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ketarel
Reviews
Amityville: Vanishing Point (2016)
Amityville: Lowering the bar
I've made a point of seeing every "Amityville" movie. To date; not only is this the worst Amityville movie I've seen, but also the worst movie I've seen.
Dylan Mars Greenberg has lowered the bar as to what I must consider a "1 star" film to be. Now when I watch a Steven Seagal movie, I think "well it was way better than that dull, disjointed heap of crap "Amityville:Vanishing Point", so I guess I have to give it 2 stars"
Rarely will I say that something is utterly not worth watching, but this "movie" is so indescribably stupid and boring you're better off having a stranger spit into your nose than wasting your time with this aneurysm inducing drivel.
0/10, and may God have mercy on your soul.
A Brilliant Monster (2018)
lackluster at best
There's an old film adage "show, don't tell". This film disregards that completely, instead constantly telling, reiterating, and showing almost nothing.
As others have said, this is not a horror film... more like a drama-thriller.
The characters are comically cliché, it's like the script was written by an AI.
With a ~90min runtime, this film feels incredibly padded. We frequently get these slow motion scenes that hold on characters for way, way too long, and the acting is borderline terrible (though the script doesn't exactly give them much to work with).
The soundtrack is constantly beating you over the head trying to tell you how you should be feeling, and in conjunction with these drawn out scenes and bizarre overacting it felt like a parody at times.
Everything about this movie is just weird and bad. Why ultra-widescreen? What's with the janky camera effects? ..and the lighting? ..and over-the-top stock sound effects?? Why any of this?!?!
I suspect the 10/10 reviews were left by friends and family of people that worked on the movie, or they're being painfully sarcastic. Now that I'm reading them again, probably the latter.
This film might be fun rip on with some friends while drinking (heavily), but other than that you'll probably want to avoid it.
Children of Sin (2022)
Meh
I don't know what film these other reviewers watched, but Children of Sin was mostly just boring. Jo-Ann Robinson was great, but most everyone else... was not. The first act sets up a cliche but promising premise, the second act drags on forever, the third act kinda stumbles around for a while, and the last ~5 minutes were alright.
This film isn't terrible, it doesn't cross the line into so-bad-it's-good, it's just kinda boring, which is the one thing a movie shouldn't be.
Amityville Vampire (2021)
Don't waste your time
I've seen just about every Amityville movie (20+) and this one of the worst. Like the majority of the "Amityville" movies, this has virtually nothing to do with the Amityville house.. there's just a short throwaway scene at the beginning of the film that references it. And that's fine, I've come to expect that from Amityville movies.. but that aside this film is not worth watching at all. It's bad, and not the fun kind of bad, the boring kind where you start looking around the room while it's on because the discoloured spot on your wall is more interesting. The acting is terrible, cinematography was awkward and gross, sound was all over the place, the writing was tedious at best. Don't waste your time with "Amityville Vampire", it's virtually unwatchable; it will literally repel your attention.
Spring (2014)
Not a horror film.
I went into this thinking it was a horror romance sci-fi, in that order. It's actually a drama romance supernatural type thing. First half of the movie was great, then it kinda drags on, then drags on some more, and then it ends. The characters were well written and their interactions with each other felt organic and interesting.. but all of that falls apart in the third act when the main character, Evan, becomes an obnoxious whiner and that drags on until the end of the film. I want to like this movie.. the special effects were great, the acting was good, the cinematography was good, I didn't really notice the score so I guess that means it was fine.. but overall it seems like there was a lot of missed potential here, and the ending was painfully anticlimactic.
Tabernacle 101 (2019)
Dollar Store Neil Breen
I few "so bad it's good" moments brought this up to a 2/10. Fun to watch once with friends, while drinking. Zero rewatchability, and generally just terrible otherwise.