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Intrépidos punks (1988)
Sexo, drogas, violencia!
Intrepid Hells Angels-style Mexican bearded punks with inverse Mohawks, led by a silicone-implanted blonde superstripper and a masked pro wrestler in gold costume, go around robbing, blackmailing, and raping people, sometimes lighting them on fire while playing rock tunes in neighboring rooms or enjoying a casual game of Russian roulette, until they manage to upset both the mob and the authorities, who call upon a duet of uncharismatic supercops to put a stop to their reign of over-the-top terror as well as end corruption in general in rural Mexico.
Recommended.
Troll 2 (1990)
It's Nilbog because Llort looks too stupid
Vegetarian goblins who look like humans but are ruled by bona fide goblins clad in burlap, as well as a deranged evil witch who seduces men with popcorn plan to eat whiny little boy Joshua's clueless family, visitors to the goblins' hometown of Nilbog, and Joshua's lunatic break-dancing sister's boyfriend and his idiot friends by luring them to ingest day-glo green colored food and bad milk which turns them into plants while Joshua's grandfather's ghost tries to alert Joshua of the imminent danger by continually appearing at random moments and occasionally providing bologna.
Recommended.
Hobgoblins (1988)
"You're not young like you used to be"
At times grating, at times hilarious, yet always exceptionally horrendous, Hobgoblins stands out for its immense stupidity and ineptitude. It fails so throughly in so many ways that it deserves a viewing based on that merit alone.
It's hard for a movie this bad to fail at being top quality trash, but Hobgoblins somehow manages to. Hobgoblins even fails to deliver some good ole-fashioned nudity, even when the story provides clear opportunities for it. The ultimate insult is when Amy, the main character's overly prudish, incredibly demanding and all-around despicable girlfriend, possessed by gremlins and overcome by her real subconscious urges to become a superslut, performs an impromptu strip act at Club Scum and (this is the insulting part) ... doesn't show any skin! What a failure. I would have subtracted five stars for that letdown alone were it not for the marvelous use of grenades that follows shortly after, a fantastic display in which one character gets blown up at point-blank range, and another goes up in flames and runs around screaming while on fire.
There are enough hilarious moments here to amuse trash seekers, though not enough to place Hobgoblins anywhere close to the top of their list. Mildly recommended.
Down Town (1975)
"You're sleeping with another one, that I don't care about"
It's always amusing to watch Jess Franco convert the elements of any film genre into a confused, sleazy spectacle, and Downtown: Die Nackten Puppen der Underwelt is no exception. As if the genre of film noir wasn't already replete with clichéd scenarios, here comes Jess Franco's interpretation, a furiously banal, incredibly sloppy, crotch-shot-filled piece of cinematic madness that's overall worth watching.
Downtown tells the story of a private detective and two con-women strippers, one of whom sings hilarious showtunes in English, even though it's clear she doesn't understand a word of what she's saying. It stars Franco, no less, in the main role, and features much of the cast of other Franco/Dietrich collaborations, including the scrumptious Martine Stedil and of course, Lina Romay. The latter two partake in ample nude squirming, in an admirable attempt to portray sexual activity.
The story of Downtown doesn't so much unfold before your eyes as it is babbled at you in rapid-fire, bullet-speed dubbed German narration and dialog spoken by a bunch of naked non-German-speaking actors. There's much talk about what's taking place and why, but not much action to depict it on screen, with most of the non-narrated footage devoted to the aforementioned nude squirming and occasional night club music acts. However, to Franco's credit, Downtown's storyline, though confusing and at times insane, is more developed than in most of his other flicks.
I recommend Downtown over other Franco/Dietrich features like Sexy Sisters or Rolls-Royce Baby, but definitely not over Barbed Wire Dolls.
El tesoro de la diosa blanca (1983)
Worthwhile piece of cheap garbage
Champion exploitation director Jess Franco provides another installment of his brief yet prolific jungle trash series with Diamonds of the Kilimanjaro AKA The Treasure of the White Goddess AKA a bunch of other titles. The movie shares a lot with the more notable Devil Hunter, another Franco flick from around the same era: some of the "native" music is the same, the cannibal-in-chief is the same actress in both movies, and the overall confused hodge-podge of half-baked themes is similar. Of course, there's also Franco's mandatory home-video style panning and zooming into random things (usually leaves), the totally inappropriate groovy jazz music, and that distinctive trash element that marks all of Franco's oeuvre.
Diamonds of Kilimanjaro has a deceptively complex plot, a story so confusing that a reasonable synopsis is impossible. A tribe of English-speaking island aborigines ruled by a drunken Scotsman kill all trespassers who attempt to steal their diamonds, except when convinced otherwise by their Goddess, Diana, a topless teenage white girl. Things get interesting when Diana's mother sends an assortment of bickering bounty hunters to return her daughter to civilization. When not arguing eternally over where they should cross the river, the rescuers develop alternate clandestine plans, including bringing back Diana but stealing the diamonds, not bringing back Diana and stealing the diamonds, murdering Diana and stealing diamonds, marrying Diana and bringing her back with the diamonds, marrying Diana but not bringing her back (forgetting the diamonds), and a few others. Just about everyone dies in the process of figuring this out, sometimes in the nude. At one point Jess Franco answers (again) the rarely asked question of whether it's possible to have a plot twist without having a plot to begin with.
Those who expected a Euro-cannibal fest here should have known better. In fact, anyone who knows Franco and expected something other than what he saw needs to have himself examined. Those seeking the ever-elusive Franco "gem" might be disappointed, as usual, but might find enough cheap thrills and mind-bending confusion to make Diamonds of the Kilimanjaro worthwhile.
Rolls Royce Baby (1975)
Almost good.
Lina Romay plays the "Rolls-Royce Baby", an irresistible Erotic Diva who rides around in -you guessed it- a Rolls-Royce in search for simulated sex with strangers. She is chauffeured by the great and multi-talented Eric Falk ("Barbed Wire Dolls"), a staple in Edwin C. Dietrich's line of bland-yet-intriguing "erotic" flicks. Here Falk sets aside his usual role as verbal abuser and whipper of female prison inmates to showcase his tender side, his furious nude karate technique, and his ability to drive a Rolls-Royce extremely slowly through the Swiss countryside.
Like in "Gefangene Frauen" AKA "Island Women", Dietrich's sense of light and color adds visual appeal to a fairly dull storyline, which makes this film almost watchable. Another plus is that the film adheres strictly to Dietrich's 10 second rule, which dictates that no more than 10 seconds shall pass without on-screen nudity, preferably in the form of close-ups of female pubes. Yet despite the undeniable effectiveness of these techniques, "Rolls-Royce Baby" starts to fall apart after only twenty minutes, thanks to the complete absence of anything resembling a plot.
It's fair to say that this film doesn't qualify as good by virtually any standards, including prurient ones. Falk almost saves the day with his atrocious performance and spectacular martial arts displays, but doesn't overcome the meandering, repetitive "plot" that eventually calls for the fast-forward button. It's probably best to stay away from this film.
Ölüm Savasçisi (1984)
Wow. A treasure.
In Ölüm Savasçisi ("Death Warrior"), action hero Cuneyt Arkin saves the world, turk-fu style, from gangs of sadistic ninja doppelgangers who attack defenseless civilians for fun, sometimes assisted by the Yeti. These deadly fighters are the product of a rigorous, almost non-stop training curriculum in which they observe continuous demonstrations by the Death Warrior and sometimes get killed in the learning process. Those who are tough enough to survive the ongoing and never-ending training sessions put their techniques to practice by brutally assassinating random innocent folks while the latter lounge around by the pool or listen to their favorite disco records.
Eventually, this mayhem comes to the attention of super-cop Cuneyt Arkin (star of "Dunanyi Kurtaram Adam"), who takes time off from hanging out at the beach to unleash a deadly can of whoop-ass upon the perpetrators in a fashion that eludes verbal description.
Ölüm Savasçisi is the kind of film that trash lovers dream about. It's the only un-subtitled foreign-language film that I have sat through twice in its entirety, not understanding a single word of dialog yet cherishing every mind-devastating moment. Highly recommended.
Frauengefängnis (1976)
I'll die like a queen, even though i never lived like one
Women in Prison movies come in several styles, ranging from tongue-in-cheek camp to disturbingly sadistic shockfests. Barbed Wire Dolls is a Jess Franco flick, so, as expected, it doesn't really fit into any pigeonhole. Overall, it feels like watching a repressed old man's secret fantasies, reenacted half-assedly over the course of a three-day weekend by Franco's friends in exchange for a free flight ticket. The extremely low budget is clearly visible in every aspect of the movie, including the film quality, which is barely a step above that of a Mexican soap opera or 80s late-night infomercial.
Watching Frauengefangnis is like performing an experiment on yourself. The painfully slow pace, downbeat soundtrack, eternal scenes of pointless verbal abuse, mock torture, and idiotic dialog gradually turn your brain into glue. The movie is so sleazy, depressing, and confusing, that it's almost unwatchable in one sitting.
The creepy effect of this movie doesn't come from graphic violence, as there is none. What's disturbing is how tame and lifeless everything feels, given what's supposed to be taking place. For example, it's unnerving to watch a woman laugh while she gets tortured. The laughing isn't part of the script, but on more than one occasion, actresses in this movie unintentionally crack up throughout what's supposed to be a torture or a rape scene. The effect it at once comical, disorienting and depressing. Highly recommended.
Gefangene Frauen (1980)
Everyone undress!
Though Gefangene Frauen masquerades as a Women In Prison movie, it's more like the collected footage of some people on a nudist vacation, shot between meals and sight-seeing, sort of like a nude Sports Illustrated Prison Swimsuit video. The plot is slapped together in normal euro-trash fashion, and takes up very little of this flick, which is a shame, since it's really pretty comical. At one point there's three consecutive coup d'états in the span of ten minutes. The dialog is scant but always poignant:
Warden: "You cannot and will not leave this island. As a reminder you will no longer wear your clothes. Everyone undress!"
.. which is thought-provoking, since everyone (including the warden and the guards) was already undressed almost the whole time. But now it's for real.
Directed and written by Edwin Dietrich, euro-smut-peddler extraordinaire, Gefangene Frauen takes place mostly outdoors in what seems like a Mediterranean island. The light is crisp and the color is subtly beautiful, which is rare for a flick of this caliber. It helps that the cast is completely nude throughout almost the entire duration of the movie, be they in their cells, or performing manual labor (ie. throwing small rocks around) in the countryside.
Gefangene Frauen dispenses with the sadistic aspects of the genre, and focuses mostly on nudity and getting the scenes shot before dinner time. It's a good movie to play in the background while doing something else, though it's a must to pay attention any time there's dialog.
Eva nera (1976)
Mystifying blandness
Eva Nera (AKA Black Cobra) is my favorite entry in Joe D'Amato's infamous "Black Emanuelle" series. Also known as "Emanuelle Goes Japanese", this film features no characters named Emanuelle, and doesn't take place in (or in any way allude to) the country of Japan. Other than these minor details, Eva Nera exhibits every other trait of a Black Emanuelle movie, including of course Laura Gemser as the main character, and the ever-present douche-bag Gabriele Tinti lurking somewhere in the cast. And though this movie lacks some of the overt acts of depravity that other Emanuelle flicks are known for, it offers three times that in the form of a more subtle weirdness.
The movie begins with Eva's arrival in Hong Kong. Played by the beautifully boring Laura Gemser, Eva's character is essentially the same as Black Emanuelle: a frigid, vapid, nonchalantly nymphomaniacal bisexual nudist mannequin-like temptress. Unlike Emanuelle, who is a reporter, Eva is a snake dancer. Here we use the term "dancer" loosely to mean standing around naked and arrhythmically flailing your arms while holding a live snake.
As you would expect from Joe D'Amato, the story that follows is totally nondescript and irrational, and mostly serves as a vehicle for him to express his most banal ideas of what constitutes eroticism. The remarkable thing is that, unlike other of his creations, like say Emanuelle and The Last Cannibals, here D'Amato tries to exercise restraint, which results in a bizarre, watered-down version of the typical D'Amato fetishes. Included are the mandatory nudism, lesbianism, morbidness, and the gawking fascination with all things foreign and Exotic that characterizes D'Amato's work, minus the ultra-violent sadism that he's also famous for. Along the way, D'Amato's camera still manages to objectify and diminish every single living and non-living thing it gazes upon, whether it be the bland characters, the city of Hong Kong, those oh-so-dangerous snakes, or deeper aspects of human experience such as love and death.
None of this would stand out much were it not for two key elements that make Eva Nera exceptional: the haunting euro-soundtrack and the mind-blowingly strange performance by Jack Palance, whose character is so freakin' weird it defies description. Highly recommended.
The Return of the Living Dead (1985)
Successful mix of horror and comedy
Return of the Living Dead is a great low-budget zombie flick that's both scary and funny. It's more intelligent that most other horror spoofs out there, and more thought-out than many supposedly serious zombie movies. The bulk of the humor comes from fairly understated parody of horror clichés and from clever exploitation of the discomfort we feel in the face of a seemingly unsolvable crisis.
The movie begins with the accidental leak of a toxic chemical in a medical supply warehouse. It appears at first to be a manageable screw-up, but the situation quickly spirals into a full-blown zombie epidemic. As the crisis gets progressively more out of control, Return of the Living Dead gets more frightening and humorous, at the same time.
Blade (1998)
Somewhat entertaining, but overall kind of a waste.
I like the overall premise of Blade: the idea that there's an underworld society of vampires living among us has a lot to offer in terms of paranoid horror. I also liked the idea behind the main character: Blade, played by Wesley Snipes, is a renegade vigilante half-vampire who fights against the underworld while having to keep his own vamp urges in check.
Sadly, I didn't like much else in this movie: the huge potential for creepiness was discarded in favor of non-stop video game-like action, any hint of atmosphere was destroyed by that annoying camera work (first jerky, then slow-motion) that's characteristic of today's action movies and music videos, and the overall look of the movie is dominated by a pretty obnoxious Cigar-and-Martini/GQ-style fashion sense.
I enjoyed the opening action sequences, and a bit of what followed, but Blade became increasingly stupid, and by the half-way point I was pretty much through with it.
Dünyayi Kurtaran Adam (1982)
The Galaxy Era is My Immortality Era
"Dünyayi kurtaran adam" (The Man Who Saved the Earth) is the story of "strongest and greatest two Turkish warriors" who save planet Earth from the forces of Evil. It takes place during the so-called Galaxy Era, an era when the Earth (already shattered to pieces) is on its way to total destruction, barely held together by a protective shield made out of powdered human brains.
The movie is inspired by the cult movie "Star Wars", made by George Lucas a few years before its Turkish counterpart was released. The American version was an ambitious effort: Lucas sought to show not only that Good can triumph over Evil, even in Outer Space, but also that it's possible to sell action figures of characters that receive less than ten seconds of screen time, and in doing so, become one of the richest people on Earth. "Dünyayi kurtaran adam" builds upon these ideas, yet does not forget to acknowledge Lucas' influence. If you look closely, you might notice that director Çetin Inanç has cleverly interwoven random footage from the original, yet given it a new context (and aspect ratio) that provides a unique and compelling insight into the Human Condition.
It should not go without saying that Dünyayi Kurtaran Adam was made in a time when government restrictions in Turkey prohibited the viewing of films from abroad. In that light, one can only imagine the joy that the Turkish people must have felt when blessed by this release, and the gratitude they must have felt toward their otherwise oppressive government.
The Da Vinci Code (2006)
Doesn't measure up to the book
At the risk of sounding clichéd, I'll say the book is better than the movie, even though I haven't read the book. But it can't be worse than the movie.
The movie begins with people breaking in an out of the Louvre like it's no thing. I'm going to try it next time I visit Paris. At one point, I think one of the characters forgets something there (after already having broken in), so breaks in again to get it.
After the whole Louvre bit, other things happen, none worthy of mention.
Interesting trivia: this is the first movie in which Tom Hanks was hired under a strictly-no-acting contract, and he delivers.
Warning: This film might upset you if you're a devout Christian, due to its scientific inaccuracies.
X-Men: The Last Stand (2006)
Introducing ... everyone!
X-Men: The Last Stand is the simple story of about two-hundred different superheroes ("mutants"), each with his/her own special super-powers. There's a guy who shoots fire, a guy with nails coming out of his head, a really strong guy who lunges at people really hard, and another couple of hundred characters or so to keep track of. Some of these mutants have super-powers that are roughly equivalent to those of Jesus. Jean Grey, for example, can blow up an entire town just by thinking about it, and Magneto can throw cars around by pointing at them.
This movie has five plots. One of the plots is that there's now a "cure" for mutants that converts them into regular human beings. Naturally, most mutants are upset that their condition is being referred to as a disease, and there's much turmoil and disagreement amid the mutant community as to how to address the so-called cure, which results in several billion dollars worth of property damage.
One can't help but notice an attempt at drawing a parallel between the mutant cure in the X-Men's world and the recent claims of a cure for homosexuality in our own non-Marvel(tm) reality. The deep political message is that just because someone is different, it doesn't make him bad, and we shouldn't try to "cure" him. The problem with the parallel is that to my knowledge, homosexuals don't really have the power to shoot flames out of their fingers, or make my house explode just by closing their eyes. If they did, I'd definitely be a homophobe. So the analogy doesn't quite work.
Come to think of it, none of this movie works. The only saving grace of this flick is blue Fraser and that very sexy naked blue girl who's pretty bad-ass.
Who would have thought that blue people would be so cool?
The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)
Somebody please help me
Imagine a distant world in a forgotten era, a world where the good must struggle against the darkest evil. In this legendary world live an assortment of creatures that range from regular-size humans to different varieties of short people, some of whom can perform magic. It is a magical world where everything is completely predictable, and there are barely any women and no sexy people. This world is called Middle Earth.
You can learn all about Middle Earth by reading J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of The Rings trilogy, a story that shows Tolkien's desire to spend as much time away from his wife as possible. As a reading experience, it's akin to studying several History text books, only less interesting and you don't learn anything. The movie is fairly loyal to these ideas, and reinforces the attack on the innocent viewer with its expensive special effects and overwhelming, mind-numbing beauty.
Lord of the Rings is the story of a ring: the One Ring. You won't be forgetting this, trust me, as you will see many shots of it in the movie, usually in slow motion. There's another seven or eight rings too, but this one's The One. This ring is very, very powerful and hence very, very dangerous, so dangerous that most folk would succumb to it and become deranged freaks with distorted faces. It therefore makes sense that the chosen bearer of this ring should be Frodo, a lobotomized moron who can never quite figure out what the hell is going on, as emphasized by his never-ending dumbfounded facial expression, which we get to see (again in slow motion) approximately 300 times throughout the trilogy. This idiot is who we the viewers are supposed to relate to.
Now the main story goes like this: a crew made up of Frodo, his retard sidekick, an unshaven human, a dwarf, an archer who can't act (brilliantly played by Orlando Bloom), and some other people faking Irish accents set out on a journey to do whatever it is that had to be done with the One Ring. This entails fighting a whole lot of orcs time and time again. Even when you thought they were all dead, another 4000 orcs show up, always ready and willing to be killed in large numbers rather than simply commit suicide in the comfort of their homes. There's also Saruman and the similarly named Sauron, who play very important nondescript roles. As an interlude to each battle our friends go through, there's a slow motion scene of Frodo's idiotic expression as he stares at the ring for the fortieth time.
In summary: This movie is an ambitious attempt to end all humanity.
Ach jodel mir noch einen - Stosstrupp Venus bläst zum Angriff (1974)
I've never had a blowjob french-style
Don't be fooled: this isn't yet another tired example of the Girls From Outer Space Pretending To Be The French Ski Team Come To Earth To Collect As Much Sperm As Possible genre, though the synopsis may suggest otherwise. This movie is a gem, an absolute jewel that has enriched my life from the moment I laid eyes upon it. Hilarious, exhilarating, action-packed, and stunningly erotic, "Ach jodel mir noch einen" is a Euro-Madcap Tour-De-Force, a grossly underrated Bavarian classic.
Stop everything you are doing and run out to rent, or better yet, BUY this movie immediately.