LokyraMac

Argylle (2024)

People are missing the point

The movie was seriously amazing.

You know all those dumb action movies we love so much where the hero does stupid-physics stuff that shows how badass they are and we're all like, "Yeah of course that works, he's "Big Name Action Hero"

Argylle is that, but for the feminine gaze.

This is what happened when "Jennifer's Body" came out, and everyone was judging it as a horror comedy for the straight male. Of course it ranked poorly, it wasn't SUPPOSED to be that. It was a horror comedy for the feminine gaze.

Argylle was not made for straight male gaze ranking, despite having been made by men. This movie has the required glamour and explosions and gunfights, but it also has iceskating and dance scenes galore. Though I'm fairly certain Sam Rockwell has a standard rider saying he must have a certain minimum time allotment of dancing per movie.

Amina (2021)

Enjoyable Cinema

The story was loosely based on real events and people.

I enjoyed it quite a bit, and will recommend it to people who enjoy warrior queens, adventures into history, and cultures that don't get enough play in western mainstream media.

It was obviously very low budget, and suffered for that. The acting ability varied wildly, as did the fight choreography.

My biggest complaint was they tried to shove 15 years into the movie, and the story suffered as a result. Character development was left by the wayside, as were noticeable chunks of story and transitions. There were several moments where I had to piece together who was doing what and why.

I don't know that I'll ever watch it again, but I'm happy that I put it in my brain.

Goosebumps (2023)

First successful Goosebumps effort

As someone who grew up reading the books and giving every atrocious cinematic attempt the benefit of the doubt, I am pretty pleased with this one.

I winced when I hit play, and settled back, prepared to be disappointed.

I finished every episode in two days, and am excited for the next.

It is very much a show aimed at teenagers, so it has the high school shenanigans and drama. The acting skill varies, as does the script writing. Justin Long is Justin Long (which I love. YMMV).

Every attempt at trying to exactly duplicate the stories and spirit of the books has failed miserably, so this show went in a different direction. They used a Goosebumps villain and created a framework from it, then wove different Goosebumps stories into an episodic/serialized show.

If you're looking for Masterpiece Theater, this ain't it. If you're looking for something fun inspired by delightful Goosebumps books, enjoy!

Army of the Dead (2021)

Skip this, watch the prequel

Fantastic cast and crew.

Abominable script.

Just a hex of a movie all around.

The script isn't even trying. Gary Oldman, Denzel Washington, Helen Mirren, James Hong, Angela Bassett, Salma Hayek, and Antonio Banderas together wouldn't be able to save this movie. Probably.

They took every zombie trope they could find, threw it at the script, then mixed some vaguely zombie-related words together, shrugged, and tossed those in as well. Suspension of disbelief doesn't even get a running start before you're scratching your head wondering if it's a "monkeys recreating Shakespeare" experiment. Or maybe it was an AI-generated script. Oooh that makes scary sense.

The only appropriate use for this movie is for a Rifftrax-esque viewing. Put your own dialogue on it; I promise it'll be better than what's actually there.

Army of Thieves (2021)

Going to pretend this is a delightful standalone movie

I was lucky enough to see this before I watched Army of the Dead.

Ludwig is just.. I just love him so much. The cast had wonderful chemistry, the dialogue was fun and engaging, and I'm a sucker for a good heist movie. It's a fantastic popcorn movie that is even better with friends. It plays with tropes, winks at the audience, brings them in on the joke, all while still taking itself mostly-seriously.

Where Army of the Dead was just garbage layered on garbage layered on top of an excellent cast, Army of Thieves is a film I will happily watch again. I really want a sequel to THIS movie. A proper one.

Black as Night (2021)

Haters gonna hate

I loved this movie. I've watched it multiple times. It is a permanent part of my campy horror movie collection. My honest rating is a 7, because reasonable expectations. My given rating is 10 cause I can't stop haters from hating, but I can help balance reviews at least a little bit.

Like most movies with all/most-BIPOC casts, the ratings get tanked. Based on a lot of the reviews, many raters were also expecting (demanding) blockbuster movie budget and quality.

Well, this movie is NOT that.

This movie IS a fantastically fun vamp movie that carries a delicious message. It IS a teenage drama/horror. It IS a movie about owning your sh$t and owning your power, no matter what the world throws at you. This movie IS about systemic racism being alive and well, and doing its best to throttle the life out of certain communities.

It's also a movie about a really dapper vampire nest.

(Bearing in mind that I am a white woman) Shawna dealing with b.s. Because of how dark she is was used less as a punishment and more as a, "Look at this b.s. She has to deal with. She has to fight against all these messages just to maintain her sense of self and a modicum of self-assurance. She's tough af, but she shouldn't HAVE to be."

Pedro's stereotypical ways of being queer a.f. Didn't seem like stereotyping, to me, so much as him leaning into those demonstrations of queerness to show that he refuses to care what other people think about his queerness.

I love the villain. I probably (definitely) would have done the same thing in his position.

My major complaints are

• The message and story would have worked far better as a miniseries or show. It jumps around, leaves things underdeveloped, and there's too much crammed in.

• The dialogue gets clunky at times
• Some of the scenes were way too dark to be able to actually see all of what was going on.

Midnight Mass (2021)

GDI Mike Flanagan, you beautiful b-

Just finished the mini-series, and, as with most Flanagan works, I am an absolute wreck.

Flanagan is a maestro of weaving, wheedling, coaxing, and ripping emotions out of viewers, and exploring the heights and depths of human experience. He does not play around, and will do whatever it takes to -show- the depths and heights. (I'm looking at you, horrible horrible scene that had me crying and yelling at the tv. I still hate you.)

The only reason I didn't give it a 10 is that some of the dialogue felt like unpolished creative-writing-class writing. Telling is not where Flanagan shines. It's always in his ability to show you, to draw you in.

Most of the horror isn't in the supernatural elements of the story, it's found in the acts and tragedies and emotions of the humans in the story. The supernatural simply forces those elements out into the open. Flanagan excels in using horror to hold a mirror up to humanity, in all its glory and tragedy.

It was truly a work of art.

Âya to majo (2020)

So, here's the thing-

This is a terrible movie. It just is. I absolutely cannot recommend it.

Am I delighted that I watched it? Absolutely. I'll probably end up watching it again, with no regrets. Yes. I said it. I would watch this heap of garbage again.

The best comparison I can come up with is it's a lot like a writer using a handful of very fun and solid writing prompts, all involving the same characters in the same universe. Each writing exercise was engaging and magical, but a third of the way in, the writer would get bored and start another writing prompt, get excited with that one, then meander off again soon after.

Not a single plot point goes ANYWHERE, other than the main character being determined to order everyone around. That's it. The only prompt the writer stuck with was "my main character is a more charming Veruca Salt"

Come for the charming snapshots of emotions and images, leave for the tangled yarn clippings of a plot line.

The House with a Clock in Its Walls (2018)

Comedy horror for Weirdos of All Ages

Is it appropriate for young children? Magic 8 Ball says Try Again Later.

Is it appropriate for older children? Depending on the child, YES. My eleven-year-old LOVED it, and so did I. It's part of our family's Halloween traditions now.

Hint: The target audience is fantasy-loving weirdos who love creepy stuff, of all ages.

It is an incredibly fun movie, with a mostly-great story and script, with Jack Black and Cate Blanchett being superb and fabulous (their banter is soul-nourishing).

There are some mildly (this is obviously subjective) disturbing images and scenes that stick with you, but they're more along the lines of telling your friends about that super creepy, amazing, and/or horrible haunted house that goes all out every year for Halloween. (although I do still feel the need to avenge my brain for the baby Jack scene. A CURSE UPON THEE.) They are meant to scare and delight, not to horrify.

People love hating on horror/comedy horror/dark comedy, or approaching them as automatically lesser than other genres, which is absurd.

ALSO many people seem to forget that the rating system here is for the quality of the piece of art. It is not for rating your ability or willingness to utilize the omnipresent internet to actually check parental recommendations or guides on movies before plopping the kiddos down with it. It is also not for registering complaints when you disagree with a movie's parental guidance rating. Quit trashing art because of your own preconceptions.

7 donne e un mistero (2021)

Characters, not plot, are gold

I thoroughly enjoyed this film. The plot is mediocre, the script is tolerable, but the characters and acting... oh, so very good.

Right about the time you realize the plot is meh, you get drawn into the story by the nuances of each character. The subtle lines and connections, the facial expressions and body language of each actress pull you in to show you the scene through their eyes.

The film, while ostensibly about a murder, is more about people trapped by society into unwanted roles, and how they survive in those roles. The movie is a kaleidoscope showing the paths that led each of them to this day, this situation. We see how they sought release, excitement, or a taste of other lives to be lived.

Conclusion: We deserve a spinoff show based on the ending. Also, go watch the movie, it's fabulous.

Easter Sunday (2022)

Fun & Funny

This was a fun comedy, crammed full of jokes and gags. If you come to this from Jo Koy's standup, it's delightful. It's basically turning his standup routines into a movie, even including a scene featuring him holding a microphone and delivering jokes to a group of people.

I'm not mad.

The subplots get a bit tangled, but not to an unenjoyable point. The slightly overwhelming, yet still hilarious and much-loved part, is that every named character gets in on delivering the jokes and gags. It made me so happy.

Regardless of connection or familiarity with Filipino or Filipino American culture, most anyone will enjoy and appreciate the family shenanigans and bs that many of us deal with. (Aunties gonna auntie.)

The cameos are spectacular, and the joyful nods, winks, and straight jabs at cultural assumptions bring much hilarity.

I would also like to take a moment to say, Jo Koy is badass and fabulous for fighting for a theatrical release for this movie. Representation freaking matters, and having this many amazing Filipino and Filipino American actors on the big screen (including the ones who people assumed were Mexican) was tremendous.

Save the Last Dance (2001)

Comfort Dance Porn

The dialogue and story are full of tropes and clichés. Stereotypes abound.

But that's okay, because we love and accept this movie for what it is: comfort dance porn.

The actors were, by and large, fantastic. The cast, particularly Julia Stiles and Sean Patrick Thomas, had amazing chemistry that carried the story. Julia Stiles, despite not being a trained (or particularly great) dancer, still makes you believe in the character (unless you're a professional dancer or struggle mightily with suspension of disbelief, in which case, I'm so sorry, but you should probably skip this movie). This movie ignited a decades-long crush on Sean Patrick Thomas. (He really is an amazing actor.)

You know what to expect with this movie, and sometimes, that's a good thing. Lay back, cuddle with your friend, lover, your cat, your dog, your teddy bear, get a comfort snack, and just enjoy.

Elvira's Haunted Hills (2001)

Raunchy & Raucous

Yes! Say yes to this movie. It's the best worst ode to and parody of Corman, Poe, Price, & Hammer. (That sounds like the best law firm ever.) The film had some of the horror genre's greats (other than Elvira's own haunted hills, I mean) working on it, and it shows. Every time I watch it, I notice more references to some of my favourite horror productions. To top it off, the movie itself is dedicated to Vincent Price.

If you're not an Elvira fan, don't bother, because this movie is 100% pure Elvira hijinks and shenanigans. From the magically atrocious dubbing of the Stable Stud to your favourite Riff Raff and mine shouting gloriously demented monologues at Elvira's errr.. magical orbs, this movie delivers every campy, corny, horror cliche we could ever want.

Make sure you check out Haygraphics's AMAZING review for a full workup of the movie.

Also, someone mentioned a double-feature with this and Young Frankenstein, and I have to say, that sounds like perfection. Brb Gene Wilder is calling my name.

Suburban Gothic (2014)

I am whelmed.

I adjusted my rating multiple times. I might change it again before I finish typing this.

Ranking aside, I really enjoyed this movie, and will happily watch it again.

Every character in this movie is an absolute tool. I loved these tools. I tend to be tool-phobic, but I'll meet up with these tools again, and I'll enjoy it.

The best way I can find to describe this movie is: Millennial screws up his life with the aid of his horrible excuse-for-a-human father, and his Permanent Denial, Where's Mommy's Little Helper mother, and has to move back in with said parental units. Then it turns into Daria: Millennial Version, who happens to be haunted by some Other-Side Creeps.

It was more like watching a hilarious Snapchat or Vines compilation from internet friends than a produced, scripted, and rehearsed movie. Part of that was the actors really filling out their roles, and part of it was the hilarious realness of the dialogue and reactions (adjusting for the oomph of polished comedy and drama).

While I can't shout from the rooftops for all comedy horror fans to watch this, I -can- add it to my Official Halloween Month Movies List, and will likely coerce my bestie to watch it with me during one of our movie nights.

A Black Lady Sketch Show (2019)

One of the best sketch comedy shows

If you scrolled through the reviews, I'm sure you noticed that this show is definitely one of those love it or hate it ones. Not much middle ground over here. If you don't love the first episode or so, move on.

I LOVED IT. And I will be watching it again.

The bad: Robin does lean into the trying-too-hard thing, too often. It can be abrasive and annoying. She also, imo, uses one persona far too much and not nearly enough of other amazing personas.

There is a bit too much lazy writing and misses with unfunny uses of tropes and stereotypes.

The good: SO MUCH GOOD. The cast, the characters, the segments and running jokes, all interweaved with some bizarre random apocalypse storyline as the backdrop. I love it. Like any good sketch comedy show, ABLSS explores culture (with a strong emphasis on Black culture, naturally) and society through the lens of absolute hilarity.

Bones (2005)

So good, so bad, so frustrating

I will recommend the first couple seasons of Bones to any fan of procedurals, geeks being badasses, and nerds in general. It's fun and entertaining. The characters involved, the different situations and approaches, the changing dynamics, all are great.

The first problem that crept up, for me, was that while the characters explored and experienced situations and people from all walks of life, the show also frequently and casually denigrates and judges anything that isn't accepted mainstream. Oh, Bones will always say something about how all different approaches to life are important and great and really you shouldn't judge people just because they're different. But by the end of the episode, Booth will have made quite a few snide or uncomfortable comments about how it's just not done, or how it doesn't seem right to his Catholic upbringing and morals, and Bones will end up agreeing that, yeah, those weirdos are something else lolz.

Every single group that I can remember being portrayed in the show that isn't part of the accepted mainstream was shown as delusional, screwed in the head, laughable, or pitiable.

The second major problem was that as soon as they ran out of easily accessible riddles and puzzles, they delved headfirst into soap opera, will they/won't they, frequently asinine dramatic situations. I understand the need for sustained conflict and suspense, the need to have something for the characters to struggle against, but ye gods, can we please not be lazy about it?

The third major problem is that the show starts out with Bones being EXTREMELY CAPABLE, physically and mentally. (Not emotionally, but hey, two out of three ain't bad). AS SOON AS BOOTH IS AROUND SHE FORGETS HOW TO TAKE CARE OF HERSELF??? She goes from being a martial artist to not being able to remember how to throw a punch? Bite me. (They do make a joke about that at one point, eventually, which I still appreciate.)

Fear Street: 1994 (2021)

For a good time, call, "Temper your expectations"

1. I have to agree with all the reviewers saying, "They took a 90s playlist, threw it at the movie, and went with it". The songs had little to do with the scene (with a few exceptions), they rarely contributed anything. Then they threw AIM at the movie and said, "Yep, sure is a 90s movie!" Spoiler alert: no it wasn't. They didn't even TRY.

2. The acting wasn't particularly bad, it was more that the script was asinine. There was little character development, little believable actions and reactions from the characters, as many people have mentioned. The characters were pretty one-dimensional.

3. It could have been AMAZING but it WASN'T.

--------------------

Bearing these points in mind, I want you to now think upon these points:

Dude, it's a 3-part teen-horror-slasher-miniseries based on pre-teen/teen horror books from the 90s, rebooted for some gory glory days. Go in looking for a fun, absurd, over-the-top teen-horror-slasher-flick that's gonna toss some old references at your face for kicks, some "wtaf are they even DOING" moments, and as many tropes as they can toss in a barrel. A trope barrel. A horror trope barrel, specifically.

I have EVERY intention of watching the other two this weekend. YOU CANNOT STOP ME.

Deadtectives (2018)

Will be watching again

I am a huge fan of comedy-horror. I stumbled on this one randomly on someone's movie list and decided to give it a try. With a name like "Deadtectives", it's either going to be completely dumb or completely hilarious.

Turns out, it was both. Just like ALL excellent puns.

30 seconds in, I was already cracking up at the terrible amazing send-up of ghost-hunting shows. The humour is pretty steady throughout the entire movie, even during the genuinely creepy af scenes.

While not always particularly likeable (the movie tagline DOES say "complete dicks") the characters are always relatable. I loved them all.

The movie sets out to play with haunting and ghost-hunting tropes, and never lets up on it, and I am so thankful for that. They nailed it. I lost count of how many times I laughed out loud during the movie.

Now, when do I get my Deadtectives show? I NEED IT. WE DESERVE THIS.

Spectros (2020)

One Episode In

Just finished the first episode, and I'm excited to start the next one. The character introductions gave a juicy taste of the spirit of each one, enough to draw you in, wanting to know more. It showcased the basic rules of the world, and introduced you to a freak-fest of spooks, kooks, and potential villains.

The lovely dangling threads of possible arcs and stories were wonderful, as were the interweaving lines of the culture and energy of Sao Paolo.

I'm a sucker for the interweaving of multiple cultures into a story, doubly so when that story has creepy dolls, witch queens, wrathful wraiths, and "wait a second, isn't that dude dead?" The cinematography was a gift, and while the dialogue hasn't been particularly inspiring, I've enjoyed every minute of it.

Obviously being on the first episode means my review will change quite a bit as I go. But for now, I'm loving the supernatural-horror-suspense-drama of Spectros.