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Reviews
Necropolis (1986)
Great punchline.
You really need to watch right to the end, when he says "I thought you were dead" and she says... well, she says a really unintentionally funny punchline after all that you have just watched.
To be fair to the cast, some of them give their all; but, they are just copying better performances of, even by then, hackneyed tropes from the days of black 'n white and the code.
The film is a not so much a story, as a vague idea for a type of villain. It's not a bad idea for a villain. In fact had it been written a thousand times better and executed well, they could have made a movie as just a sequence of genuinely horrifying scenes and the flimsiest of plots and it would have been fine.
As it stands, all I will remember of the film is someone making lengthy sexual suggestions more boringly than if she were the shipping forecast man giving a discourse on telephone directory listings.
Timelock (1996)
Besides, the ship won't fly without this!
This film is not merely watchable, it's genuinely entertaining. It has its flaws. It has many many flaws. It's like someone brought a bag of flaws into the cinema, opened it with too much gusto, and they went EVERYWHERE!
But, like stormtroopers, all of them miss and none of them matter. Despite the best efforts of those flaws, this film is not just watchable, but genuinely entertaining.
All of the actors can act. Not only that, but all of them can act with, at least, a modicum of screen presence; something you almost never see in post-milennial B-movies. Each one is a character acting and each scene is a character comedy vignette. They never quite manage to be laugh out loud funny; but, crucially, they are engaging, and they are able to create convincing chemistry between their characters. It's a solid six.
Duck Patrol (1998)
Lazy rubbish with an all-star cast
I remember aTV guide of the time trying to big duck patrol up before the first episode. Oddly, the same critiques made a big thing of praising the guy who commissioned it for being visionary. I read it, and found the discussion of the commisioner very odd, indeed.
This series mistook depiction of cameraderie for comedy. There was no comedy.
You probably won't have seen the Japanese psychedelic horror comedy Hausu, if you are reading this; so, I will, instead compare it to the Weetabix. The characters were like the weerabix gang: Brian, Dunk, Bixie, Crunch, and Brains. The characters names were descriptions of their single distinguishing character trait. I wish you were the kind of people who have probably watched Hausu - it's a better analogy.
Like the weetabix gang, you, the viewer, are supposed to watch it, half wishing that you too were part of their gang. I watched it as long as I could stand, wishing the stuff that happens in Hausu would happen to them.
Please ignore the good reviews. Most people who saw any of this godawful travesty take thd view that it isn't worth reviewing. Unfortunately, that just leaves utterly misleading eave reviews.
Is This a Joke? (2011)
Oh come on! I mean, surely?!
Clearly, this is a bunch of people who know each other from being on the stand up circuit of some small town. They, clearly, couldn't say no to any comic on the circuit who got wind of the project and asked if they could be in it. The comedy is in watching them try not to corpse when they think about the punchline before the end of the joke. Make sure you've watched something good already, and that you are drunk, suddenly, and it becomes a 3.5, which I am rounding up to a 4, out of inebriated generosity.
Jaws: The Revenge (1987)
Finally, a director who doesn't lose sight of the endpoint
The Jaws franchise is - or should have been - the greatest cinematic hillbilly family feud of all time. Sadly, the three prequels were ruined by glory-seeking amateurs, so focused on their own little vanity project, that they forgot that their one job was to set us up for the main event. Sargent, soldiers on bravely, here; but, without the groundwork, it just seems too much of a reach.
Okay, joking aside, I won't try to sell you on this movie on its merits. It really doesn't have any. But, I will sell some of you on this movie. Firstly, it makes a great cheesey double bill with Bula Quo. Secondly, there is the been there, done that, got the T-shirt aspect - although, admittedly, not as good as a T-shirt that says "Nilbog Milk" on it. Thirdly, even if you decide not to watch it, just be glad it exists. Be glad it exists for the same reason why you're glad that the final two episodes of the Prisoner exist. Be glad it exists for the same reason you are glad that the finale of Game of Thrones exist. Be glad for the simple pleasure of knowing that there are people out there who are looking forward to watching it, and they have some high expectations. Just enjoy the schadenfreude of it all.
I knew I would convince you.
Dýrið (2021)
How is this not rated much higher?
A very imaginative piece of cinema, in every way. Great acting from the human cast and from the animals. Great atmosphere and flow of mood changes.
Not great CGI. But, not terrible either - it looks more of a let down than it really is, only because, by contrast, every (non-CGI) scene change opening shot is very carefully thought out and beautifully arranged.
The story is nicely original and self-consistent, if a little different (but, different is good, right?).
I would advise to watch without reading anything about if beforehand. There are some good disturbing aspects that will stay with you for a long time. And, that is because this movie is constructed as an artwork, from top to bottom. Forget just watching a film - you are also looking at art - so, treat it like you are walking around a gallery looking at exhibits.
To say that it leaves you with many questions would be wrong (or, at least, many questions that you can't, almost immediately answer). But, it does leave you with one question: did they believe this was some kind of unexplicable miracle or had known of something he had been getting up to that led them to believe that this may have been a natural consequence of that action?