sceptical of Brit/comedy-horror, but this wasn't, & I'm choosing my words carefully here, not awful.

Initially a hate letter to the French, with some questionable acting and camera work, this turns into a DeathWishStrawDogs blood fest that will make you glad you stuck with it. Interestingly although I'm against the death penalty, I would also really enjoy killing the teenagers in this movie.

The multi billion movie industry is built on the backs of dream weavers like this. They had an idea & ran with it, despite clearly having never seen a movie before. Did lack of talent, ideas or technical ability stop them ? Hell no.

Very much of its time with dated cgi & terrible sports metal over the credits. It's enjoyable enough, made by the guy who did 13 Ghosts & basically the same thing. The real horror here is that Mudvayne sold over 6 million records worldwide. File under scooby doo.

Naff, unnecessary but still fun with ropey effects & some terrible acting. It says based on the book, but it's obviously not, & besides the added social media, it's such a faithful remake of DePalmas vision, I was half expecting to see split screen during the prom scene. Not sure this was necessary.

Cliche ridden zombie terror. Exhilarating & bloody, it's a terrifying fight for your life from the flesh eating undead. It's the journey from hell but still a better service than we get in the UK. I'd fight for my life if trains ran on time & you got a seat.

Listed under 'horror' but actually a confused & boring teen dramedy complete w/ OC soundtrack & an ending that really makes you regret scrolling on your phone for 90 minutes waiting for something to happen. Spoiler alert: it doesn't.

You want to like it cause it's Nic Cage but the Filmmakers lacked the skills to make it funny, shocking, or thrilling enough. It wasn't Nic's fault, & I would cut him some slack, it's a pay day & he's recently had another wedding to pay for. Avoid.

It's just the sheer arrogance that anyone thought this formulaic garbage was good enough that people spend their hard earned money on. Of course as I've never been involved in film making it's easy to judge...... it's also fun. I hope the producers hate themselves.

Gripping chase-down in which people generally get the treatment they deserve. Plus, it's subtitled so you get the bonus of feeling smug & cultured for watching a basic thriller. Well done, you basically just read a book.

There's something wholesome and comforting about this. The cheap blurry look of the film, the police chiefs toupee & the struggling farm / young love sub plot feels like The Waltons or Gilmore Girls, but with a cool monster on the loose who eats body parts.

First & only decent outing of the heavily milked franchise & more relevant than ever after the year we've had...It's the right to bear arms & kill anyone who looks at you funny. There's a 5th movie in the pipeline, but haven't we suffered enough?

Good looking, well made & acted, and with genuine tension, but watching a man in his 30s deliver toe curling vlogger dialogue is hard to sit through. If you get through the first 30 mins, well done, & yes, it is the ending you guessed earlier!

Soldiers take refuge in a farmhouse to avoid being eaten, in what felt like the best episode of Emmerdale ever. I guess shaky-cam & quick editing was used to hide the limitations of the still very impressive werewolves, this gem has zero plot & better for it.

Whilst this hasn't put me off mountains, kidnap, or even Scotland, it has put me off spending any time with Melissa George. After Amityville, Triangle & 30 days of night, she's clearly cursed, & her friends die ALL THE TIME !

Art the supernatural psycho clown is a breath of fresh air. Sure, torture the old fashioned way, but when cornered, use a gun, plus, he can text !! He saws a woman in half at one point, but what are you Art, a clown or a magician, you can't be both!

Jump scares cheapen the worst episode of America's Funniest Home Videos ever seen. Ethan Hawke is reliably solid, but a strong start descends into nonsense. It has bad child acting w/ crap make-up & easily one of the worst endings ever seen in a horror.

Clunky dialogue, ridiculous yet still boring set pieces, and Tom Cruise is cringe inducing as the long wafty haired saviour. Every plot twist is reliant on access to masks that are so perfect and indistinguishable from that person, that they even sweat and bleed, where's Tom's bag of every villains face just in case he needs it ??. John Woo can't direct, and in a fight, who stands there whilst someone runs at you and telegraphs their Kung fu. Not sure why I'm giving it 3, but it's good to ridicule when in good company.