joe_powell

Assault on Precint 13...in spaaace!

Ghosts of Mars is a film that loves flashbacks. Not content with telling the entire story in a flashback (intercut with pointless "and what happened next?" bits) there are flashbacks within the flashbacks. Sometimes the flashbacks are to things that happened mere moments before and even more annoyingly they aren't even very relevant aspects. Cue a man cutting his own throat in a transport, mere seconds later we are treated to this again as one character tells another what just happened. It defies explanation unless it was aimed at the people who were dipping into their popcorn at the time. This story borrows heavily (read steals) the plot of Assault on Precinct 13. Cops must ally with a criminal (and later his gang) to get out alive. Now lets be honest, the nickname Desolation sounds like a bad hombre to me. Imagine my amusement when Desolation turns out to be an amiable slightly chubby black guy who is indeed a criminal but it's hard to imagine how he got his nickname. It's just the start of the nonsense though. Whilst Precinct 13 had homicidal gang members the bad guys in this film are all martians. Oh no, not costly special effects requiring martians, just people possessed by the desiccated ghosts of mars. When we first see some of the victims of martian control they are indeed freaky. Give it 10 minutes though and they seem to have abandoned the convincing makeup and given them a Kiss (the band) style makeover. This is just rubbish but fair enough, money is tight. What isn't so good though is that the film degenerates into endless fight scenes with totally over the top "rawk" music over the top. This kills any kind of credibility that the film might have had in my eyes. Also rather noticeable is the way that everyone in the film fights in chop-suey kong fu moves. OK I can buy that a futuristic police force might be skilled in martial arts but miners taken over by dead aliens? It all seems rather thin at this point but it gets even sillier. Having escaped the homicidal maniacs the plot has assuredly run dry so they decide to go back to nuke them all by blowing up what must the most poorly secured power station ever. Jimmy that lock off, ah there we go - now where's that huge red flashing button..It's such a shame because the start of the film looks promising. Mars is brought to life (no pun intended) very well and looks excellent. The structures and the train that's a key part to the film look very convincing too for the most part and the acting is passable. What really irritated me was the ending. It seemed to come at the point where the budget ran out and has all the 'what happens next?' awfulness of a 70's movie. I personally hated this film after about the first half but as ever I struggled on. If you're going to steal a plot from another movie you could at least provide an ending! Precinct 13 did and it was far better for it. I give this movie two dried up maritan aliens out of five.

Jaws, the original film, was a frightening and well crafted film that had an impact on generations of film goers. Can you honestly swim in the sea without the tiniest orchestra in the world playing the theme music in your subconscious? Its a shame then that Jaws II and all the films that followed it are so bad. Its hard to criticise the plot in Jaws II as its virtually identical to the first film. You still get a chief of police trying to convince a disbelieving community that there is a great white off their coast. Now forgive me but if I had laughed off such suggestions the first time round only to have a huge shark chomp its way through some of the population a second time round I'd be more willing to listen. It seems not though. There is no mileage made of the "you were right last time but.." angle, in fact only the chief seems to ever mention that this has happened before. One of the best bits of the first film was the sinister glimpses of the shark itself. In Jaws II though you see plenty of it, and it looks as rubbber as you could want. In one scene the shark brushes against a boat and can be seen to visibly bend as rubber meets wood. This is not good, less is more sometimes. The only thing to commend Jaws II is that the obnoxious shark investigator appears only briefly. She has all the charisma of a dead whale herself and looks completely bored by the whole thing. If ever there was an actress who had no screen presence at all it's her. The rest of the cast do their best rehashing the original plot but understandably they seem a bit weary. I can't think of any reason to watch this film over the original. The original is far scarier and Jaws 3d is by far the more amusing for bad film fans.

Well now, this really is a sad effort falling between the enviable status of an honest-to-god bad movie watchable for laughs and a passable horror flick. Joan Collins is an ex-stripper who is cursed by a horny dwalf (little people are in league with the devil presumably) and goes on to have a baby with her Italian husband. Now there are rare treats to be had in this film to give it its due. First of them is seeing Joan Collins performing an erotic dance at her strip club. I've never actually been to such a club and its fairly obvious to the viewer that Joan hasn't either. Her dance is so entirely unerotic and daft as to serve as a warning that what is to follow will be of the lowest possible quality. Of course no strip club is complete without a sweaty dwalf dressed as a jester or in a top hat. The dwalf in question rants about her having a baby by the devil and lo and behold she does have a freaky child. The only problem is that the baby shown is entirely normal looking. All devilish action happening off screen and then cutting back to the decidedly unmenacing kid. Rosemarys baby and The Omen both showed that kids can be quite scary. This film though decides not to give the child ungodly mental powers, or spiritual domination as its forte instead relying on it having immense physical strength. That's right, this little tyke will push you into lakes, scratch your face etc. All of this is incredibly silly to start with but cutting from Collins leaning into the crib to her with a scratch on her face doesn't exactly create fear. The means by which the baby inflicts its reign of chubby terror on the cast is daft, nonsensical and entirely unscary. Except perhaps for the workman who gets a mouse put in his cup of tea because that was about the only act of terror that the child could conceivably achieve on its own. Especially silly is the suggestion that it keeps clawing people, since its tiny fingers are shown several times and its quite clear it has normal little fingers with no claws just tiny baby fingernails. There are more treats though, especially for anyone who lives in London where it is set. The curiosity value of seeing police on the streets, working telephone boxes, parking spaces and other symbols of the past might just be enough to keep you watching. I was also fascinated by Joans non-acting friend who seems unable to utter a single line without gesturing wildly and adding "darling" to it. In the finale an exorcism is performed by the husbands sister who happens to be a penguin (nun) however she seems to have forgotten several ingredients. A book, bell, candle, feasible latin and a priest would surely have helped. Luckily this doesn't seem to be a problem, even Satan seems keen to be out of the film, and all ends well. Unfortunately you may be thinking that this is a watchable if naff horror film but I've neglected to mention the bits that will put any sane viewer off. A good portion of the film has the same loud sound effect of a baby screaming and crying through it, rendering it extremely irritating. I personally ended up with a thumping headache after forcing myself to watch it to the bitter end. Added to this every sound effect, especially telephones, make twice as much noise as they should causing you to constantly adjust the sound. To cap it all the title doesn't even make sense and has no relevance to the story presented. Unless seeing Joan Collins groped by a dwalf is high on your must-see list then this film offers nothing other than a headache and a laugh at some totally inept scripting and a nun with all the Italian authenticity of the Mario brothers.