arthurmauk

Every year there's a show that warms every man's blood and makes the winter worthwhile. That season is upon us again, and this year's is particularly treasured as there were (false, thank God) rumours circulating that Victoria's Secret was going to cancel it (!)

There were quite a few changes since last year's show, most notably which Gisele's contract had finished and did not get renewed. It's a real shame as VS is now missing their World's Richest Supermodel, and she has never failed to please with her opening walk. That honour has now been extended to Adriana. Secondly, to nobody's great surprise, Miranda Kerr was unveiled to be the latest addition to the Angels. I've never seen a more welcoming reception to a new VS model, her all-encompassing popularity with the fans is extraordinary, and personally I feel she's worth every bit of that status and more. At the tender age of 22, she must be the youngest Angel ever, and with her bounce and sass, she can pass for even younger. On the other hand, I have no idea what VS was on when they inducted Marisa Miller, she may have experience but she's far too old (and looks it!) – she sticks out like a sore thumb amongst the real beauties. My guess is that VS got insecure and felt it necessary to include an all-American Angel, bad move.

Alright, enough bitching. Let's get on with the show. As with last year's, this year's show was hosted by Heidi Klum. The opening skit was kind of lame and exploitative; and the Rocky theme was just pure cheese. Kanye West was supposed to be the artist opening the show this year, but he had to pull out. His replacement will.i.am did a fine job considering the time constraints and the impromptu-ness of his summoning, but really we were disappointed by his distinct lack of cool, something JT so effortlessly oozed last year. In fact, will brought an odour of sleaze to the show, and that wasn't just his song content.

As aforementioned, Adriana opened the show this year, and she seems to have been overcompensating – all her efforts to stir up the crowd just seemed desperate and gimmicky. The first collection was "Into The Wild" – think tiger prints set to a Blade Runner backdrop.

Another change this year was the "special features" which VS intersperses between the catwalks. I thought they did an excellent job last year, with models telling tales of their first kiss, etc. which was incredibly cute, but this year was decidedly dull, just simple video bios of the Angels. I consider myself a pretty hardcore fan, and even I was bored by listening to their histories.

The second segment was "Age of Elegance" – a tasteful, subtle collection which somehow made patterned cloths look outrageously sexy. Well, if anyone could do it, it'd be Victoria's Secret. And here was the only remix of the night, enjoy it while it lasts. The soundtrack always used to be full of stellar remixes but this year they must've gotten lazy. It's just not as special when we can just buy a copy on iTunes.

Even Victoria's Secret had to kowtow to this unfathomable craze with reality TV. In true America's Next Top Model fashion, VS toured the nation to find 30 girls, out of which one would be given the honour to walk the runway for PINK. This year's running theme was "Miss America", each model representing an American state. There were cowgirls, forest rangers, ski bunnies and all. It was amusing to see Miranda Kerr being the one chosen to open this line, her being an Aussie. Her Miss New York outfit is definitely my pick of the show. Our winner Katie Wilde actually does a surprisingly good job with her surfer chick outfit. Of course she doesn't exude as much confidence as the other more experienced models, but give her a few years and she might just be gracing the cover of your 2012 VS catalogue!

In the interlude we have another live performance, a duet by Seal and Heidi, who make such an adorable couple! The following collection was "Rome Antique", a flurry of golds, greens on rich silks wafting down the runway. There was even a mock Roman fountain in the background. After that was the "Surreally Sexy" collection, inspired by Dali, Man Ray, Magritte and co. It really was quite clever how they managed to recognisably work the famous pieces of art into the clothing line.

And here was the biggest mistake of the evening in my opinion. My guess was that Victoria's Secret simply hired the Spice Girls for the hype. They forgot about the fact that they simply _aren't very good_. Despite being a live performance, they mimed the whole thing and the backing dancers were inexplicably dressed as soldiers. Huh???

The night finishes with "Deck the Halls", a Christmas-themed collection with models dressed as ornaments, sexy Santas and the like. Selita was the golden girl who got to wear the million-dollar bra this year, sparkling like the queen she rightfully is. Seal is on stage again for a final song, backed by a chorus clad in red. For the finale, Heidi comes in with a dangerous-looking snowflake outfit. Not only does it look tacky, but that thing could really poke someone's eye out. :P

All in all, Victoria's Secret has put up another amazing show for us but that's what we've come to expect. The design ranges were, as always, incredibly sexy and innovative and the models outshone themselves once again. The production could be a bit slicker though, put some more thought into the music to make it sound more unique, and provide some more interesting special features to bridge the gaps. Have fun, and see you next year!

When I first saw this film on IMDb I got quite excited. After all, how can you possibly go wrong with such a star-studded cast? So despite the relatively low rating, I braved the winds to go see it. Boy was I wrong. David Wain seems to have done the impossible – brainwashed respectable actors into believing they're reading a decent script before signing their contracts. There cannot be any other explanation, I refuse to believe it. I don't normally waste my time reviewing films I regard to be bad, but this one offended my senses so much that any money I can deprive the filmmakers of would be a cause for the greater good.

Hmm, how should I start? The plot is conceptually sound: ten stories, each inspired by one of the ten commandments. It could've gone in the way of Magnolia or Crash: an epic story with an ensemble cast which eventually all ties up nicely after numerous conflicts. But the writers decided to try something new, which is great in theory, I welcome innovation and free enterprise in film-making, but they managed to balls it up so majorly that it's unwatchable. Paul Rudd is normally cute and lovable, but his character the narrator is cheesy and annoying as hell. And that's before we learn that he's screwing Jessica Alba (bouncy and two-dimensional as always, but that's how we like her), which instinctively makes every man on the planet want to kill him.

Now the stories themselves. It's hard to put my finger on which one is the worst because they are all so bad. Lazily thought up, nothing holding the piece together, each feels like an excuse to tell some really unfunny jokes, crude and distasteful. The connections to the Ten Commandments are marginal at best, false at worst.

I think by now you understand how much disdain I reserve for this movie, and the actors who shamed themselves by appearing in it. If you find any copies, BURN THEM. Think of the women and children.

Good question.

I haven't been so confused since watching Mulholland Dr. (which by the way is an excellent movie, unlike this one). Are we really supposed to take Jason Schwartzman seriously with that comical American-French accent (see: 14ème Arrondissement in Paris, je t'aime) and the stupid thick moustache? Natalie Portman fares no better, unconvincing as a seductive vamp with a tomboyish haircut. Both actors are too young and horribly miscast here.

The dialogue is awkward beyond belief and makes no sense whatsoever. I don't understand how anyone can praise this short film since it offers pretentious "mysteries" yet explains nothing to satisfy our reluctant suspense. Until The Darjeeling Limited is released one can't really say it's good at all except stylistically. I suppose if Anderson's intention was to create hype then fine, he did his job, I will watch The Darjeeling Limited just out of curiosity to see whether he will redeem himself.

The background music is far too loud and distracting. Now is that more arty-farty symbolism, an homage to Paul Thomas Anderson or did Wes just forget to turn the sound down on his PC whilst editing? I know the exaggerated use of yellow was an intentional decision he made, but it turned out that he made a bad decision. The one shot that was beautiful and near perfect was the memorable balcony scene, in which the colours really does take your breath away. Promising, shame about the other 12 minutes.

Oh, and for the overzealous horny fanboys (for which I am one), Ms. Portman does not go nude for this film. Disappointing and unsatisfying, perhaps that's why I feel so bitter and cheated. Ah well.