sarah-e-bolt

The Cabin in the Woods (2011)

This movie is not what you think it is...

Yeah... So I started watching it thinking I was getting an intelligent and fresh take on the horror genre and then people started dying pretty quickly in rapid succession and I'm watching the clock thinking...we're gonna run out of victims too quickly at this pace. That's when it all kinda turned to crap... I mean, not totally unwatchable crap because by the time the you-know-what hits the you-know-which I was curious to see how it ended. But ummm... Once you know the game though, it stops being scary. Not even jump scares have an effect. If I had known what I was going to get myself into, I wouldn't have bothered.

Criminal Minds (2005)

They need to separate Evolution from the rest...

This is about Evolution....

... It's awful. It's tedious. It's poorly written and poorly acted. It's heavy-handed, cheesy and forced. It drags on far too long... 7 episodes would have been enough. They've tried to milk this and in turn the end gets really thin. The villain started out as interesting, the plot captivating and then it just got absurd. And all the side stories... JJ, Lewis, Prentiss, Rossi... Yawn. Especially the whole Will and JJ thing... They have been having the same issues for 10 years... Seriously?

The old series before Hotch left (read: FIRED) was TOP TIER... After that it just wasn't the same.

And Aisha Tyler is the weakest link. She was bad in Friends and bad on Whose Line... she must be a really likeable person because I can't figure out why she keeps getting work.

The Men Who Built America: Frontiersmen (2018)

REMEMBER THE ALAMO!?!

"90 minutes after the battle begins the Alamo falls..."

I'm not a historian or even a super history buff... BUT... I KNOW that the Battle of the Alamo took 13 days... NOT 90 minutes. Maybe the final siege, AFTER holding out for 12 days, took 90 minutes... But they didn't once mention the previous 12 days of battle that they fought off Santa Ana! The Alamo is one of the greatest standoffs of all time and bought Sam Houston the time he needed to rally enough forces to defeat Santa Ana and secure Texas for America.

I thought this was THE HISTORY Channel.

The rest is entertaining but I'm not sure how accurate now. It's produced well enough.

Jurassic World: Dominion (2022)

Time for a JW Reboot

I gave it 2 stars for Chris Pratt because I love him. Even when they make him silly and 2 dimensional, I'm never bored. Plus he seems like a good guy and I don't blame him at all for the epic sucktastic mess that this movie is.

Most everything that's wrong with these movies has been said in some really thoughtful and well defended reviews already....

Ultimately, wokeism ruined this franchise. Stupid plot with a climate message. They reduced Dr. Grant to a doddering old fossil who carries a worried and clueless expression and just follows Laura Dern around.

Laura Dern has lost whatever charm she possessed in the first movie. It's like she forgot how she played Ellie. I feel like we got a different actor trying to play an already established character.

CLEARLY women are to be saving the day in this one but it feels forced. If they had split the girls and guys up (Claire/Ellie/pilot chick and Allan/Owen) and each of them had had their own moments then it would have felt like a balanced victory. What we got instead felt gratuitous and forced.

This movie was too long and boring. I can't even believe I'm calling a Jurassic "Park" movie boring. By the final showdown, I was ready for it to be over. That's bad. When there's an epic death match between three apex predators and I, the audience, don't care who wins... You've failed as a director.

Continuity errors are all over the place and some of them egregious.

Major plot holes.

Antithetical character behavior which goes unearned or explained.

I can't believe I hate this movie worse than JW and those obnoxious kids and BDH obnoxious character.

What did I want?

• Dr. Allan Grant and Owen Grady have meaningful and multiple scenes together with their discussions about Blue and all Grady learned from raptors and about raptors. I mean, let's face it, at this point, he knows more than Allan Grant possibly could and given his (Allan's) experience in previous movies, he would ABSOLUTELY have been fascinated with all Owen has accomplished and learned.

Allan Grant to meet Blue and see the marvel and curiosity reborn in him instead of this jaded man who doesn't like dinosaurs anymore.

• A movie about DINOSAURS IN THE WORLD. This movie had NOTHING to do with the other movies.

A smart, engaging teenager character who isn't whiny, angsty, moody or a total a-hole. They DO exist, you know. Especially if dinosaurs exist, you can find a smart, capable, impressive teenager. (SOMEONE GET ME TOM HOLLAND!)

I think if anything needed to be scrubbed and rebooted, it's this series. Pick up and try again. Get Steven Spielberg back. Pay him whatever and give us at least ONE sequel we deserve.

Bram Stoker's Dracula (1992)

This makes me doubt Coppola...

The same guy that brought us The Godfather Trilogy made this mess?

I would never see The Godfather had it come AFTER I'd seen this pile of hot garbage... I can't believe this movie didn't end his career.

Are we sure this isn't a Kubrick flick?

Unhinged (2020)

Russell Crowe - 10 ; playing a bad guy - 2

... because I DO NOT like him as a bad guy! He's a masterful actor and this psychotic murderer is no exception.

Forget the terrified protagonist whose decisions aren't the worst we've seen made by far (Scream, I Know What You Did Last Summer, etc etc etc.)

This movie is brutal but not all that bloody. Plenty is left to the imagination.

And screw everyone who says Russell Crowe is believable because of his violent history. That was like 20 years ago and he was humiliated by his actions. He hasn't been violent in many of these commenters lifetime.

Lake Placid (1999)

So much better than 5.7 stars

I dunno why this movie has less than 6 stars. It's HILARIOUS. And it doesn't take itself seriously but also doesn't make a joke of itself or waste your time.

Gleeson and Platt are a hilarious team. I wish they'd do more comedy together. Throughly enjoyable.

Fonda's most likeable role and Pullman plays a believable character rather than some of his more ridiculous parts.

The cast chemistry works... The writing is delightfully funny if a little too profane for my liking. I think they got the R for the gore and decided to take advantage with the F word... although, it's certainly not a Tarantino movie.

I love it. Watch it every time it's on TV.

Community (2009)

Late to the party but happy I found it at all...

This show is hilarious and takes no prisoners but with wit and cleverness.

I miss shows like this where everyone could laugh at themselves and nobody got offended.

Premonition (2007)

Would have given it a 9 until the end...

After all that... They still kill him off. Finally puts everything together and they have a real shot at happiness and instead they waste our time and he still dies. Worse, she kills him by making him move from safety to turn around and drive towards her. Skip it. You'll just end up sad.

Against the Clock (2019)

"Inceptions" drunk neighbor that wants you to call him "Uncle"

This movie is something about a mind in limbo and people trying to get info out of it with dialog in English yet still incoherent and unfollowable.

This movie is almost like Inception if Inception did acid and if you didn't like any of the characters and if you couldn't follow the plot and you quit caring how it ends at most half way thru since you have no idea what's going on anyway.

Hard to give it more than one star. 🙄

The Aeronauts (2019)

Feminism Wokeness Strikes Again

Let's totally and completely lie about history. Let's replace the male hero with a fictional female. Amelia Rennes is total fiction. It couldn't have been more insulting than if you had just turned Henry Tracey Coxwell into "Tracey Coxwell." I mean, you're already rewriting history, why not further add insult to injury for the poor unforgotten hero? Hollywood is gonna learn one of these days...

Toy Story 4 (2019)

4 stars only because Duke Caboom... 0 stars for writer

This is so antithetical to the whole theme of Toy Story.

The only way to salvage this story is if Andy as a soon to be father gets REALLY nostalgic and searches like a crazy man all over America for his lost favorite toys. After much toil and shenanigans he finds ALL of his original toys (because he writes his name on them, remember?) and they all live happily ever after.

Short of that... We shoulda quit after 2.

AND.... Can someone please tell me when Woody suddenly became a rubber toy? Major continuity fail. Losers.

Knives Out (2019)

Worth every star!

Granted this movie is finally 8.1/10 but it's too good of a movie that I couldn't not review it. Rian Johnson screwed the pooch on TLJ. True. But this is not that. This is brilliant. This is original. This is classic. Just when you think you have it solved, there's more. But not in a convoluted and stupid way. It's masterful. The "whodunit" is his forte. I only hope he has more of these up his sleeve.

X-Men: Dark Phoenix (2019)

More feminism...

Another feminist movie with man-hating one-liners designed to show us all how much better women are than men. When is Hollywood going to learn that putting men down doesn't lift women up.

Charlie's Angels (2019)

1 Star is the lowest I could give it...

Why is Kristen Stewart still working? Why do they keep casting her? Why is anyone giving her roles? She has the depth and intrigue of a cat box. Every part she plays is awful, flat and awkward. She cannot play cool, she cannot play tough, she cannot play intense. I would call her a one-note actress but she's tone-deaf. Please... STOP HIRING HER.

Cold Pursuit (2019)

Way too long

This movie took too long to end... It was kinda amusing and then it took too long to wrap up and was full of obnoxious subplots and I found myself totally bored. It gets 3 stars for attempting humor like Fargo and nailing it 31% of the time.

A Perfect Getaway (2009)

Decent movie...

Pretty good thriller... Only one thing really really sucks... Gina's phony trailer trash southern accent. Let me tell you... I'm from the south and I know a good, charming southern belle accent from a inconsistent, phony dumpster-fire trailer park queen attempt.

AND... it is NOT good writing to have the final shot scripted with your hick girl calling her hero a "dumb bastard. "Like, what??? Totally off-putting. Left a bad taste in my mouth. Tacky, crappy ending.

The Grinch (2018)

A WONDERFUL adaptation!

Don't listen to the scrooges out there who didn't like this film. Their hearts are just 3 sizes too small. 😜

This movie was surprisingly wonderful. I saw it because it was Benedict Cumberbatch. I loved it because it is a wonderfully heart warming story. The original is a legend unto itself so there's no point in bothering with a comparison. However, I will say that this version's back story makes perfect sense for why the Grinch feels like he does which makes the whole story feel more complete than other versions.

Ultimately the real comparison is with the Jim Carrey version and as much as it pains me to say this about a Ron Howard film, whom I adore, I believe this one totally blows it away.

Jim Carrey is just sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo over the top (see what I did there?) The king of "extra" "excess" and over-acting nearly suffocates the story with all his antics and the weaker sublots caused that movie to drag. Not this one, though! This movie stays on course and Benedict Cumberbatch delivers a Grinch who starts out a curmudgeon and as his story unfolds you really do ache with his teeny little heart. And the relationship between the Grinch and Max might just be one of the best buddy team-ups in any movie ever! It's simply the best! I tell ya guys- a great movie will make you laugh and cry in a single sitting. This one most definitely delivers!