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That Vitamin Movie (2016)
Why are all these 10-star reviews contributed by 1-review wonders?
The primary subject of this "documentary" lauding the benefits of macro-doses of vitamins turns out to be a guy who died prematurely of undetected heart disease. His doctorate was of the PhD type - he was assuredly not a medical doctor, not a physician. The "evidence" presented here is entirely anecdotal. The definition of that, contrary to what the one-review wonders would have you believe, is "not necessarily true or reliable." In fact, many new double-blind studies have confirmed that certain vitamins, taken as supplements, not food, can dramatically and negatively affect longevity. In any case, the usual suspects are all here. That notorious vitamin-selling doctor in Florida, et. Al - business people who stand to profit from the sale of books, videos, and high-dose vitamin supplements promising to cure whatever ails you, without the need for physician-prescribed medications or other treatments. Eventually, perhaps we will have protections from these types of predators on the gullible and the desperate. Until then, don't believe anything you hear, and half of what you see.
Blank (2022)
In case you're wondering
All the 10-star reviews seem mighty impressive. Unfortunately, they are all written by the usual one-review wonders. In this case, the reviews focus on the brilliant screenplay and the brilliant directing, so I am guessing the writer and director have at least ten relatives who owe them money. In any case, if you are wondering about the quality of this cinematic endeavor, yes, you guessed right: it's nonsensical twaddle, badly scripted, badly acted and filmed entirely in super tight interior close-ups - I'd imagine to save the expense of having real sets and complex lighting setups. A brief word of advice to the one-review crew: 10-star reviews for films no one has ever heard of is not a great way to attract an audience. And try to vary the copy a little from review to review instead of saying "must-watch" over and over again. Your welcome.
The Unbookables (2012)
Move along, nothing to see here, folks
If you click on the reviews that score 7 and above, they are virtually all written by one-review-wonders - aka, people who were involved in the production. This is one of the most tedious and pointless "documentaries" I have ever experienced. They have assembled a crew of some of the unfunniest, least appealing, least engaging comics on the planet, who then spend the rest of the film riding from dive bar to dive bar in a filthy bus, smoking their lungs out the entire way. You may have more fortitude than I have, but I was only able to handle about fifteen minutes, and that achievement was pretty tough. Presenting this as a study of comics who push against limits might be a way of justifying this waste of time. But the truth is, there's not a shred of humor here.
The Pigeon Tunnel (2023)
Shouldn't the emperor put some clothes on?
Maybe it's me, but having tried and failed to watch this through TWICE, let me just say this emperor is buck naked. The magic of Errol Morris's early documentaries seems to have faded into an overly dramatic, pretentious, and stylized flow of irrelevant images and superfluous rambling -- and John Le Carré is the perfect subject for this treatment, endlessly tooting his own horn and holding forth in pompous windbag mode for what seemed like an eternity. Plus, there is really nothing new here, no revelations. Le Carré has been interviewed ad nauseum over the years, and regaled us with tales of his con man father and super spy exploits. In fact, his tales of British spies and Communist moles have been told in other far more insightful documentaries. I suppose if you are a super fan of Le Carré's books, it might be nice to view his final interview, but despite the glowing reviews, I think many will find this a boring and repetitious rehash of very familiar narratives.
My Degeneration (1989)
Stars do not do this film justice.
With the possible exception of a little-known early '70s "experimental" film called "From Our Perspective," which was actually "shot" by a group of recovering traumatized baboons under the auspices of the Milwaukee Wildlife Rehabilitation Project, I can think of no other cinematic endeavor in recent times which provokes more speculation about the motives and possible mental disturbances engendered by the cast, crew, and director. Ostensibly a comedic endeavor, My Degeneration is, in fact, a deeply moving chronicle of a time and a place, an attitude if you will, a state of being, a moment captured in time, possibly, a momentary affliction or misunderstanding - in short, a proverbial Book of Manners. There is no way anyone can accurately convey all the nuances and misappropriations of reality evoked by this stunning work of crepuscular and hypnotic recrementitious japery. You must see it for yourself.
Last Man Standing: Suge Knight and the Murders of Biggie & Tupac (2021)
Hard to find anyone worth caring about
This is another one of those interminable documentaries about some truly awful people. The problem is that the key characters are so vile, self-centered, posturing, and basically clueless that it's difficult to care much about what happened to them. If you're fascinated by gang culture, rap music, and wannabe gangstas, I suppose it might be worth a watch -- but the endless repetition of opinions and foggy details by the interviewees who comprise roughly 80 percent of this nearly two-hour screed made this a challenging watch for me. And in the end, you really don't know much more for certain about the murders of Biggie and Tupac than you did before. You do however get to see what nasty, narcissistic people they all were. In any case, my only suggestion if you opt to endure this film is to keep a vomit bag close at hand.
Let the Fire Burn (2013)
One of the most astonishing documentaries ever
Composed almost entirely of archival footage, this electrifying documentary walks us hour by hour through the horrific tragedy of Philadelphia's wanton destruction of the MOVE organization and its adherents. We watch firsthand as the police and fire department conspire to bomb MOVE's headquarters in a townhouse in a working class neighborhood, and as the bombing leads to a blazing fire which ultimately consumes most of that neighborhood, and we watch in horror as Philadelphia's government officials make the conscious decision to "let the fire burn" -- which leads to the deaths of 11 people including a number of children. The only small flaw in this film, at least in the edition I watched, was the sound mix, which is uneven, necessitating a fair amount of upping and lowering the sound level -- a small price to pay for an historic document of such importance. I cannot recommend this film highly enough. Truly eye-opening.
The Secrets of Hillsong (2023)
Another ten-minute story stretched out to 4 hours
This four-episode snoozer follows the basic pattern of the vast majority of current streaming documentaries: stretch it out to as many episodes as possible even if you have to regurgitate the same unsurprising factoids over and over and over again. It's a familiar story: gigantic Aussie megachurch exports itself to New York City and fills thousands of seats with ecstatic parishioners enraptured by the miraculous words of a charismatic preacher who likes to dress in tight jeans and leather jackets. Fast forward to the end: the megachurch turns out to be run by child rapists, adulterers, serial abusers, and multiple sleazebag cover-uppers. There are hours of interviews with one of the key sociopaths - a guy who has now repented his evil ways and is bathed in the light of goodness and mercy (right). If it feels like you've seen this one already, it's because you have. The real question is how do they keep filling up these churches with mesmerized followers when the ultimate outcome is so predictable? I would think anyone of average intelligence would take one look at these creeps and run for the door. But sadly, not so.
The Pervert's Guide to Ideology (2012)
Another naked emperor on a soapbox
All you really need to know about this hectoring piece of long-winded cinematic philosophizing is revealed in the first few minutes of the film, in which the film's star and subject, one Slajov Zizek (whose accent is so thick that it occasionally requires subtitles) proclaims "They Live" -- the grindhouse science fiction film starring aging wrestler Rowdy Roddy Piper -- one of the most important films ever made. For those of you who may not know, the basic plot of this film is that Rowdy Roddy discovers a case of sunglasses in an abandoned church, and when he puts them on, he can see aliens who live among us, and read their secret invisible (to others) messages. Somehow, this concept of aliens, sunglasses, and secret messages is central to Mr. Zizek's main thesis, which seems to be that everything you think you know is wrong. So I guess we all need a pair of those magic glasses. If you're one of the lucky few who thinks "They Live" is a masterpiece of cinematic creativity, congratulations - The Pervert's Guide will be your new favorite movie. For the rest of us, not so much.
BlackBerry (2023)
Cinematic mediocrity
Despite all the rave reviews, for me this film was mediocre at best. The characters were one-dimensional, the actors did a lot of scenery chewing without generating much interest in the story, the script was facile and superficial, the camera work was typical of low-budget productions with lots of protracted jerky hand-held shots. Ultimately, I found it difficult to empathize with any of the characters (I could never get past the thought that I was watching actors), and eventually I lost interest in the outcome altogether. Which is a shame actually, because there is a fascinating story buried in this misfire. Better attention to the script and casting, and better production values, might have helped. But I think this is one instance where a well-made documentary, with interviews, archival footage, etc. Might be a better way to tell the story.
Anna Nicole Smith: You Don't Know Me (2023)
Maybe we don't want to know you
If you can make it through five minutes of this steaming pile of twaddle, please contact me. My septic field recently exploded and I am in desperate need of someone with a truly strong stomach who can get out here and clean up the mess without collapsing from the stench. Folks, I am sorry for Ms. Smith's many misfortunes, and her untimely passing was very sad indeed - but in this documentary she comes across as a truly self-absorbed narcissist and self-aggrandizer who had but a single focus in life: herself. Add to that the fact that she seems to have a room-temperature IQ, a rather paltry vocabulary, and an unashamedly opportunistic outlook - and you've got the recipe for a literally unwatchable documentarian disaster. When will Netflix and the rest of our streaming services come to realize that not every flash-in-the-pan hard-luck "celebrity" merits a two-hour memorial, or even worse, a 10-part interminable "reality" series?
Who Killed Robert Wone? (2023)
Typical of its kind
After watching 3-plus hours of video interviews with various snarky, weird, and self-aggrandizing characters of every conceivable description, and suffering through the endless commercials on Peacock, many of which must have cost twice or three or even four or five times what the actual production of the actual series cost, you will know absolutely nothing more - and I mean not one whit, not one speck, not one teeny-tiny bit more - than when you started out. You will not know who killed this sorry guy, or why they did, or even what he actually died of. No, friends, you will know absolutely nothing. The mystery will remain as mysterious as it was before you even knew it was a mystery. You will have wasted your time utterly and completely. The only thing I recommend this cheesy bit of fluff for is taking naps. For that, it can't be beat. (Minimum character limit met.)
Good Luck (2017)
Baffling at first
I candidly admit I did not quite know what to make of this film until I learned the backstory from Ephraim Katz's highly esteemed Film Encyclopedia. Apparently, this documentary was actually conceived and created as a kind of cinematic "endurance test" for young inductees into the Serbian armed forces. While I found this a bit bizarre at first, a brief recap of the film more or less confirmed it. For instance, the opening scene in this documentary is a five-minute static shot of shrubs and trees on an otherwise barren hilltop, which is then followed by a second five-minute static shot of what appears to be a large rock pile. This is followed by a ten-minute sequence of an horrendously bad oompah band, tubas and all, playing squealing out-of-tune music at a bone-rattling volume, and after that, there is another ten-minute sequence of three men in work clothes walking slowly down an endless hallway in some sort of nondescript workplace as they mutter inaudibly to one another, and so on. I believe the title of the film, Good Luck, is further evidence of the endurance test nature of this documentary. And if, after reading this, you still have the temerity to embark upon a viewing of this film, I have only two final words for you: Good luck.
Dear Mr. Brody (2021)
The sad state of "documentaries" today
The question that today's streaming service documentarians never seem to ask themselves: Is this guy really worth a nearly two-hour documentary? In this case, the answer is a resounding NO. Brody, the subject of this turgid screed, is a combination of narcissist, moron, dope fiend, and BS artist - with not a single redeeming feature that I could detect. The storyline is that as the supposed heir to a fortune, he promised to give away his inheritance (variously proclaimed as 25 million dollars, 1 billion dollars, and 100 billion dollars) to the poor and needy. But the fact was, he was essentially broke, and lost what few brains he had inherited to his favorite smoke, PCP. None of this stopped gazillions of folks from sending this nincompoop letters begging for money. Those letters have sat in crates in storage units since the 1970s, and I guess some hustler had the bright idea of making a documentary where the letters are re-read, sometimes by mediocre actors, sometimes by the actual surviving letter writers or their descendants, in the vague hope of dragging some emotion out of what is essentially a monumentally boring subject, worth approximately a three-minute YouTube snoozer. In the end, Brody gets what he deserves, and if you choose to watch this prolonged waste of time, you will too.
Enlighten Us (2016)
This is a review of the documentary, not the man
Admittedly, spending 90 minutes in the presence of a charlatan, sociopath and murderer is not an easy watch. But this isn't a review of James Arthur Ray, who is a true and unparalleled exemplar of sleazebagism at its sleazebaggiest. This is a review of the documentary itself, which as others have pointed out quite eloquently, is a brilliant and very nuanced evocation of just how repulsive and predatory the "self-improvement" industry is, and even more fascinating, how utterly gullible, needy, and delusional its benighted victims are, collectively forking over billions of dollars each year to the coffers of soulless amoral con men like Ray. I turned this documentary off more than a couple of times in total disgust - but I kept turning it back on until I watched it to the end. And I ultimately came away from it with great respect for the director, who, as others have pointed out, managed to convict its subject with his own words alone, without one syllable of voice-over narrative. As H. L. Mencken pointed out many years ago, "No one ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public."
Perfect Bid: The Contestant Who Knew Too Much (2017)
Literally unwatchable
This is the most stultifying 80 minutes of video I have ever experienced in my many decades of watching sheer crap. The essence of it is this: imagine yourself locked in a room with a colossal monotonous bore who is fixated on reliving his own glory days as an audience member and one-time contestant on The Price Is Right. He relives each hour of his heyday minute by mind-numbing minute. He shows you elaborate spreadsheets of every item EVER put up for bid on the show, and its price. He makes you play a cheesy digital Price Is Right game that he invented in the dark ages of amateur computing. He describes in cringey detail his crushes on the models who populated the show. This is interrupted only occasionally either by a snippet of the actual show from back in the day - or a cameo by one of the various hosts and producers who share not-so-fascinating backstage tidbits. I am thinking the CIA might want to get their hands on this as a more effective way of torturing terrorists than playing heavy metal music all night. If you insist on ignoring this review, just make sure your remote's batteries are fully charged, and keep it within arm's length. You've been warned.
You Can't Kill Meme (2021)
Sheer unadulterated drivel
You know those dopey things you see online all the time - memes? 99% of them seem to have been ineptly stitched together by people with room temperature IQs, right? Well, guess what? Those memes, according to the authors of this busload-of-twaddle documentary, are PURE MAGIC!!! That's right - they are the work of dark magicians operating on an astral plane, and they have the power to subvert the universe! Boy, was I surprised. Especially since this "documentary" is stitched together with found footage that has almost nothing to do with the subject matter, along with interviews with some of the goofiest humanoids I have ever seen captured on celluloid. If you have an overpowering urge to waste 90 minutes of your time on sheer idiocy, may I suggest that you go with Plan 9 from Outer Space instead? At least you'll get a couple of laughs out of that.
Fruitcake Fraud (2021)
Cleverly edited waste of time
Fruitcake Fraud is an entirely glib and superficial documentary that illuminates nothing whatsoever, and when all is said and done, amounts to a glossy but overlong advertisement for the Collins Avenue Bakery's pricey fruitcakes. The essence of it is that a bakery employee and his wife managed to embezzle somewhere in the neighborhood of $17 million from the benighted management of the company, but since most of the film is endless shots of fruitcakes rolling down the assembly line interspersed with quickie interviews with employees, mostly played for laughs, we never get to learn anything about the perpetrator outside of the basic facts -- he stole a whole bunch of money and eventually went to the hoosegow. The interviews and the ad nauseam fruitcake factory footage pads the length of this film out from the 30 or so minutes that might have been interesting to a whopping hour and forty minutes of sheer boredom. The Collins Street Bakery does make a good fruitcake, but this glossy exercise in promotional banality is an utter failure as a film. 4 stars for a couple of chuckles here and there.
We Blew It (2017)
Did the author of the film's description even watch Easy Rider?
To compare today's turbulent times unfavorably to the wonderful "Easy Rider" era is patently absurd. If the author of the film's synopsis had bothered to actually watch that movie, it should have been clear that the good old days were actually pretty crappy: Easy Rider ends with a couple of hippie-hating rural types (not all that much different from today's Trump worshippers) slaughtering the two free-spirited motorcyclists played by Dennis Hopper and Peter Fonda. It wasn't much of a movie in the first place, but it sure didn't depict a world of peace, harmony and good will toward men. In fact, it more or less seems like that era -- including the right-wing "America Love It or Leave It" nastiness that dogged protestors of the Vietnam War in the 70s -- was setting the stage for the hot mess we're in today. So if the premise of the film is that things used to be great but they suddenly went bad, this "documentary" can't be worth watching. If you take your patriotic blinders off, America has a pretty dark history which continues to haunt its citizens to this day. I sure hope we can move past our troubles into brighter days. But creating a not-very-persuasive film that essentially reminisces about good times that were actually not good at all is not the way to accomplish that.
The United States of Insanity (2021)
Moronic, stultifying, and extremely time-wasting
Ranks with the worst documentaries ever made. If you enjoy spending time in the company of bloated, foul-mouthed idiots in greasy-looking clown makeup as they talk about themselves ad nauseum, don't miss this disasterpiece. The best sequences are when the clowns talk about their "art", which basically consists of horrendously bad rapping, dropping F-bombs every few seconds, and inciting their fan base of Juggalos to violence. Saints preserve us.
Dirty Tricks (2021)
Takes boredom to a whole new level
If spending the better part of two hours listening to an Israeli bridge-playing narcissist talk about himself is your idea of a fun evening, here's your new favorite documentary. Plus, you get to watch endless home videos of the same narcissist as a young child talking about himself. And if that's not enough to sell you on this stultifying, jaggedly edited portrait of a self-absorbed bridge player, here's more good news: the soundtrack won the Most Annoying Soundtrack Ever award from the Academy of Motion Pictures Devoted to the Game of Bridge, with special mention for incorporating more Israeli rap music than any previous film. If you decide to attempt a viewing, I strongly suggest you keep the remote close at hand, with your thumb hovering above the fast forward button.
Indoctrinate U (2007)
We've heard it all before
More nonsensical twaddle from the radical far right, likely funded by one of the Koch brothers' many shell organizations. If you've got a room-temperature IQ and a collection of MAGA hats, you'll probably love it. If, like most reasonable people, you want to see an educational system that is not beholden to evangelicals, white supremacists, and greedy billionaires determined to rewrite American history, this will not be your cup of tea. Move along, nothing to see here, folks.
Bitchin': The Sound and Fury of Rick James (2021)
Failed attempt at glorifying a minor musician and major predator
The reviewer who called this a puff piece got it exactly right. James is portrayed (mostly by family members and friends) as a master musical genius, a fantastic superstar, when in fact he was nothing more than a flash in the pan. After worshipping at James' altar for most of the film, the interviewees eventually pay very brief lip service to the fact that he was a "troubled soul," which I suppose relieves him of any responsibility for the multiple felonies - assault, rape, kidnapping, torture - he was convicted of. The only thing satisfying about this stultifying bore of a badly constructed and edited film is watching Mr. James turn into a bloated, hulking mess as he ages, the result of all that clean living over the years. The real question isn't whether James will be remembered as a great performer or as a serial predator and drug addict. The real question is whether he'll be remembered at all. I'm betting not.
Higher Love (2020)
A depressing and ultimately pointless watch
This unremarkable slice-of-life documentary focuses on the relationship between a man who is possibly an alcoholic, and his considerably younger girlfriend, who is most assuredly a hardcore junkie. They have a small child together, a toddler. Throughout the repetitive film, the girl wanders off into the nightmare city of Camden, NJ in search of drugs, which she pays for with money earned from prostitution. The boyfriend is then seen searching the streets for her. Eventually, he finds her, begs her to give up her addict lifestyle - and winds up giving her money to buy more drugs. While she is turning tricks and shooting dope into her body, the boyfriend takes care of their child and somehow holds down a job, if the narrative is to be believed. Eventually, the addicted girlfriend agrees to go into treatment - but surprise, surprise, instead she wanders off into Camden again looking to score. This time her beau has had enough and takes a job elsewhere in the country, taking the child with him. There are a few other minor characters whose trajectories are equally exhilarating.
For its entire duration, there is not a single insight into the process of addiction, nor mention of a single solution to the problem. We are just watching the victims of addiction gradually implode. There's more than a hint of exploitation here, as the misery of addicted and degraded human beings is turned into an hour or so of entertainment for the more fortunate. Ordinarily, I would have given this film three stars - it is well shot and the viewer can't help becoming involved in the central narrative - but I feel compelled to provide a counterpoint to the 10-star reviews from the usual one-time reviewers who likely have some connection, financial or familial, to the filmmakers.
Better (2020)
Basically a stage lecture from a guy named Jonathan
I'm posting this review mostly to temper all the 10-star raves. What this is, is a guy named Jonathan, standing on a stage, delivering his standard lecture about the benefits of a zero-carb diet for people who are overweight or have diabetes. (There are also some filler interviews by people who think Jonathan is the cat's pajamas, but basically, it is Jonathan's stage lecture.) It's not really a documentary in the sense of a balanced investigation into anything, yet I am sure people who are seriously overweight and/or suffering from diabetes will find much to ponder here. I have no quarrel with Jonathan's point of view, just writing to let filmgoers know that what you get for your money is essentially a stage lecture by a guy who is touting the benefits of a zero-carb diet.