Change Your Image
lomticks_of_toast
Reviews
Alita: Battle Angel (2019)
first half decent, second half hogwash
If you suddenly awoke with your head detached from your body and instead attached to cyborg scrap, do you think you might have a strong reaction? I would. You would. One of the main characters in this film does not. He simply decides to go climb the big cable to the big floating city in the sky. Egad.
The first half of this film was interesting, seemingly well written, and paced appropriately. The second half was an abysmal mess. Did the writer quit halfway through the film? Did they run out of GB on their digital cameras and have to rush the plot to "finish" the film?
Too cliched, too poorly written, and too little emotional connection and impact.
Sous la Seine (2024)
I read a review that this was a great shark movie...
The review was wrong.
This is a very silly, stupid movie. I wasn't expecting anything too realistic based on the premise, but it actually started out taking the subject matter seriously. Then it introduces a series of extremely annoying characters and everything went to crap very quickly.
When there are overly aggressive, killer shark(s) in the water, what's the one place to avoid?
When there's a crisis at hand, where can you find a cartoonish, 1-dimensional politician to enable absolute idiocy?
I will give this flick a lot of credit for ending the life of the annoying "Save the shark!" character in dramatic fashion. I was hoping that would happen and this film subverted my expectations by making it happen, so thumbs up on that one point.
Honestly, how do films like this garner reviewer praise and rise into the Netflix Top 10?
Monster (2004)
not the masterpiece I was expecting
As many other reviewers have noted, Monster is ambitious and (mostly) realistic. It delves into interesting issues (life and death, philosophy, nature vs. Nurture, etc.) and there are several moments throughout the 74 episodes that are genuinely tense and exciting.
However, the series is simply too long and takes too many detours. While this increases the realism (if a Johan-like master manipulator and mass murderer was actually running around the country, multiple parties would become aware and start looking for him), some of the side stories are too long and ultimately lack a proper payoff (e.g. The entire Schuwald arc, which essentially goes nowhere...why? Because Johan happens upon a book, in a gigantic library, which affected his childhood and life perspective!).
The biggest issue, however, is how slowly Johan's past and formation are revealed. Moreover, some of it is not revealed well, and you have to stay on your toes to catch clues which are only mentioned once very early in the series. With 74 episodes and some of those sleep-inducing, it's very difficult to get the whole story.
And ultimately, the explanation for why Johan turned into a monster, and why Bonaparta was a monster as well, is...lacking. I was expecting some major reveal and mind-bending revelation. There are reveals and revelation, but none of them are massive and none of them really make sense in the realistic world that Monster exists in.
Disappointing, and a labor to get through.
Rare Exports (2010)
no idea how this gets such strong reviews
We were gifted 3 months of Amazon Prime, and I've spent a lot of time looking for some decent flicks. For the most part, I've failed. While series like "The Boys" are excellent, the movie selection is severely lacking in quality.
I found this one on a "Best Amazon Prime Free Horror Movies" list. I quickly glanced at IMDB and saw lots of positive reviews, albeit a mediocre overall score. I thought I'd give it a chance.
Besides the poor acting by the main boy, and the lack of story progression, I stuck with it to the end, wherein the old man is revealed to simply be one of Santa's elves. So where is the real Santa? Turns out he's a 4-story tall monster with giant horns, encased in ice in a warehouse. The elves are trying to thaw him out. So the protagonists insert sticks of dynamite in the ice block and...blow Santa up. Well, first they cut off his horns, then they blow him up. That's it. Santa never makes an appearance, just his geriatric naked, dirty man elves.
I could go on and on, but just do yourself a favor - skip this. It's not worth the watch.
Ong-Bak (2003)
Cool martial arts...everything else is terrible
The martial arts in this film are second-to-none and seem much less choreographed than in similar films (although our hero tends to rely on the Macho Man-like flying elbow drop a bit too often). Similarly, there's a chase scene (on foot) which displays some awesome stunts.
Beyond that, the film is utter rubbish. The story/plot is terrible, the dialogue is terrible, the acting is terrible, and the sound quality is worse than I get on my home video camera. I'll also say that the musical choices for the action scenes are, well, ODD.
Last but not least, let me say that the lead girl's (I believe her name is Muay) voice is absolutely grating. She spends most of the film yelling in the shrillest pitch I've heard since Hillary Clinton's latest press conference shriek-fest. I actually muted the film whenever she was on screen.
Monster Man (2003)
I was expecting garbage
This was on Showtime the other night, and I figured it was going to be another made-for-video crap fest, like "Earth vs. the Spider" or any of those other HBO horror shorts. Instead, I found a comedy/gore classic. It was legitimately funny, and surprisingly, the acting was quite good. Even my wife, an overall horror-hater, agreed and was laughing at parts. In addition, the FX were high-quality.
Overall, the film felt like a parody of Joy Ride/Jeepers Creepers, and the 2 main characters reminded me of the pair from Shaun of the Dead. Definitely worth watching, but don't take it seriously.
The End.
Cabin Fever (2002)
improper treatment of the subject
3/10
Spoilers Herein
I wanted to see this for a while... Seems like a big split on this one - half of us think this film is rubbish, half think it is a wonderful revitalization of the genre.
For me, the only interesting scene was when Dennis the Pancake Kid started going all chop-socky on Bert. It's the only scene I feel like watching again - I was laughing so hard I almost fell out of my chair. As a result, everyone I've described this film to now refers to it as "The Pancake Movie."
The gore is well-done, but not particularly shocking or disturbing (it's no "Ice From the Sun", but then again, it's not a low-budget independent film, either). The acting is OK given the weak dialog.
The biggest problem: THE STORY. It doesn't create any sense of fear/tension or paranoia.
Here's how I would've re-written the script: 5 kids enter a cabin in the forest. There's a flesh-eating virus out there somewhere, which they quickly discover when they find several rotting forest creatures/people. The problem is, no one knows the source of the disease. Is it the water? Do you get it from transfer of infected blood? Is it in the air? A food source? A bite from an infected animal? Etc. The kids are trapped in the area (for some reason I'd have to make up - like some hicks steal their car and they're 20 miles from the nearest town) and start going crazy wondering who is sick, creating a growing paranoia. In the end, they turn on each other and kill each other one by one. None of them actually HAS the virus, but they're so scared of getting it they go nuts. Then, when only one kid is left, he/she befalls some unfortunate accident and gets infected, and we finally find out what the source of the virus is. Now wouldn't that be better?
Instead, we get a dog who eats people (huh?), trigger-happy cops, etc... if you want to watch a decent, recent horror film in a rural setting, check out Wrong Turn instead.
Hulk (2003)
yeesh
3/10
I gave Spiderman 4/10, so I had to go one notch lower for this one. I actually thought the effects were better in Hulk than in Spidey, but overall the movie was just LONG and DULL and inferior. I enjoyed the helicopter battle out in the desert, but everything else was just boring. I'm all for character development (which I felt Spiderman was completely lacking), but there is little or none of it here. Just endless, droning dialogue.
I don't think enough was made of the fact that as he gets more angry, the Hulk gets more powerful. I've read that the Hulk once lifted an entire mountain, but here he just plays with tanks and has trouble killing a few mutant dogs. When I think Hulk, I guess I just think bigger. Like Hulk vs. 200 tanks, not 3 or 4. Or Hulk vs. a squadron of fighter jets, not just 2 or 3. Too bad.
Ice from the Sun (1999)
ugh
3/10 (single viewing)
I bought this DVD after a long search for the ultimate in film depravity, and boy did I get it.
About a year ago I went on a mission to seek out just how dark and horrifying film can be. I did this for reasons I don't fully understand, although I've been a long-time (mostly mainstream) horror film fan and believe most of the junk coming out of Hollywood these days is terrible. Basically, I wanted to become a sort of detective like Nicholas Cage's character in "8mm", who was searching for a lost girl and, in order to locate her, had to begin an extensive investigation of underground "snuff" films, delving into its sick and twisted incarnations...
My search led me to films (most of which I have not seen yet) like "Begotten", "Clean, Shaven", "Cannibal Holocaust", "Scrapbook", "I Pi$$ on Your Corpse, I Spit on Your Grave", "Man Behind the Sun", "Nekromantic", etc. Anyhow, I skipped these films and was attracted to Ice From the Sun because it sounded like it had a more interesting plot (and "Scrapbook" in particular seemed too intense based on some reviews I'd read).
I viewed the DVD only once and have since gotten rid of it. Utterly vile, as I expected. But my criticisms have to do with sound and story quality. Unfortunately, the sound quality is horrible and I had trouble adjusting the volume level during several scenes. More importantly, however, I just don't feel like the story was told well. Parts of the film made me very uncomfortable, but other parts were just plain silly and goofy.
**Spoilers Below!!!**
During one segment, a character is running through the woods while another guy is digging a grave. He just runs around for a few minutes, going nowhere, repeatedly coming across the grave-site. I nearly fell out of my chair laughing it was so corny. Another segment has a vain girl transformed into a dog and sitting in a carnival booth while people laugh at her; only at the end of this segment when a shotgun is put to her head did I feel a twinge of disgust/fear. Another segment has a character leading 2 girls around on leashes, sitting in an empty theater, eating fried chicken. Each of these segments tried to represent base fears of the various characters but just came across as, well, stupid.
I will admit, however, to feeling very uncomfortable during the truck-dragging sequence. The use of sound (or lack of it) in this segment was what made it truly horrifying to me, and also the lack of emotion on the face of the guy driving the truck, like he was just going down to the local 7-11 for a Slurpee...although I feel it could have been better if we hadn't seen the victim afterward, perhaps just her feet. Also, the worm-mouth/self-operation segment was sickening and well filmed. I wish the rest of the film had been presented this well.
Overall, if you want to see something vile, check this out. Just be ready to wrestle with the audio and sitting through a rather long film, with the disturbing segments separated by some rather corny segments.
Ghosts of Mars (2001)
a higgledy-biggledy good time
Score: 8/10 for a fun B-film
This movie is horrible, and I love it. Generally speaking, I am not a fan of B-films. This particular flick, along with Anaconda (another Ice Cube gem - "There's snakes out there this big?!") are the only 2 B-films I really ENJOY watching and will watch repeatedly (hey - they're "free" with HBO!). I watch Anaconda for the terrible acting, dialogue, and laughs and Ghosts of Mars for the laughs, action, and most of all, the generic, repetitive thrash music.
I'm a huge fan of most of Carpenter's other works, most of all Big Trouble in Little China, They Live, and the under-appreciated Prince of Darkness ("Father!"). But this one holds a special place. In a movie world full of excruciatingly bad CGI sets/characters/special effects, Carpenter goes "old school" with Ghosts and I appreciate it. Not to say there isn't any CGI (the flying saw blades chopping off heads "pops" to mind), but for the most part it consists of good makeup effects, real explosions, and lots of guns blasting.
Highlight of the film: the characters make for the train station. They arrive and realize the train isn't there. Ice Cube's character, in a moment of 100% B-film authenticity, suggests they try, "Plan B...what we should have done in the first place." I turn my 5-speaker surround sound way up while he runs back into the square blasting bad guys and the music starts riffing. I always laugh my butt off at this point while my wife groans (if she's in the house - she usually leaves during the viewing of this film). It's just so perfect with the music. By the way, the same music rolls during the ending credits, which is therefore my 2nd favorite part of the film.
One complaint I have concerning the film centers on the aforementioned de-nogginizing. How am I supposed to believe that someone, be they zombie-ghost or Arnold Schwarzenegger (see Commando) can throw a circular saw blade hard enough to chop someone's arm/head/scalp off? What a joke. This part almost ruined the film for me.
I'm looking forward to Ghosts of Mars II: Thrash-Metal Attack.
Spider-Man (2002)
totally over-rated
Grade: 4/10
I've now seen this film approximately 30 times, and every time it comes on HBO I watch it, hoping I will like it more than during the previous viewing. Alas, that is not the case.
This film can be viewed as 2 separate parts: Peter Parker and Spiderman. The Peter Parker portions (say that 3 times real fast) are far and away the superior portion of the film. I enjoyed Peter's interactions with Mary Jane - Maguire pulls off the shy, nerdy kid really well. However, his relationship with Norman Osborn (Dafoe) always felt rushed and silly. Osborn tells him at the end, "I've been like a father to you." Huh? When did that happen, exactly? They have perhaps 3 conversations throughout the film and they're very brief and businesslike. I can't really imagine their relationship growing off-screen, either.
Another rush-job was Uncle Ben's death. Peter gets about 1 minute to see his uncle die. This could have been a very emotional moment in the film but I felt nothing, since their relationship wasn't explored enough, either. I guess it's excusable since the film was already very long, but Peter's relationship with Uncle Ben is what gives birth to Spiderman as we know him, so it should have been highlighted more. I should mention, however, that the champion of goof, Mr. Stan Lee, has his Spiderman "tag-line" appear far too often throughout the film, "With great power comes great responsibility." By the 3rd time I heard this I just groaned. How melodramatic.
Then we come to the 2nd part of the film, the Spiderman portion. At first everything's great as Peter learns to use his new powers. Unfortunately, it quickly transforms into a goofy-looking cartoon. I can understand CGI when Spidey is swinging through the streets of NY, but why must we suffer it during street-fight scenes? Spidey hops and floats around like he's 4 feet tall and fighting on the moon (is he related to Yoda or Gollum?). No matter how good CGI gets (and it's NOT good, in my opinion, except with junk like spaceships), one thing the effects folks haven't figured out is realistic human dynamic movement and GRAVITY. Perhaps, however, Raimi wanted Spidey to look like he had jelly-legs with springs inside...but I believe a talented gymnast and some well-choreographed rope-work (see for example the Matrix, but not crud like Charlie's Angels or Romeo Must Die - terrible rope work) would've looked a lot better, say, when Spidey fights off the punks trying to mug Mary Jane in the alley.
Last, we come to the Green Goblin, perhaps the corniest villain ever devised (second only to John Travolta's role as Terl in Battlefield Earth?). Everyone raves about Dafoe (and I personally enjoyed him in American Psycho), but he blows it here. Sad to say I liked Nicholson as the Joker better than Dafoe as the Goblin. The Goblin's dialogue is CHEESE, even to a five-year old. Dafoe is much more effective in his Norman Osborn role, when he's talking to himself/the Goblin. Also, his suit is ultra-goofy (designed for the military?!?! How about Cirque de Soleil?) and the fact that the mouth on his mask is fixed made me feel like the Goblin's dialogue was overdubbed (maybe it was). The overall effect is just plain silly.
I'm looking forward to Spidey 2, but alas, it looks like the effects will be no better. Oh, well, there's always Spidey 3, 4, 5...
Dawn of the Dead (2004)
fun
This film was fun (8/10). Lots of big plot holes, but overall an enjoyable experience if you prefer adventure-horror vs. straight-up horror, like me. Being a HUGE fan of the original, I tried to "leave it outside the theater" and approach this as an entirely new film, but of course that's impossible.
~~Spoilers~~
Two plot points (among several) which I did NOT care for:
1. If the route to the mall was so clear at first, why did only a handful of people make it there for refuge? I'll assume they all headed for other "safe-havens", like the church or fort. 2. What was the deal with the head in the cooler during the ending credits? Who put it in there, and why (and what happened to them)? Made no sense to me.
One main plot point that I didn't like was that there was very little time devoted to securing the mall/barricading. Basically, the characters checked the doors to make sure they were locked and from that point on the mall was secure. I guess I didn't realize mall door glass was indestructible when you've got 1000 zombies pushing/pounding on it...also, what about the glass smashed by our survivors to enter the mall in the first place? Did they immediately patch it up? Preparing a stronghold has always been my favorite part of zombie films (see NOTLD, DawnOTD, ReturnOTLD, and even the film Demon Night, as examples) and there was virtually none of it here. And am I supposed to believe there was only one set of 2 elevators in the entire mall? No stairs?!?! I bring this up because there were a few zombies on the 1st floor in the beginning, but they seemed to make no effort to find the 3 security guards upstairs...
Also, the film devoted very little time to showing the breakdown of society (although, thankfully, more than the disappointing 28 Days Later). The original's periodic television broadcasts gave you the feeling there were other people out there trying to survive, as well as give you some limited info on the status outside the mall and the phenomenon in general. When the broadcasts end about 3/4 into the original film, it was a powerful way to illustrate the hopelessness of the situation. For all we know in THIS film, these are the very last people alive. We hope not, we assume not, but we have no way of knowing.
I enjoyed CJ's character a lot. At first, I thought, "Oh, great. A cliche character who thinks he's tough but is the most cowardly of the bunch - he's going to pull a Miguel (see Day of the Dead) and screw everything up." But I was thankfully wrong. It was nice to see this sort of character "grow" as the film progressed. Plus, by the end he was just funny and "cool".
All these complaints aside, I look forward to getting the DVD and adding this one to my Zombie Film Collection.
Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989)
over-rated!
OK, folks, listen up - I love Indiana Jones, but this third film was a disaster. I can't count on one hand the number of editing/continuity errors in this movie. Like when Indy is dangling from the strap of his trusty sidepack from the tank turret...how did that happen? Why doesn't he just swing out? Why, after the tank turns, is he all of a sudden able to just hop up and free himself? Ridiculous. They really phoned in this entire production.
But the worst part: the boat chase. There's a couple clowns trying to torch Indy and his woman. So Indy chases them down, almost getting killed multiple times. We see the world's worst stunt double, some 80 year old guy with gray hair who looks nothing like Harrison Ford, jump onto the enemy's boat and threaten to kill one guy. And then...what? They drop him off on shore? What was the point of that entire act?
Thumbs up to Sean Connery, but why make Sallah (John Rhys-Davies) and Marcus complete imbeciles in this film when they were competent in the first episode? MORONIC! 5/10