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Asteroid (2021)
It's really not that bad
I didn't have high expectations of this, and equally I hadn't read that it's also a comedy. So I was nicely surprised when I was drawn into the story, the characters, and was served up some funny scenes. In fact, I had to check on its writeup when I found myself laughing at odd bits. It's not a masterpiece, the acting and writing aren't Emmy material, but for a Friday night movie after the pub closes it's fine. I watched it as a freeby on Amazon. I'm not sure I'd want to have paid for it, but you can do a whole lot worse. Give it a go. Couple of cans, couple of mates, and some undemanding entertainment.
A Very Royal Scandal (2024)
More of a tabloid presentation
The first thing I need to complain about is the cinematography. For some reason the film is presented in a letterbox format, so we have black bars above and below the picture. The other thing, certainly in the first episode, is that many of the scenes are made in darkness. Maybe it's intentional, but it really makes it hard to see what's going on. Not well lit.
So far as the acting is concerned, as usual, Michael Sheen inhabits the character of Andrew very well. Not a nice man, we're led to believe.
Emily Maitlis, played by Ruth Wilson, is also believable, though we don't really get an in-depth understanding of her character. She also has adopted a weird kind of accent, a cross between Miranda Hart and Maggie Thatcher.
The Widow (2019)
1 Star Trip Advisor advert for a DRC Visit
Really well-put-together thriller/drama, with excellent characterisation and performances. Satisfying multi-stranded stories which connect at the end. But I have to say that the threat of impending danger which permeates the story in the DRC has put me off visiting there. Ever. Who wants a holiday whilst being constantly on the lookout for kidnap, violence, theft and murder? The only possible place that could be worse would be the USA, where they love their guns just as much. But apart from that, this is a binge-worthy drama, and Kate Beckinsale et Al make it work brilliantly. Currently free on Prime.
The Golden Cobra: All Good Here (2024)
Not Funny At All
If this is supposed to rub shoulders with the proven brilliance of other 'Adult' cartoons like Family Guy... it doesn't. Not even close.
The script is probably generated by AI. It's not remotely funny, the plot is super-thin, and it's 14 minute running time per episode is long enough to go and boil the kettle in the kitchen. Maybe the added F-bombs are designed to make it edgy, but it's really just filler.
Whoever commissioned this drivel needs to ask themselves what they think they're doing wasting money like this. Do yourself a big favour, and no matter how pissed you are coming in from the pub, switch over and watch American Dad... or anything really. Just not this.
Lord of Misrule (2023)
Annoyingly unbalanced
What spoils stories like this is the portrayal that 'spirits' have the same level of power as God.
The vicar doesn't seem to have much confidence in the God she's supposed to represent, and the protagonist appears to be superior in nastiness in every way. It gives the impression that if you have greater 'faith' in evil than someone has 'faith' in God, then that 'bad' faith will dominate.
But it's not the amount of faith each has, but who that faith is in. And in comparison to some antlered nasty spirit, there is no contest with the creator of the universe. So the film already presents itself as unbalanced. It just doesn't present anything that could ever be entertained as true.
Nicely filmed. But ultimately nonsensical and illogical.
The Beekeeper (2024)
Statham with a funny accent
One of the criticisms levelled at Status Quo was that they were a band who created a career on just one song. Same with Statham. He plays the same character with the same need for a tube of Strepsils in every film he's in. This time he has a really bad accent as well. He's always very fighty as you probably know only too well, which just about sums up the entire story. Semi-Transatlantic fightiness. That anybody can actually behave like this in the real world is actually beyond credibility. So it's therefore literally incredibly fightily badly spoken. And, of course, the distinguishing mark is that he keeps bees.
Little Dixie (2023)
No idea
So there's Doc. I have no idea if he's a goodie or a baddie, but he does horrible things to people. Then his daughter gets kidnapped. So he's the goodie? But then he goes and kills more people. By this time I don't care at all. No character development, no understandable storyline. Then he threatens the kidnapper that if they lay a finger on his kid he'll kill them. But he kills everyone anyway. Then there are tranny singers. Still no idea what's going on. Ooooh, and people drop the f-bomd three times every syllable. Everybody Doc runs in to gets shot in the head. Doc's still looking for his daughter. Is it the end yet?
Don't Let the Devil In (2016)
Bizarre
Well this is a weird little film. The acting is stilted throughout, the conversations sounding unusual and forced. The whole screenplay is broken into pieces, with little vignettes of moody landscapes, and a constant soundtrack of doomy noises. Whether all this is designed to be unsettling, I'm not sure, but the overall impact is that it's impossible to get any kind of emotional involvement with the main characters at all. And with the constant weird noises from the get-go, far from building tension, it just normalises it. On the whole, even though I watched the whole thing hoping it would all of a sudden make sense, I was left with the impression it wasn't a story worth telling.
Margaux (2022)
Literally painful
OK, right from the off I'm rooting for The House.
Given the sheer annoyingness of the teens heading for a break... the constant vocal fry of the girls who sound like a lake of frogs... and given the spoiler in the first 3 minutes as to what 'Margaux' is capable of... I'd really like to see every one of the ensemble gathered in one room and despatched as gruesomely and quickly as possible.
Then I'd crack open a bottle of bubbly, high five Margaux, and it'd be tea and medals, and everyone home for an early night.
Teenagers who mimic frogs, and embrace up speak as if they're being tentative about even the most trivial things, deserve all that they get. Just a shame you have to wait for the film to drag on.
The Belko Experiment (2016)
Largely pointless
This isn't badly acted, and if you're into graphic violence, then it'll tick that box. But in terms of a valid story, it's vacuous.
We don't get to care about any of the characters. There's no purpose to their deaths apart from a kind of 'Lord Of The Flies' vibe, which William Golding did far, far better.
In the end it just seemed to be an excuse to watch some heads exploding, and innocent people being executed without cost.
The denouement about it being a 'social experiment' seems like a cheap excuse for the previous hour and a half's carnage, but ultimately I was left feeling almost entirely unsatisfied, and don't feel it deserves more than a 3 for the blood and guts.
Indestructible: Afterlife (2018)
What? The? Actual?
He can squeeze people's HEADS! He can survive gunshot wounds to HIS OWN HEAD! He can't deliver dialogue any more realistically that any of the other characters. He's a tiny, reincarnated Ronnie James Dio, but without any talent. Now he's squeezing another head and the film has suddenly gone greyscale. Now his eyes are orange to show he's a bit crazy. Now he's stabbing a lady in the eye with a pencil FOR NO REASON AT ALL. Now he just got all cross with a bearded man and killed him by pushing him very hard against a door. How this film scores a 7 must mean that a) every single viewer is a 60s acid casualty or b) they were watching something entirely different. This is a Terrible Film. Just... Terrible.
Christmas Bloody Christmas (2022)
I'm for Santa
What a deeply unpleasant bunch of people inhabit this town. Pretty much every single character can't complete a single sentence without punctuating it with the f-bomb several times a syllable. Their interaction with each of their companions gives the word 'shallow' new depths of meaning. And when the Robot Santa begins his reign of axe-fuelled mayhem, you find yourself hoping that every one of the cast are gathered in one room so the slaughter will be quick and thorough, and we can present Robot Santa with a well-earned cup of tea and a medal for rescuing us from such a vacuous bunch of idiots.
Pearl (2022)
X-cellent
Although this was written after X, and was intended to be the backstory of Pearl, I think it exceeded X in every way.
Mia Goth is an absolute find, and inhabited her character with absolute belief and conviction. The character development was relentless, and by the end, her monlogue just left me transfixed.
Although there is less gore that X, and considerably less sex, we were left with the unmistakable feeling that we knew something about Pearl's demons.
The film is beautifully shot.
I was left feeling that I'd watched artists at the top of their game. Pity that X doesn't have the same impact, but if you just watch one film this month, watch this. 9/10.
Halloween (2007)
Nope
I'd never seen this release. I can't actually believe it's scored so high, as basically it's just an hour 40 of stabbing and screaming. Stabbing. Screaming. More stabbing. In the end I just turned it off as I didn't really care whether the protagonist or victims lived or not. A couple of the murders were taken from the original film (being stabbed up a wall and left), but it had none of the dread and menace of the first film. As this was made 15 years ago, anybody who was ever interested in Halloween movies will probably have already seen it. But just in case you haven't, do yourself a favour and simply rewatch the original. It's better in every way.
Blackbird (2022)
So bad it's ... bad
OK, I've watched this so that you don't need to.
Rather than review this on here, I'd encourage you to chase up Mark Kermode's rant. Not only is Kermode on sparkling, witty form, but he also tells you all that you need to know about why you shouldn't watch this. And let me just qualify that: ever.
Kermode said: "It's not just bad - it's eye-wateringly awful. There are scenes in this that Tommy Wiseau, who made The Room, would have said, 'I'm sorry, that's actually not up to snuff - we're going to have to take that out ... This is not cinema; this is something so staggeringly self-regarding. I've seen a lot of very bad performances, but this is in a stratosphere of his own."
This review doesn't contain spoilers, because they would add nothing to what is already spoiled beyond repair.
Yellowstone (2018)
Sweeping character-driven drama
Is it acted well? Check. Is it beautifully shot? Check. Is it a story that draws you in? Again, check. It should have everything going for it. My one problem is that I'm not drawn sympathetically to one character. Not one. That doesn't make it bad by any means. It just means I have to search for reasons to keep watching, because were they all to die in a plane crash... it wouldn't be a loss,
Tipping Point (2012)
Slow down, Ben!
I like this show. I like the format.
Just slow down, Ben. You talk so fast the one word just melts into the next, and before you know it yougettotheendofthesentencebeforeIcanhearyouproperly. It's just rude, and I can't hear that fast!
Lingo (2021)
Adil Ray just ruins it
Adil Ray's mechanical, maniacal delivery just ruins an otherwise decent game show.
His over-the-top laughter at the most mundane of comments, his entirely samey presentation, down to the same phrasing show after show ... his artificially trying to ramp up the tension as the show proceeds ... makes this almost unwatchable.
Do yourself a favour, ITV, get someone half-decent instead.
Superhost (2021)
Annoying
Why don't they just beat the shizz out of her at the first chance? I'd just be very cross. Instead, the two main characters seem to have no intention of putting up a fight. Stupid is as stupid does.
Last Man Down (2021)
No
Flippin'eck, you'd think all the men in this had two brain cells each. One brain cell was out to lunch and the other one had gone looking for it. They can barely communicate beyond breathy grunts, and have the vocabulary of a struggling eight year old. Lots of moody staring into broken mirrors. It's a shambles, but that's being unfair to shambles.
The Babysitter (2020)
Erm ...
So, in virtually the first shot we see an aircraft landing, supposedly in the USA. Clearly it's a Ryanair plane. The idea that you could fly Ryanair for a trans-Atlantic crossing, and would actually PAY to do so, even though Ryanair don't cross the Atlantic, is to stretch the imagination much too far. It's bad enough flying local. You're welcome.
Staging Christmas (2019)
Forgettable.
It's OK.
But you know when you see one thing in a movie and it really grinds your gears ... and once you've seen it you can't unsee it?
It's Soleil Moon Frye's neck. The way she walks/talks/sits ... it's constantly bent over on one side. I'm sure it's *supposed* to look alluring, but all it succeeds in doing is give the impression that she needs to be fitted with a neck brace, because she's lost all muscle-tone in one side of her neck.
Stop it, Soleil. Just ... stop it.
Good Morning Christmas! (2020)
Hard to justify the high score
The story is unremarkable, and the protagonists don't really have a tangible chemistry. The acting's OK, the script's OK. It just didn't give me the feels.
Falling for Christmas (2021)
Like a million others
I actually turned this on half way through the film, which probably precludes me from an objective assessment.
However, having watched the second half of the movie, I'm very glad that I didn't watch the first half.
Watch Tom & Jerry for 10 minutes. It's a whole lot better.
Paranormal Activity: Next of Kin (2021)
Not like the franchise
I thought this was dull and predictable. The acting's OK, but it just turns into a monster movie with a shallow plot. I wasn't convinced by the reasoning behind the story, and there were too many over-used ideas to make it original in any way.