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Canary Black (2024)
Pant by numbers low budget John Wick ripoff
Movies like this are a dime a dozen. Cast a B lister or A list star past their prime to take on armies of faceless goons in unrealistic gun-fu action scenes with digital muzzle flashes and blood.
Nobody, The Beekeeper, Kate, Monkey Man, Gunpowder Milkshake, Peppermint, Silent Night, The Mother, The Equalizer, Boy Kills World, Anna... just to name a few of the more prolific ones. Most are trash.
Now Kate Beckinsale throws her hat in the ring with a late entry. She wouldn't have been my first choice for this kind of role. She's aged considerably since her day, and clearly hasn't spent too much time training for her role. She struggles to run in the ridiculous boots they put her in, and her throat cancer voice is at odds with her youthful getup. That's not to say she's a bad actress, she's fine in dramatic scenes and conveys enough toughness and darkness to excel in a dark or erotic thriller. But I don't buy her as an action heroine anymore.
But that's not the reason why this and most John Wick clones fail where the original succeeds. Nor is it the writing. The Beekeeper was arguably better written than most of the John Wick movies, but it still failed to captivate.
What it really boils down to is: Music + Pacing + Style (locations and lighting) + Dialogue. Get those right, and your plot can be as simple as a guy taking revenge on gangsters for killing his dog. This is where most of these films failed. Kate had the neon stylings but messed up with terrible J-pop music choices. The Beekeeper's score was too hollywood and the film never felt like an operatic ballet of violence. And here, the score is just background noise. Generic junk that could have just as well been created by Suno or any other AI.
If you want to choreograph your action and violence like a dance, you need a catchy tune to set it to. The score is, without a doubt, Canary Blacks biggest flaw. That's not to say the rest is good. While the first location is great, most are generic east european disbanded houses. The writing is by the numbers with a predictable by the numbers plot. Secret agent is blackmailed into going against her own agency and has to both prove her innocence and save the one she loves (who of course doesn't know her true occupation). You've seen it a hundred times before.
The pacing is uneven, but at least not as slow as some other low budget films.
The lighting and color grading are good. They resisted the urge to desaturate a movie just because it plays in East Europe.
The cast is decent, with the late Ray Stevenson adding some gravitas and charisma.
If you love these kinds of movies, go for it. Personally, I'm getting tired of these. I want to see some real squibs again and a plot that doesn't take itself so damn seriously all the time.
PS: Now that Kate Beckinsale has done one of these, how long until Milla Jovovich and Olga Kurylenko make one?
Tulsa King: Back in the Saddle (2024)
Great cast wasted on a meandering nothingburger story
Season 2 picks up where Season 1 left off. Sly has to deal with his bribery investigation, and two new criminals who don't take kindly to him encroaching on their turf.
These are played by the always excellent Neil McDonough and Frank Grillo. Great casting, and whenever they're on screen, things get interesting. Unfortunately, the supporting cast rarely get to shine.
There are way too many characters, too many plot lines to keep track of. Characters appear for 3 minutes in an episode only for their little mini storyline to be continued in the next episode in another 3 minute increment.
There's too much going on. The trial, the bar, the criminal activities from the side characters, the horse farm, the wind park side plot, the driver and his dad, the pot farming business, the strained relationship with his former buddy from New York, the mob from New York and two new local villains one of whom is also connected to the New York mob. And two love interests.
Nothing except the first love interest, the trial, the local villains and the pot farm is interesting.
Most scenes consist of characters sitting and talking. There's very little dynamic going on.
A waste of talent.
Subservience (2024)
Surprisingly good AI Thriller, played to perfection by Megan Fox
I love AI sci fi and horror, so the trailer for Subservience immediately piqued my interest. The trailer makes the film look a lot trashier than it is, like a lower budget version of M3gan. While there are some similarities, I enjoyed Subservience more.
From a technical standpoint, while somewhat low budget, the film is beautifully shot, with clever use of focus, reflections and lots of wide angle shots. No awful closeups, no shaky cam, the photography, lighting and camera work are gorgeous and put several high budget films to shame (looking at you, Disney). The color grading is perfect as well. Vibrant, natural colors, not the washed out, yellow and cyan filter used in virtually everything these days.
The plot revolves around the theme of AI replacing humans. We see construction and service workers being replaced by robots, and eventually even doctors. And at its core, the story is about Megan Fox's Alice Robot taking on the role of the wife in the family.
Here is where the script could have been improved. The initial scenes of her taking on roles in the household and approaching problems with a purely rational motivation are great. But the way the film explains why she suddenly bypasses all her failsafes is far fetched und poorly thought out. Still, some of the dialogues are very clever, and I laughed out a few times when Alice sounds just like ChatGPT or Claude when she apologizes or tells a human to f off. "Perhaps we can continue this conversation at a later time".
Megan Fox gets a lot of underserved hate. I never understood why, and I immensely enjoyed her performance here. She plays the creepy robot to perfection. She never feels as gimmicky as the robot in M3gan did.
Granted, she's a little old for a service robot role, but her plastic surgery gives her just the right amount of uncanniness. She does a lot with her body language here, from the way she rotates her to the unnatural calm and fake smiles. Alice feels increasingly unsetteling, which is exactly what you want out of your AI horror.
The male lead is a mixed bag. He has a french accent, which can be distracting. He underreacts in several scenes, for example when they initially meet Alice, but is strong in others.
Madeline Zima as the mother delivers a solid performance conveying all the necessary vulnerability, and the girl who played the daughter was excellent as well. Usually kids in movies are annoying, and Subservience does something very clever with this and incorporates it into the plot.
A b-plot deals with workers being replaced by AI robots, but is never really explored enough to justify its runtime. But they needed some actions scenes and societal ethics questions I suppose. It's fine.
The finale feels very Terminator. However, I found the editing and music in that scene to be weak. The score is ambient almost melancholic, and it doesn't really fit the action. I would have preferred something with a greater sense of urgency and somewhat tighter editing for that scene. Other than that, excellent AI horror. "The Hand that rocks a Cradle" with a robot. Well written and performed, beautifully shot and a lot of fun. It's not Blade Runner or Deus Ex of course, but iI thoroughly enjoyed it.
Longlegs (2024)
Visually stunning, but falls apart around the middle
If Longlegs proves anything, it's the effectiveness of good cinematography. Much of the suspense in this movie comes from the way scenes are shot with wide angle lenses, with several avenues of attack open for potential jump scares or appearances by the killer. With the opening kills, the film establishes an effective feeling of dread. The scenes of the lead character alone in her cabin, seemingly watched from outside through huge windows that leave her vulnerable to the unknown, are particularly frightening.
Unfortunately, the protagonist is where the problems start, and unfortunately they only get worse as its minimalist plot creeps ahead.
Monroe's lead is supposed to have psychic ability (always a cheap writing device). It's never really explained, and seemingly forgotten. She seems socially inept, which is shown during the awful scenes with her CO's daughter. During those scenes, the story began to fall apart, and I realized it wasn't going to get any better.
Consider the scene: The FBI CO arrives home after midnight, brings a young attractive female officer along unannounced, and the first thing that happens is the teenage daughter asks "do you want to see my room?". The next scene we see the two sitting back to back on her bed. Does the writer know how humans interact?
Yes, I get it's supposed to establish a connection that pays off later (poorly), and show Monroe's character as socially inept, but the movie grinds to a halt, and gives you ample time to realize that the writing just went off the rails.
It doesn't get any better. Nicholas Cage gets a bit of screentime. Most of it is just him singing or acting weird. He rarely feels menacing when he's on screen.
The twist and reveals can be seen coming a mile away, primarily because they're the most inept, contrived manner in which to ruin the good initial setup and mystery.
I can't think of any instance where a film that starts as a serial killer thriller benefits from changing gears into supernatural horror. The serial killer genre is so much more interesting and engaging (Seven, Manhunter, Silence of the Lambs).
A missed opportunity, since there movie is so well crafted and there's a lot of talent on display. But as with many modern films, writing and pacing are a problem.
Alien: Romulus (2024)
Dumbed down Disney product without ambition
Memberberries galore.
After Ridley Scott's cerebral Prometheus, the studio got cold feet and wanted more classic monster horror. Alien: Covenant was a first step down, but still had some brilliant ideas, mainly involving the android David.
But for the lunkheads at Disney, even that was too cerebral, and they did the only thing they could do:
Take out everything that was interesting or intelligent and add memberberries.
Granted, it could have been worse. The production design is surprisingly good, and Fede Alvarez is a decent if somewhat limited director. But conceptually, the film is a mess.
For one, most of the actors speak in such a heavy British accent that it borders on parody. "Deys sumtin in da woha" ("There's something in the water"). It's ridiculous.
Disney wanted to return Alien to the original, but forgot that part of the original's charm was that the characters didn't act like slasher movie victims. They were professionals, intelligent and capable, and still fell victim to the Alien.
In Romulus, they act like teenagers, shoving each other around (while one of them has a facehugger on them), yelling at the android, and constantly swearing.
The main character's backstory is the usual anti-capitalist propaganda we've come to expect from Disney, with Weyland-Yutani exploiting her planet as slave labor. Yes, the anti-corporate overtones were in the original films, but they're far less subtle and intelligent here.
Nuance? That's banned at the house of mouse. Can't make a gazillion dollars at the box office, unless you target the IQ <70 crowd.
The movie blatantly steals ideas from precious alien movies. Including the big idea from Alien: Resurrection.
A character from Alien 1 shows up. You can probably imagine who. The CGI is as atrocious as you'd expect.
The film's does excep when it comes to action and horror. Those scenes were well shot, intense, properly disgusting. The exterior space scenes looked great, too.
Still, I would rather rewatch the last two Ridley Scott films than this paint by numbers effort.
Mortal Kombat (1995)
Not a Flawless Victory
If you were a kid in the 90s, Mortal Kombat held a special place in your heart. No, it wasn't Star Wars, it wasn't clean something your parents introduced you to. Nor was it something your parents tolerated, like Ninja Turtles. Mortal Kombat was what seperated the independent minded from the sheep, those in the know from those not.
Mortal Kombat were the games you played when your parents weren't around, at the arcade (if you were in the US) or at a friend's house (for those in Europe). The games were steeped in mythology, extensive worldbuilding, and filled to the brim with secrets. Hidden fighters, and of course: Fatalities. Unlike in Street Fighter, where a round ended in a KO, at the end of a round of Mortal Kombat the announcer demanded you "finish" your opponent. To finish was to massacre. Decaptitate, impale, burn, freeze, split in half, puke acid on them... it was glorious. It was the game that sent our parents and even Congress into conniptions. All those uncool old people... their outrage made the game even better.
Imagine then, when that first trailer for the movie showed up between morning cartoons? Every kid wanted to see this film. The trailer made it look like the greatest film ever. All the recognizable characters, special movies, great production design... we couldn't wait to see Sub Zero and Scorpion's rivalry play out on the big screen, see Sub Zero pull out someone's spine...
Well, that wasn't quite what we got. For one, the PG-13 rating meant that the film was virtually bloodless. The story was dumbed down and instead of much of the lore and complex character dynamics, a bunch of uninteresting other characters were introduced. Who the heck is Art Lean? Why does Liu Kang have a brother? Who was the random black guy Liu Kang was fighting? Was that Nimbus Terrafaux? Why is Shao Kahn a giant ghost?
The studio and filmmakers didn't trust the source material or the intelligence of their audience. But the things they got right, they got perfectly right.
The costumes were perfect. The Ninjas in particular looked menacing and better than anyone could have hoped. The actors were all great (except Sonya who was kind of just there). Johnny Cage was a ton of fun, Shang Tsung was menacing and delightfully evil, Kano was vile and the Goro puppet in particular was lovingly crafted and animated. It looked fantastic. Christopher Lambert brought some star power and gravitas, while knowing exactly what kind of movie he was in.
The techno / trance music was different from anything heard up until that point. And the fights... oh the fights. They were choreographed more like dances, beautiful to look at, and among the most artistic fight choreography in American movies up until that point. This wasn't your father's action movies, where guys took turns punching each other. People were doing backflips, saltos, acrobatics, kicking each other through walls... The Scorpion fight in particular was a highlight.
Until... they actually did it. They brought the secret character to the big screen. "Reptile". Out of nowhere the game announcer names the character all of us had spent hours trying to find. Once he appeared and that 140bpm techno music kicked in, the theatre erupted in cheers. That fight alone was worth the price of admission.
Unfortunately the movie's final 20 minutes are a boring slog, as the narrative grinds to a halt.
But other than that, the film is a lot of fun. It doesn't take itself seriously and delivers a visually stunning hommage to the game. It's very much a movie of the 90s in every regard, loud and stupid without a hint of substance, relying purely on spectacle.
And I'm fine with that. It's a hundred times more enjoyable than the dreadful reboot that came out some 25 years later.
Lady Dragon 2 (1993)
Such a WEIRD film
This has to be one of the most spectacular cases of aiming high and missing by a mile.
In the early 90s, a slew of actors tried to break into action stardom in the post-Cannon movie world. Among hopefuls like of Daniel Bernhardt, Thomas Ian Griffith, Jeff Speakman, Jeff Wincott, Oliver Gruner, Gary Daniels and others, there was a lone female martial artist: Cynthia Rothrock. After some Hong Kong movies with amazing stunts, her American films were notable for much less impressive stuntwork, low production value and lots of cheese (like the meme final fight in Undefeated). Her early American films were usually low budget LA movies that tried to make her a star and are notable for aiming well beyond their means.
Lady Dragon 2 is probably the weirdest example among them.
Rothrock plays the martial arts champion wife of a diminutive South American soccer player who somehow sees himself as a popular leader in a corrupt impoverished country. Yes, it's that weird. They live in a mansion with a housekeeper, but somehow, when the soccer player comes across some Diamonds stolen by a ruthless criminal from the Italian Mafia (was the screenwriter doing too much coke?), he takes them to "help his people". Naturally the bad guys show up.
And what a bad guy we get: Billy Drago! He dials up his usual schtick to 11. It's a weirdly fascinating mix of gangster, psychopath, sexual pervert and rapist, effeminate wimp, and southern hillbilly. It's a ridiculous performance, and the director glues the camera to him whenever he's on screen and gives him ample time to do knife tricks, moan into the phone, give death glares or do feminine dances and gyrations. It's not a great performance, but... it's a performance.
After the initial attack and a murder, he waltzes in and out of Cynthia Rothrock's house whenever he pleases. The police even apprehend him, and he still does it. Goes right back to the murder scene, and even starts doing obscene phone calls to Cynthia Rothrock or playing pranks with a dead body (not gonna spoil that scene). The police at one point offer to keep one officer there for protection, but of course Cynthia Rothrock says no. We're supposed to think it's because she's a badass, but really it's because they lacked the budget and the script was tripping over its many plotlines already.
The writers throw everything they have at the screen: rape, ill begotten gains, stealing from the mafia, class differences, economic hardship and growing up in poverty, self-sacrifice, betrayal, vigilantiism, the police having to let criminals go for lack of evidence, martial arts, rape, sexual harassment and a brief horror scene. It's INSANE.
Cynthia Rothrock doesn't have many fights, but the ones she has are overdone. Whether pinned between a random weirdly yelling chinese swordfighter and other armed goons, or between someone with a gun and someone with a car, none of it makes sense, but it's plenty violent and stupid. Very entertaining.
Unfortunately, the soundtrack, as so often in early 90s movies, hampers the enjoyment. It's an incessantly loud melancholic synth score, melodic, with some weird military drums. It sucks the tension right out of scenes that would feel pretty intense with a more fitting soundtrack. This soundtrack feels more like for a noir movie.
As you can see, none of the puzzle pieces fit together. But you'll rarely be bored. Mostly due to Billy Drago.
A good choice for bad movie night.
The Bikeriders (2023)
Meandering nothingburger
Writer-director Jeff Nichols tries to imitate Scorcese's style complete with narration and quick cuts between scenes, but forgot to write a plot. The film meanders on for 2 hours without any kind of overarching narrative. About a third of the way in you're wondering what you're even watching, who the main character is, and if there's ever going to be any story. Nope. No story.
Tom Hardy does his throat cancer voice thing again, and decrepitly moves about in slow motion. I know it's mean to say, but every time he was on screen, I couldn't help but think of Joe Biden.
The male lead (I think he's supposed to be the protagonist) Benny wears the same empty facial expression throughout the entire movie.
Nichols has the audacity to insert a scene from "The Wild One" starring Marlon Brando as inspiration for Tom Hardy's character. I don't know where he gets his confidence from, but his film is no "The Wild One" and he's no Scorcese. This is a mess. The only good thing to be said about this is that the color grading isn't awful, and that some of the music is well chosen.
In a Violent Nature (2024)
Friday the 13th told from the killer's pov. Failed experiment
Someone probably thought they were really clever when they asked chatGPT: "How can I reinvent the slasher genre" and it answered "shoot the movie from the killer's point of view".
Turns out there's a reason why things are done the way they're done.
I suppose the concept could have worked with better writing, better acting and a decent budget. This is your typical shot in the woods horror movie. The actors are all terrible except for the old lady at the end.
One of the kills is particularly gory, but undercut by terrible acting and poor pacing. Also the drone shot kill was clever, but the wide angle didn't quite work for it.
90% of the film is the camera following the killer walking through the woods. Turns out life as an undead movie serial killer is pretty boring for the most part.
Cobra Kai: Peacetime in the Valley (2024)
Cobra Kai finally ran out of steam.
After a phenomenal first Season, Cobra Kai balanced a slew of new characters as well as several returning characters from the original movies. While each character was well written, the overall narrative suffered under the bloated roster, and the ever switching loyalties and teen drama.
By some miracle, the writers were able to reinvigorate the series with the return of Thomas Ian Griffith's Terry Silver, and the final 2 seasons proved to be almost as entertaining as the first.
I don't think there could have been a much better way to end the series than season 5 did. They should have ended it there.
In season 6, you can feel the writers running out of ideas. All conflicts were resolved, so they had to reboot some of them. Johnny goes back to being a jerk (and these scenes are the only good ones, because let's face it, it was always his show), Sam and Tori go back to being enemies, John Kreese is in the shadows, scheming a return.
The first five episodes of Season 6 feel like a rerun of everything we've seen before, but without the villains and without real conflict. The genius of season 1 was that it inverted the hero / villain dynamic by making Johnny the flawed hero on a redemption arc and growing into a father role. Season 4 and 5 gave us uber-villain Terry Silver going from good to evil. Season 6 has nothing except a mystery box plot about Miyagi's past so poorly written it would make even J. J. Abrahms throw up. The rest is teen drama about college with characters that never really had any function beyong influencing the conflict between Johnny and Daniel. There are no more stakes, no more philosophical points, no more real conflicts.
Cobra Kai had a great run, and in particular seasons 1 and 4 are among the best that any series had to offer in recent years. But it's done.
Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga (2024)
Best movie of the year, let down by the worst marketing ever
Furiosa, a Maxless Mad Max Saga has big shoes to fill. Inevitably, it was nigh impossible to measure up to that masterpiece. And by nearly all measures, Furiosa falls short.
The biggest letdown, which I believe is responsible for the film's failure at the box office, is the cinematography. Furiosa rarely reaches Fury Road's visual splendor. The colors feel washed out at times, the camera work, while brilliant in some spots, feels shoddy in others, especially with the many unnecessary zooms onto green-screened actors or vehicles. Speaking of green screen... there's a lot of it. Lots of badly composted CGI shots, and for some harebrained reason, whoever cut the trailer thought it would be a good idea to feature the worst of them.
The good news is that these scenes work much better in context of the movie. For example the shot of Furiosa standing in front of the Iron cross (a gate actually) shielding her from a flame thrower feels absolutely incredible during the movie, but looks like cheap CGI superhero crap in the trailer.
It's a shame they changed the director of photography for this.
Other than that, the recasting of Furiosa certainly hurt the movie. Anja Taylor Joy's performance is servicable, but she feels entirely different from Charlize Theron and less emotional except towards the very end. On the other hand, the young actress playing young Furiosa is fantastic, as are all the other actors, including the many returning from Fury Road.
The villains make the movie, and aside from Furiosa, her mother and Jack, pretty much every character is a villain. Anja Taylor Joy barely has any lines in the film, but the villains give countless wonderful little speeches. None of them are portrayed as buffoons (except Rictus who gets a few laughs), and they strategize and constantly outwit each other, while expanding the world building.
There's a lot of world building, and each character is unique and well constructed, with their own motivations, quirks, rivalries... the writing is as stunning as in Fury Road.
The biggest flaw for me is that the editing towards the final third loses steam. There are a few pacing issues and a few moments where the narrative either drags or skips from scene to scene too much.
It's a real shame they messed up the marketing for this movie so badly. Terribly cut trailers that focused on CGI, a bad release slot, recasting the lead, the unfortunate change of DP and a lack ofa trailer moment like Fury Road's tornado scene all contributed to its failure. And we can probably also blame Disney for giving female led action movies a bad reputation.
Despite its minor flaws, the film is brilliant. Don't miss it.
New Life (2023)
Don't let the early reviews fool you
As so often the first wave of glowing reviews seem to come from the production crew, and I let myself get suckered in.
New Life is admittedly a cut above the usual no budget horror in the woods fare, but it suffers from poor writing.
The general idea is solid. We see a woman on the run from shadowy agents. There are little moments that give us an understanding who she is. As she hastily gathers her belongings, we see images of her with her family, before agents enter and she has to make a quick exit.
Visual storytelling like this is neat.
The problems arise whenever there's exposition. Primarily this involves the secondary plot about the agent chasing her. The writer tried to be more clever than necessary my making the agent suffer from a crippling illness, but that plot never goes anywhere. It's one of many attempts at unearned emotional and thematic depth, that hinder the film.
I get it, the runtime is short, and they needed to fill their 90 minutes with more than just chase scenes and scenes of people dying. But it feels tacked on and never meshes with the main plot.
Remove the agent subplot and nonsense, and you're left with 30 minutes of tightly shot survival thriller / horror. They could have done something with that.
About halfway through the film switches gear from thriller to horror. There's nothing you haven't seen before. People in gross makeup screaming and charging at the protagonists while a generic (but still effective) pounding soundtrack plays. These scenes are reminiscent to the second half of 28 days later, but without the sense of urgency or John Murphy's emotional score.
The movie is well shot and most of the actors do the best they can with the material they're given.
Nemesis 2: Nebula (1995)
90s B-Movie goodness by Albert Pyun
Albert Pyun is a director I've always liked. His reach far exceeds his grasp, which means that even in failure, his films are usually entertaining. His films often go the extra mile to add more themes, subplots and more unique production design beyond what other dumpster bin direct to video b-movies of the time did. You feel the extra effort and extra creativity. Unfortunately, much of his creativity is hampered by low budgets and a a lack of self-control, which leads to self-indulgent scenes like Nemesis 2's opening, which runs for about 25 minutes with the only dialogue being in an African tribal language.
Props for authenticity, I suppose.
Female bodybuilder Sue Price plays Alex, a genetically engineered super human from the future who was hidden by her mother in the past and grew up in an African tribel society. Then an evil cyborg from the future shows up, kills her tribe and chases her for the rest of the movie. That's the plot. She meets a variety of people along the way, treasure hunters, slave traders, mercenaries. There's something about a civil war. None of it matters. Much like the first Nemesis, it's one long chase sequence.
The acting is a mixed bag to say the least. Some performances are hilariously over the top, like the angry tribal guy who appears to be about 2 meters / 6'6 tall and loses a hilarious fight scene against tge 1.5 meter / 5 feet Sue Price (okay, she may be a bit taller).
Kidding aside, while she's not a trained actor and doesn't always emote well, she does a much better job than other female bodybuilder actors of the 90s era like Cory Everson or Rachel McLish. The latter of whom also appeared in an Albert Pyun film (Am I sensing a theme?). She's ripped and ultra pumped here, so if that's your thing, you'll get your money's worth.
Actually, kudos to Albert Pyun for giving the usual action man role to a woman. One of many Pyun-esque choices that just make his films fun to watch. His usual wacky camera angles and big explosions are all here, and some of the stunt work is more elaborate than it needs to be.
The main problems of the film are pacing and narrative thrust. Around the mid point the pacing begins to drag. Things do pick up towards the end again, but the main problem is that the film never really defines the stakes and doesn't give its lead a clear goal aside from surviving. Granted, Terminator 1 was similar with Sarah Connor just trying to stay alive, but that film had Kyle Reese as a bridge to the future, so we always had an idea of the stakes. Nemesis 2 fails to establish any kind of narrative regarding the future, or how Alex would affect the future or even get back to the future. The time travel aspect is never brought up again.
The solution could have been simple. A prophesized meteor strikes in Africa, drawing treasure hunters and other seedy characters to a country torn apart by civil war. Within all this chaos, a cyborg from the future shows up. This meteor is really a time capsule, containing information that humans can use to gain an advantage over the machines (or aliens or whatever) in the future. Alex knows how to open and decode it, but the cyborg is hot on her tail. And so it becomes a race for the capsule, through a war torn hell with shaky alliances and betrayals.
Sadly Nemesis 2 never does some coherent worldbuilding. Nor do its sequels 3 and 4, which are garbage bin crap. But 2 had potential, and I still have a soft spot for it despite its many flaws.
Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire (2024)
My brain hurts
Yay, another Godzilla vs Kong movie, a chance to lose shed excess IQ points faster than rapid onset dementia.
The movie starts with Kong on his island escaping some big dogs and killing one in an unnecessarily gory fatality movie. Scares other dogs away.
Kong has toothache after been punched by evil red ape. Goes to humans for dental service, gets big dumb anesthetic injection and big dumb metal tooth from humans. Humans go dumb side story with shamans and mystical stuff my brain dont understand. Boring lady has boring romance with boring australian guy. Also boring mute girl. Movie thinks it's avatar for a while but after long boring time goes back to monsters fighting.
Kong is good ape, red apes bad, except for red baby ape so movie not racist against red apes. Show individual can be good and prejudice bad. Red ape control ice power godzilla with glowing rod. Red ape ride ice godzilla. Real godzilla now with pink energy. Kong roar at pyramids. Pink godzilla climb on gibraltar rock, also roar. Next scene fight at pyramids. Smash pyramids. Glowy moth appear and then friends. Then scene with disco music. Other music garbage, go "braaaah" and "bam baaaaam" all movie, but disco and synthwave tracks fun. Human characters lame. Everyone different accent, can't understand.
Random beach scene with samba music. Maybe in Brazil? Camera turn around, then Red Ape and Ice Godzilla vs Kong and Pink Godzilla. Big stupid. Big fight. Baby red ape show up. Kong steals fatality move from Sub Zero. Kong x Godzilla x Mortal Kombat now.
My brain hurts. But am dumber now. Therefore happier. Next monster movie when?
Sting (2024)
Creature feature with an identity crisis
I like spiders. They freak me out and scare me, and we have some particularly fast obnoxious ones where I live, which will crawl over you at night, but I somehow still like them. They're interesting to watch. And they make great horror film monsters.
Along comes Sting, an underwhelming spider horror film. An alien spider is taken in by the daughter and quickly grows and develops an apetite for other animals and eventually humans.
The film starts like a horror comedy with overacting and wild POV camera angles, only to then get serious again with family drama and then after about 45 minutes go back into horror comedy. While tonal inconsitencies can work if they represent the state of a character's mind (i.e. Clockwork Orange), they don't work in a silly horror film with a paper thin plot. The movie never knows what kind of film it wants to be, and thus undermines both the scares and the jokes. The creature and gore effects are fine. Nothing you haven't seen before. The color grading is decent, while the camera work obnoxiously draws attention to itself.
Sting lacks bite.
Abigail (2024)
Misconceived horror falls apart as the cast dwindles
Abigail starts surprisingly strong. A group of criminals kidnaps a ballerina and hold her at a spooky mansion until the guy who hired them can secure the ransom payment. But oh no, they start dropping like flies, and before long, it turns out Abigail is the daughter of a seemingly supernatural underworld figure, and not so innocent herself.
So far for the premise. Anything to trap a group of misfits in a spookhouse with a monster.
Unfortunately, as soon as the characters reach the house, the movie comes apart at the seams. We get one contrived exposition dump after the next. While the team of hired criminals doesn't know each other's names or backstories, the main character deduces their backstory as a game, giving us a tedious exposition dump on each character.
Exposition dumps like this happen more than once in the film, and are reminiscent of the awful hospital scene in Scream 5.
Melissa Barrera's acting has gotten better since, but she's still unable to carry a film on her own.
The supporting cast does much of the heavy lifting... but they die off fast, including one of only two competent characters. Not that there's much meat to the supporting cast. All except Dan Stevens and the mentally impeded guy are cannon fodder.
Dan Stevens gets the best lines and keeps the film interesting. He's the one character that doesn't always act predictably, and where you're not sure if he's a villain or not - until the movie tells us in another character breaking moment.
The gore ramps up at the end, and the character motivations become more and more contrived. Two characters appear for only about 2 minutes each, further messing up the plot structure.
The film's internal clock is all over the place as well. The kidnappers snatch abigail in the evening, but just a few scenes later bright daylight shines into the mansion. Two scenes later it's night again.
Scream 5 had one of these daytime continuity errors as well (it immediately went from the midday murder the blonde kid to the hospital scene at night). This is just sloppy.
Abigail has some good ideas, but the movie's more interesting crime story is never picked up again, and it turns into the usual bloody chasing and gore shlock. The ballerina gimmick never really plays out, and the final fight is more or less just stabbing and choking. The main character spends most of the finale incapacitated, and neither Abigail nor the other characters still alive carry any sympathy. The entire structure is a mess.
The gore effect are good, the cinematography and lighting are similar to Scream 6. There's one pretty cool stepiece in the basement.
The music is awful. Tchaikovsky would be turning in his grave to see his Swan lake used in this, only for some scenes then to have rap music and autotune garbage.
Nothing really fits together. It's one of those films that gets worse the more you think about it, which is never a good thing. But it may be fun for anyone who really loved Scream 6.
Unfrosted (2024)
Throw s... ugar at the wall and see if it sticks
What a weird film this is.
The film starts charming enough establishing a rivalry between breakfast cereal makers Kellogg's and Post. Seinfeld works for Kellogs as... I'm not even sure what. Assistant to the boss? His character is never really defined and passively spends his own movie in the passenger seat, only once driving the narrative.
The rivalry between two ceral makers had potential for endless comedy, and some of the jokes land well, especially the many word plays relating to food, nutrition, etc.
Unfortunately, about 20 minutes in, the movie loses focus and becomes about the many cameo appearances by various comedians doing their shtick. The narrative is lost in an endless series of increasingly juvenile and ridiculous jokes. For example: In order to defeat Post, Kellogs hires a ragtag group of "genuises", a fitness guy, a meatball chef, a former nazi, a bicycle maker and a 60s IBM computer. The computer comments on the fitness guy "freeballing", not wearing any underpants. None of this has anything to do with the actual story, and the initially fun premise falls apart.
The worst offense is Melissa McCarthy, who shows up in a strange clown costume and for some reason yells most of her lines. She's insufferable as usual.
As the movie progresses, it becomes a cartoon. Amy Schumer's character travels to Moscow to secure sugar, offering Borscht, Crumbs and Vodka based cereals for Russian kids, only for Nikita Khurschev to demand sex from her. Some of the jokes are fantastic, most are idiotic. A scene of Seinfeld being abducted and sent through an alley of farting cows is followed by a scene with president JFK involved in the whole dispute, because he doesn't want American kids eating Communist sugar and... you get the idea. The plot is idiotic.
Perhaps kids would enjoy the loudness and crassness of it, but I doubt they could relate to most of the actors, some who are in their 70s like Seinfeld (even though he looks like early 50s)
This would have worked better as something like Ford vs Ferrari with a bit of extra humor instead of the hyperactive disjointed mess it became.
Monkey Man (2024)
Shaky cam and vile anti-Hindu / Bharat propaganda
The trailer made this look interesting, but as one might have guessed, it's the same old revenge story. A man loses a loved one, rises from the ashes to take revenge against the rich and powerful.
You've seen it all before a thousand times. Monkey Man tries to be an Indian John Wick, but never realizes what made those films work. And so you're left with a story without narrative heft, a plot that would have sufficed for a 15 minute short film, and instead a lot of extremely badly staged action scenes with unbearable shaky cam. This is a waste, since some of the stunt work is decent.
Naturally, with all the current media hatred directed at India these days, this film has to chime in, deride and misrepresent the caste system, and portray the villain as a caricature of the prime minister of India, Modi.
Bigoted and hateful and entirely without substance.
Asphalt City (2023)
A collection of grim, dark, miserable scenes without overarching narrative
Asphalt City aims to give a realistic, unfiltered look at the life of paramedics in America's hellhole inner cities. Scene after scene unfolds with new nihilistic horrors that take their toll on the main protagonists.
Gunshot victims dying, HIV infected heroin junkies giving premature births, children bitten by dogs, gang violence, being cussed out by crazy people recounting their childhood rape traumas...
The film is well shot and acted (except Mike Tyson who sticks out like a sore thumb), which makes these scenes even more impactful. Some of them stay with you, but the question is why? There's little to no overarching narrative, it's just scene after scene of absolute misery.
And maybe that's the point. If so, kudos to the producers for pulling it off.
It's not an experience I could imagine anyone enjoying, but it may have value as training footage for paramedics and ER doctors.
Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire (2024)
They don't understand what made the original great
While better than the mopey, depressing Afterlife, Ghostbusters: Frozen Generic Title once again baffles by screwing up what should be an easy concept.
Ghostbusters was not about busting ghosts. It wasn't about Gozer. It was about 3 guys starting a ridiculous business. There was the science guy, the spiritualist / occultist / historian, and the opportunist / con man Venkman. Nobody believed in them, but we as the audience knew they were right.
Frozen Empire wisely does away with the depressed tone of the previous movie but still fails to get the most important thing right: motivation. Why are they in New York? Why are they hunting ghosts? It was barely explained in the last movie, and it's even less plausible here. None of them except Phoebe Spengler seem to want to hunt ghosts.
Beyond that, the movie suffers from character overload. They have the 6 new characters, the 3 surviving original Ghostbusters, Janine Melnitz, the Pakistani guy, the tech guy employed by Winston...
Most of the new adult characters are good. Nadeem Razmaadi is highly enjoyable in his scenes, and Dan Aykroyd is always enjoyable. He's still got his heart in it, and it shows, whereas Bill Murray is in the film for about 30 seconds...
which isn't much more than most Characters. Finn Wolfhard is more or less forgotten halfway through the movie and then shows up again at the end. He has no character arc. Same for his girlfriend from the last movie and the Asian podcaster kid. Both feel tacked on.
Paul Rudd and Carrie Coon's characters barely have anything to do and feel lost in the plot, because they don't have the intelligence to understand any of the Ghost tech.
This is a central flaw of the film. In the original, the central characters knew what they were doing. Here, only the kids seem to understand the technology, but it never works. The "genius kid" trope is annoying. Kids in sci fi comedies work best if they employ creative thinking or common sense, much like Marty McFly in Back to the Future. Imagine that film of Marty was the genuis and Doc Brown was the bumbling idiot along for the ride. It wouldn't have worked.
Ideally the new Ghostbusters movies would have gone like this:
The old Ghostbusters try to build a new team to carry on their legacy - turning it into another business comedy, by showing the pitfalls and frustrations of passing on the torch. They could have been taken advantage of by young people not believing them and just trying to make money or frustrated by Gen Z's lack of work ethic. Or clashed with other eccentric characters who may have the smarts but not the discipline - or who have the motivation, but not the smarts. This could have led to interesting character dynamics in the style of the original.
The most interesting aspect of Frozen Empire is Phoebe's lesbian ghost romance. Their story arc was actually interesting, and I wanted to see where it would go.
The whole firecasting subplot was another misfire. The original wisely had science beat the occult. They didn't need a magical dagger or other macguffin to beat Gozer. Science beat superstition. Here, they introduce a character with magical powers, throwing that theme out of the window.
At least the movie is briskly paced and barely gives you time to think about how stupid it is. Some of the skits are charming, and there are enough jokes to keep you entertained over its runtime. There are also no obnoxious identity politics or lectures.
As a generic fantasy movie, it's fine. As a sequel to one of the greatest comedy films of all time, it falls flat. But it's leagues better than Afterlife.
Road House (2024)
Kind of trash, very stupid, but still enjoyable.
The original Road House was'nt a cerebral film, nor a timeless classic like Ghostbusters, Back to the Future or other standout 80s films of that era. But it had a likeable hero, a classic soundtrack, and an uplifting vibe as Patrick Swayze cleans up the bar step by step.
The remake barely spends time in the actual road house and thereby omits what made the original a classic. Instead, we get a tired recycled plot about an evil property developer - yawn!
The Florida setting had potential, especially in light of the Florida Man meme. They could have done a lot with it, but unfortunately they never do.
Unlike in the original, which depicted a town full of crooks, the locals in the remake can do no wrong, especially anyone not white.
None of the secondary characters here really have much in terms of character arcs. The best I can remember is the one villain who has his arm broken and the love interest having a European accent despite being from Florida, and sounding like she has throat cancer.
The standout is Connor McGregor who plays an exaggerated version of his ring persona and delivers a completely unhinged villain.
He spends to movie wearing a lunatic grin and walking with an exaggerated swagger. The best recurring joke in the movie is him smashing his car into objects instead of using the break.
Unfortunately, the tone of the movie is a mess. Jake Gyllenhaal mopes around as a traumatized hero with a horrible past in one scene, only to crack jokes in another, then suddenly not care and want to leave, and then ruthlessly murder people. We have no emotional anchor in the movie, compared to Patrick Swayze's uplifting good guy.
That is not to say Jake Gyllenhaal isn't fantastic in this film. He absolutely carries the film on his own. Without him, the film would barely be a 2 or 3/10.
The direction is awful. From bad color grading to half the movie being out of focus, with way too many closeups. You barely see two characters in focus on screen at the same time outside of fight scenes.
These are shot with a fisheye lens and a constantly revolving camera. They're disorenting and look fake. It's not as bad as shakycam, but it's a trend that needs to die, along with the heavy use of focal depth blur.
The fight scenes are also scored poorly with generic action movie soundtrack that doesn't even fit the on screen scenes, and then interrupted by jokes.
During a life and death fight after many people have been killed, someone gets their head smashed into a piano and says "that piano is out of tune". It's a funny line and would have been great early on, but out of place at that point in the movie.
As mentioned the Road House location is barely used. We see it early on a few times, each time introduced the same way: a bad song starts playing and then we get shots of a band. It's repetitive. The location also lacks a unique look or coherent geometry. It never feels like a place people would want to go to. The bands keep playing during fights with broken bottles and people getting beaten half to death with golf clubs. None of it makes sense or feels coherent.
Part of what made the original satisfying was the feeling that Swayze slowly but surely improved the place. We never get that feeling here, and the 2nd half of the movie barely even spends time at the Road House.
Add to that the awful camera work, bad pacing, bad color grading and generic unfocused writing, and you have a steaming mess of a movie.
You may get a few chuckles out of it, but overall it's unsatisfying.
Damsel (2024)
Shockingly bad
Another shockingly bad direct to streaming film with bad CGI, cheap sets, computer generated backgrounds and awful dialogues so bad they feel like they were written by ChatGPT.
I allowed myself to get suckered into watching it, due to the comparatively high rating here.
So let's start with the good
-The actual story structure itself is logical. Shocking in this day and age. There's a setup, motivations for each character, a twist that actually makes sense and a (predictable) resolution. It's not Madame Web or Thor Ragnarok level stupid.
-The director actually makes use of the environment. Gusts of wind, bioluminiscenct life forms, some scenes have a good texture to them. And the environment is also used in a clever way in a pivotal action scene. Good job!
-Some of the side characters are more fleshed out than they need to be. The prince for example is given little character moments that set him apart of his ruthless mother. I liked that.
-One theme from the soundtrack was decent
-Color grading was good. That's a rarity these days as well.
-The twist with the Dragon's motivation works.
Now the bad:
-As usual with these films, the actors are on tiny greenscreen soundstages, with a few real props and the rest of the background being CGI. The costumes and environment feels small, generic and cheap. A royal wedding takes place with a crowd of maybe 12 people. It looks ridiculous.
-Forced diversity. Naturally, a story taking place in what looks to be medieval England or Sweden features countless African Americans... who did not even exist at that time in history.
Sure, they turned it into a fantasy setting. It's still as stupid as that google AI generating black Nazi SS officers for diversity's sake. Just stop it, you're embarassing yourselves. If you want a diverse cast, set your movie in today's day and age. Or in regions where there was racial diversity at the time, i.e. Medieval Spain or ancient Egypt. Or if you're going to make it a fantasy setting, then make it feel like a fantasy setting and don't just use English and German architecture, clothing and aesthetics.
-The pacing. As so often, this movie is *slow*. But not throughout, which is different from usual. The beginning and end are quite brisk. The slow part is the middle part, where the heroine has to fight for her survival. Unfortunately, it's the central part of the movie, but it's also the least interesting, because the plot grinds to a halt. Yes, we eventually learn of the twist, but for the next 25 minutes that doesn't change the dynamic of how she interacts with the dragon. The chase just continues. Which brings us to
-the writing. Dialogues are terrible almost throughout. The entire opening scene is a clunkily delivered exposition dump. She watches her own father and 3 men get killed by the dragon, when she could have simply stopped it by revealing the truth. A truth she and we as the audience had already been sitting on for a while. When you give the audience information, you want it to advance the plot. This doesn't happen. After the killings, we get yet another chase and confrontation scene between her and the dragon. It takes forever.
And that's the central problem with this story: The middle part is garbage. The setup is great, the ending is servicable, but there is no middle. To make matters worse, all other characters disappear from the plot. It's essentially a one woman survival show. Except this isn't "The Revenant", and Millie Bobbie Brown isn't Leonardo DiCaprio
-The lead actress. She's not terrible, but she's not good either. She lacks the physicality for the role, having absolutely no muscle tone and lacking the agility to convincingly pull off the role. The opening scene shows her chopping wood, to show her as a tough girl. But those noodle arms never chopped wood in their life.
Her acting is hit and miss. Bad during the opening, good in the romantic scenes with the prince, really good in scenes of sadness, terrible in scenes of acting though, good in scenes where she is injured, terrible at the very end (though the script does her no favors).
Much of the movie's acting is hit and miss. Angela Bassett does the best she can with her role. Robin Wright shines as usual. Ray Winstone phones it in, seemingly between drinks, and the guy playing the prince does a fine job.
-The dragon is overpowered. A common problem in these types of films. In an attempt to have impressive CGI shots for the trailer and make it scary, they make the movie monster unstoppable - until the script needs it to be vulnerable. This would have worked better with the dragon not being an unstoppable killing machine.
If one were to condense the middle part down from about 50 minutes to 15, it could be watchable. Certainly better than the usual Netflix dreck.
Dune: Part Two (2024)
Dune, but dumbed down for modern audiences
From my early childhood days, I've been a fan of Dune. I read the book, played the video games (Cryo, Westwood) and came to love the David Lynch movie as I grew older.
Denis Villeneuve is a very talented filmmaker, and after seeing Prisoners and Blade Runner 2049, I was eager to see his take on Dune. He's clearly very passionate about the material, but not in the aspects that inspired previous artists.
Where David Lynch and the games allowed for opulent, fantastical designs, Villeneuves Dune is entirely minimalist in design and mostly devoid of color, shot almost entirely in beige. The costume design feels uninspired and cobbled together, and most of the edgy, LSD trip fever dream aspects of Dune have been removed alltogether. The guild and navigators are never seen, the Baron's homosexuality and grossness are gone, the violence is neutered, and the complicated space politics and backstory are removed entirely. How can you have Dune without space politics??
The new Dune films run a combined 5 hours, but cover less narrative than the David Lynch film does in 3 hours (I'm referring to the extended fanedit, the only version to watch).
Lynch embraced the weirdness and otherworldliness of Dune. His film feels like an opulent lsd trip, with a dream like quality. It also doesn't shy away of starting with a nearly 10 minute exposition dump. This backstory is needed to truly appreciate the story of Dune. The character relations are far more complex, with the power dynamics and scheming between Shaddam, the Spacing Guild, the Bene Gesserit and Harkonnen given ample time to be explored. In the new movie you never once learn that the emperor is himself at the mercy of the guild.
Likewise, the Harkonnen feel neutered and incompetent.
As I wrote in the headline, it's still Dune, but dumbed down.
Instead, much more emphasis is given to the Fremen, arguably one of the least interesting factions of Dune. They are arguably more accurately portrayed in Villeneuves movie. Where they felt incompetent in Lynchs version, here they feel dangerous and fanatical, as they should. I also like that they did away with the weirding modules and instead focused on the personal shields.
Now all this may sound like I dislike the new movies. I don't. There's much to love. While I prefer Lynchs more theatrical take, the new movie's more intimate style of direction makes for a very interesting and engaging experience in its own right.
The acting is great almost across the board. The one exception may be Zendaya's Chani, though that may just be because of how the role is written. They made her too "modern" compared to the book, and ending the film on her frown doesn't really work.
On the other hand, Hans Zimmer's score esoecuakky during that scene stands out as one of the best of his career, and should earn him an academy award.
The effects look great for the most part, though here and there things are hidden in the old digital dust plooms.
The editing stood out to me with some very clever scene transitions.
It's a great film, no doubt. But it's not a great Dune adaptation, because it omits too much of what makes Dune more than your average space opera.
Villeneuve's Dune is a fine addition to the canon alongside Lynch's original and the TV Mini-series. All of them are worth watching, and I can see good reasons why each version might be someone's favorite. I am glad to see Dune finally getting the mainstream recognition it deserves.
Red Right Hand (2024)
Career End - The movie
It feels like every week another trashy crime thriller shot in Georgia is released. They all have more or less the same story. Washed up actor plays "Trauma man", a middle aged man with a violent past attempting to be a family man. He doesn't speak much, gruffly grunting badly written lines in a cliché raspy mumble. His violent past catches up to him, he agrees to do one more crime job, but eventually has to do the right thing and take out his former boss when they threaten his family.
Now Legolas has joined the ranks of Kevin Dillon and other 90s actors doing this kind of dreck for a paycheck. Seeing Andie McDowell in this role was a surprise, and it's clear she has no idea how to play a role like this. Her scenes are laughably bad, which is both her fault and that of the screenwriter.
As usual for these films, the color grading is awful, the pace is slow and a generic ambient score makes it feel even slower. And they put a country music song over the end credits.
The accents are all over the place. Why do they keep hiring Brits and Aussies to play southern rednecks?
Every now and then one of these films does turn out to be okay (Mob Land was legitimately fantastic), and this one objectively isn't the worst of them. It's watchable if you're very bored, and there are some decent moments.
But damn is it boring. The writers should hang their heads in shame. Even for derivative tax break dreck the dialogues here are extremely poorly written: ChatGPT could have written a better script.
The Night They Came Home (2024)
A 2 hour social justice lecture with one redeeming factor
One of many micro budget films with a washed up star plastered on the poster, The Night They Came Home pretends to retell the story of the real life Rufus Buck gang.
But instead of a western biopic, what we get are endless musings about race and white-man-bad. The writers did put some nuance into the dialogue though, and it's not as stupidly on the nose as a Disney production or something of the sort.
There are some moments of genuine tension (when they come across a man and his son who they hold an impromptu trial for), and some moments of nuance. After giving a long speech about the injustice of racism to a reporter, once the reporter is gone, the gang breaks out in laughter at the idea of the reporter having bought that cock and bull story.
It is a testament to the actors portraying the gang members, that the ridiculous writing can be brought to the screen at all.
Charlie Townsend as Rufus Buck has genuine talent and will hopefully receive better material in the future.
Production value is nonexistent here, color grading is awful for the most part, and the cheap digital look can make even nice landscapes look terrible. I get better looking shots on my Iphone.
The music is stock music quality as expected.
Danny Trejo has a glorified cameo as narrator so they could put him on the poster, but his scenes just suck the air out of what little narrative there is.
Overall it's quite terrible, but there's talent among the cast.