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The Knight Before Christmas (2019)
Like being force fed a bucketful of sugar.
I walked in on this appalling effort this afternoon as my wife was watching it on Netflix. I saw maybe the last 45 minutes or so.
I now have Type 2 diabetes.
Hubie Halloween (2020)
What the **** was that?
Normally I think that Mr Sandler is treated a little unfairly by the critics, but this time......
Sorry Adam, but couldn't even make it through the trailer - it looked that bad.
The VelociPastor (2018)
One of cinema's great screenplays.
Let's be honest, any movie that features the lines 'Crikey! It's the Dragon Warrior!' and 'It's a good job that ninja told us where their hideout is before he died' has got to deserve ten stars.
Pointless (2009)
Spot on, Mr Fry.
Stephen Fry described 'Pointless' as 'the greatest show in the history of television' - and who am I to argue with him?
Aquaman (2018)
Saved by the sfx.......
As the title of my review suggests, Aquaman is saved from being a 2 star film by the effects, which while sometimes being a bit OTT, are the best I've seen in a DC movie - not in the same league as Marvel of course, but a step on from previous DC offerings. The real problems lie with the hackneyed story (hero returns to his people, overthrows evil brother, takes his rightful place on the throne, blah, blah, blah), and the daytime-soap acting - yes, Amber Heard, I'm looking at you. (A tip for you Ms Heard, don't ever share a screen with Nicole Kidman again - you've done it once now and it did you no favours). Against these two deal-breakers the mediocre script and odd soundtrack somehow fade into insignificance, leaving the viewer feeling decidedly 'meh', which is arguably the cruellest indictment of all.
Despite my opinion though, I'm sure a sequel will appear, and having seen the post-credits scene I'm pretty certain what the storyline will be - I just won't be watching it.
Happy Family (2017)
Disappointing doesn't even come close.....
This movie was pushed mercilessly on Sky TV as essentially the greatest exercise in animation in recent years. Well, guess what - it isn't. Nowhere near. The animation would have been great in the early nineties, the voice acting redefined the phrase 'phoned in', and the musical score was just plain annoying. Avoid.
Alien Convergence (2017)
Even by Asylum standards.......
Ordinarily I am amongst the first to defend Asylum films from the 'worst film ever made' brigade, citing their tiny budgets and tight schedules, however even I am struggling to make any sort of case for this effort.
For a start, the plot line requiring all the main characters to have some sort of disability seems a bit tenuous, to say the least. I can honestly say this is the only movie I've seen in which the primary protagonists are respectively in a wheelchair, on crutches, and have only one hand (or more accurately, has one very long sleeve). One can only wonder if the script-writers didn't also have a disability - word- blindness. The forced banality of the screenplay is exceeded only by the all around garbageness of the sfx. (I'm sure the cgi flying monsters were recycled from another Asylum movie.....Dragon Crusaders perhaps?) And don't get me started on the acting......
Sorry Asylum, but there's no excuse for this kind of dross - and that's coming from someone who thought Operation Dunkirk was a decent flick.
Must do better next time!
Ardennes Fury (2014)
Properly good Asylum fare.
Of the two previous reviews of this movie, one is semi-literate and the other slates the film on the basis of historical accuracy. Therefore the first should brush up on their language skills, and the other should get a life. This is a work of fiction, not a documentary. Of course it's historically inaccurate - it was made on a tiny budget in next to no time to cash in on the contemporary release of a similarly titled movie starring a certain Mr. Pitt. The charm of Ardennes Fury lies not in its accurate depiction of events, but in its sense of almost honest naiveté in respect of modern film making techniques. Yes, the battle scenes could probably use more than two tanks, and maybe the actors won't be bothering the Academy Awards judging panels anytime soon, but they were obviously having fun, and more importantly doing their best. The movie boasted a simple storyline, proper 'goodies' and 'baddies', and enough ingenuity to convince you that Alabama really was the Belgian woodlands.
There will be a lot of garbage written about this movie by people who completely miss the point of it - it's not meant to be taken seriously, it's a kick-back, brain-out-of-gear, enjoy-watching-the-Nazis-get-splattered 90 minutes of entertainment. It delivers what it promises, which is more than many films manage to do these days.
Bermuda Tentacles (2014)
Oh dear...........
Straight off the bat I must confess to only watching the first 52 minutes of this movie before I had to relieve the agony by sticking red-hot needles in my eyes. This movie is both puzzling and depressing in equal measure. Why do Messrs. Rimawi and Latt appear in the opening credits, yet there is no mention of The Asylum? Why does Linda Hamilton appear? (I'm assuming that post-divorce from James Cameron she doesn't need the money). Why has she lost all acting ability? She's the same age as me, so why does she now look about 103? (Sorry Linda, but it's the truth). Why didn't the producers spend the money on a well-scripted and acted story rather than blow it on 3rd rate CGI and dodgy sets? I don't know the answer to any of these, but I do know that I found the experience of watching this movie to be quite saddening. Apart from the disappointment of seeing one of your cinema heroines being reduced to this dross, the very fact that films as bad as this continue to see the light of day engenders a sense of ennui akin to that felt when contemplating the end of mankind.
This movie's plot and the quality (or otherwise) of the lighting, music etc. are irrelevant in this case. The overall sense of crapness drowns out any potentially less than awful aspect of the film. Go and watch some paint dry, or some grass grow, or just gouge your eyes out - any of these are preferable to watching Bermuda Tentacles.
The Singer Takes It All (2014)
Please.........just kill me now.
The quality of light entertainment on British TV ha s been on a downward spiral for years, so the appearance of such a dreadful offering should really come as no surprise.'The Singer Takes It All' drags our reality/talent TV down to the same miserable level as America's redneck-rubbish 'I Wanna Marry Harry' - that is the most damning indictment I can think of at present. Hosted by the awful Alan Carr, a man with all the warmth and charm of sour milk, the show sees wannabe hopefuls paraded on a moving conveyor belt the direction of which is ostensibly determined by viewers operating a mobile phone app. Carr is assisted in his humiliation of these poor souls by some character called Rob Beckett, who allegedly is a comedian, although I saw no evidence of this. All this takes place beneath moving images of a disembodied mouth (imaginatively referred to as 'Lips'), the purpose of which seems to be to encourage Carr to further lower the tone of an already pretty down-market show.
This is television designed to appeal to the lowest common denominator- those who read the Daily Sport and aspire for their children to be the next Katie Price or Joey Essex. If you want a glimpse of where this kind of thing is leading us, seek out the movie 'Idiocracy' - 'Ow My Balls' is surely just around the corner.
Hercules Reborn (2014)
The Asylum ups the ante.........somewhat.
Giving the lead role in any film to a WWE wrestler is never normally a great idea, unless you're The Asylum, in which case it actually adds to the movie's credibility. In fairness, John Hennigan (or Morrison according to the DVD cover) makes a pretty good Hercules by micro-budget standards, certainly a lot better than Kellan Lutz (really!) did in one of the movies of which this is a rip-off. In fact, this is one of The Asylum's better efforts of late, and a very far cry from their nadir offerings such as 'Dragon Crusaders' and the truly abysmal 'Attila'. The studio's well-publicised maximum budget of $1m looks like it might have been stretched to the limit on this one - the sets, costumes etc. were certainly better than one has come to expect from this particular outfit, it's just a pity the same can't be said for the casting and acting, which for the most part was, well, a bit odd. On the plus side however, the camera work and editing was probably the best I have seen in an Asylum film.
A real curate's egg this one - Asylum fans like me will recognise and celebrate the good bits, while the usual 'worst film ever made' merchants will regurgitate the same old tired criticisms. I suggest you follow my advice - open a bottle, switch off your brain, and just enjoy watching a drunken Hercules body-slam half a dozen Greek soldiers. What could be more fun?
Godzilla (2014)
Bloody Brilliant!
On the way to see this, I told my son that if it wasn't the greatest movie in the history of film I would burn down the cinema. Well, it's not the greatest movie in the history of film (that accolade is still reserved for the late Tony Scott's 'Unstoppable'), but the cinema is still intact and completely un-charred.
People who see this movie will be split into two groups: those who have seen Gareth Edwards' directorial debut 'Monsters' (the minority), and those that haven't. Those that have will be delighted that all his early promise and potential has been realised in such an impressive manner. How many other directors could render a 300 feet tall plasma- breathing monster so as to elicit such sympathy and support from the audience, or, as my son put it: 'He made Godzilla subtle'. Those that haven't seen 'Monsters' - well, you're missing a treat. And as for those complaining that Godzilla didn't feature enough, remember that sometimes less is more.
In conclusion, this is a bloody brilliant film, which, after the abortions that were 'Prometheus' and 'Pacific Rim', has restored my faith in the big-budget blockbuster.
AE: Apocalypse Earth (2013)
Asylum doing what it does best.
Every time the Asylum releases a new movie, some pseudo film 'expert' declares it to be 'the worst movie ever made', 'scraping the bottom of the barrel', or some other such derogatory garbage. Well, none of these comments are true - what about the 50's B- Movies in which the alien was a man in a gorilla suit with a diving helmet on his head? Or 'Run For Your Wife'?
The truth is that the Asylum is expert at extracting the most movie from the least money, and no film illustrates this more than AE Apocalypse Earth. In 90 minutes it draws from Predator, Avatar and After Earth, utilising a decent lead man (Adrian Paul), passable CGI, exotic locations, and far from the worst script and direction I've seen, all for a budget not exceeding $1m.
Sure, it's never going to win any awards, and is best regarded as a 'Saturday night after a few drinks' kind of movie, but let's put an end to this Asylum-bashing. Let's see you do better!
(And remember this - the Asylum has never lost money on a movie. How many other studios can say that? I suspect none.)
Vikings: Invasion (2014)
The excellence continues........
Notwithstanding the historical accuracy of this series being open to debate (see other reviews), the consistent sky-high quality of every aspect of this show never fails to excite and impress.
Once again, events take some unexpected twists as the saga continues, opening up new vistas for the Vikings' trademark violence, lust and political intrigue. Travis Fimmel's menacing portrayal of Ragnar leaves you very ambivalent - is he your best friend, your closest ally, or your worst enemy? Or none of these, but something else again? Will the attempted conquest of Wessex bring out the warrior or the diplomat in him?
Superb casting, acting, script and locations all conspire to create a series that is more than a match for any of the current crop of fantasy series, qualities that show no signs of diminishing.